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Recovery

I just changed the name of this blog from “Stop  eating your heart out: My food addiction” to “Eat: My recovery”

Today has been a very difficult day. The past 8 months have been very difficult. I am about 50-60 pounds heavier than usual. I am feeling uncomfortable in my skin. I feel like I’m taking up too much space, pretty much everywhere I go. From the break room at work, an arcade, a concert. I don’t feel like I deserve the space I take up.

I see my cute, thin coworkers wearing jumpsuits, rompers, high waisted jeans and crop tops. I envy them. I want to look like them. I don’t fit in there. Everything in the building is made for small bodies. The break room table is so small when I’m sitting at the table the corners of the chair dig into my thighs. It’s so embarrassing I don’t want to bring it to anyone’s attention. My boss only caters to small bodies. I wonder if she is concerned about my weight gain affecting her businesses image. Clients ask me where I shop for clothes and then recommend somewhere with clothes that don’t carry my size. People dont seem aware that extended sizes are not everywhere. They are actually quite limited. 

I started a new medication this week. Lamictal and an increase on my Wellbutrin. I dont know if that has my emotions out of wack or if i’m just a wreck forevermore. I couldnt stop crying for a long time today when i got home. i know aaron doesnt know what to do with me and i often wonder if he would be better off with someone who isnt mentally ill. I said I didnt want to be here, anywhere. I just want to be gone, subside my pain. my abandonment. my lack of support. my lack of parents. my childhood trauma. is it worth it? to relive everything and in the end have nothing? i dont have a mom anymore. even though she is abusive i miss her so much and i just want her back. but i can never let myself get pulled back into her trenches again. but i feel so so empty without her.

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31 days. 

31 days sticking to a strict keto, low carb way of eating. I went on vacation to Chicago and didn’t want to miss out on all of the good food while I was there so I let myself have everything. I told myself I would go easy. But I didn’t. I knew I wouldn’t. I ate pizza (twice), cheese fries, ice cream, boba tea, churros, hot dog, onion rings...the list goes on. Does the list matter? No. This opened up the flood gates. I felt like I needed sugar every day after that. I have been back home for about three weeks now and I am struggling. There was a birthday celebration at work, so someone brought in donuts. I have passed by donuts a thousand times but this time the sugar addict inside of me won. I ate a piece of a donut. Then I took a donut to go. Then I went to shop n save and bought boneless chicken wings and a candy bar. I ate the candy bar and donut in shame in my car on the way home. When I got home I told Aaron I ate a donut, but I didn’t confess any more. I shared a frozen pizza with him, because what was the point after I ate everything I ate earlier?

The next day it was another birthday and there was a cake. There was leftover brownie from pizza hut. I ate a brownie, a cosmic brownie, a piece of cake, my protein bar. I left work and went to Walgreens and bought licorice, peach rings and a large chocolate bar. I went home and ate it almost all before Aaron got home. I wanted a laxative I had made myself feel so terrible by eating all of that sugar within hours. We didn’t have any laxatives. When Aaron got home I was lethargic and crabby. He started doing the dishes loudly and I asked him why and was he mad at me that I didn’t do them? I told him I was extremely depressed today and went upstairs. He came up and asked if we could start over. I went down stairs and sat on the couch and he wanted to know what was wrong but I couldn’t form the words with my lips. I told him he wouldn’t understand. He can have a king size bag of m&ms sitting at his desk for a month. If I had that bag it would be gone in 2 days. I do not have a healthy relationship with food. I want to eat it until it’s gone and I can’t control it. He told me I could control it and I had been doing so well. But it’s not true. Messing up is messing up and it takes a lot to get myself back on track. I cried. 

This morning I went to McDonalds and got a sausage biscuit. I ate some icing from the cake in the break room. I ate a bag of mini muffins. I went to McDonalds for lunch and got a double quarter pounder meal. I ate it all. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I am on auto pilot and I don’t know how to stop. 

 I am questioning the Keto lifestyle because it has A LOT of restriction. I thought that was for the best since sugar is like an addiction to me but I don’t want to go my whole life not being able to enjoy the newest fun sugary crazy that comes out montly. I enjoy food and I enjoy sugar. I don’t want it to be something I can never have or enjoy again. I want to be able to have my occasional cheat/treat and not feel like shit afterwards. I want to be able to do that and then get back into my healthy eating. With Keto they do not encourage you to cheat EVER. Idk if complete deprivation is healthy for me because it leads to me snapping and binging for three days or longer because I can’t do it anymore and I’m jealous of everyone around me living. Is it wrong that I think of eating whatever you want as living? Probably. 

