whispersnightcinema - Tumblr blog

[whispersnightcinema]

April

So much so much has happened, I'm very sad and frustrated I feel so selfish for hurting him, I don't want to let him go even if it's best for us both.

I guess I'm just not meant for relationships, we are on a no contact break, and it's killing me every day to not hear from him or get even a text, the only thing I could only contact him with is for important things, today I've been going back and forth, thinking so much, if we were meant to be together forever... should I just be non selfish and just let him go like he wanted? But we're still togther. .

Apart of me feels like he's been talking to someone else, he's asked me so many times on the phone if I was speaking to other men, I kept saying no. He has no more trust in me and needs time to process the hurt that I've caused him.

Like why did I hurt the one I love the most forever in my life... I'm so sad , so fucking sad and I'm trying my very best to be happy somehow , happy that he's still in my life but just a ghost that haunts my thoughts.... this is terrible I hate being a romantic and half of me just wants to say fuck the rest and just do me And not think about anyone else again, sigh. . .. why must it be that I'm so toxic to myself, I've sabotage everything I've ever dreamed of.... now I'm in a real nightmare of feeling so aweful and selfish in so many ways.

I want to believe in us, I really do ... I just can't deal with no contact. Maybe if I trick myself and get lost in my head for a while. I might beable to handle it. But I just can't!!!

I'm so tired of not being happy. I do my best to show everyone else that I'm happy but truly deep within my heart.... I've caused myself so much pain that I've found a new formula to mask it all...

Gym. Music. Cannabis. Social media.

So many distractions, yet I can't stop g about how much I love and miss him, all I think about is the happy memories.. . I'm so afraid that the last good memory will be when we were in Texas and I sang happy birthday to him and he pretended to blow out the candles and made a wish. I fed him his first bite of the chocolate gannach German cake! Or when he drew a nice bath fit me and we both took a bath and just caressed each other. Fuck I miss him so much. I feel so incomplete *tears.*

Writing this makes me so weak, I hate crying.

My heart misses him. My mind... my fucking mind is telling me to not give up! I feel like giving up every night as I stare into the silence,loud silence without hearing his voice before bed. The I love you, sweet dreams and good nights .... I NEED THAT TO SLEEP. Now all I do is lose sleep, I'm restless, I have to detach, I took 12 steps back into improving myself, taking certain parts of me and fixing in new ones... tuning to myself is this formula thing you work?! I'll never know unless I try this challenge for myself.. I hate that I try to forget him, too erase him from my daydreams... this has been one of the most common challenges I face in life.

I'm use to feeling hurt in the end ebb if I caused it or they did. The feelings are always the same, then you heal, then you move forward in life and not ever open your heart to anyone ever again ... absolutely not! And it will be so sad for them to know that I will never feel those strong feelings ever again for anyone. If I catch myself falling for anther I will escape them, because I never choose them and they'll never give me this undiscribable feeling that I get when I'm with him... never in my fucking life have I ever felt this crazy high from anyone, I think I'm crazy for feeling this way sometimes.

I don't want to let him go, he isn't going anywhere, I belong to him and he belongs to me... I got he feels that way (I'm being selfish, you can't force anyone to stay) I'm just so crazy over him, I miss giving him kisses and just loving him physically, like I can't keep my hands off of him when he's around. ..

I love his eye color, his beautiful lashes, ughhh his handsome face!! I hate this cage around us, the distance. . . Universe please can I once just have my dream back, I want to go to sleep. I've learned my lesson, I'm better now, I'm doing my very best and my hands are bleeding. I don't want to close my eyes in this nightmare anymore... I rather feel empty, I wish I was a robot.

He knows that this is going to be my last and only relationship, ever! If we don't make it to forever then I'll continue being the fetish that I am to others. That will fall for me and cherish me and adore me, spoil me and love me. As they're Asian babydoll luxury pet. Yet I'll never love them back like how much I love my person that I choose to love and give my all to the best way that I could.

Sigh*... I hope he misses me and still thinks of me and about us, living and doing life together. I don't think I can ever love somone like this ever again...

I'm so afraid... so afraid.

[whispersnightcinema]

August

Hmmmm well it's the golden 8th for us!

So many many things I want to type,

Let's start, everything is going well I guess,

I mean yes it's great!

