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whenwemeetagainill-blog · 5 years

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Feb 20. Thursday 2020

Dearest Pat, I finally understood why you're doing what you're doing. I felt abandoned, not cared about, and sometimes that you hated me. I was so confused. Truth is I'm still confused. know that deep down you know I told your family because that is what I've always turned to in my darkest moments. It's always been the thing to pull me towards the light and reminded me of who I truly am especially at my darkest. You kept saying I did it out of vindication, but baby I know you dont really believe that because you would have never spoken to me again. I thought, I mean I truly thought you wouldnt after you blocked me on everything..my emotions during that period would go from "wait seriously?" To "are you fucking kidding me?" To "why did you leave me?" To "what the fuck made you hate me?" To "I deserve better." I didnt want to come back to California. Truly. I remember having to down an entire mojito, a shot of tequila, and two drinks you showed me Tito's and seltzer on the plane. I was to pick up my kittens, they were staying at your moms since you were the only other person who I knew in this area to take care of them. But you were so angry. It was so hard.. the man I fell in love with, the man I wanted to marry.. well I had faith in that man.. he was my favorite human. I admired everything you did. Your disciplined life style always inspired me. Your cleanliness. Your routine. Your selflessness. Your attentiveness. The way you used to handle my crazy, which always ended up making me giggle at myself and all the silly thoughts my mind could come up with. Your love for your family. Your famous quote "family heals all." When we did drugs for the first time I never thought things would change so drastically over the next few months. If you asked me a few months shy of a year ago I would have never ever pictured us ending up in such a broken spot. If I had known your family would have handled things the way they decided to I would have had to come up with a different route to help BOTH of us get back on track. You dont give up on someone. You dont outcast someone or not speak to them. Not in my family we dont. In fact my family does the opposite. It surrounds me like a village, supports me when I just feel like running or drowning in my own well of demons. They remind me of who I am and what i am capable of.. and the desire to continue down the dark path fades. The desire to get high after a while begins to look so unimportant. I feel like you're not sober. I dont know why my heart is screaming you're not. I suppose because the man I fell in love with would vocalize he knew I was trying to do the right thing and we could work together as a team... you're out with your family but that doesnt mean you had to lose mine and myself... the girl you used to call "the love of your life." When I was ready to surrender to the fact I would never see you.. you called me back after hearing my message. You agreed to having closure and asked me to bring your things. I was expecting a cold "thanks for my stuff, nice knowing you." Instead you held me. kissed me, made love to me, cuddled with me and ran your fingers through my hair as tears dripped down my cheeks. You told me how much you had missed this." I felt hope. Like maybe if I dont call or give you enough space youd miss me enough. It was the first time I recognized you the man I love for the first time in a long time. We made love the next day one more time. Before things got so confusing. I got emotional. I moved all the way down here to this city.. near your work for you. We were supposed to have our own place and start planning for our future. As I left your place after we had sex, I began to get frustrated. I realized that our definitions of love were different. I know the you that I fell in love with would STRONGLY agree. This was an ego thing. I told you: I was so weak in fear you would leave me that I didn't stop it when it began. That will be my biggest regret in this whole situation. I continued to tell you real love is selflessness. I was thinking longterm and what was best for our benifit. You had to go to tour your search for the new apartment you were going to move into. I got mad. So mad. What about us? I mean couldn't we work this shit out.. I am in a place where you built our furniture. I kept thinking why is he punishing me? Why...? You're still not you yet. Not the man I fell in love with. You're the person that you were starting to become that I was trying to pull back from the dark.. except worse.. it's almost like it speeded up by 20x. You stayed selfish. You stayed immature and with this weird mentality... you stayed NOT the real you. I got desperate. SO desperate. By behaving this way it's hard to believe you're clean. It's hard to believe you're sober. Because that man would never ever treat me the way you have the last few weeks since I shed light to our families of what we had done. My dad even called you offering rehab or anything you needed. You thanked him for his generous offer but declined it. You're still declining any type of help.. So it got so confusing and so frustrating i began getting crazy. I look back at it and I plrealized maybe I was trying to give myself an actual reason I was being treated like shit or like some emotional infant. You knew that ghosting me is the worst kind of pain. You did it so well. The longer you refused to see me, or answer my calls..the more and more crazy I got. I was desperate. Telling people our business always guaranteed a text... it felt like that was all you cared about your "image." Which drove me nuts. What about what I cared about? It was not until two days ago after an awful arguement and crazy ass behavior including threats on both of our ends.. which in this case was vindictive of us both that I surrendered to the fact i completely lost my fucking mind. I told you how ashamed I was and that I love you so much and you said that you love me too 💗. I hadn't hear those words in a few weeks. It felt like forever. It softened me. I cried. I cried hard. That was the start to the shift where I again began to recognize my baby. I looked at our old photos.. all of them outweighing everything bad. They always have. I began to feel more like myself, more like the woman I had grown with you by my side that I was so incredibly impressed with. The next day.. today I was so productive. Youd be so proud of me. I think that's what I'll miss alot too. Being able to tell someone the small and intricate parts of my day. I guess that's why I started this private page. Tonight's conversation was hard. Sad. Beautiful. Forgiving. Understanding. Accepting and loving. You kept your response short..I know you well enough to know it's a method of self preservation. When you said we should have radio silence for a long time... my heart oh gosh it shattered. I was at my first work event for NAMI Oceanside... when you sent me that. I later sent you a message. I finally understood it. I shared this with you. You said you believe in me. I believe in you too my sweets. It's all so fresh. It all stings. I'm not sure if you really are just saying all of these nice things because you are afraid I'd cause further wreckage... but the part of me that believes in the part of you that truly loves me wrote you the following.. (See attached text) You didnt say much.. but you didnt have to. I know exactly what your were feeling. All I had to do was close my eyes that had tears dripping out of them and put my hand on my heart like we had done so many times in your bed.. when words had escaped us and we were just trying to send each other love. I felt you. I felt you deeply in that moment. I also felt a sense of hope.. strength. Like theres something in the future that we aren't quite done yet. I know you were so happy when your dad would write you letters. I also know I dont know who I'm going to tell all of the things I'd tell you. I want to respect your boundaries. We both need some time. So I'm writing this down. To my best lover and teacher and best friend yet.. and when we meet again I'll share all of it.. to let you know just how much you've been missed and HOW much you missed 💗 I love you.

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