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Season 3 episode 8

Diana: And the rest of you? Are you all prepared to lie?

Bruce, Dick, Tim, Barbara, Kaldur’ahm and M’gann:

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“I want to drive, Grayson.”

“Jeez, what are you thinking about? You’re only 14!”

“Let him drive, Dickie. If anyone pass by I can tell them this is a self-driving car.”

“I hate you,Todd.”

Tim:zzzzzzzZZZZ

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On some real shit, I do not fuck with people who ride those boat things at the carnival. People who get on those do not give a fuck about life, they don’t care about you, ya mama or your kids. They literally have nothing to lose. You don’t care about life so there’s no need for me to fight you because you’re not going to give a damn about my face. 

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Hi! 😊 I was wondering if you have any Tim and Damian headcanons? (Batbro stuff??)

They both try to put cameras on each other. It’s evolved into a full-on surveillance war: cameras in bedrooms, in safe houses, in the hallways of the manor. It’s gotten to the point where Bruce had to step in because dammit guys it is NOT appropriate to hide spyware behind the eyes of the family portraits those are our ancestors.

Damian uses Tim as his standard for “normal speech,” so anything that Tim says frequently tends to enter Damian’s vocabulary after a couple of weeks. This includes memes and other internet culture. The problem is, Tim caught on a while back– now he and Jason intentionally use made-up words/ridiculously outdated slang because they know he’ll think it’s legit. He’s been burned before. Drake and Todd will pay.

There is a designated Tim-and-Damian-are-fighting-again sparring room in the cave. The walls are padded. There are no weapons allowed. It sees a lot of use.

Nobody else calls Tim by his last name, so he didn’t hear it while Damian was dead. The first time Damian yelled “DRAKE” at him after he came back, Tim cried a little bit. It’s just… really good to have Damian home, you know? Even if he is damn annoying.

Damian takes it upon himself to make sure Tim takes care of his own health. When he doesn’t, Damian interferes. A fic on the subject.

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can I ask for platonic jay and tim headcanons?? or platonic tim and dick headcanons?? I adore your headcanons :)

Jason and Tim are here, so let’s go with Dick and Tim.

Watching Dick’s parents die was traumatic for Tim– he used to have nightmares about falling endlessly, and they didn’t go away until after he became Robin. He didn’t understand how Dick could continue to be the way that he is… until he went jumping with the fam for the first time, and then it all made sense. 

During one of the later stages of Tim’s training, Dick was allowed to surprise attack him, to improve his reaction time. It made Tim real jumpy for a couple of weeks, and he still flinches whenever there’s small sounds from above. Constant vigilance, Timmy, constant vigilance. 

The two of them keep tallies of how many times Damian says the word “imbecile” and Bruce says the word “justice.” Current numbers are 201 and 1,456 respectively. They’re betting on which will come first– Damian breaking one thousand, or Damian breaking one of Tim’s limbs– because Tim keeps provoking him to make him say “imbecile.”

They text back and forth all day– it’s the kind of message that has to be deleted every few weeks, or else it takes up all the space on their phones. There’s a joke in the Wayne household: Want to know what one of them is doing? Ask the other. They both hate emojis, so they started using them as a joke a while back. Now they can’t stop, and it’s getting excessive.

Tim visits Dick’s grave every Tuesday. He’s not exactly sure why, except he’s got this feeling– there’s something he doesn’t know. But he’s going to find out, mark his words.

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Jason and tim headcanons? (platonic obvs. and boy is that an interesting platonic relationship)

Real talk: there was a time when Jason was an honest threat to Tim’s life. During that period, Tim started monitoring Jason’s activities– heavy-duty surveillance at all times– and he never did stop. Tim always knows where Jason is. Little brother is watching. And he’s gonna make sure you don’t actually do that stupid thing you’re planning because dammit, Jason, you’re gonna get yourself killed! Again!

Jason likes to break into Tim’s apartment. No specific reason, really, he just wants to prove he can. Tim updates his security every time it happens, but that hasn’t stopped him yet. The only problem is that Tim’s schedule is really irregular– sometimes it’s a couple of hours before he comes home, and Jason doesn’t really have anything to do while he waits. He ends up cleaning, usually, because Tim is a slob and Jason likes things to be neat. 

