whimmortal

[whimmortal]

LEIGHTON MURRAY in THE SEX LIVES OF COLLEGE GIRLS (2021-) CASSIE HOWARD in EUPHORIA (2019-)

[whimmortal]

Oh, that sounds like a brilliant idea. You'd better lawyer up, asshole.

[pm] YEAH? It fucking does? Gonna keep playing the denying game even in dms, asshole? You know I can't go to the cops because AFAIK they don't have a 'Vampire murder' department. Which they should ha

Nope, I actually have had a really fun and good time with my explorations here.

Great. Can't wait to get called in for that interview. Maybe I can also make up some shit for you to have done since that's clearly what we're working with here.

[pm] Sure, that's definitely a thing that happens in real life.

So that's either a no or a 'yes, and it sucked but I can't admit to that because I've built my entire personality around this'. Just thought I'd spare you making more of an idiot of yourself.

[whimmortal]

Nooo, the mustache killed it. Like, it was iconic. Would I like it in a modern man? Probably not. But did I love it there? Absolutely. Love me a good mustache. Pride and Prejudice 2005 .... now you do have good taste. Where does that land on the Bloodworth scale?

Why are you trying to parallel life experiences to math, Jade? Life is tough enough as it is. We do not need to compare large life occurrences with PEMDAS. It's tough enough out there as is.

If people yawn about me post-mortem, that's disrespectful and reflects poorly on them anyway. Would be crazy, wouldn't it, if some of that pop culture was real? Like don't you think sometimes I don't know, living forever sounds kind of cool to me. No wrinkles.

[pm] You're going to do numbers girl! Perfect, I need some gd fun.

Oh riiight! The men were there too! Jk, they were pretty handsome, especially the count, obvi. But something about the mustache, though, just wasn't sitting right with me. But I still ate it up. Loooved the little Pride and Prejudice (2005) reunion. LOL! Good thinking, I will be knocking on Casetify's door.

Totes, but not every life situation is a 2 plus 2 equals 4. Sometimes you get the whole PEMDAS. Sometimes it even feels like you're in an exam! And you're just trying to choose the option that looks closest to the number you solved.

And risk people yawning about it? Okay, babe! I do love flip-flopping on my takes all the time. [user kill bill sirens' go off] Aw, that would be fun if people could live forever, alas, we gotta leave that to pop culture. Actually, I bet forever becomes a total snooze after a while. Defo going on my hypothetical list, thank you for your suggestion <3

[pm] I looove that, are you kidding me? Do you think you have any more famous friends following y I'm ready for the gram. I'll pick you up on Saturday <3

[whimmortal]

[pm] Well, I don't really know yet, but I hope you'll prove yourself.

[pm] Oh babe, you know I won't have any problem with that.

[whimmortal]

[pm] RIGHT! I love a personality test but not if the intention is to make me join your cult.

He's uncomfortable or whatever about having hypothetical sex with either of us. Which I get in that other guy's case. Whatever, we know what we're worth. I'd still invite him to our wedding.

[pm] ugh for real! I don't have time for social interactions or your free personality test to see if I'm good for your cult.

I mean you are a total sweetheart and you have immaculate taste in books. And he's boring for not playing the game, which makes me think he'd object to bearing witness to something that stemmed from the game.

[whimmortal]

[User is conflicted. User wants to be alone but user is also spiraling.] Fine, I'll buy you a steak. We'll eat one together and you can take your notes.

Yeah, but it won't be real science if you write it down yourself. It'll just be, like, a food diary. It's better if someone else writes it down. [...] Well, for the low low price of buying my meal, I could also be eating. If it made you more comfortable.

[whimmortal]

Fine! You got me! I'm going to report you!

[pm] YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHY I CAN'T, BY THE WAY. YOU BUFFY'D THE BODY. FUCK Y

Fuck you. That's none of your business. I see you're hiding in private messages now, huh? So you do remember? You fucking asshole

That was a lot. So to recap, you're saying I murdered someone but you're not going to report it? In this made up scenario, wouldn't that make you an accessory to murder?

[pm] Find someone to indulge in your fucked up fantasy, yet?