I finally confessed to him and told him that I was in love with him he goes

" I know, I was just wondering why you didn't tell me sooner, I love you too. See it's not such a big deal"

Uhm...... okay so I tell him that I'm in love with him and that's his response. I freaking teared up after I told him and to hear him say it back made me smile. I was so happy that this thing that's been so heavy in me without saying it has been killing me!

Look it took me a while to say it, I kept choking on my words, I was giving him all the reasons of why and how I was feeling about how solid things are going. He kept digging it out of me, I told him it's hard to sleep because this thing on my mind is keeping me up at night.

He goes what is it? And I was avoiding it... I told him It's nothing bad it's like cotton candy and unicorns and rainbows.... hmmm

Also it goes against the rules in everything I live for, my #1 rule of my lifestyle as Foxwolfie... but it's good...

So I told him that "I'm so fucking in love with you, I've been in love with you since the 3rd month"

He said, I know.

I'm like "why didn't you tell me to just at it already."

And he goes, " I didn't think you were going to actually say it."

I told him to imagine me in the corner of my couch with the throw blanket over me like a fort, and a giant heart bubble just bursted and a bunch of heart bubbles everywhere... he giggled but like I had this crazy electric shock go through me, my hands were all sweaty and shaky... exhales**

ANXIETY!!!

Gosh oh my gosh I'm in 🥰 like this is such an incredible fucking feeling!

I've never felt this kind of love before, I'm just so so happy. I'm like still in shocketh mode that it happened.

I told him I rather tell him in person, but he said why not just tell me now so I can process.

I told him that I honestly wanted to tell him in person so we can just have passionate sex afterwards because it's romantic as fuck!

But no I had to tell him in the phone.

Next day....

So I call him and we talked more about it, I ask him how he felt when he heard me say it

He said "it's hard for me to describe"

Side note: I forgot to mention that he also said he doesn't know what his feelings are capable of

So I said okay for me it's a 10. What level of in love are you with me!? He says 8. 🙄 uhm...... okay so I love him more?.. this is why I hate these feelings and having these emotions. I only wish that he loves me just as much! Sigh... I mean I appreciated his answer honestly I really do...

I'm just a huge hopeless romantic and I want to do all the cute gushy shit, but a part of me feels like he's not really into it... I'm not sure how to start without being all extra, it makes me nervous.

Because he isn't romantic and I prbly just get some basic reply like "awe" or some type of emoji.

Ahhhhhhhhh Frustration just insert dial up internet sounds please... just do it! Lol. Fml.

We don't talk too much on the phone until I told him that when we are on the phone, I feel like I'm talking to myself because he just says one worded answers, when he's around the guys and most of the conversations are sexual or he doesn't want the guys to hear our conversations.

I was on the phone with him on Sunday and just told him I'm going to hang up! He said he'd call me after but I just hung up and didn't really hear that part. (I was so annoyed omfg!)

So I texted him " tbh I'm trying and I'm really tired just gettng on the phone with you at night because like we really don't even talk about anything like I feel like I'm taking to myself half the time"

He goes " well im watching an intense movie and I said I call you before I go to bed"

Me: "okay that's fine at least you'll be talking back"

Him: "I like just chillin with you on the phone but obviously there's situations where I can't talk back or where the conversation isn't one I can have around my guys"

I sent him a thumbs up Foxwolfie emoji.

We did talk that night... he said that he'll just call me when he can get away from everyone so we can have our talks, and that he feels it's like we're hanging out while I'm in his ear... I mean that's cool and all but I rather not listen to things going on, I just want us to talk and have vocal communication, our texts have been better I mean after that night I told him I loved him I woke up with a smile like I was floating on clouds all day. Heart bubbles everywhere...

Sheeesh why am I like this!!!

I finally said it out into our universe, it feels different... sigh but I'm scared so fucking scared.

I don't want to get broken again. I hope he doesn't and he wants to keep me forever... like I want him forever. Foxwolfies are forever!!!

But yeah I tend to not think of the negative because I want to stay happy and lately I haven't been... I'm still frustrated sexually and I miss physical touch and affection. It's driving me fucking crazy!

Like please hurry up and book me a flight master so we can just destroy one another over and over again. Just miss him so much. So fucking much!

I can't believe I'm in love. ... I hate it! Ugh... my heart it's like... so full but really I'm going to step back a bit and pace myself. It's just better this way.

[whispersnightcinema]

July

Oh fuck I've been holding off writing this,

It's just been really amazing, sad, happy... does that make sense? I'm not even sure myself.