In the beginning, Jason really did resent Tim, not for replacing him exactly, but for proving that Jason didn’t matter. Jason grew up thinking that his life had very little value– he was a nobody with no potential and no legacy– until Bruce took him in. Then he was part of a family. He had a purpose. He made an impact… until he came back to life and found that everything was exactly the same. His death hadn’t meant anything: Gotham was still a trash pit, the Joker was still alive, and there was another kid wearing his cape. 

But then he learned Tim’s motivations. Jason was the reason Tim approached Batman in the first place– he recognized that without Jason, Bruce was falling apart. He valued Jason’s role so much that he was willing to take it himself. Tim is the proof that Jason mattered; he’s the validation Jason’s been looking for his entire life. 

So Jason is very protective of Tim. Like no, you will NOT touch the child. If you do, you will pay for it with your life. And Tim knows that. It doesn’t really matter what Jason does– to Tim, he’s always gonna be a hero.

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dick Grayson and Jason Todd headcanons?!

It’s complicated. Dick can’t quite shake that feeling of betrayal– from the first moment he found out that there was another Robin, he’s been trying to forget about being replaced. He knows it’s not Jason’s fault. It’s more a part of his relationship with Bruce than anything else, but sometimes he sees Jason and… it’s old pain, but it surfaces. It’s like part of himself is being torn away– the part that’s Dick Grayson and not Robin. Turns out, Robin is totally interchangeable. 

And for Jason, Dick is an unattainable standard. Those two practically pioneered the phrase “a hard act to follow.” As a child, Jason felt like he had to be better than Dick, because that was the only way he could make Bruce proud. Now, he tells himself that he doesn’t care, but he can’t stop comparing himself to his older brother. It always seems like Dick has everything– he’s universally loved, and he makes living look easy. Meanwhile Jason is, as usual, a failure.

Dick felt responsible for Jason’s death. Maybe if he hadn’t been so busy ignoring Bruce, he would have been able to help. 

Dick texts Jason a lot. It’s mostly family updates that he thinks Jay should know about, but sometimes it’s other things: stories from home, complaints about the younger kids, pictures of the fam. Jason hardly ever responds, but he keeps his read receipts on– Dick knows he sees the messages, usually within the first thirty seconds.

Jason has a lil bit of an accent. It’s that inner-city Gotham vibe, and you can’t usually hear it– maybe a phrase or two every one in a while, but that’s all. It really comes out when he’s around Dick, though– there’s just something about his presence that triggers the change. Woe upon anyone that mentions it. Jason doesn’t think it’s funny.

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any roy and jason headcanons? or maybe just outlaw headcanons? ur so good at these

Roy has an alliance with Tim to keep Jason out of trouble. Their combined technological power is frankly terrifying– they see all, know all. Jason is fully aware of their agreement, but he can’t do anything to stop them.

Even by vigilante standards, Roy does not sleep. The man gets something like an hour of rest every night, then spends the remaining time working on his projects. It wouldn’t be a problem, but his projects are kind of loud. Mild explosions in the early hours of the morning are not at all uncommon– and when Roy finally finishes something, he likes to go show it off. Early in the morning. When Jason is trying to sleep. It’s gotten to the point where Jason has a sign on his door: If you wake me up, and the world is not ending, I will end you.

They like to one-up each other with “my billionaire ex-mentor did ____” stories. Generally, Jason wins, but they both have some truly amazing anecdotes. These sessions can go on for hours.

Their relationship has some nice balance to it. They’re both coming from a similar place– abandonment, isolation, guilt– but they have opposite reactions to their situation. Roy copes by being resolutely cheerful. Jason lets all his anger out. By taking care of each other, they help themselves move on.

Roy has a thing about movie quotes. The Princess Bride is one of his favorites, and there’s one line he really like to throw around: “It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead.” Jason is really very, very tired of the reference like he swears to god, Roy, it’s not that funny.

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dick and damian headcannons?

Damian doesn’t have a middle name. When somebody wants to yell at him, they insert one at random, which Damian hates. There has only been one time when he didn’t object– when Stephanie screamed “DAMIAN RICHARD WAYNE” at him from an upstairs window. The name stuck. If he ever gets official documents, that’s what they’re going to say.

