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Do I care enough about the world and the people around me?

Recently, I feel that I'm such an ignorant and self-contradictory being. Only listening, seeing and talking about the things that I want to revolve myself around. Want to provide more than sufficiently for my family in the future, but am not providing enough my care and interest in them. If you ask me, do you know what kind of person your mom is like, I'll be probably be speechless. My mom! Even when doing trivia quizzes on my reactions and responses, I take a long time deciding which is the 'real' me. Is there even a 'real' me? Maybe this is the 'real' me: I don't ask, I don't wonder, I don't analyse. Is this my kind of selfishness? Living in my own world, making myself happy and not giving a damn about everyone else. You know, I don't even feel I have a character. Yes, I do have a pattern of behaviour and am clear about my likes and dislikes. But being with different groups of people, I present a different character each time. I used to be confused when I deliberately behaved differently to hide my feelings, but now, I'm not even confused anymore. I'm so comfortable acting differently. That my reactions could be presented for the first time in a spur of a moment. Am I scared of myself? No, I am not. But I am afraid of losing the people who have trusted me all this time, though I hardly gave a damn about them. Selfish, isn't it? Is it that hard to think a little harder, even using brain and logic to anticipate what others will behave like? Is it that hard to more pay attention to these people, whom cared for you so much you already took them for granted? I'm scared, really scared, because I don't even know what I am going to do next.

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Sometimes, I am so angry that I can't control my anger. Why is it always that I'm flaring up with my mom, and only my mom? Just now, I was so angry that she was always doing household chores on her own. She always believes that if she does hard work now, her life later will be better. Yup, I do agree with her on this. But she has this tendency to do things by herself instead of asking us to do it for her. Or she would call us to do it then get all fed up that we're not coming to do it immediately. So she ends up doing it for us again. These days, she isn't even complaining that we're not helping. Not that I want her to complain, but... I just want her to know that with a little patience, trust and nagging, we will learn to do things for her. Instead of her doing everything for us and taking her for granted in the process. But why did I even flare up and raise my tone to her?? She wasn't exactly calm while countering me, but she didn't flare. I didn't even know I was getting angry until I walked away for a moment. Or am I having little respect for her? How am I suppose to act to show that I have respect for her, and at the same time, that I care?

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I dreamt 2 nights ago that Park Bogum confessed and we were dating 😍🙈🙆 I feel like such an accomplished casual fan already 😂

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And then now i want some pizza... WHO CAN RESIST DOMINO'S (and bogummy😉)??

Domino’s Ad

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I want some waffles now~~

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1mth Epi-LASIK Review + Shocking thing I just found out

I started wanting to write this entry because I found something... So shocking that I hope it's not true. Anyways, went in for review today, and got my eyes checked blah blah blah~ Found out I had astig in both eyes, which is what I suspected from many weeks ago. Cornea is a little thin too, on both sides so... Vision is okay, just the astig. Honestly, I don't know what to do, cause it's astig, not that my vision isn't sharp. And it's not like I could do a correction surgery again, cause 1. corneas are thin, and 2. too early to do them when my eyes have a "3-year warranty". Then, went to KTO, asked a few questions regarding our trip (which weren't properly answered). And then I went to Arcade to change money for Korea trip. That place is just full of money changers! They had an entire floor dedicated to money changers. So you had throngs of people bumping shoulders with one another while checking out each changer's rates. Plus I went at lunchtime. Walked up and down like 3-4 times before deciding to go for lunch. Came back and changed money. Now. This is the one I want to talk about. The clock in our bedroom is out of battery, so I went to search for one. Couldn't find it in the common shelves, so I went to my bro's room to "borrow" one. I know I wouldn't like it if my bro came to flip my drawer, but... Okay, so I saw something in a Daiso packaging that looks like ink bullets that you put in a fountain pen. I was like, "Since when did my bro use this? Woah, my bro uses squash watercolour pens too?" Picked it up, noticed that they didn't look like ink bullets. Read: cigarette filters. Think: "Maybe it's for a friend, a gift?" (note: all the pieces were in there, still in perfect packaging, didn't look like it was torn apart) Back of the drawer, I found another packet of cigarette filters. This pack had one filter missing. Think again: "Or maybe it's for times when he has to 应酬 his friends." Pulled out the drawer a little more, saw a dark box sitting at the back corner. Read: Smoking is harmful to your health. Cigarettes contain x number of toxins etcetc. Open box, smells like mint, pulled one out and studied the stick. It's wrapped with a white packaging. Think: "Maybe its mint candy?" Contemplated to chew on it, decided not to. Replace stick, replace box lid. Read: "Not for sale to under 18." Suddenly, I feel so... Such a complicated feeling. A mixture of anger, disappointment, and helplessness. Just slightly before that, I was thinking to myself how good of a boy he is to be taking his TCM medication well. And then I found this. If he bothered to buy not just one, but 2 packs of cigarette filters, at least he cares for his health. Perhaps, if I talk through it with him, he may change his mind. Or what if i was getting too ahead of myself, and he actually already decided to quit? Then, bringing this up will only make him more embarrassed, maybe even start again. But, how do I even bring this up to him? At least, I know that I don't want to let my parents know. Should I tell my sister? I don't know what to do about this situation. I really hate smoking and dislike people who smoke. But, if this happens in my family... I can't say that I dislike my brother because of this. I don't even dislike him, or have any intention to. I just... Don't want his health to get worse... What should I do?