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Triggers

Things that trigger me to eat compulsively and what to do instead.

Stressed from a bad day- journal, work out, listen to music, do my makeup

Mom’s house- eat nuts or a piece of fruit instead 

Work lunch room- AVOIDDDDDDDDD, don’t even look at it

Parties or get togethers- eat beforehand or choose the healthiest option

Alcohol- Don’t drink

Not prepared for meals- always meal prep and have quick meals available at home

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Things I am grateful for

My house, My Car, Cell phone, Wifi

Aaron, Kelly, Mom, Dave, Cherise, Ariana, Faith, Danny. Luna and Finnick.

Job, Two jobs, A flexible job, Education, insurance, able to afford doctor visits and medications. My beauty room. 

Having money to do what I want for the most part. Being able to furnish my house in less than a year. Going to the gym. My senses. A body able to go to the gym. Being able to live in a free country. Having a supportive fiance who isn’t controlling, irresponsible, lazy or jealous. Music. Netflix. DVR. The ability to read. The ability to teach my niece about love and respect. The ability to teach myself to better myself daily, to love myself. Grateful to be kind, compassionate and loving to others even when it seems they don’t deserve it.

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resentment & forgiveness

I resent myself. For being hard headed, emotional, judgmental, harsh, stubborn, nasty, fat, lazy, binging, not knowing when to stop, talking badly about others, hoarding my anger, not accepting forgiveness

Paula for not understanding her job, for coming to me for everything, for sending everyone else to me, for not trying, for not being a good nurse imo, for talking down to me, for insulting me, for insulting others, for looking like crap all the time, for rubbing in my face the doctors gave her $100, for never including me in things, for pushing everything on to my plate, for going to HR on me, for reporting me to HR.

Michele for going to the CEO about me, for being two faced, tricking me into thinking she’s my friend and is trustworthy and then completely stabbing me in the back.

Sue for siding with Paula, for not listening to my side, for assuming things about me, for believing everything Paula says about me.

Dad for not loving me. for abandoning me.

Mom for not being able to help herself stop her own misery.

Stephen for never holding a job, for spending my money, for getting his car repoed, for hurting me, for using the pity card, letting me be the head of household, breaking my belongings. Making everyone in his family hate me because I broke up with him.

Anyone who has ever said anything rude/mean/untrue about me. Tim Matt’s wife for saying I was a slut in high school when I was a virgin, Alicia from shop n save telling Stephen I was a slut because she wanted to date him, Amy from Comtrea telling Stephen I already had a new boyfriend because I posted a picture with friends on facebook and there were males in the picture, Dr Jos for asking me if I gained weight and asking if his psychiatry trick worked on me to help me lose weight, katy for saying she remembers when I was thin, Anyone who ever made a comment about me being blonde and dumb, into my looks and assuming i’m dumb, my family calling me stuck up because I like wine and don’t want to live in jefferson county

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resentment

THEN: my mom for hitting me with a switch, for hitting me in general, for getting into cussing fights with her, for leaving me at home while she dated, for making me watch and care for my sister, for bringing different guys home, for spending the night with guys and leaving us home alone, for making comments about my weight, for not noticing I was sad and depressed, for not knowing I skipped school for a month

NOW: my mom for getting sick, for being disabled, for being helpless, for taking too much medicine and falling asleep on the toilet, for needing things from everyone and it never being enough, for being with a hateful man she can’t get away from, for letting my sister walk all over her and use her

THEN: my brother for never listening, for always getting in trouble, for doing mean things to me such as bashing my head into the computer screen, super gluing my hands together, constantly making fun of me, having his friends make fun of me, him and his friends calling me shamu, when people found out I was his sister they would be shocked because he was “cool” and cute and I was fat and ugly.

NOW: my brother going to prison, for cheating on all of his girlfriends, never holding a job down, never trying

THEN: my sister for being pretty, skinny, tan. for having boyfriends before I did even though I was older, for always tagging along to my friends

NOW: my for having a baby and not loving her enough, for letting her daughter witness her fighting, for getting pregnant again, for staying with her stupid boyfriend who treats her like crap, for not doing something with her life

THEN: my dad for not wanting me, for beating my mother, for beating my brother, for not claiming my sister as his own, for not meeting my mom on pick up days and we would wonder why he didn’t want to see us that weekend, him never calling to even cancel, for not talking to or seeing us for months at a time, for making us go to his family's house where they would make us feel like outsiders, constantly being judged for my weight by my family and going shopping with my grandma and aunt and being so embarrassed because nothing fit or looked good, for doing the same with his new wife- for caring more about her kids than about his own

