whiskeyandwolfsbane

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

8/26/22 - 12:51PM

There haven't been many updates, hence why I haven't been posting much; there still isn't really an update per se, but I figured I'd pop in anyway and go through it.

CONTENT WARNING: not too many details, but there is mention of blood/scabbing/etc. in this following entry so continue with caution.

So I'm still healing okay... I think?

My nipple grafts have been pretty gnarly and like, I'm moooostly sure that it's just because they're out of the "scabbing over" stage and starting the fourth stage which is a lot more grim-looking than simple scabs but I still have been stressing out about it. One of them, the last bit of scab kinda got stuck to the gauze pad, and even though I tried to be super gentle in removing the gauze, it still came off and there was quite a bit of bleeding.

It freaked me the fuck out, but that was a few days ago and I haven't had a repeat occurrence, especially since I went back to cleaning and redressing them twice a day after that. The lady at my post-op had originally said I could switch to just once a day, but I figured that if the gauze was getting stuck like that, it was probably best to change it out more often and so far, I've had no problems.

I'm still worried about the placement and look of my nipples in general; I haven't emailed my care team about the bleeding, just because the last time I was super worried about something regarding the grafts, a quick post on Reddit told me that I wasn't the only one who had experienced it and that it was probably totally fine - also I messaged the care team about that issue and basically just got a message back from someone whose messages I don't usually appreciate because they're always so... blunt and unintentionally feel kind of patronising. I'd rather not get a message from her again if I email about the bleeding so I'm just gonna hope that all is well. I mean, the scab was gonna come off eventually, it was already mostly off, so there shouldn't be too much to worry about.

But yeah. I'm stressing about the grafts is basically the main update here. What if they aren't healing right, what if I'm doing something wrong, what if it's not swelling and they really are too far apart, what if they don't look 'normal' even months down the line, etc.

I don't really know who to vent to about these things so I've mostly just kept it quiet and made occasional posts in the Reddit about things - I joined a group for this on Facebook, but the first post I made took days to get approved and when it was finally approved, there wasn't a single reply to it, so I just don't really bother anymore.

Anyway. that's basically all I've got really. I started using scar strips on my incision scars for a couple days, but my chest got super itchy again so I decided I would stop and see if maybe it's because of the scar strips.

So far, it's been a day without them and it seems like it has nothing to do with them because I'm still itchy as all fuck. I think it just coincidentally started the same time I started with the scar strips but isn't because of them, but I'll give it another day just in case. worst case scenario I just have to try something else, like silicone scar care gel or something.

Oh, and the medical leave paperwork - you know, the one I've been struggling with for months now, lmao. In short terms: nothing has happened. In slightly more detailed terms: I FINALLY got the stupid form that my job wanted filled out and sent to me, thank god. I don't think HR is gonna be bothering me anymore, although I don't think they're going to help me at all either since they already told me I dont qualify for financial aid from them.

And I don't think the state is gonna budge either on their whole "you didn't work 820 hours in the last year so fuck you" stance, but either way, I sent them the new form just in case and requested a review, basically saying "hey, I wasn't sure if this was required paperwork so I'm sending it now, also is there literally any way I can get any sort of financial assistance at all like maybe having it reduced because of the 50 missing hours of work I don't have or whatever".

I know the chances of getting anything out of that is next to none but whatever, may as well try.

In the meantime I tried reapplying for my EBT cash assistance card. That was a pain too because I didn't have pay stubs, and had to contact my job's HR, and of course they were out of the office, and I had to wait for them to finally come back and send me my pay stubs. Which of course I can't just email to the state, so I had to go to a nearby library and use their fax machine a few days ago, and now I'm just. Waiting some more for the state to get back to me and probably just tell me to fuck off, I don't qualify, lol.

Anyway. Yeah. That's about all I got, I guess.

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

8/14 - 11:04PM

My final post-op appointment was on the 11th! The nurse took off the steri-strips covering over the incisions, and cut off any remaining sutures that hadn't ended up dissolving like they were supposed to, and said everything appears to be healing nicely.