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If he's using 존댓말, means he's not interested in you. If he's switching to 존댓말 from 반말, you don't even stand a chance anymore. Just need to put this put here so I can stop thinking about the impossible.

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SIT interview

I'm waiting for my turn at for the SIT-UoG Nursing interview, and idk why am I only getting the freaks now!!! Better answer questions properly or else I won't get in anywhere >< Got to the registration counter, and she was asking me about academic results, even for Os... And I don't have it >< I just said I uploaded it online (it really is online). She told me to take a seat, and I grabbed one in front of a Malay applicant. Well, she's from my school, probably my batch too, and she brought her poly results, sec sch report book and our CLINICAL LOG BOOK. that reminds me... OMG WHAT IF THEY ASK A QUESTION ABOUT NURSING LIKE NURSING SKILLS OR SOMETHING??? I'm doomed then 😢

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Supposed to buy training shoes from the sale they're having at the mall opposite my house, but came back with this cute hate instead! Thanks mommy~~~😚 (gotta sneak a pic of Chipmunk taking shade under his new Penguin buddy) And I haven't written about my NUS interview. It went okay, but i answered the questions they posed really superficially soo... I doubt it would turn out good. And I heard from Rae that they give priority to A Level students and applicants with no nursing background. The reasoning? Because us nurses have SIT to study in. 😕 goodbye to studying in NUS. This brings back memories of having to write an academic plan back in Sec 4. I remembered putting down "MJC, then NUS for uni". MJC never got fulfilled cause I backed out and placed nursing as 1st choice. And NUS doesn't want me. What's up with all my academic plans?? And update for my eyes; no more dry eyes, hardly any blur vision (except near-work), no more pain! The only problem is my vision is still not perfect... But well, gotta give it more time! 6 months and we'll see what happens!

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i saw this and went... WHY AM I NOT IN KOREA NEXT WEEK? WHY???? God i have a weak heart, please don't do this to me

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POD8-9 EpiLASIK (+NUS)

I can't explain how much clearer my vision has become! After my bandage lenses were removed, it's as if a translucent veil was lifted from my eyes. Edges of things at a distance seems so clear and crisp. As for things in near sight, still quite blur but enough to make them out. In 6 months, I should see better! 😁 I'll wait patiently for it~ Today (and yesterday), I got scolded heavily by my mum. For not preparing the ingredients for cooking earlier (when she had called me at least 3 hours ahead of time) yesterday. For not confirming whether to replace the fish back in the fridge which she brought out in the morning to defrost today. I ended up leaving it out the entire day. So, my fault! ((i even contemplated cutting my fingers off with the knife, and trying so hard to hold my tears in)) don't do it next time, else my fingers could really go~ Received my full academic transcript today, and I got Diploma with Merit. Well, my sis was making a big deal out of it, when it really isn't. For her, it's top 5% to get into Director's List. For me, it's just 15%. See the difference? Not saying that it's easy to get into D-list and graduate with DWM - I had to work hard too. But for the same amount of effort we put in, I can get into D-list and DWM easier. Anws, NUS just sent an SMS a while ago for me to retrieve my interview invitation letter. Means I was rejected by FASS. Well, at least I tried. Guess God has still chosen nursing for me. And thank you to God for listening to my prayers on those sleepless nights 😊 wish me luck for the interview, i could still possibly fail the interview