So I visited family over the 4th weekend, it was chill ate a little bit, snacked often, saw my aunts uncles you know the family.

It was non stop go go go... just so busy,

Anyway He had booked a layover flight that next Sunday, 12hrs we spent together, tbh I was so happy like all of my anxiety went away when he was physically here! I was so nervous to see him again and full of excitement, I get to my place and I take my heels off... then just like jumped on him since he was alrdy in my bed, omfg I just melted on him. ..I kissed him all over his neck, dug my face in it... just .... ahhh I was so happy. Like asking myself is this real? Like I'm not dreaming ? I don't know but just thinking about those 12hrs makes me so sad...

Before we get to that let me continue.

I changed out of my dress after we smoked a bowl and I got the massage oil out, gave him a full body massage and trying to avoid sucking his hard cock right in front of my face, but I'm good dealing with challenges. He had a full on body massage, he was so tense. Afterwards we get up to smoke some more, grabbed water...

Afterwards he lays down and we cuddle a little bit as I get his cock hard and suck it for a while as he grabs and spanks my ass, I gag as he fucks my throat, then he gets up and starts giving me kisses on my inner thighs, asked if I was turned on... but I wasn't, he sucked and licked my nipples, asked me if I felt anything. Then goes back down to my pussy. And starts eating me out. Holy fuck I was so wet and turned on so quick! Like so insane!

We fucked for a good while, I squirted and had multiple orgasms, I think I blacked out a few times... not sure, but it was so amazing, we ended up taking a nap, well more like I took a nap. I just put my head on his lower chest area, as he's just reading and giving me pets and running his hands on my back, tracing my face with his fingers...

Sigh...

just pure happiness.

I just never wanted it to end, then we went out to eat sushi, as I looked at him from across the table I kept thinking to myself like "damn I'm going to miss you so much, " then he says he feels like he's in a dream... I'm like "awwwwe" he says it's lack of sleep and just being so busy working, which he does work crazy long hours! I guess I thought he was being sweet but he wasn't... ugh! I swear romance is dead in this generation, like why!!! I wish I lived in an Era that was just set on romance and love poems to give to your partner...

Anyways,

We get back to my place and smoke, chilled a bit and went to the bedroom to nap from the food coma....

For some reason my hand started rubbing his cock and well... obviously we end up fucking again... like no tomorrow kind of sex, the I miss you sex, the passion was definitely there.

Afterwards we kissed and cuddled and napped a bit.

His flight was really early so I woke up with him as he gathered his clean laundry.

Then I got so sad after we hugged goodbye, like I didn't want to let go of his hand... I freaking cried like a baby. And kinda took a nap... it made me super sad not knowing when I will physically see him again... yeah we text each other everyday. But it's just. I fucking hate LDR it's driving me out of mind! Now I'm back to not wanting sex anymore, I don't even have the appetite , my thoughts are just mush right now, and I'm having a hard time sleeping!

To be continued....

Alright let's get back to this evolving love story,

So he is now road tripping across country with his team. We talked all day during his long drive, we talked about life together, where we stand in this relationship. Things like that ... tbh it was extremely pleasant, but during his drive b4 we hung up I think he dropped the L bomb. ..!! Maybe I'm hearing things, but I was like ttyl.... he calls me back once he got to the hotel and I really wanted to mention it to him, but like I was still in shock.. I think... because I kept replaying that in my head over and over again convincing myself that I'm tripping...

Me thinking " he's tired and delirious from driving so long, he doesn't feel these things, he's empty. Lol!" He doesn't mean it. He cld never feel as strongly as I do for him. Never.

Or maybe I should have said it back!? I don't know.

I had anxiety but I think I'm just overthinking...

We talked the other night as well and I think he said it again... but I'm still not sure because it was said so quickly, maybe,?!.... I haven't said anything back, I'm just so scared, like I feel as if I ... sigh....

Hold on... I'm trying to catch my breath.

Thinking about how much I want him next to me right now just really kills me,

I miss waking up to his cuddles, me digging my face into his neck, just giving and recieving affection.

But I'm a bit wiery , yesterday he mentioned how he is now starting to feel things, when I said " your empty, you don't care and your not happy "

Because he says if I read the dark towers book it would make him happy . So I giggled and said you don't feel happiness. He then said "some ppl say that but what they really mean is if they feel something they just don't know if they'll put effort "

Something like that, I got so high that I tend to space out.... lol! Prbly quoted it wrong but it was among those lines.