I'll take her word for it; though I have been and still am kinda worried about how, to me, my nipples look like they're spaced unevenly. Like, too far apart. Everyone I've talked to about it so far though says, you're still healing, the swelling still hasn't gone down, give it time. So I'm trying not to stress too hard.

While there, I went to bring forms to the front desk. You know, the ones they told me to fill out that I had already filled out. (I didn't fill them out again, I just brought the original ones from home.)

The woman at the front desk, the very sweet one who helped me the first time I actually filled everything out, said she would take care of it and when I came out of my appointment, to come by and she would give me my paperwork back.

So I get out of my appointment and walk up to the desk. She tells me that she did some research - and apparently I was already approved for medical leave.

This was very confusing for me, since I never got any sort of notification: no email, no letter, no phone call. The only letter I got was for when I got denied.

We discussed it for a short time, but only really could come up with "maybe things got lost in the mail". She couldn't tell me where or who exactly allegedly approved it either. When I got home, I eventually called into SAW to ask about it.

According to the lady on the phone - I have never had medical leave approved. Only denied.

So yeah I have no fucking clue what is going on anymore and I'm so over it, lol. I'm trying not to bother thinking about it anymore. Later in the day, my store manager texted to ask if I could come back by the 3rd of September. I considered it, but since outside of having money again I would gladly stay away for months upon months, I decided to stick with the date my own surgeon originally gave me (that I sent to him and the HR team actually) and say it'd be best to wait til September 9th. So that's what I'm doing.

Other than that... yeah. Same old, same old. Just playing video games, reading, trying to get back into writing and trying to learn guitar and trying to learn to draw.

There has been trouble in my family. One of my grandmothers passed away suddenly and shortly after that, someone else in my immediate family had a near death experience that I'd rather not talk about as it's not my place. I only just found out about the second; I learnt about the first a few days ago after it happened.

My mind is... mush. There is a lot going on mentally and I'm not sure how all to handle it. So of course I'll handle it the way I've been handling my beloved cat dying, and how I've been handling my crippling fear of the future, and how I've been handling my general pining for past relationships that have changed drastically.

That is to say, refusing to think about any of it and throwing myself into multiple forms of media at once (i.e., a game going on my laptop and one on my phone, a book open on the desk next to me, music playing in the background, and notebooks scattered around) and never letting up until I'm no longer able to stay awake, thus being taken by the release of sleep. I am well aware that I'm doing myself a disservice and only delaying the inevitable, and that it will be all the worse for me when the foundation caves in but... I can't really help it. It's all I know how to do.

Anyway, sorry, that was a bit of a depressing note and nothing really related to my surgery, which is why this blog exists, and none of yall need to be burdened with my mental BS, so - sorry about that.

On a positive note to try and bring this back; so far, it's been really, really nice to be able to wear tank tops and not be super uncomfortable anymore. I'm still semi uncomfortable because of how large my stomach is but it is very nice to finally have a flat chest and not have to worry about that part of things anymore. I'm excited to hopefully lose weight and then be able to fit into all the old shirts and jackets I've missed so much.

And... yup, that's about all I got, surgery-wise. see ya.

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

8/9 - 12:51PM

Whoops. I kind of forgot this blog existed, lol, my bad.

Not much has been happening though so that's alright. Here's the rundown regardless for anybody who might be bothering to keep up with this blog (I know at least two of you, hello!).

So far, everything is healing up pretty well. I haven't really needed painkillers in quite some time, though I've taken some once or twice when my chest happened to have more shooting pains/twinges than usual. Not because I needed it - the pain has been manageable - but because I am kind of worried that if I don't take pain meds, it'll get worse, and I'd rather kick it before it gets to that point. Nothing crazy though, I haven't had the oxycodone in a while.

Itching isn't as bad finally, though it is still frustrating. We've been changing out bandages and cleaning the grafts, which look gnarly as hell but are progressing well, I think. The steri-strips over the incision marks is starting to peel off as the stitches beneath them dissolve. I'm going back to the medical centre again for a post op appointment on the 11th, which is also when I'll yet again attempt to contact someone about that goddamned paperwork.

Ah yeah, the paperwork. Where I'm at there: apparently I was denied paid medical leave because I'm like, 50 hours short of having worked at a real job for an entire year. I wasn't going to bother appealing the decision because like... it's not as though I can magically provide another 50 hours of work out of nowhere, I doubt they'll approve me.