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POD7 EpiLASIK review

Left house at 9:10am for a 10:20 appt, but managed to catch a shuttle bus from Bishan MRT at 9:55am, reached the centre at about 10:05am??? LOL so turns out I was early hahah 😂

Met Dr Choi for consultation (cause Dr Theng was all booked), and well, he looks pretty young for a senior consultant! Anws, spoke to him about my blurry vision progressively getting bad over the day, and he said it’s normal for EpiLASIK. Okay, you the doc, I’ll listen. Asked about my dry eyes and pain, and i think i got a little too excited while replying that i had none HAHAHAH! It’s a cause for celebration okay?

He went on to check my eyes using the light stuff thingy, said my eyes are healing well! Phew, all worries dispersed~ Removed my bandage lens, and gosh, he went a little too hard on the right eye, ow *wipes tears*

Then Dr Choi took some device kinda thing and told me to focus on the soap bottle by the sink. And he dabbed? touched? my eyes with the device several times each side. Ouh, so he’s testing my IOP hahaha. And stupid me forgot to ask how was it, cause he didn’t say, i took that it was good. Anws, teared and leaked from my nose quite a lot later. His chaperone (or are they actually doctors or optometrist???) placed an eyedrop in each eye (that i so wanted to grab the bottle and see what it is, since it’s placed right in front of me). I thought it was some dilators but it’s more logical that she placed lubricating drops.

Proceeded to wait for my vision acuity test with the nurse, it’s worse than last week. (even embarrassed myself and asked the nurse how do i cover my left eye after doing my right *facepalm*) And my right eye was a WHOLE LOT better than my left. Like a 6/9 and a 6/15 kind of difference.

Then waited outside for payment and my eyedrops. Got some super ex NSAIDs called Tobradex, Timolol for IOP control ((see, should have asked about my IOP), and Duratears in ointment form. So no more Prednisolone and Moxifloxacin drops!

Got back on the shuttle bus at 10:48am. Less than an hour for everything, weeeee~~ Gonna stop by the library because i haven’t visited since it’s opening. And going to rip those prescription literature once i get home!

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POD4-6 EpiLASIK

Really no dry eyes, I'm surprised too! Blurry vision still, almost like astig, i got so scared! Generally, my vision is best when i open my eyes in the morning. Then it gradually gets worse, so bad that it's like astig. Gonna ask Dr Choi about this tmr. And I'm getting my bandage lens removed tmr, wish me well!

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POD3 EpiLASIK

(got lazy so restrospective entry) Close to no dry eyes A little hazy vision Still blurry!

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POD2 Epi-LASIK

Symptoms today: - Dry eyes on right side. Was mostly on the left eye yesterday. (i usually produce more tears on the left too) Not producing as much tears as yesterday too - Blurry vision, that is really really blur. It's worse than yesterday. - Vision acuity has gone down as compared to yesterday.