While they were living at Wayne Tower, Dick showed Damian his own secret path to the roof. Whenever Damian disappears from the manor (usually after a fight with Bruce), Dick finds him there, talks him around, and takes him home. They like to watch the sunrise from that rooftop, especially during Autumn. 

Dick does a lot of singing. Since Damian doesn’t have much exposure to Western music, most of the time when Dick sings, it’s the first time Damian’s heard the song. After that, he only wants to hear it in Dick’s voice. Sometimes he steals recordings from the security system– Dick doesn’t know he does it. 

The best part of their relationship is that Dick doesn’t generally tell Damian what to do. He gives orders, sure, but he never tells Damian to change himself. Damian decides to do it on his own, because he wants to be like Dick. Dick is his example.

BUT Dick isn’t here right now, is he? He’s fake-dead. Damian’s all on his lonesome, and pretty soon, he’s going to discover that Dick lied to him. Dick left him. What will that do to his tiny little soul? CRUSH IT. You tell me.

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Do you have any headcanons about when the Batkids get sick?

It takes a lot to get Dick to admit he’s sick (no he’s fine he can totally still work) but after he does, he has specific cravings. Sprite and saltine crackers– it’s what his mom used to give him. Supposedly, they settle your stomach. Nobody’s really sure about the science behind that one, but Wayne Manor stocks them both.

Jason’s used to handling it by himself. He actually has the best immune system in the family #pitperks so he hardly ever catches anything serious. When he does get sick, he sleeps a lot. He also likes to have warm things, like soups or tea. He doesn’t want people hovering around him when he’s ill. It makes him edgy. Go away.

Cass just… doesn’t display discomfort? Ever? Unless she starts coughing, you’re not gonna know anything is wrong. It is kinda funny when that happens though– it’s the only time you can hear her coming, and it throws her off. She likes cough drops, but only the lemon kind. The cherry flavor is disgusting. 

Tim doesn’t have a spleen, which means that when he gets sick, it’s kind of a big deal. People freak out, so he tries to keep it quiet. He doesn’t tell any of his family members, because if he does, they show up at his apartment. Which is annoying because you know what he doesn’t need to be doing when he’s sick? Replacing his security system. Stop breaking into his stuff. He also takes a LOT of ibuprofen. He buys the family-sized bottles and keeps a stash in his utility belt. 

Damian, on the other hand, does not like to take pills. It’s not like he can’t swallow them, because he can. (Pro tip: don’t offer to mash the pills into honey for him. Tim tried that once. Didn’t end well.) He just won’t do it unless somebody gives him a direct order. He’s a little kid, so he gets fevers every once in a while– then he gets cold and retreats under an entire pile of blankets. Do not comment. Back away slowly. Live to fight another day.

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I was looking through your head cannons(love them btw) and I was wondering do you have any Batfam cooking head cannons? (If you've already done this can you give me a link to it?)

Bruce cannot cook. He cannot. He’s never really had to, and anyway, he lives in Gotham City– whenever he needs food, he can just order it. If he does eat unsupervised meals, they’re composed entirely of raw materials. There will not be a repeat of the great crockpot escapade of ‘95.

Dick, on the other hand, can cook fairly well. He’s been living on his own for awhile, and he doesn’t always have money to throw around; he had to learn how to feed himself. His cooking style could best be described as “low effort, low funds.” Most of his signature dishes involve pasta. He rocks that refrigerator leftovers lifestyle, but he has good nutrition, so it all works out.

Jason took an active interest in cooking when he was living at the manor, so he knows his way around a kitchen. He doesn’t cook that often, because most of the dishes Alfred taught him were typical rich people fare, and he ain’t got the time for pan fried quail with breadcrumbs most days. If you do get him to cook though, prepare to be impressed. It’s gonna be good. 

Tim hasn’t progressed beyond ten minute meals yet. He can make a mean grilled cheese, but that’s about as put together as you’re gonna get from him– other dishes include omelets and various sandwiches. He likes frozen meals. It cuts down on his prep time. There’s usually around a dozen of those packages overflowing from his trashcans. 

