whineandwine-blog

[whineandwine-blog]

Why???

An open letter to the man who thought it was necessary to bring a hot dog on an airplane: I understand you're from out of town and the inviting smell of Vienna Beef wrapped in natural casings was just too much for you to resist. Being from Texas (from what I could gather by the drawl and height of your wife's hair), you get plenty of meat where you're from. And really, are layover airport hot dogs the experience you've been longing for? Book a trip here, come see a cubs game and enjoy hot dogs the way they were meant to be enjoyed. Surely, you were underwhelmed by your day old, microwaved frank. Now let's get to the toppings. It's 9 am, you're getting on a plane, yes onions are an integral part of the Chicago structure but so is being kind to your fellow man. No one sitting on this metal tube wants to play the game "is someone really eating onions at 9am, on a plane... Or did somebody not shower?" Not to mention the heartburn you're going to get.... But hey, that's your karma for being the a$$hole that brings a layover airport hot dog with onions onto a plane at 9 am. Signed, Disgusted

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what i really wanted to say.....

SO, I go into the GAP to return a romper that I purchased without trying on.  This is a practice I have grown fond of as of late.  As long as there’s a healthy return policy (I can be a bit forgetful, lazy, procrastinating...pick one), I’d much rather  bring the clothes home to try on in the comfort of my own home.  In my home, no one is in the next room asking for a size 2 because the 4 is too tight and when I start to sweat while trying on clothes to the point that the Mama Cass collection wouldn’t even fit, I can actually take a break.  No one is constantly mispronouncing my name as they ask me if I’m doing ok.  I mean....unless I ask for help, is there really cause for concern in a fitting room?  And do you really want to know that I was ballsy enough to bring in the medium “just to see” and now I’m doing some sort of ancient yoga practice to get this shirt off?  Shopping is no joke when you’ve been struggling with your weight your entire life.  

Back to the return.  I hand this salesgirl the romper.  Keep in mind that when she’s having a fat day, she needs to wear her size 2 skinny jeans...ugh, bloat.  She says to me, “was anything wrong?”  Um.....yeah!  Fat girls shouldn’t wear rompers.  I looked like a 10 lb tomato shoved into a 2 lb can.  What do you mean is anything wrong?  It’s a romper!  What the fuck could be wrong with it?  It didn’t charge when I plugged it in?  It doesn’t get along with the other clothes in my closet?  

Ah, how I would’ve loved to have said that.  Instead I just stared at the bullring in her nose and uttered a polite, “No.” 

Another favorite part of shopping is when people try to be “helpful” but instead they’re just leading you further down the path of “I’m going to go straight from here home, drink copious amounts of alcohol accompanied by a meal that is guaranteed to never have me in a romper”.  Like trying on a dress and the salesperson describes it as “forgiving”.....or saying that the spanx department is just around the corner if I want to stop on my way out.  It’s about this time, I start over-compensating and randomly and awkwardly throw in impressive facts about myself into our conversation.  Like, “Oh, ok....yeah, I know I totally have to wear a nude color scuba suit under my evening gown while I attend a really high profile event with my doctor husband”.  

I even do it at the shoe department.  I mean I explain away my size 9  feet  like i have  a third eye.  “What size would you like these in?”  “Um....I’ll try a 9...I used to be a 7.5 but then I had kids, ha ha ha”.  Right...he cares. All he cares is that my stepsister feet make it in these shoes so that he makes a commission.  He could care less that given my height (5′2″), I’m basically a hobbit.  

There’s no wise message here. I’m not going to tell anyone, least of all myself, not to care. I just hope the next time you’re caught in a shirt in a dressing room, or encounter a conversationally challenged salesperson, you’ll remember this and to laugh through it.  

[whineandwine-blog]

Episode I- The beginning. I love to write and in some ways I live to write.  I love to talk and this is just another way to talk (without ever being interrupted).  This blog will be about everything....the name already has tipped you off to a little of what goes on in my life. I can be funny, sarcastic, brutally honest and sensitive....and I don’t intend to hold much back.    I’m excited to share with you all and hope that you enjoy reading.