NOW: my dad for not wanting me, I sought my father out on Myspace then Facebook and tried to make a relationship. We met up a few times here and there but then he just stopped trying. He would message me randomly and say things like “hope you are well” and he would like my Facebook photos and even share old ones of me on my birthday even though he never offered to meet up or even see me or call me on my birthday. To share photos of him with his “grand kids” which are his wife’s grandchildren and to not be involved in his own children’s lives makes me sick. After much debate I decided I didn’t want him to peek inside my life and know everything that’s going on without actually being apart of it, to me that is not fair. You can’t tell the rest of your family about my life, tell your coworkers and not even speak to me. That’s not real and you don’t deserve it. So I deleted and blocked him and I feel better. If you’re not going to be IN my life then you don’t even get to see it from afar.

dave for being violent with me, for making fun of me, for always mocking my diets, for being too fat for him or too skinny for him, for him to buy me sugar and get mad when I don’t want it, for treating my mom like crap, for being so hateful and judgemental to everyone, for calling Kelly LB because he thinks shes a lesbian, for favoring my sister over me, for having different opinions of people on different days.

bullies who called me names, made fun of my clothes because i wore the same pants two days in a row, yelled out no I will not make out with you just so the whole class would look at me and laugh, not eating during lunch because I didn’t want anyone seeing the fat girl eat, the fat girl didn’t deserve to eat, being told by a friends parent that she needs skinnier friends, parents friend saying something about me being a drop out, being forced to drop out because I moved to a bad town and then everyone assuming I just wanted to drop out because I was a loser, constantly moving, having to go to new schools when you’re bullied, making friends and then losing them due to moving.

People at work who continue to comment on my weight saying things such as “I remember when you were thin”, “are you trying to gain weight? Cause it looks like you have”, “you’re heavy but you can tell you work out” too many people have commented on my weight and they think because they can see me with their own two eyes that that gives them permission to comment on my body. I wear a lot of baggy clothes now to hide myself...when I wear something fitted I get the “you’ve lost weight” comment and Its because I’ve been in hiding. I want to walk around in a trash bag so no one can see my body.

ex boyfriends for treating me like crap, for taking advantage of my kindness.

buying him a ticket to MO to live with me, taking my car and wrecking it, taking my car and getting a DWI and getting my car towed, getting a car repoed that i cosigned on, getting us kicked out of our apartment, breaking up with someone and then being made feel guilty for it, getting threatened to commit suicide if I did this or that, throwing a remote at me and hitting me in the back, throwing a fountain soda at me, pushing me onto the bed, overdosing and making me worry to death, overdosing after being broken up with, starting a new job a day after a break up, driving far to see someone for the last time, buying someone numerous phones only for him to keep breaking them on purpose, broken up with over the phone, myspace, being with someone who can’t hold a job, being the financial dependent in a household of two, being an enabler, being called fat when the relationship was over, laptop being thrown down the stairs.

I want someone to understand me. I want to speak and be understood. I don’t want to explain myself and when people don’t understand me I get frustrated and angry. I want whomever I’m speaking to to know my feelings and I think I shouldn’t have to say them, that person should just know and when they don’t I get hurt.

I would steal little cakes when I lived with jess and take them to my room and eat them, honestly I’ve done that a lot of places. I would just take cakes and cookies from cupboards and eat them secretly or shove them in my mouth quickly.    

Gluttony: Feeling sad or depressed, and holidays are time I always eat excess. Or If I’m at my moms house, or just at home with nothing to do. 

Wrath: I feel like I have dropped all of my grudges and made amends with those people such as connie, amanda, my dad, my exes (in a way). I don’t think you need to be best friends or even involve said forgiven person in your life for you to forgive them and let it go. It is easier for me for my dad to not be in my life since he only wants to be in my facebook life. I don’t know if I’ve forgiven John and Stephen. I feel angry writing about the things they did to me. And also shocked that they happened.

Envy: I envy alot of people. I mostly envy people who are happy and comfortable in their own skin and with their lives at the present moment. They’re not always complaining and said about this or that. Just content.

Greed: I want to be in control and get credit for everything because I fee like I have always been overlooked at my job, where I excel.

Pride: I feel I am better than mean people and dumb people. People that have gotten “far” in life only to treat me as if I am not as good as them when in reality I am smarter than them. I guess I feel like I’m better than some people and that’s not true.

Lust: When I was dating I was meeting guys and sleeping with them whenever I wanted. I personally don’t think that’s necessarily bad but I know I was looking for love and acceptance in the form of sex and attention. Sex is not love but when you are depressed and hate yourself it sure feels like it could be.

