whatweretheskieslike-blog

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

I’ve been terrible about updating. Firstly because there were a couple of days were the skies were boring and all one color with no clouds. Then there really was no excuse. This is just what I do. I get really excited about a new project or a new person or new ANYTHING and I’m like YAY I GET TO DO THIS and I think about it all the time and I try and I work at it and then...it just fizzles out. “It just fizzles out” makes it sound like these things happen completely out of my control, when in fact, I probably influence them quite a bit.

I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day. He asked me why I was so into talking to this stranger at a bar and said he himself couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to someone who wasn’t a friend. And I completely understand him. Sometimes I just don’t want to put in the effort at all with new people; I just want warm and cozy and familiar and I don’t want to figure out how to make you love me (but I will)... I just want to sit there, shoving fries and tequila in our mouths and not have to say anything and have it be the best thing in the world anyway.

But other times...I dunno. I just kinda fall in love with these new people for that moment. I don’t know why. We just start talking. I see them and they see me. And it’s just like wow, not even two seconds ago we were TOTAL strangers and now I know your future hopes and dreams and that as a child, you were afraid of radishes! And it’s so fun to see a new reaction to your old stories, like what face are they going to make when you tell ‘em THIS part cause you already know how your friends react.

And there is something that just fascinates me about that. And so I fall a teensy bit in love with them. Like human to human, just for that moment. And then we leave and I forget about them and they about me but somewhere in my psyche, I have this random person’s story in my brain. Anyway, I really need to update this blog more often.

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

Sometimes I follow those inspirational Instagram accounts. You know, the ones that have actually wise, not cheesy-wise, sayings calligraphied over watercolor paintings of mountains or a Buddha, maybe a hummingbird?  You read it and your heart grows bigger and your mind expands with knowing that wisdom was already inside you but also you're a just a human creature and sometimes a monster of a human creature and goddamn it, it's hard to be wise and look beyond yourself when it's so much easier to stay vain and needy but I am still kinda lovable and funny, right? Right you guys?  

Anyway I hearted a bunch of 'em today. I think it's because Pisces was having a solar eclipse, which from what I can tell was the astrological equivalent of the Hindenburg crashing into the Titanic which had already begun its tango with an iceberg. All about heightened emotions and delicate sensitivities and all these endings, so many endings. I honestly thought maybe today is the day I lose everyone I know. So I went to Ocean Beach so I could take pretty cloud pictures and then write some extremely wise nugget of a saying and calligraphy it on top of the clouds. I'm still working on the saying but at least everyone I know is still in place.

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

Today I cried on my drive to work. Why, who knows. They were those completely effortless tears that just fell out of my head without my having to even change my expression. Then I started thinking about my dad and if my life would be different right now if he were still alive and that's when my face did change.

Of course I then started with the gratefulness exercises; what am I thankful for, "IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE SOME PEOPLE DON'T EVEN HAVE LEGS," the whole nine yards of personal development that you should've learned by the time you make it to prime pre-mid life crises mode. But maybe you keep forgetting and it's getting a little tiring to keep fighting and sometimes you just want to stay out all night and make terrible decisions that you made a decade ago but you kinda want to keep making them now too, just to see. Also. How do you stay hopeful without any expectations on the outcome?

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

Today there was no sky, just sheets of water falling from above. There was also no daycare, so we went to the Academy of Sciences where he followed around these guys and we took selfies from the floor trying to get the dinosaur behind us. Then I got him mahi-mahi and French fries and I had wine and a kid’s tuna melt. We were sharing a peanut butter chocolate ice cream cone when he got his first brain freeze and started crying, so he had to finish it from the comfort of my lap. He was banging spoons together and I was watching couples walking from store to store in the rain. Then we went to the book store and he ran around a bunch and I looked up astrology stuff. I guess the day was a success cause he’s been sleeping in the car for last hour and a half. I wonder if he’ll remember days like this when I become that bitch who ruins his life in a few years.

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

When I was younger, I learned how to stop my dreams. Rather, I learned to stop my nightmares. They were so vivid and scary, I would scream all through the night and not even wake up. I only knew I had another one because my mom would tell me in the morning. Needless to say they caused me a lot of anxiety, especially when it came time for sleepover parties. First of all, the only reason I had them in the first place was because I obviously must've done something wrong. Good little girls didn't have these kinds of problems. Secondly what if they happened at someone else's house? What if I said something embarrassing in my sleep, revealing all my secrets and then everyone would know who I really was and then they'd stop liking me and then I'd die alone. I must've been seven years old or maybe I was ten.