Then he said he's starting to feel things again.. and I'm like " oh so you are feeling things again that's great,"

He says it's like volcano lava... moving and I'm like... hmmm, thinking to myself is he telling me he is Having strong feelings now?

I said, "thanks for being open with me"

And we just either talked more and then said goodnight/sweet dreams... just our usual routine calls.

Our text have been more moderate, not as dry as before, because I tend to mention to him how dry our texts have become our conversations hmmm.... we talk about everything, and sometimes we don't say anything... we're just in each other's ear...

Tbh I'm trying to adapt to this shit still, like it sucks! I'm use to his absence now. I really am but at times I feel so alone 😔 I'm hiding my depression the best that I can. I cried in the bubble bath just thinking about everything, about could somone really have these feelings for me? As much as I feel for them?

I'm sure this dream is really a nightmare and reality is that I'm a Clown for feeling this way...

Sigh.... I'm afraid if I do tell him in person that I.. i

Uhmmm... like I can't even type it out.

Shit could hit the fan and I'm embarrassed for saying those words and gettng the " oh okay I just don't have that feeling towards you" type of sentence from him...

Yeah he is feeling things now, but how much is he going to express them to me in words?! Yes actions speak louder.

But sometimes hearing it like a song is also pleasing, as well you know...

Sucks that I have a huge romance side to me and I'm Here wishing he'd show some of that..

I miss him everyday, but I'm slowly feeling numb.

Could also be my depression, sadness taking over.

Fuck I'm such a mess inside. No clean up in asile #5

Too big of a mess and below pay grade to deal with it , yes I just referred myself to grocery items.

Until the next recap... let's see how long it'll be til he and I meet again... plz don't let me drown.

I'm still very happy with life and everything in it. It's just my thoughts are loud and I do have trouble sleeping... woo. Hoo..... lucky me!

[whispersnightcinema]

343

Have you ever been so into someone and you just miss them everyday and it makes you sad, like so sad until you get use to they're absence .. like you just woke up from the best dream of your life...

Fuck I can't get him out of my head, I day dream about us a lot. I've distracted myself as much as I can.

Sigh... sometimes I ask for his attention even though he's working, our texts haven't been long, it's getting shorter and I'm trying so hard to not fail at this. He is attentive when he's not working.

Idk I'm glad that I'll see him again in a few weeks, I crave his physical touch, his cuddles, the way he plays with my hair and my chain or heart lock on my collar.

I need affection, I need to feel safe, I need another human to just hold me tight... I'm so hopeless, my empty romantic heart, is so lonely over here.

I've gone out alot in the past month, distracted myself by just focusing on my workouts and just wanting really.... I haven't had decent sleep either , I don't know what sleep actually is, like I should be asleep right now. Ugh!

It's going to hurt seeing him leave again... thinking about when we'll spend time together, back to phone calls at night for 30 min. And texting... sigh.

Things that I have to adapt to doing, it's so much work, a lot of work. I'm happy to do it I'm putting my all into this, but I've just held back a lot.

I'm scared, i knew for a fact he doesn't feel as strongly for me as I do for him, we are always in each other's ear even when we aren't talking to each other and other ppl. While on the phone... it's just different type of effort we do for each other.

I've assured him often that he has nothing to worry about because I choose him as my person or partner, being in a very private exclusive relationship is great. I don't do all the typical couple things, I just don't want to be looked like a fool on social media in case things go south.

Something I'm Not Going for!

But yeah the moment that I'm use to his absence the easier it gets... but now I have to start all over again, adapting to him leaving me once again not seeing him for weeks prbly months.

I really hate this shit.

It makes me so mad that I'm gettng sad because my happiness is so far away. I don't even have a glow in my eyes anymore, they look so sad. I try so hard to always seem bubbly and happy!

My soul is dead. I'm just numb in this bliss, just make the best of our time together, I wish he'd tell me how he truly feels, but talking about it drains his energy. 😞😓

He isn't romantic at all... I throw hints but he's told me he wasn't ever like this, or he use to be a different way but could never get that feeling again, because he doesn't care, and he's not happy.

So this is what I'm left with.. really good man with certain flaws and things he needs to work on within himself... he's so good to me, treats me well, I'm just getting sick of missing him... it's killing me a lot.