I feel guilty for a lot of things I don’t think I should feel guilty about but I am just too nice and have too much of a conscious. I feel bad when I don’t see my mom often, when I’m not there to help her with things, when I wasn’t there to help her with her surgery, that I don’t see Faith enough, that I don’t see certain friends enough, that I don’t try hard enough to get to know Aarons mom. Things that I am made to feel guilty about. I am easily guilted because I love hard and I want everyone to know I love them.

I did feel guilty when I was dating Aaron in the beginning and I had Bruce stay at my house on the couch, however I did not sleep with Bruce and it was the last time I saw him and Aaron and I became official not long after. I felt guilty for not trying hard enough with Bruce and then trying too hard when he obviously didn’t want it any longer. The only relationship I felt like I tried to make it work because I was so devastated over the end of it. It was such a whirlwind of a romance. Something out of the movies and I just thought it was over before it began. But he went on to bigger and better things without me and thats how he wanted it.

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People are starting to comment on my weight. More positively now but commenting nonetheless. I am being told “you’ve lost weight” and I don’t really know what to say. Thank you? It makes me feel squeamish, uncomfortable. I don’t want people looking at my body or commenting on it. I know it is supposed to be a compliment but to someone who has had body issues their whole life it’s just uncomfortable to have other people judging what you’ve judged all along. What all the kids in middle school and high school judged me for my clothes and weight.

 I am reading a new book called “Fat Girl Walking, Sex, Food, Love and being comfortable in your own skin every inch of it” and she talks about how she grew up being fat and she never knew anything was wrong with it until a boy told her of course she didn’t have a boyfriend she was fat. She said suddenly she became hyper aware of everything about herself that was wrong in society’s eyes and how she was fat and considered unattractive. I suppose this happens for all kids growing up with something not accepted by kids or isn’t the norm. I’m sure I had that moment and I just don’t remember it or I have blocked it out. I do however remember never eating lunch during high school. Looking back it seems so weird that I didn’t eat lunch. But I know it was because I thought people would look at me and wonder why is she eating she is so fat she shouldn’t be eating. She doesn’t deserve to eat she is so fat. In middle school kids made fun of me and bullied me so much for being fat. In high school I decided I wasn’t going to eat during lunch so then maybe they would think I was trying to be less fat. The logic seems ridiculous now and I have heard many other people that are overweight have the same types of eating phobias per say. Like they think people not seeing them eat will make them look better. When really, everyone should be eating no matter the size everyone needs food to fuel their body.

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Assignment 4

The inner critics voice.

When do you criticize yourself or beat yourself up?

When I eat food off my plan. When I eat too much food. When I try on clothes and they don’t look good or don’t fit anymore.

What words does the Inner Critic use at those times?

Gross. Fat. Chunky. Theres something wrong with me. I have issues. I need help.

Who used to say the same type of words to you?

My mom, step dad, kids at school, brother, brothers friends 

If a Loving Presence were to say something to you when you made a mistake what might that be?

It’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. You’re only human. This doesn’t make you a bad person. You are still loved even though you just ate what you ate.

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10 good things about yourself:

I am caring

I am supportive

I am responsible

I am compassionate

I am loving

I am thoughtful

I am patient

I am friendly

I am open minded

I am dedicated

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Trauma

trauma- lower case t

parents fighting, brother teasing me, seeing best friend get weight dropped on his head, bullying, dad standing us up for visits, moving, switching schools, mother cussing me out, mother hitting me with a switch

Trauma- capital T

father abusing mother, father abusing brother, parents divorce

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Usually I am so afraid to attend get together or go out to restaurants with people because I am afraid of the food choices presented to me and the things I avoid that will be placed under my nose. Yes, I know I can choose something healthier on the menu but there is bread on the table. There are alcoholic drinks that your friends and family are having and want you to have as well. Hell, sometimes you want one too after a stressful week. I had three instances this week where these things happened and it was so much easier. I say easier in a sense that I didn’t feel extreme anxiety and pressure. I also didn’t feel like I couldn’t eat anything either though. I went to a get together at a friends house and she had bread, crackers and cheese and candy sitting out. I snacked a bit but I didn’t go crazy and I didn’t touch the sugar. I had one drink and I felt happy with my choices. I was STARVING after I left and now I know to eat before these things but other than that I didn’t beat myself up about eating a few carbs. I went to an event Thursday evening that had free food samples at each booth. I was very anxious that I would overeat and I was afraid of the things that would be offered to me. When we got there there wasn’t much there and some booths had run out so I was pretty happy that happened that way. Today I took off work to go to this winery day I had planned with my friends. Almost everyone cancelled so I told myself I want a margarita I will just go get mexican good with the few left. I went had two margaritas and ate a nice big chimichanga. I really haven’t eaten much else today because that filled me up so much. I feel like my control is getting better. Im not constantly looking for something to put in my mouth. I’m not constantly reach for food. I am trying to vent frustration, stress, sadness, anger by writing or doing something else productive rather than eating. 