But shortly after I got that news, I got an email from work basically stating that I should appeal it, because if I don't get medical leave approved, all they can do is put me on a thirty day leave of absence, and then I have to use my PTO to cover any other recovery time.

I personally think that sounds like horseshit, especially since (wrong form or not), they have a doctors' note written by my surgeon in his own handwriting stating that I'm not supposed to really go back to work until September 9th. So what exactly can you do except allow me to recover for that long? Firing me over it (since by the way, I don't even have enough PTO, since I've only accrued maybe thirteen hours in the last half a year) seems illegal.

But whatever. I'm gonna appeal it. However, unless I want to actually meet with a court and have a hearing - and I very much do not - what I can do instead is just request a review or something. Unfortunately, for that, I need the correct paperwork - which if you recall, is floating around in Red Tape Hell somewhere in the far off distance.

So I'm gonna wait another day to see if that paperwork gets back to me, but if it doesn't, what I am going to do is contact my social worker - he called that same day I was dealing with this shit at the medical centre and when I told him what was up, he said that if this isn't taken care of in a week, to call him and tell him and he'll try and get people moving.

Unrelated - I hope - but I got a horrible nosebleed the other night too. Like... I'm not gonna get too graphic but it was freaky. Lots of coagulated gross shit and way more blood than I feel is normal. I used to get terrible nosebleeds when I was younger due to stress and cold/dry weather usually, and I could breathe much easier when it stopped, so I'm pretty sure that it wasn't anything serious, just a combination of factors and my congested sinuses finally clearing out somewhat. But I'm trying to keep a mental eye on things just in case it might be something to worry about.

And that's where I'm at with that.

Otherwise... life is about the same as usual. I just play video games, watch videos, try to spend more time reading or drawing or anything but looking at a screen because I do that way too often. I've been obsessed lately with WolfQuest, an oooold game I used to adore as a preteen that I recently rediscovered. You play as a wolf in Yellowstone, and it's centred on realism/teaching you through gameplay about Yellowstone's wolves. I like it.

Mentally: stressed. It was nice up until the 4th or so to just. Not have anything to freak out about. But of course with the nonstop haranguing by my job and the inability to get medical leave squared away ASAP, it's right back to frayed nerves.

Which I hate but hey, capitalism.

I'm stressed about money, and already thinking maybe I should try to be... I dunno. Doing something worthwhile, as in, worthwhile to society so that I can get money to scrape by with, but I'm not physically capable of most things right now. I just really wish I could find an at-home job that I could survive on so I didn't have to put up with this, it's destroying me mentally, and I'm not even WORKING right now. (Which is part of the problem while simultaneously meant to be the solution.)

I'm trying to distract myself as best I can from the thoughts though, because I never get to just exist without stressing about work, and I want to make the most of it before I'm thrown headfirst back into the Rat Race.

And that's about it, yup. Anyway, I'll try and update again soon.

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

8/4 - 12:22PM

I gave up putting titles on these, I can never think of fun ones or even ones that make sense, lol..

I finally got my drains out today! Thank fuck for that. It was a pretty awkward experience - my mom was there, which was fine, but there were also three other people in addition to the one person who has handled all my pre-op appointments this far. Two nurses in training, and a floating nurse, or something like that.

Getting the drains out felt weird, hurt a bit, but stopped bothering me after less than two minutes. Then I got all the info on how to take care of scars, the dressing, etc. I was asked if I wanted to get a picture and I told them no - that was a lie, I did want to get a picture, but I already felt weird enough with so many people in the room so I balked.

I'll probably be able to get a picture later tonight or at my next appointment on the 11th at my next post-op at least, so I can get an idea of how my recovery is going physically.

I asked the main nurse after everyone left whether or not she could help me figure out this certificate my job wanted me to fill out. The paperwork for medical leave has been a fucking nightmare so I was relieved when she said she could help fill it out and then see about getting it to the surgeon, whose signature and what not was needed.

Now, I don't think I've mentioned the paperwork BS here, so let me try to do that as succinctly as possible.