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POD1 Epi-LASIK +Review

Well, just to document my progress and feelings. Yesterday (since this is a retrospective entry), I woke up really late. Because I had my period and it leaked on my bed, plus my eyes felt so dry it woke me up. While I was walking to and fro the toilet i had to keep my eyes closed because they were too dry. I hit my sister once face-on, a little too hard haha. Placed some lubricating eye drops and went back to sleep. Woke up at 10-ish am, placed my routine eyedrops (an NSAID one and an antibiotic). Meanwhile I was trying really hard to keep my eyes open. Idk why, but it felt like my eyes were swollen and i could hardly keep them open for more than 2 secs. After having breakfast, walking about and doing stuff, my eyes got a lot better. Not so dry as before. My vision felt really good, as if I've lost about 100-200 degrees (so 700-750degrees left?). The only thing about my vision is that it's REALLLY~ blurry. Not the astig kind or the halo kind, but just blur. Went for review with Dr Theng along (bro supposedly wanted to follow me, but got stuck at work). Thank god there's a shuttle bus from Bishan MRT to Mt Alvernia Hosp! And I was on time for the bus! Mt Alvernia Hosp was really big as compared to Mt E's one. Almost 2.5time bigger? Anyways, went in to do my visual acuity test first, and I think i did pretty nad on it hahah. Luckily, the constant tearing helped me hahah. I forgot to ask, but I reckon it to be about 6/15 or 6/12? Waited for 20-30minutes before I went to see Dr Theng. He said my "vision is looking really good, for an Epi-LASIK patient with such high degrees". Okay, I'm in the profession too, and sometimes we just say certain things to make patients feel more positive about their condition. Gave me a lifetime care plan card (a warranty card) and the usual memento he usually gives out. You know, the first picture after the surgery, and his autographed books. (he even wrote something like hope you would join us in EEC one day LOL). Got home and slept haha. Yup that's about it. ((and yup, he knew I was in nursing since op-day, cause he asked what was I studying. He was like, "Oh, nursing! Which school?" Me, "Nanyang Poly." Him, "So you can join us- but you are bonded right?" Me, "Nope, I'm not bonded, chose not to bond." Him, "Oh! When are you graduating?" Me, "Early May." Him, "Going to do your degree?" Me, "Yup, applied for a few places." Him, "So you can ask your friends if they'd like to join us, of course if you recommend them to do LASIK, that'd be great too! Consider joining us, okay?" ~talk about procedure and stuff Him, "I'll give you corporate discount plus your brother's recommendation. Consider joining us okay?" OMG he literally just threw in a corporate discount to make me join them!! What kind of bribery is this??))

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Gosh, just applying for university makes me and the people around me all so flustered... First, I procrastinated and only submitted my NUS application form and payment on the very last day. 21 Feb 2017. I even remembered I came to shift slightly earlier just so I could make payment at the hospital's AXS machine. Stupid me knew I had to submit supporting documents, but I didn't know how to and when. Fast-forward almost a month later (18 Mar), when someone in w-incle happened to ask me if I was admitting into any university, I decided to recheck my application status again. That's when I found out I was supposed to submit the supporting documents on 21 Feb. 👏👏👏👏 great job for not reading instructions properly. Better still, I couldn't log in to the online system, 'cause someone forgot their password~ Tried resetting password, not working. So stupid me decided that I had to fax them my supporting documents. Didn't want to tell my family that i didn't send it to them, so I wanted to do it outside. Turns out it was so expensive, i relented asking them about it. So that night, made a trip to my mom's office with my parents, and faxed everything. The next day, I completed application for SIT too, just in case, you know NUS doesn't want me. Then i found out i submitted unofficial transcripts for my 5 semesters *double facepalm* So, i applied to get my official transcript online. Then, just this morning, i called NUS admissions office to ask if they have received my supporting documents. And i updated them that i submitted unofficial transcripts instead of official ones, so the lady advised me to send my official one by this evening before 6pm through email. Yayyy but nay, cause that means I have to ask my school if they could rush it, or I could collect it today. Check with my school, the lady told me that they sent out my transcript this morning. Which I'm getting it only on Wed. Also, I happened to be doing my Epi-LASIK surgery on the day I made the calls. Time constraints and all. So my mom spoke to the lady, and she advised someone to collect on my behalf. Great, so now we're calling my sister. She got all angry and annoyed, she wanted to negotiate with NUS. The whole world felt like they were hating me. Imagine i was in the eye clinic, everyone could listen to my conversation. I knew i procrastinated, did things late, so it's ultimately my fault. Then all wonders happened. Doctor said i didn't need the collagen strengthening procedure, and he would do just a little more over correction, just to override any discrepancy later. While i was having my consultation with the doctor, my sister texted us saying that NUS would extend my application in view of my operation today. Just as long as I submitted my MC together with the documents I needed to replace. Suddenly, everything just brightened up, but i felt so indebted to people who i inconvenienced. My mom, my sis, the lady in the NUS admission office and my school's admission office. Want to say thank you and sorry, but don't know how to say it. Now I'm just waiting for my procedure, hope it turns out well, and my application turn out well too.