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Energizers vs. drains

I am to make a list of energizers and drains.

Energizers:

Coffee, music, shopping, poetry, makeup, writing, youtube, organizing, art, working out, good conversation, spending time with friends, bonding time with my niece, spending time with aaron

Drains:

Stress, sadness, exhaustion, hurt, boredom, rejection, anger, conflict, arguments, my family, my mother, work, paula. Trying to make everyone happy, trying to please everyone around me.

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I’m feeling so much better from reading this book. I am only 94 pages in. I feel like I have a different out look on food and life. I have been making better decisions in general. I am intrigued by the idea of meditation and visualization. I already told a few people about visualization. You picture what you want (not material objects) and you put it into a bubble you send that bubble out into the universe and it will come to you. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but it will come to you. I purchased wish bracelets which are little thread bracelets with different colored beads on them for different meanings. I got the green one which is money and well-being and black which is well power and resolutions. I bought my coworker and friend a pink and red one for love, romance, tenderness and harmony. I bought Aaron a turquoise one which is healing, balance and bliss. The idea is you wear the bracelet until it falls off. The bracelet reminds you to be positive. It is supposed to bring you whatever feelings you put out in the world. I love the idea of it and they are only $2 each on the official website. I really do want to get into more spiritual and holistic practices. Even my training last weekend with the Aveda rep made me feel encouraged and inspired. They operate like no one else. They believe in feelings and sense and it was the most intense and amazing facial I’ve ever given. 

I have been to the gym Tues, wed, thursday morning this week and I think that also helps my attitude. It makes me feel alive and energized. I have been getting up at 5:30am and getting there around 6:00am and working out with my friend until 7:00am then I shower and get ready there. I hate showering and getting ready there so much! I did my makeup at work today and it felt lovely maybe I will do that from now on. I plan on going to the gym tomorrow night as well. I need at least two days to sleep in a little later and to get ready at my vanity! I am attending an event tonight that has free food and drinks and part of me is scared that I am going to overdue it and go off track afterwards. I started today arguing with myself if this should be a cheat day since I am already going to be eating off track tonight. I argued with myself that I could have a full sugar drink from Starbucks (I didn’t). I have this back and forth pull with myself in my own head a lot. I usually end up doing the right thing. I think I’m starting to realize how to deal with those arguments. Maybe they will never cease but at least I know how to tell them to shut up. I decided to eat on plan all day then let myself splurge a little tonight. I will restart my eating correctly tomorrow morning. I have already done so well. I can’t fuck this up. I don’t need food. I don’t need the satisfaction, joy and fullness it gives me. I don’t need it because I have so many other things to keep me happy. I was cleaning out my spare room last night and I was going through clothes and I found a pair of american eagle jeans that I packed away because they didn’t fit me. I put them on and they fit! I’m almost to where I was before. 32 pounds down, like 15 to go to get back to where I was at my smallest. I am feeling so much better for the 100x around this weight loss bullshit. I think I am fighting the demons. I think I am finally winning.

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I have been feeling quite emotional and practically turned inside out with all of the things happening with my work place. Today I went to the gym with my friend, Chloe and it was nice to be able to laugh at 5 am while we squat. We have created a Facebook group to support each other and whomever else wants to join. To encourage each other and keep each other accountable. To have no shame in our gym selfie game. I like it. I shared the book I’m reading in hopes it will help someone else too. To take an excerpt from the book:

 “For those of us who are compulsive overeaters, food has become our God, our Higher Power. It is larger than us, more powerful than us, and it can transform us. It is time to fire that Higher Power and begin to allow Food to just be food and not your God.”

This resonates with me so much. Food is just food. People eat food everyday. People are thin or fit. People FORGET to eat! I obsess over food. I think about what I’m going to eat before I eat it. I count down until the next meal. I obsess over the things I can and cannot eat. I salivate over other’s food that I “cannot have”. This is not normal and I know that. This is an issue and I am trying everyday to fix it. Joy should not come only from food. Food is not my only joy. Food tastes good yes, but it is not meant to eat until gorged. Food is meant for energy. Food is to run the body. I have been using and abusing food as my drug for as long as I can remember. 