I notified my job two months ago about this surgery and they told me to apply for paid medical leave. I was given a little bit of information that basically amounted to going to the government website to print out the form for the leave application.

I fill that out, but they won't accept emails, so I bring it to my local medical centre. They say it's the wrong paperwork and give me different paperwork to fill out. I hand that to them.

A week later, I get a response and the signature/doctor's note I needed. I go home and get that sent off to my job, and attached to my government claim.

Four days later, HR at my job emails me to tell me it's the wrong paperwork, and that I needed a DIFFERENT type of paperwork, which they attached. I looked that form up on the government website and found out the form that HR attached was outdated to boot.

So I print off the updated version from the government website, and when I can, bring it back to the local medical centre. They won't take it because "we no longer do those types of forms" because "it's unnecessary and the paperwork you filled out before should suffice".

They still won't let me email it. Eventually I'm told to just bring it in on my surgery date, and have the surgeon sign it there. I tried, but was told he couldn't do that, and that I would have to mail the form in for him to sign.

Today, that's what I was asking - either can you get this form to the surgeon or give me an address I can mail it to?

Anyway, the nurse fills out the info she needs to fill out, and tells us to hang on while she goes to see what she can do with it. She comes back, tells me the MAs have a copy of the form, and will figure out what to do with it, and that I can go to the front desk on my way out to see if they want to fax it, or make another copy, or whatever.

So we do that, only to have the person at the front desk tell me that they won't touch the form, until I fill out two OTHER forms. These ones being ones that I have already filled out.

I keep trying to explain that I already filled those forms out, and I don't know why they aren't in my files, but they're definitely already completed. And it's getting me nowhere, basically. I kept getting more and more irritable until I finally just took the papers, said thanks, and left.

I was pretty pissed off most of the drive home because I am just. So tired. this shit makes very little sense to begin with, and neither the state nor my job is making it any easier to deal with. I shouldn't have to be stressing about this type of stuff for so long not only before but also after a serious surgery.

My care worker called when I got home, the one who helps with a lot of my current medical stuff. I explained to him what was going on and he told me that hopefully the MAs will get it taken care of. But if they havent in a week, to let him know, and he'll personally try and get everything settled.

He also said that he's never once seen the state deny paid medical leave for someone who undergoes this surgery - so I'm hoping that it was just denied due to this missing form, and that once I attach it and reopen the claim, I'll get approved, but only time will tell, I suppose.

So yeah. I'm not having a great day mentally - all the stress just makes me more anxious, and when I'm anxious, it raises the chances of a depressive episode, and it sucks. I'm trying to just distract myself and not think much at all about anything.

Other than that, nothing much has been happening. Pain levels and itchiness have been mostly the same, maybe a little better. I can't wait to take a shower tonight now that I got the go ahead. I've mostly been sitting around sleeping, watching videos, or playing video games lately and that consists of most of my time, though I'm trying to start reading the many books I had stockpiled for this recovery period. I might be buying The Forest to play with other people soon, and a very kind new friend offered to buy me Sea of Thieves so that might be an upcoming game as well.

Besides all that, I guess just resting and trying not to lose my mind or get too in my thoughts is what I'll be up to for now.

(Oh, and the gaggle of nurses in the room earlier absolutely adored my new button up shirt - I bought a couple in preparation for surgery since you can't easily lift your hands above your head - which is black with a variety of cocktails on it, and the ingredients/recipe for those cocktails.

I found it by accident while looking for a shirt similar to Ash Williams' in the "Ash Vs The Evil Dead' television show and thought it was fun. So far it's been a hit - one nurse observed that she didn't think the picture for an old fashioned was correct, but I'm pretty sure she was accidentally looking at a different cocktail. Another asked if I was a mixologist, and I said no, but I wish I was, and she was like, ah, so an amateur mixologist or mixologist in training, something like that. One of them was talking about wanting to try a Tom Collins though and couldn't remember the third ingredient, which was club soda. So maybe I am an amateur mixologist. Or I just remember ingredients for alcoholic beverages really well, lol.)

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

8/2 - 12:19PM

So the last few days have comprised of sleeping, itching, and in general just sitting around. I might be able to get my drains out earlier than planned - one day earlier anyway - and so that's good, especially since I think they're part of why I'm itching so much.

