whenigetthesads

[whenigetthesads]

I should start birth control so I don't have to deal with bleeding out of my fucking vagina

[whenigetthesads]

Is she talking about me or someone else A novel by me, someone who is generally awful and incapable of really determining when I am doing that

[whenigetthesads]

deadddddddddddddd on the innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnside

why can't i stop myself from shutting her out??

idk man, idk

i think im trying to find excuses in my head but in reality it's mostly because i trusted her too much not to hurt me, and we can't have that

and apparently

APPARENTLY 

my friends do not get me as well as i thought they did

or maybe they do, because they all think im a massive fucking bitch

[whenigetthesads]

I hold myself to a RIDICULOUS double standard and even though I know that I cannot stop doing this

[whenigetthesads]

I was raped

[whenigetthesads]

And Robbie and Kenny and Haley?? But I haven't talked to them in forever Actually since Shelby called me for Robbie, and Halloween for Kenny, and before even that for Haley I just??? I would really like it if I could keep my friends But I also don't want to drag these two goddamn stars down when I inevitably crash and burn They love me too much ya feel They'd die

[whenigetthesads]

People that GET me -Matt -Vina -Emily

[whenigetthesads]

"I love every fucked up little part of you" Honey I haven't told you everything You think you know but you do not And maybe?? I'd believe you?? If you fucking acted like it?? Instead of acting like I don't care about you just as much Instead of laughing at me when I tell you some things that are REAL goddamn personal Instead of only clinging to me when apparently there's no one else And ditching me regularly So.

[whenigetthesads]

So I just ???? Idk what to do I feel like I'm not really allowed to be sad about this shit anymore And I also feel dumb for having expected this kind of thing not to happen But this shit ALWAYS happens Sorry, self, for giving a couple people the benefit of the doubt for once and being blindsided by this kind of thing It's easy to ignore the little things usually but right now everything gets to me Whatever, at least Matt cares enough to invite me out of pity

[whenigetthesads]

How would I describe myself?? Lonely enough to cry about not having an excuse to talk to people But not willing to try to initiate contact without that excuse

[whenigetthesads]

DONT tell me what to do bcause i will not do it

jesus christ

idk why this kid annoys me so much all of a sudden but it's like everything he says i just

sink my claws in and go 

"NO"

[whenigetthesads]

i ha  t e using the common bathroom when it’s empty because i have felt like something is stalking me in public bathrooms since i was 16

christ

ESPECIALLY showering because being naked is so

how the fuck do i defend myself when im gonna slip and bust my ass on the tile

[whenigetthesads]

My teeth hurt Which means something else is gonna happen Some people feel it in their bones but I feel it in my jaw From that time I broke it lol

[whenigetthesads]

CONSISTENTLY fucks up Goddamn mobile

[whenigetthesads]

I felt fine until I actually got my dumb ass out of bed Now I feel so goddamn dumb and stuff I'm a real fuckin class act

[whenigetthesads]

Oh man Guess I'm finally gonna eat something today So far I have failed basically all my friends and family today so I guess o deserve a snack for that fucking achievement

[whenigetthesads]

Also: awful nightmare. Not really sure what it was about but I had to sit in the room for a while with my friends and focus on not crying And then I came back to my room and sobbed hysterically Lol