I have never felt that deep and meaningful relationship with God. My mother so desperately wants me to have this. I don’t know how to have this. I feel spiritual, I feel connected to the earth and to nature. I believe in heaven and hell. I just don’t know how to worship something I don’t see or feel. I don’t know how to explain it. I have always looked at church as boring. It felt like a punishment to attend church and have to be quiet for 2 hours while the sermon took place. It was so long, how could a child understand this? I did enjoy bible school and things like that because we got to do activities. I feel like I am a Christian and that I believe in God. I just don’t know how to show it more or feel it more. I believe in right and wrong and I believe I practice that daily. I have morals and I don’t do anything against the law or against the book of God. However, I do support gay marriage and believe everyone should be able to be who they are with whomever they wish to be it with. So that’s another part of the religion thing that confuses me and upsets me. I just don’t know. I do know I feel a higher power in nature. I have never been a “nature girl” so to speak I was always the chubby kid sitting inside watching TV when my brother and sister were outside playing. That also had a lot to do with depression though. I do enjoy hiking and going for walks. It is a little cold for that now but I do like to connect with nature that way I do feel like that is very relaxing and refreshing to experience a peaceful trail.

I’m feeling quite lost. Everyone who knows me has so many opinions of me and I don’t feel like anyone knows me deeply. I feel like my insides are jumbled. I feel like I need to talk to a therapist to try to work through my deep rooted issues that are holding me captive in my head and in my heart. I feel pain, sadness, abandonment, disappointment and shame. I have so many feelings and I don’t feel like anyone understands. Certain people understand certain feelings but usually I am a big confusing mess.

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Assignment 3

I am now to write down every time I eat and my feelings next to it to see if I am and what I am eating for what emotional feeling. I have been doing well, eating ice cream when I was really upset a few days ago, but it was low carb ice cream. I know I use that as an excuse to eat the whole pint and I need to stop doing that. Just because something is low carb or healthy doesn’t mean you can eat as much as you want and I know that, I just try to pretend it’s okay even when I know it isn’t. I’m constantly asking myself, “What is wrong with you?” when I pick up a “bad” food and as I am eating it I say that to myself and say “something is wrong with me” because even though I’m conscious of my decision to pick this food up with my own hand and then put it in my own mouth I still subconsciously feel out of control and as if I don’t have control over my own body and what I put in it. It is an everyday struggle. Even though I have been doing well every temptation I see I want to grab. I know once I give in to one little piece of candy or one piece of bread I will spiral out of control and think oh I already fucked up it’s fine to just keep eating shit until next week. Worst mind set ever and I am completely aware of that I just need to figure out how to change it. I am going to start saying “I could” instead of “I should” and “I choose to” instead of “I have to” and hope that will change something in me as well. I am enjoying this book and have been thinking about getting a therapist to talk to about my issues. Writing is great, instagram is great too but it is so un personal and I don’t talk to anyone personally on there it is just my way of keeping myself accountable and trying to post a picture daily. It doesn’t always work though and then I just don’t log on because I’m ashamed or embarrassed because I know I should have gone to the gym or I should have food prepped and I didn’t. With instagram it is a bunch of strangers so I don’t really feel like i’m disappointing anyone. I think I need to see a therapist so I can report to someone and then confess my sins when I fall back into old habits. I don’t know. I don’t know where to start and how much it will cost. I know I can’t let money keep me from doing this. So, I won’t. I need to get this stuff out to someone.

I deleted and blocked my dad today from my facebook account. He hasn’t seen me in 5+ years but yet he wants to be friends with me and my brother on facebook as a way to kind of keep tabs on us. He comments on my photos but never bothers to message me or ask to see me. He is always saying “hope you are well” and other things that just makes him seem like he is talking at you rather than attempting to start a conversation with you. This has bothered me for quite some time and I think the fact that he is there peering into my life without thinking he has to be a part of it really pisses me off and hurts me. I have always felt abandoned and rejected by him since he stopped visiting or contacting us when we were young. He shouldn’t get the opportunity to see me, see my life from his computer screen when he makes no effort whatsoever to be a part of that life. Seeing my life how I want others to see it must be enough for him but it is not enough for me and every time I see a comment or a like it just brings back all of those feelings of hurt and they come rushing up to my chest and choking me. Here he is the man who didn’t want me and still doesn’t. But wants to be able to show me to his friends and speak of me as if we are father and daughter? No. You don’t get that. You don’t deserve that. I am done. 

[whenyougoquiet-blog]

Assignment 2

Journaling. Writing. This is to be my new norm. Today was a terrible day. Today was a complete and utter waste of makeup. Today was a day I tried to stand up for my self, today was a day I tried to do the right thing. Morals don’t always win. The best employees don’t always finish first. I was completely and utterly embarrassed and ashamed of everything that happened today and that has happened this week.