He doesn't text back he misses me when I tell him "miss you" anymore... I'm doing too much alrdy, overthinking stuff ,

Sigh so hard to be into a person you want more then anything just to be close to them.

But all you have is device's to help you deal...

What a life I've chosen.

I hope he finds happiness with me someday like he's given me everyday ... isn't the such a sad love story...

1. You have a romantic lover girl

2. You have an empty soulless man.

How will this survive. Well answer is not giving up on each other... this is everything I deserve. I'll be the very best to him like no one else.

Because I want him to see that these real feelings do exist and he can have it all too. Sigh...

[whispersnightcinema]

I almost ...

I almost told him, .... we were talking about feelings, then he stopped it because it was draining his energy..... I'm just tryjng to give enough yet I'm holding back so much, like everytime we talk I talk about my day and whatever is on my mind, but for some reason today I didn't feel like talking much. I just get nervous alot around him, and I go quiet then he'll ask me a question or talk about another topic. So we just talk, he asked me if I was depressed, I said I was sad not depressed, theirs a huge difference. Yeah I'm having a very challenging time dealing with it, but I've gotten use to it now, and if I was depressed I would not really want to talk to anyone for a few days. Maybe to just check in. I told him I'll be fine I'm adapting. We were saying good night and I told him what I was going to do after we hung up, he tells me to try to get some rest, I say that I don't really sleep sometimes. Like I nap wake up and smoke. Then chill just tryjng to distract myself.

He said that he wished he was here so that I could sleep good.

I told him no it's fine you need to focus on your establishments that's more of a priority, don't worry about me.

Sigh*...

I need to really stop myself and cry sometimes... who knew missing somone so much could feel like this...

I'm scared, and I'm doing my best to not overwhelm him, when all I want to do is like do cute romantic things with him.... and he's nothing like that at all... I guess we can't have it all... I still feel fine I know I should be in a better headspace.

He shows me in actions on how he feels, the way he touches me, and pets me... I miss all the cuddles. Just being with him makes me so happy!

I'm trying my best to be consistent, he noticed I haven't been posting much, I told him that I've noticed that as well, because I'm sad but I'll still let the viewers see me smile like everything is good!

We'll send each other random things just to entertain each other throughout the day.

I just really want him right now holding me,

I've even been cuddling with my pillow and blankets pretending that it's him..... ( obsessive much,?)

Not sure how I feel about that word, more like just missing someone so much that I have to find a way to cope with it and fill the void... I really want to tell him but I just don't think he really feels the same. Not trying to make myself feel like a fool again,

He's empty he doesn't have emotions like I do for him, I try my best to avoid speaking about my feelings with him because it's draining to him...

I don't know anymore..... but I'm sad thinking about this, I put my all into things, I really do, but I think that's my toxic trait...

my strong emotions might just push him away, I'm doing my best to be good for him and not be attention hungry... this is why I keep saying we need to clone ourselves!

I'm ..... I can't even type it out!!

Fuck.

I need to go cry now.

[whispersnightcinema]

So our 6th month is coming

Update on things, everything is great he and I have talk alot about traveling to visit him, he just moved to Another state for his career and is doing really well so far, before the move we spent alot of time together, we went star gazing and I met his childhood best friend. These guys are so intelligent and full of knowledge I just enjoyed listening to them talk. Also because he had to fly back into town,to finish the move and drive the Uhaul out.

we actually went to go eat at Superfrico this really cool Italian psychedelic restaurant that I've been wanting to go to! Well both of us I should say... I got the beef cheek waygu and he got the lamb ragu, for app we got the rosemary roasted potatoes!

Everything was delicious and cooked well!

Anyways we fucked so much that night and morning, we were late to our dinner reservations let's just put it that way...

Afterwards we watched black mirror, we blazed and went to bed after he destroyed my guts... this man was so tired that he ktfo immediately!

I gave him lots of neck kisses and cuddled with him

Morning comes around and my alarm goes off!

I turn over to him and he awake with a hard solid cock ready to go, grabs my waist pulls me in and starts fucking me from the back, then spreads my legs open and goes in deeper!! I swear I blacked out again. Then after we both finished we took a nap, my other alarm goes off and we start fucking again.... I have no idea how many orgasms I had within that time frame ... just thinking about it makes me miss him and his touch.