[whimmortal]

Bitch, I wasn't going to report you to the cops or drag you into court, I'm just pointing out where I know you from, which SORRY TO SAY, happens to be because you killed someone in front of me. YOU asked me to jog your memory, I DID, and it's not my problem you don't like the TRUTH and the reality of your sad, ugly life. Keep denying all you want but I remember, yeah? I fucking remember.

Alright sweetheart, I'm going to introduce you to two groundbreaking concepts: sarcasm and evidence. I'm very fluent in the first, you don't have shit of the latter. And that's not gaslighting, that's just a fact.

[whimmortal]

I wasn't drunk and it isn't baseless! I saw it, I'm an eye witness, and you just said "Sure I did", so you've confessed too. Don't fucking gaslight me.

Sure it does, it changes this from a dumb, baseless accusation to a dumb and drunken baseless accusation.

[whimmortal]

[pm] Will not bother you until you are ready. But I am here okay?

I [...] care. I know it was scary. You do not want to be scared. You want to be like me and I think you see it is not so easy now. Or maybe I just think too much But maybe that is why you do not respond.

If you need something you can call me. If you need something you can call me. Because I [...] care. About you. If that was not clear. You do not need to hear my thoughts. Just want you to feel better.

Be safe.

[User sees the notification. User reads message preview but deletes the notification. She does not want to think about Metzli. Not about Metzli in her house, with their fangs in her neck and not stopping. User does not want to think at all. She turns on plane mode and cries while turning on Love Island again.] [Message marked as received, unread.]

[whimmortal]

Oh same, that's most of what I remember as well. Give me a bleach blonde man and I will simply hone in on that. Just like, get sponsored by a phone case brand. No chance at controversy with those.

2 plus 2 always becomes 4, though. Like I know math enough to know that. One day!

[User is not so enthusiastic about a bloody ending any more.] Maybe! Or maybe I'll just die in my sleep. Or ... live forever! That's the best answer, you know? Exactly. You could name him Eduardo, though. That would be cute.

[pm] This is going to be awesome, yep! Totally going to take a bunch of pics for my Insta, if you don't mind debuting there. Soooo fun. [User writes this while lying in bed, sad, but is convinced it'll be fun.] Let's go ASAP.

Ooooh, and how did you like that one adaptation from the 2010s? It's a little blurry for me, but it did have like an absurdly hot cast, that part I remember for sure! No cleanse powders, gotcha! Writing this down. I could never anyway :/ I enjoy food and beverages too much. I couldn't put nasty stuff in my mouth for a few bucks. [user has put many questionable things in her mouth for free]

It's just like, the vibes. When 2 plus 2 really becomes 4 in a way, you know? Yayy <33 Thank you for nodding along, that's super obedient of you. You're gonna make someone who loves bossing people around very happy someday.

LOL! Memorable is totally the way to go. [user feels some type of way about dying bloody. It used to be fine, so how come it's not anymore?] I'm totally crossing my fingers for you to get that ending! And no way, I would never name him Edward, that'd just be confusing if they ever hang out, you know?

[pm] Oh, you don't have to worry about that, babe. I'm in charge of riding. You're in the safest hands possible. But also you can totally take pics on it for all your different social media.

[whimmortal]

RACHEL SENNOT as Sam Cowell I Used To Be Funny (2023) dir. Ally Pankiw

[whimmortal]

[pm] Can I come check on your wound? Can I How are you feeling? Do you need anything?

I am so sor If you need me to stay away I will. Should have protected you instead of hurting you. Am not sure why I care but I do. Sorry. Sorry.

[Message marked as delivered, not read.]

[whimmortal]

Oh, you're one of them big big trolls huh. Ha ha. We are all so amused by your contrarian and provocative comments. Woo hoo.

For you, maybe.

[whimmortal]

Nope, I was not. Don't think that matters anyway, because that doesn't change the fact that you MURDERED someone.

Yeah, sure I did. Think I'm starting to remember you now, weren't you absolutely wasted?

[whimmortal]

Nothing about this conversation has been delightful.

I beg your pardon! I'm delightful, just practical.

[whimmortal]

You killed someone in front of me. [User grabs diary, furiously flipping through] April 25. Dance Macabre. Specific enough for you?

You're going to have to be way more specific.