I have been working at my place of employment for six years. I am 28 and this is the longest standing job I have had to date. I know this job like the back of my hand, inside and out. I can do it with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. I am the lead and I was a supervisor. I trained my own supervisor, that should help put some things in perspective. This person started maybe a little over a year ago and educationally is higher than I am on the totem pole of life. In reality and common sense she is on the bottom, hell she has fallen off the totem pole. Common sense, smarts, wit, multi tasking, moral integrity and basic social skills are all lacking in this person. I have had issues with her since she started working on her own, ya know without me. Almost everything she does directly affects me or the clients I speak with daily. Things are not done correctly, they are not done ethically. Things are not done the way I have been doing for so many years which is the proper and correct way. She is absent minded and easily distracted. She makes careless mistakes and not once has she owned up to one. She is the queen of excuses and orders. She likes to bark orders to her three minions aka employees because she is far too busy to do these things herself. She likes to over analyze and nitpick every little thing her minions do even though she herself makes mistakes constantly. When I bring mistakes to her attention or question her (even in a non threatening way) she is on the defense and completely offended that I would ever question her. I question her make sure everything is correct and makes sense to me, the provider and the client. I do not question things to give her a pop quiz and to yell wrong in her face when I disagree. I only do it to complete my job properly and adequately. I have made complaints to my previous boss, her boss, her boss’ boss, human resources and lastly today the CEO of the company. 

I was to be leaving this company as I have just finished esthetics school and was going part time at this company. My part time was approved by my supervisor and I went down to two days a week. Everyone was happy and I had my new schedule at my new job. Three weeks later I am told by human resources and my boss that my request for part time has been denied and I must either return to my previous full time schedule or put in my resignation. Unfortunately I cannot afford to take the loss of income this job provides me as I make much more here than my new job. I asked why my boss told me it was okay to go part time if it in fact was not and I was told that it was a miscommunication. I was then never offered an apology from my boss and was basically just told to deal with it or leave. I then became full time again working my other job only on the weekends. 

Fast forward a few weeks. I am called by my supervisor to “come back to my office for a minute” I go back there and am met with Human Resources yet again. I am told this is a verbal couching and counseling and I am told my job description is being completely changed. I am told that I must repair my relationship with my boss now that I plan on staying with the company. My boss tells me she has not been acting as a supervisor to me and apologizes but felt like she couldn’t due to everything that happened with my previous supervisor and all of the horror stories she heard about her. She said she was going to let this go because I was leaving but now it must be addressed. She then recited all of these terms I must abide by such as no longer speaking negatively of her to my coworkers. No longer having an overall negative attitude. That I would speak to her with respect and open communication. I will not give push back to change. I asked if she was being coached as well as this relationship is not all my fault. She said that was none of my business. I told her I didn’t want her to comment on my appearance as she has referred to me as chubby in the past along with other offensive remarks. She scoffed and said I tell you you look like youre losing weight, that’s a compliment. I told her I was uncomfortable with any comments from her regarding my appearance compliment or not. The Human Resources rep says, oh and I was going to compliment your leggings. She missed the whole god damned point. This has nothing to do with compliments this has to do with boundaries. She has none. I was handed a piece of paper outlining all of the terms she spoke about and was told I must sign this. I cried, as I felt attacked and as if I were to be blamed for everything and that I was in trouble at a place I’ve done nothing but bust my ass for. I left the room with some time to think about everything before I signed this form.

I spoke to numerous people and asked opinions about what I should do. There was a huge fat resounding NO in terms of signing this piece of paper. I honestly don’t care about this paper. I only care about the fact that I am made to look like this unprofessional bitch in front of the head of HR and someone who doesn’t know me. The fact that I am being blamed for a relationship that “was doomed from the beginning” her words. The fact that no one cares that I have been insulted and personally victimized by this woman and then told I need to patch up our relationship. The next day I came to work and called the head of HR to ask if she is aware of the complaints I have had with her and if these have ever been addressed. She just kept telling me it was confidential and that she was not able to tell me what was addressed but that all complaints are addressed. I really got nowhere with her. So I decided I wanted to take this to the CEO. I spoke with one of my coworkers and friends and she had an experience speaking to the CEO and she said she was very nice and understanding and that it made her feel so much better. I took this as an opportunity to go for it. I felt like I was being pushed around and treated unfairly.