And so I set out to remove the nightmares from my psyche. Every night before falling asleep, I would picture my brain. I would picture holding a sharp object, like a pencil but with no lead, just a pointed end. I would envision myself carving out the words "Do. Not. Scream" into my brain. I had to do it five times, slowly and seeing every letter. If I didn't see one of the letters being carved into my mind's eye, I would have to start the entire process over. Only when I did it right, I would allow myself to fall asleep.

Every morning I'd ask my mom, "did I scream last night?" Eventually she would say no more often than not and I'd let myself go to sleepovers and at some point I didn't have to do the carving exercise and the whole thing just stopped altogether. I've actually become one of those people who very rarely remembers her dreams. But lately...I've been curious. What would've happened if I didn't stop my dreams? Where would I be right now? While I've often been assertive in going after what I want in my conscious life, I ran away from my subconscious fears by removing them. I was so scared of those nightmares that I took away any of the lessons they could've given me. Would I be the person I am in my conscious life if I let those nightmares play out? I can't go back and undo but I do know I need to figure out how to put my dreams back inside of me.

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

It feels like it's been raining for a year straight. We finally had some sunny days this past weekend so I took a walk while listening to music. In my 20s, I used to run on the beach listening to psy-trance and now, I walk along the water's edge listening to Kylie Minogue so I guess that's my version of mellowing out. Still wishing for the same things I used to wish for back then though.

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

On our way to Marin, where I spent Super Bowl Sunday with my kid and a bunch of beautiful homos. About four people there watched the game and the rest of us were there for Gaga, tequila and Adderall sneak-aways in the kids’ play room. Everyone was hopped up on something; kids on sugar, adults on pharmaceuticals and we were having a grand old time scream-singing to the halftime show as Stefani jumped deftly off the stadium roof.

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

On my way to a yin yoga workshop at 8:30 a.m. This is completely out of character for me. Firstly 8:30 a.m. on a Saturday is meant for third and fourth cups of espresso in the safety of my kitchen, not for interacting with the hoi polloi. Secondly, a yoga class that doesn’t express concepts such “hot,” “fast” or “you might die during this experience” have never interested me. If I wanted to just sit around, I can do that for free, on my couch, eating Sour Patch Kids. To say I am a little bit of a person of extremes would be completely accurate.

The workshop was not bad, though I did convince myself beforehand that dying of boredom and Namaste was imminent. It was definitely slow and the teachers were definitely #blessed but keeping my expectations very low/nonexistent made it feel worthwhile. I’m sure I won’t do this again but at least I tried and didn’t scream at anyone inside my own head. There it is…that bit of light peaking out from my historically “darker is better” mentality.

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

Hump day. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, convinced it was time for work and then would be thrilled it was only 3:36 a.m....4:19 a.m....5:42 a.m. Not my best night of sleep. Woke up with a gnawing sense of malaise, like when you think you're hungry but nothing really sounds that good to eat. The only thing I know what to do in those moments is turn on some music, so car dancing it was. And then of course, THAT happened. It was like the sky really wanted me to update my blog today. Then I got really happy and the music got really good and I remembered we're gonna go hear that DJ this weekend and I really need to stop driving and taking these photos. But also ...what would happen if you lived your life doing what the universe wanted you to?

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

Monday morning and I don’t even mind because it was just one of those magical weekends full of family, friends, music, new projects and good vibes. Last Thursday, a man died in the spin class before mine. Sadness and tension were palpable within the studio and on the young faces of the staff. Paramedics were doing chest compressions and using the defibrillator for 45 minutes but he was gone by the time they got to the hospital. I saw a glimpse of him being carried out on the gurney and, even though I’ve never seen a dead person before, I thought to myself “that man is not alive.” I wonder how his day was. Maybe he got up and went to work: “yay it’s almost the weekend and then I get to go to my spin class!” He was there with a friend so maybe they had dinner plans. Did he know he’d walk in with his legs and be carried out on his back? What if he could’ve known? What would he have done differently? Just like this weekend was for me, I hope he wouldn't have wanted to change a thing.

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

I took this pic while driving home from work because I am a reckless individual and this is my favorite type of sky.

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MLK weekend, 2017. I took a walk on Ocean Beach and it was freezing but I wore a parka. I listened to Tiny Dancer and the Eurythmics and sung loudly into the waves so only they could hear that I was off-key. Ocean Beach is where I’ve logged in a lot of miles and a lot of questions and this time I got the answer of yes when I thought “is this all there is?”

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

Outside our deck. I was frustrated that no matter where I stood, those damn lines were in the shot but I guess there’s no way around modern life.

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Bordeaux, 2015. The first pic got a ton of comments and likes on Facebook and I likened myself to the Ansel Adams of iPhone pics because I am crazy.

[whatweretheskieslike-blog]

San Sebastien, 2015. 9:30 p.m. It was cold but I was still happy.