I also stopped taking my Oxycodone. I've been able to keep my pain managed with Tylenol and Celecoxib, and I heard somewhere that opiate-based medications often cause itching. I think mine has gotten a little less intense since stopping the oxy, so I'm assuming that's true.

It's only been a few days and I can already feel the toxic bullshit of capitalism seeping into my head. I've not gotten to a point where I need to take one of my anxiety meds yet but I'm getting close on and off - my brain is stressing out a lot about the fact we're just "sitting around being lazy" (even though we're recovering from a major surgery), and about the fact that I got denied paid medical leave; my job is still asking for paperwork that I have to physically mail out to someone for some reason, and I haven't been able to try and reapply for EBT cash benefits because I can't make it through the paperwork on my own.

All of that plus the fact I'm not working just makes me feel freaked out; I have to be working or I'm wasting my life or being more of a burden and blah blah blah.

I hate that we live in a world where because of capitalism and the bullshit wages/benefits most jobs give (or don't give), people are sometimes almost sick with anxiety over having to recover from invasive surgeries. It blows my mind.

A friend told me that a month and a few weeks isn't nearly long enough for most intensive surgeries and that I really should be taking it easy for a few months at least but there's no way I'm going to be able to. I could barely get the folks at my job to begrudgingly say they'd put me on 30 day leave if all else failed. Not even the full six weeks my doctor ordered, just thirty days. And all it really does is make sure I still have a position in that company after I get better - I don't get any financial aid with it, or any help at all really.

I'm not surprised I was denied. Trying to get assistance in this country is like trying to pull out an alligator's tooth. I'm just frustrated.

I'm sure I'll be fine, but I certainly can't spend months trying to recover. I definitely won't have a job after that if I do. Just another perk of living in this ridiculous country and another reason I'm trying so hard to figure out the process of immigrating to Canada.

Anyway so that's where I'm at; stressing about things out of my control, lol. Physically I'm feeling much the same. Itchy, a bit uncomfortable, achy.

I've been sleeping a lot, I think. It's hard to say because my schedule is all over the place but I'm pretty sure I've been sleeping much more lately. My mom is worried it means something is afoot, but I don't think it is. I think, obviously, I'm recovering from an invasive surgery - even if I'm not on the opiates anymore, that's still a huge deal; and I also suspect I have chronic fatigue.

That, and I think this is the first time in... months if not years that I've been able to just. Rest. I can sleep whenever I'm able for as long as I'm able without any stress. I don't have to meticulously calculate it so that I get "just enough" hours before I have to get up for work, or dread the alarm going off, or feel the pressure of needing to do everything in a single day because it's the only day off I have that week so I can't just rest.

I never realised how much of my sleep is just still inherently causing me actual stress because of the way the world works. It pisses me off. It really does.

But yeah. I'm not personally surprised I'm sleeping so much. I suppose I may as well make the most of it too before I have to go back to the fuckin circus of life where even my sleep is somehow stressful. Maybe I'll finally feel fully rested for once in the last multiple years if I sleep a lot while I'm on recovery leave, haha.

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

8/1 - 12:24AM - Not Much To Update On

The title says it. There isn't much different from last night's post. I can sum up my entire existence right now in four words - groggy, itchy, overheated, and cranky.

I knew that this was going to be an unbearably itchy experience, thanks to a few friends' warnings. It still doesn't prepare you for just how goddamn motherfuckin itchy it's really going to be. I would gladly thank someone that went at me with sandpaper at this point, I think. (Probably not but that's the level of discomfort I'm at with this itching right now.)

That's obviously not helping my crankiness, which is definitely not being helped by this goddamned heatwave. Seriously. Keep in mind that I live in an attic room - so heat rises and there's no AC. Usually, I beat the heat by sleeping on the floor in my brother's old room - but there's no way I can do that recovering from surgery so I have to make do with my own bedroom and the normal floor fan.