Today I met with the CEO and it did not go as planned. I told her basically that I felt targeted and that I didn’t think it was fair I was the only one told I needed to work on our relationship and that I don’t ever get follow up from HR. She said you’re asking me to tell you what is in someone’s HR file?! I can’t do that. I won’t do that. Would you like someone to be able to know what is in your HR file?! If that is what you’re wanting then I will end this meeting right now. She was almost yelling but she is the type of person who probably doesn’t yell but she looked pissed and disgusted. I said no that’s not what I’m asking I’m just wanting to know that I am hear and that someone cares. She said she had heard from someone of authority, someone that runs the whole office that I speak badly of my boss to the front desk staff and get them upset with her as well. I told her that yes, I vent to my friend who works at the front desk. She said that is a form of disrespect. Basically the office manager stabbed me in the back by going to her with this as I am only innocently venting my frustration to someone who completely understands and agrees on my stance of my boss. I am not being obnoxious, loud or disruptive which is what she made it sound like. She said venting is to be done behind closed doors. So I have permission to do this behind close doors just not in the ear shot of others? That’s good to know. So now this woman has this judgement of me from that report and knows nothing of the work and dedication I have put into this job. I am appalled, hurt, disappointed, embarrassed and at a complete loss. I broke down in front of her making things worse. She talked to me about controlling my feelings, being positive, setting my mind frame to start over with my boss and not harbor the feelings I have for her right now. I had said I didn’t think the relationship was salvageable in hopes she would transfer me. She said if you don’t think this is salvageable then that is your choice but I would hate for you to leave the company. So I am given an ultimatum. If only they knew the value I give to the company over my boss. She has absolutely no fucking idea. I do so much behind the scenes no one even knows to do or how to do. I save the departments ass weekly. But that’s okay. I can pretend. I will smile at you Mrs. CEO. I will smile at my boss. I will stay in my office and make sure not to socialize as most cannot be trusted. I will not cover her ass, I will do as little as possible when normally I do everything I’m supposed to do and ten times more. That’s fine, if that’s what you want. You can keep her since she’s of so much value. I have been looking for a job since that initial meeting took place. I will leave you behind with two middle fingers in the air and you will wish to God you didn’t do what you just did.

[whenyougoquiet-blog]

Assignment 1

I remember eating as a child being fairly normal. Until fourth grade, my mom was in a serious car accident and I had to move in with my grandparents. I was there for a good 6 months if not longer. My grandma cooked every night and she cooked fried foods most of the time. They were also into rewarding and spoiling their grand kids with sweets and treats. I think this is what started my bad eating habits because I had never had this much exposure and constant out pour of love in the form of food. As I grew older I suffered with depression and was bullied throughout middle school for my weight. Being bullied only made things worse for me. I skipped school for an entire month and would stay home even with my grandpa home I would stay locked in my mom’s room and be on the computer the entire day and of course I would have a stash of food in there. I continued to be depressed and over weight into high school. Most of my friends were also chubby or over weight. So we would hang out and eat, go to each others houses and eat, go out to restaurants, go to grocery stores and just buy gobs of junk food. We were supporting each others habits but at that age we didn’t know any better. Any time I felt bad about myself, sad, lonely, scared, mad I would always turn to food. Food was my emotional support when my mom was not able to be because she was a single mother of three with a very active dating life. I would steal food from my grandpas closet. It was sugar free because he was diabetic, but i didn’t care. Food has always been a constant for me, it is always there no matter what. You can always rely on food when you definitely cannot always rely on people. The biggest issue I have is sugar. I crave sweet foods and candy is my favorite food. I can buy an entire bag of candy and eat it in one sitting. I have no self control and I have no sense of being full. I eat it because it’s there and because it tastes good and makes me feel good if even for a moment. 

I have always been quite embarrassed of my eating habits. In high school I never ate during lunch because I didn’t want to be judged. I didn’t want people to see me and think why is that fat girl eating? She needs to not eat because she’s too fat. My mom would always try to tell me not to eat so much and try to get me not to eat so much junk but I just thought she was being mean to me and not looking out for my best interest. Now as an adult I like to announce the way I’m eating so that people are aware I am proactively eating a certain way and trying to lose weight. Many people in my life like to comment on my weight. My mom does, my step dad does. They always make comments about how I have gained or lost and I should try this or that and that I’m always dieting. They practically mock me. At work I have had comments made by my supervisor, the doctor I work for, and another co worker all commenting on weight gain. Every time I am shocked because no one seems to think about the internal struggle I am having inside. Obviously people who are overweight are struggling with their own inner turmoil and their own demons otherwise they wouldn’t be overweight. I can’t understand how no one takes this into consideration before making such remarks. I see myself in the mirror everyday, I try on clothes that don’t fit me, I bathe and see my naked body. I know exactly what I look like I don’t need someone insignificant to point it out to me. It is only hurtful and makes me feel even less valuable as if my only value is in my weight and my appearance.