whiskeypr-incess

[whiskeypr-incess]

i came to vent again and essentially reached the same conclusions that I did last time - sleeping on the couch does make it better, grinding every day during these 5 months will make it easier to leave, making sure youre nourished will help you grind. the apartment flooding was a rough one but just really cementing that like, you can't be happy here. moving to toronto has become a sort of "but what if I stayed..." moment and like a) I can't afford that, it doesn't matter if I find a job or not, I can't do that and b) every day here is torture now. why would i want to stay.

so as usual heres the plan: we stick to the daily, weekly, monthly, 5-year plan. we have ONLY sundays and mondays be good days (where you watch your girlies) and every single other day is a grind, a slog, and claw your way out of this pit in the name of self-betterment.your house is going to be being renovated, your schoolwork is getting done so far in advance, your ERP is being done fastidiously and well, you are sticking to the PLAN and not the MOOD.

then you get back to toronto. the reason you're like "i cant go" is because youre afraid you'll get stuck there, but that is also impossible: its too much money and seeing john that much without having the excuse to not is insufferable. so youll go for one year, and if its any indicator of these last two years it will fly by. you'll have enough money to rent again (buying would be nice but like, lets stick with a more realistic plan), but also because you're living at home with no expenses or lease you can take your time to truly find the best apartment. maybe rent control will become a thing too that would be nice. and over the course of this year in toronto you've continued to grind it out, so you're ready to move again after getting in some good parent time so youre ready for them to like, die, i guess. not that youll ever be ready but youll feel less... guilty? about it? idk.

gonna be real, nick probably never coming back into your life. which in the back of your mind you know, as you knew with all your exes, but this time the get back together delusion doesnt really help. but you come back to montreal, monthly standing cocktail party happens again, you live a comfortable adult life with if not completely eradicated at least reduced emetophobia. at this time I can't envision love being a part of it, but wouldn't that also be a great way to spite them? them getting married and watching you mourn the one that got away and knowing that they were wrong and he did mean as much to you as you kept saying? holy shit i've identified it!!! it's the anger at not being believed/trusted to have a deep vested emotion in him!!! thank god I've been wrestling with what the fuck caused this animosity for months.

ok anyway this too is a form of procrastination, though a good one to be fair. but now you will trust the plan, not the mood, and go do yoga, and get ready, and then tbh probably rearrange the schedule so that you're making chili and doing classwork (since its remote due to the snow). planning is my greatest joy and brings me so much soothing. i love to plan and i shall STICK TO IT.

[whiskeypr-incess]

lol remember how we wished it was a normal break up because that would be easier? turns out its not! finding his updated hinge profile is actually worse. it ruins the five year get back together plan.

except it doesn't. part of the 5 year get back together plan is you both have to date. it's part of the rules. you can still use this fallacy to not literally drown.

what even is this grief? like, did you want his hinge to be untouched? yeah actually i definitely did i wanted him to be mourning just as much as i was but like, its starting to become more and more apparent that he was just done with you and needed an out to be like time to break up (regular) without seeming like an asshole.

which like, i get, he fully thought i was going to go scorched earth i guess. i tried to get him to give me something to dislike, though, and he wouldn't, so i chose to believe he was also sad. and to be fair he probably was at least a little, because i am valuable and lovable. but he just wasnt as sad as i need him to be to fit into this plan.

oh, and its also definitely that rachel and cassas hatred is emerging more that complicates things too. tbh cassas is even lessening it seems (or at least shes better at hiding it) but rachels is intensifying and like, if i want to keep caro and all of my uni friends i have to also keep her and it seems like keeping her means trying to get on board with her hatred - or at least definitely never getting back together.

god, im so busy all the time and still have so much to do. i thought i was unhappy before but had no idea how much worse it could get. and that is always true, so remember to feel happy during wrestling, and cocktail night, and maybe even during class because this is probably your last formal education experience. oh god now im crying over more things than when i started.

if im being real i think its this lifestyle change i hate the most. i come home from school/plans and walk further than i would have if i was going to his place. i dont have time to relax because my dishwasher doesnt work so im alwasy doing dishes. i have to cook my own food and cant freeze it because the freezer doesnt work. i have to get a job because i have to pay for my own heating and groceries. i wake up in the darkness because i only have one window. i get scared of noises in the night and theres no one there to turn to to get a good sleep. i dont watch tv shows because im constantly trying to improve my house or get schoolwork done or get a job. i dont play bg3 because i dont have a keyboard. i dont have a balcony for fresh air. i dont have a soft black blanket. i dont have a comfortable mattress. i dont have a shower with good water pressure. the fridge is loud and so are my neighbours. i have to touch so many surfaces day to day.

food and sleep are actually the worst ones on this list, so this entry was actually helpful. starting to sleep on the couch should vastly improve your daily routine, which will in turn improve your life. you don't need to feel happy, that's not a requirement, but you need to survive it a little easier. once you move home in now 5 months you'll get a breather on this "every moment of every day is busy and demanding" and in fact, every moment of every day being busy and demanding will make that time come faster. you'll be ok.

[whiskeypr-incess]

i don't really have a place to put this since i have at least a few followers on all the other blogs so its going to go on this one underwhich i dont think ive made any posts that got notes, so we should be clear.

i just really only want him back, if im being honest. like, i know the kids thing would come up, but im kinda convinced hed going to realize he doesnt want them in the end and then this will have all been for nought. it's just, like, this would have been so much easier if it was a regular break up, you know? if he had just been like i dont like you anymore bye.

and maybe it was that, i feel we'd grown a bit complacent in how we showed being in love, but i very much did love him. past tense, interesting, that was not intentional. this is where the very teen-esque worrying comes in, like oh what if i had just been more engaging, more interesting, would this still have happened - listen you gotta just get on board with the fact that people enjoy being around you it has to be for a reason. sarah and kc are both trying to hang out with you like repeatedly you can't be that unpleasant to be around.

anyway. i could take two pathes with this, once of which is the be sad and feel it out and deal with it method, being very honest in therapy, being honest with friends even (holy fuck no that will never be an option here) because truly believing you will never be happy again admits your life is forfeit. right? since you will never again see personal happiness, it is up to you to go into nursing, take up vows of destitution, entirely live your life for others, right?

and see how that provokes such dread. somewhere in you you know you will be happy again otherwise you would do this. so use that logical fallacy and ride it till the cows come home - if you were never going to be happy again, you would have to become a nurse. and youre not fucking doing that.

however the other path is to admit that yes you will be happy again because the five year get back together plan is happening. and that just seems so much easier. i can find the motivation to get my life back together for me still, since in 5 years i'll be happy again and i want to mximize that. see it works so nicely. i need to heal and save money now because in 5 years we can pick up right where we left off.

damn its funny at the time i was like wow this phobia is making me so miserable i miss being happy. and now im like damn i was actually happy every day turns out it can get worse. it can literally always be worse please remember to be grateful for the happiness you have right now!!! your apartment is great montreal is great your studies are great. these are all things to be happy about in your life and when it i guess inevitably gets worse you will lament not enjoying it.

this was supposed to help and it didnt really so i'm going to go back to readings but this willbe my new journalling blog because the others are Too Visible.