Outside of that, I'm just kinda drifting. I spent most of last night and the first part of today konked out asleep - not sure why but I was more alert for the afternoon and, as we reach midnight of the current day, still am as we speak.

the same insecurities are still there, and I'm finding myself worried that I'll hurt myself and not realise it somehow - the instructions/rules aren't super clear in many of the papers I was given by the surgeon. I'm "not supposed to lift anything heavier than a paperback novel", but like. My copy of "IT" by Stephen King is a considerably differently sized paperback in comparison to my copy of "The Future" poetry by Neil Hilborn. What's the meaning here?

Plus, it says I can reach up above my head slowly but... how slowly? These are important questions for my paranoia, okay.

So that's where I'm at. It's hard to figure out what is pain and discomfort from the drains, and what is pain and discomfort from the actual wounds, and what I should and shouldn't be doing. So that results in me just stiffly sitting/standing and trying not to do much of anything unless I have to which probably isn't good either, lol.

I'll ask more detailed questions when I go in for my post-op and go from there, probably. We'll figure it out!

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

7/30 - 8:23PM - Conflicting Thoughts

Content warning: if you're sensitive when it comes to the subject of weight loss/desired weight loss/poor body image, either stop reading now or continue with much caution.

~*~

I'm doing well all things considered: the most discomfort and pain I'm feeling physically are from my damn drains, but there isn't much coming through them so if that keeps up and the amount of fluid remains low, I might be able to go in early to get them taken out so that's good.

Mentally, I'm all over the place when I'm not asleep or totally distracted, lol.

For the most part: I'm happy I finally got the surgery. I really am. I've been waiting six years or more for this and to finally have it happen, it's really great.

But I also am still almost... afraid to look at my results? It's part of why I haven't taken the compression binder off yet - that and I'm just plain afraid to because the paperwork said I have to keep it on as much as humanly possible lol.

I've seen so many different result photos for the different types of chest surgery, and like... the results I like best are always the ones from different types than the one I had. Obviously there is nothing I can do about that but it's still stressing me out more than it should. It probably doesn't help that I've been trying to look up photos of what my scars might look like but since it's hard to filter for specific types of surgery style, I keep seeing pictures of guys who are much smaller than me/have the body type I want/were able to get surgeries that wouldn't have much scarring and I'll just be upfront, it makes me really jealous and then I get pissed off that I'm jealous, and then I feel bad about the whole thing, and it's a mess lol. It sucks.

Part of me is excited to be able to wander around shirtless as soon as I've recovered for the most part, but I also know that I won't actually be excited when it comes down to it, or at least I won't be able to get over my insecurity enough to do so when it comes down to it because of my weight.

And the cruelly ironic thing about my chest being flatter now is that it's made me even more hyperaware of everything else I hate about my body even now, and I haven't even taken the compression binder off yet. Granted, I know some of it is probably just bloating and general Bleh from all the medications and the healing and such but still.

So there's that, but it also makes me worry I won't be happy with my results once the bandages and everything come off. I know there's gonna be scars and I'm gonna try my hardest with scar care to make sure it all heals as invisibly as possible but I also hear so many horror stories - dog ears, nipples that are too low or too odd looking, puckered scarring, etc. - and I worry that I'll end up with some or more of that stuff.

A lot of worry I can't do anything about right now though and I need to try and let go. I'm working on it.

The insecurity stuff though... I dunno. I'm already down fifty pounds luckily from like... middle of last year I wanna say. But of course, the stomach is the last place fat leaves, so while I've managed to start fitting into smaller jeans, there's been no real change in the place I'm really hoping to see change and it's frustrating, and it's going to be even moreso now I think because now that I have a flat chest, the protrusion of my stomach is going to be even more noticeable.

I'm well aware that this isn't anything I should care about, and fully aware of the internalised fatphobia that probably contributes to this, but at the same time, it's also a bunch of emotions that I'm incapable of changing at the moment. In addition to that, I have other reasons for wanting to shed weight - having juvenile arthritis, extra weight is extremely painful for my joints and my bad knees to deal with, and I want to be able to actually do more than walk up a few flights of stairs before I get out of breath. I wanna get into shape.

My mom said I might be more likely to get into a proper workout routine once I heal up and she's probably right - my insecurities before surgery were a huge reason I didn't work out, because I was too terrified of anyone seeing me, so I didn't go out or to the gym, and I didn't want to be seen even by my family really.