Cass is… trying. That’s probably the best way to put it, because she’s not great at cooking yet. Alfred’s trying to teach her (see here), but it’s not really working out. She’s had some small success with baking, however– she recently learned how to make chocolate pies. Progress, man. That’s progress. 

And the jury’s still out on Damian. He’d tell you that he can cook, because he has a lot of technical knowledge on how one goes about preparing dishes, but the thing is, he’s never tried. Like Bruce, he’s never had to– unless you count sticking pop-tarts in the toaster, his practical knowledge is at zero. Who know what horrors await us? Will the acorn emulate the tree? He hasn’t been banned from the kitchen yet (cough Bruce cough), so that’s a step in the right direction.

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Can I ask if you've got any headcanons about the Batfam's self pampering habits? Fancy tea/hot bath/Netflix?

All of them are super into long, hot showers. It’s almost a problem, because Wayne Manor is an old house, and the water heater works well… but not that well. Sometimes, you find one or more of the children outside the bathroom, banging on the door for their sibling to hurry it the hell up– unless it’s Cass that’s inside. Nobody yells at Cass. That wouldn’t be wise.

There’s an entire shelf of the pantry that contains only junk food. it’s at the very bottom so that Bruce doesn’t notice. He wouldn’t approve if he knew.

Tim has a problem with Netflix. On his days off, he casually starts to catch up on his shows, but then before he knows it, the sun’s coming up, and he hasn’t slept. Alfred changes the password biweekly to try to lock him out– it doesn’t work that well. Alfred is furious.

Caffeine. So, so much of it. The batfamily is collectively floating no less than seven 24 hour coffee shops. Those things keep popping up around the city, because they do such good business. Jason especially likes to hit them up… his pumpkin spice latte intake is frankly embarrassing. Please do not tell Damian. 

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Any headcanons for Robin!Jason?

Cheap. So, so cheap. He’s never had money before, and watching Bruce spend so(!) much of it makes him uncomfortable. Rich people, man. How do they do that? He can’t spend over $20 without feeling nervous.

He ends up wearing a lot of hand-me-downs: mostly Dick’s but some of Bruce’s too. He doesn’t mind at all. They’re perfectly good clothes, and it makes him feel like he belongs. If they’re giving him the family’s clothing, he must be family too.

He spends a lot of time with Alfred. He likes to help out around the house, and Alfred teaches him tons of useful skills, like how to clean and garden and (most importantly) how to cook. He’s much better at cooking than you would expect.

They usually talk about the books Jason’s reading at school. The other kids think that classics are boring, but Jason really likes them. He loves symbolism. His favorite part of the book is when you get the last piece of information, and suddenly all the exposition makes sense. Jason lives for a well thought out plot line. He wishes his life made that kind of sense.

He’s trying his best. Sometimes it’s hard, because he doesn’t know what they want from him. They have to want something, right? That’s how it’s always worked before. But this feels different, and he doesn’t know how– he just knows it feels good.

A fic you might enjoy

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Any Jason Todd headcannons?

He has a very good memory– especially when it comes to things with rhyme or meter, like poetry or song lyrics. He knows every song that comes on the radio, and even if he doesn’t like them, he sings them to annoy the others. Of course, remembering everything backfires on him sometimes, because he’s got a lot of stuff he wants to forget. 

He’s an absolute neat freak. He likes things to be clean. He likes straight lines. Corners make him happy. Thank God that Alfred taught him how to get blood out of his fabrics because believe him, that is a daily struggle.

He doesn’t mind heights, but he does like to have the ground under his feet. He doesn’t like the sensation of hanging– either in the air or underwater. The concept of nothingness underneath him makes him nervous.

He talks with his hands. Lots of gestures, all the way up to his shoulders. He likes to explain things, so sometimes he paces back and forth for hours, telling stories and waving his arms around. He covers his mouth with his hand when he laughs. 

He does a lot of his laundry at the Manor, because Roy keeps stealing bits of their washing machine to use as spare parts. Only Alfred knows about this. Jason likes doing his laundry– it’s warm, and he finds folding things therapeutic. 