I dunno. It's harder than I thought it would be. I knew that this in and of itself wouldn't solve all my problems, that's absurd, but I figured I ought to at least... I don't know. Get the feelings out.

The photo I shared out of surgery (on my social media; I didn't post it here since I had posted the video already), I never would have shared if I hadn't been hopped up on pain meds and the remnants of anaesthesia and I cracked a joke about that on Snapchat and Facebook.

Objectively there is nothing wrong with that photo. Except for my face which I have problems with lol. But also - my stomach. I never, ever, show my stomach in photos if I can help it and had a moment of outright panic where I almost deleted it - but I would have lost all the kind words folks commented if I had, so I didn't, but leaving it up still puts a bad taste in my mouth.

It sucks but here's hoping things stabilise or even out, I guess, emotion-wise. I dunno. About the actual surgery, there's no (perceived) regrets really, which is good. My biggest thing is worrying that sensation/feeling won't come back. And because I'm bigger and couldn't get one of the less invasive surgeries like smaller folks can get, the fact of the matter is, it's very unlikely I'll get the feeling back according to most people I've talked to. Ultimately, I'll take the trade off but it's still a bit of a bummer.

Other than that though, no negative thoughts about the surgery itself, just the things about me that it's made me aware of. That and the general anger and bitterness I have toward my... lot in life if that makes sense? That I've been feeling a lot lately.

I'm well aware that I am so very lucky to have gotten this surgery. I know that. But for the last few months, I've been so angry all the time about how I - and everyone else in my situation - have to fight so much harder just to grasp at things that other people just get simply by being born. So even though I know I'm lucky to have this surgery, I'm somehow also just... really pissed off I had to get it at all, if that makes sense?

I don't know, most of this is disjointed and probably doesn't make sense lol. I figured, if I'm gonna do this whole journal thing, I should be open and as vulnerable as I'm able to be in case other people come across it because I know one thing I wished I had had at my disposal while planning this surgery was full-view knowledge of it. Not just the basics, but the shit people dealt with in the days after, how they were feeling, what conflict they inevitably faced, because this is a big thing, there is almost always going to be shit like that but it's rare for people to talk about it.

But yeah. I think I pretty much got out most of what I'm stressing about in as concise a manner as I'm able. The rest would just be ranting now, I think.

I don't have a good way to end this. Um.

If you haven't watched Strvnger Th1ngs, you should. This season was insane. Yeah.

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

7/29 - 3:37PM - Settled In At Home Now

Well, I am alive.

So here's how the day went. I woke up at about 4:30 and took a shower, then used the antiseptic cloth things the surgeon requested I use. No breakfast, just some water and me running around like a maniac trying to finish setting up my room and packing my bag to bring to the hospital.

me and Lucy left a bit later than we had intended, but we still got there on time. i checked in, answered questions and filled out paperwork. i wasn't waiting long before i got taken back. well, first i was trying to hand the nurse some papers i needed to give her and promptly dropped all of the rest of the papers, lol.

"Are you nervouuus?" was her teasing response and I was like... yeah, probably lol but also it's only a little past 6AM and i am not used to this early of a rise lol

Anyway. All the usual stuff was done, the vital checking, hooking up the IV, etc. I didn't have much time in between people coming in so ironically several items I brought to stay busy were useless, lol. Better safe than sorry though I suppose.

Everyone was very sweet and kind. The lady who put in my IV was very patient and talked me through it since historically needles make me panic. (I ran out of the doctor's office once at 16 when I needed to get blood drawn and my mom had to chase me into the parking lot.)

I ended up meeting more or less everyone who was gonna be in the operating room, and got taken back way sooner than I expected. I was super anxious even though they had given me something to try and calm me down a bit, but probably less anxious than if I hadn't.

So the anaesthesia group is transferring me from the hospital bed thing to the operating table and trying to distract me with questions. It went something like this:

"So where would you wanna go on a vacation more? Beach or mountains?"

"Mountains."

"I knew it, I could tell."

"Haha."

⚫ ⚫ ⚫ ⚫ ⚫ ⚫

Assume those black circles are me immediately being hit in the head with a metaphorical baseball bat because I literally have zero memory of anything else. I konked out, lol.