BUT he also uses the opportunity to mess with his siblings, usually by switching items between Tim and Damian’s piles. That way, they have to go to each others’ rooms to find their own clothing. They’re always fighting about it, and Jason thinks it’s hilarious.

[damian]  [tim]  [dick]  [cass]  [steph]  [babs]

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Alfred headcanons?

He has a “secret alliance” with every member of the batfamily, where they exchange information about the others. Every individual thinks they are the only one that Alfred talks to, but nope, it’s all of them– which means that Alfred pretty much knows everything. He’s the master of all information and resources.

He doesn’t really agree with the no killing rule. He was a soldier. He understands that sometimes it’s them or you, and since he values the lives of his children more than anybody else’s, well… He encourages Bruce because he wants him to have a moral system to fall back on, but it’s not his personal belief.

The top drawer of his dresser is filled with things that the kids have given him. Some of them are formal presents– Birthdays, Father’s Day– but there’s also report cards and dried flowers and grocery requests. Most recently, there’s the drawings Damian throws away in the garbage can outside of Alfred’s door. He knows Alfred will take them out and save them.

He lines the top of his closet with photographs of his kids– each child has a row of pictures, like a timeline of their growth. Jason’s short row used to depress him, so now he takes twice as many pictures of Jay as he does of the others. 

He dry-cleans his butler uniform, but he always has a pile of casual wear in the Wayne laundry room. Where does he wear those things? Nobody knows. They only ever see him in his suits. It’s the great mystery of the manor.

He is the honorary father of not only Bruce, but also the entire Justice League. Most of them don’t have parents, and Alfred’s always there. They  all send him Christmas presents. He hangs hand-made stockings for them in the second living room, where they have their JLA parties.

[dick]  [jason]  [tim]  [damian]  [cass]  [steph]  [family edition]

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Consider: Jason hides food. It’s a holdover habit from when he was little, and it really threw Bruce for a loop when Jason first showed up because 

Jason always has food on his person

He’s perfectly willing to share. Every time Bruce says he’s hungry, Jason starts pulling fruit snack packages out of his shoes and ???? They are at a gala?? Food is provided??

Why are there slim jims taped to the supply closet walls

Didn’t Alfred just buy potato chips

The potato chips are in the laundry hamper

Okay

Alfred and Bruce find food hidden around the manor for years after Jason died, and it’s not fun for anyone involved

But! Jason’s back now, and the chaos continues because he’s still doing it, he still hides food

Anywhere he frequents, including places that don’t belong to him

Jason: [pulls an entire bag of kitkats from underneath a chair]

Tim, owner of the chair and surrounding property: what

Because Jason still remembers where he hid snacks in his youth, he has the magically ability to pull five-year-old packages of crackers out of the manor floors

Sometimes his siblings actively search for stashes– they know they exist– but they rarely find anything on purpose. More frequently, hidden food turns up by accident 

“I’m going to assume the package of jerky in the piano is yours, Todd”

One day shortly after Tim became Robin, he made the mistake of unwittingly eating a package of cashews he found in a living room vase. In front of Bruce. Didn’t end well. 

Jason still carries a variety of snackfood on his person, most commonly granola bars, fruit snacks, and skittles. He’s still willing to share.

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Hello! I’d just like to point out that since a) we know Bruce keeps files on all his associates that state their weights/heights b) many of his associates are children and c) children grow really fast– it logically follows that Bruce has to measure his kids on a semi-regular basis. 

That’s the only way those files are going to be any kind of accurate, right? So please consider:

One of those walls in the kitchen where everybody charts their growth– at this point it’s a mess of marks because there are so many people. Even if you join up after you’ve reached your full height, you still get to put it on the wall. It’s a thing. 

Tinyass Dick Grayson hopping around the cave, all excited because he grew!! Wow!! He’s gonna be tall!! He makes Bruce get measured too. It’s only fair. 

Damian doing his “what no I’m definitely not interested in this” routine, but he is definitely interested, mostly because Tim has pretty much stopped growing, and every inch is another step closer to dominance (@ Drake watch your back)

Tim sighing in the background

Alfred made Jason come back and put his grownup height on the chart because he wasn’t home when he got tall