So anyway, I woke up later on feeling more or less fine outside of very minor pain. I tried to record a video but folks kept coming in to check on me; I posted what I managed to get anyway though and I'll share it at the end here lol.

A few more folks checked on me, my mom and Lucy were notified, etc. I was given some reminders and instructions as well, and then I was wheeled outside to where the car was. I was still feeling more or less okay on the drive home but it was definitely uncomfortable; I'm glad I brought a squishmallow and a few pillows (one for my neck) to put between me and the seatbelt.

I tried to hold some vague conversation and respond to a few texts but for reference, a sentence about eleven words long took me about twenty minutes because I kept nodding off so I just gave up and let myself doze, lmao.

I was able to come inside with little to no help, feeling very dizzy as i did so but not enough to eat dirt apparently. Then my mom helped me upstairs to the recliner, which is where I'm at now.

She told me to call her if I need anything, anything at all, but I have yet to do that because I'm somehow still incredibly insecure and self conscious and feeling like a burden and annoying and what have you. Wouldn't be my brain without anxiety, I suppose.

She checked on me a few times though and brought me some of the stuff I needed. The painkillers wore off and I had to take another pill. It's helping a little, but not fixing things fully; I hope it kicks in a bit stronger soon for sure. If not, it's manageable pain at least.

Anyway yeah. I'll prolly go take a nap or something now - but here's that update folks asked for, as well as that dumb video lol:

Waking Up From Surgery

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

7/28 - 9:42PM - The Night Before Surgery

So everyone probably knows by now that I'm getting surgery tomorrow. That's why this blog exists now, lol; I've had a few people ask for updates periodically and I thought, you know, I struggle to message more than two people back a day as it is, maybe I'd better find a place where I can just put it all at once.

All I could think of was a blog so here we are.

I'm supposed to be up at 4:30AM so I really should be sleeping but I still have stuff to do and anyway, I'll be sleeping like the dead for a solid four to five hours tomorrow anyhow so like... eh.

How am I feeling? Excited, sure, but mostly I'm just nervous and anxious. It's not a surprise, I stress out about everything ever, the joys of having generalised anxiety disorder. Will the results turn out okay? Will the surgery itself go okay? Will I get there on time? What if I screw something up? What if I forget something I'm supposed to bring tomorrow? And on.

I'm trying to just remind myself that what happens, happens. I've done everything I'm able to do so what good is it to just sit here freaking out? None.

Anyway. Here's the gist of what's going on tomorrow, I guess:

I have to check in by 6AM, so I'm waking up at 4:30AM so that I have enough time to shower and everything. Hopefully, departure time will be about 5AM. (Many thanks to my friend Lucy who is visiting, and also being my chauffeur for this venture.)

We have to go to Bellevue, which is why the departure is so early; it's a 40 minute drive usually, and according to my mother, that timeframe has traffic typically because of everyone heading off to work so.

Then, it's likely I'll be sitting around in the pre-op room for hours before actual surgery. The surgery itself takes roughly four hours according to the care team, and then whatever time it takes for wake-up, recovery, etc. I'm roughly guesstimating that I'll be there for around eight hours total.

I wanted to get a video of myself when I wake up because according to multiple friends who asked me to, folks say weird shit when they wake up from anaesthesia. Unfortunately, thanks to Covid, I'm not allowed to have anyone in the pre- or post-op rooms except the medical team. I'm pretty bummed about it, but cest la vie, I guess.

I'm gonna write "PHONE" on my hand in big letters if permissible so that it hopefully reminds me to record myself on my personal phone, which the nurse said I am allowed to do but we'll see.

But yeah. I'm currently trying to gather a stockpile of songs and podcasts on Spotify (why won't Spotify give me more organisation power), shows on Netflix (same with Netflix) and other TV streaming sites, and games I can play on my phone to keep me occupied both in the hours before surgery and after while I'm at home recovering. Suggestions are always welcome.

So are any other words of wisdom or encouragement or whatever - I'm probably going to be even more nervous come the morning and I may very well be asking people to talk me up then anyway lol.

And keep an eye out here for updates, I guess! All the talk about anxiety aside, I am also still pretty excited.