Got to work and he bought me starbeezy a venti size caramel ribbon crunch Frappuccino, hung out with me for a while at work until he had to leave to go pick up the uhaul, got off of work early and when I got home walked the mew and we were on the phone for a while as he was driving... sigh I'm just sad that I'm not going to see him as much as before, usually he's here next to me either cuddling or fucking. Or just playing with my tits and pussy... being a nympho is tough! The sex was like so good like it had so much more meaning...

I told him my feelings got stronger he just smiled,

And that I'm having a really difficult time with him being gone and how sad I was feeling. It's just I care about him so much and Maybe I should stop... he says I tend to overwhelm him sometimes. So it just made me not text him so much, he told me that I've been really short with texts, and I told him that I've been distracting myself because I'm trying to not think of him so much.

He doesn't talk to me about his feelings at all, he tells me that he hasn't been a certain way in a long time and hasn't even felt anything... like it makes me really sad, I'm here giving my all to you and you just don't care because your empty.

I said "how about I have those feelings for the both of us!" He goes " don't over do it"....

My heart dropped and cracked a little bit, I sometimes feel like he's going to get tired of me eventually, so this week I'm just going to step back and give him that space. Business men always busy my efforts need to be cut in half.

But yeah this is life with him... I rather he stays focused then consider wasting his time and attention on me when he's working. As they say time is money!

But truly in all honesty I'm so happy with him.

It's sad being here without him. But I'm working on my attachment issues, it's really hard for me because I want what I want.

[whispersnightcinema]

It's going to be 5 months tomorrow,

With he and I, since my last writing we've talked a lot about this relationship, how we'll try our best to move forward from the issue that was caused , how we both will try to see where it goes and whatever happens, happens...

But do you know what I want to happen!! I want us to work well together always and to be happy and be better then the last stupid fucking relationship we both had. I told him that I'm going to be better then the last bitches he was with, how I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable how I just want him to know how much I appreciate him.

Yet he said I'm 99% Amazing and 1% he's paranoid... I trust him I really do... but I'm gettng too attached to him like a drug, it's so hard for me to hold back so much from him... I'm honest with him and I genuinely truly care about him. I don't see myself ghosting, or distancing myself with him at all, it's like a dream ... that I don't want to wake up from, yet I'm so scared. So so scared that one day he's just going to decide that we aren't compatible anymore. Yes I rather he be honest and tell me he is happier with another. And that's fine... it's going to hurt so much, but who am I to stop someone's happiness. Who am I to hold somone back from what's important to they're life.

We all deserve to be happy with a person we feel makes us better for each other, right?

I'm never going to fight for somone that walks away from me, I don't know why I'm like this, and I've hurt him alrdy by saying how I felt when my time is getting taken away from me... I'm selfish with him, yeah he has morals that he lives by, but still is my fucking TIME with him.

Sigh.... I'm emotional, I don't want these feelings anymore and I can't control them.... I wish it would stop. I wish it just stop... let me be heartless again.

Trust me I'm so happy and life has been so amazing with him, treats me like his everything, is also affectionate and just so caring. We just can't ever keep our hands off each other, like it's so intense and we try so hard not to do it in public, and most times he is the one that just loves to hold me, grab my booty and my thighs, gives me neck nibbles, just so .... ugh he makes me melt, like I'm puddy in his hands!

It's been one of the best relationships I've ever had and it's scaring the fuck out of me. Like this is too good to be true. I don't think I'll ever tell him that I'm so... into him in a more powerful way.

Because every person I was with and told them this words... things just get worse for me, it's more of a curse. I keep our relationship private because if I get made a fool of by him and things don't work out, then I'm glad I didn't expose him to my world for this to see the man that's making me smile one day, and the next I'm not smiling anymore... I just can't.

[whispersnightcinema]

SIGH. HERE

Here I am again. . This is going to be a good one,

So I met the person organically and naturally, we get along so well and he makes me so happy!

But I'm so scared, so fucking scared to... fall in love with him. We have great communication amazing sex and our bond is very strong, yet I feel sleepless just thinking about us. He treats me so well and shows me how much he adores me! Like am I dreaming?!

I'm so afraid of heartache, like I don't want to self sabotage this. Which is a toxic trait. He didn't like talking about feelings or anything.

Like he's so hollow about it or doesn't even have the energy to tell me anything. . Like I feel it but it be nice to hear it! I hate that I've opened up to him and told him in different ways how I'm falling in love with him. I really hate this feeling, I feel so overwhelmed .... I'm so fucking scared and I just can't do this to myself again! I think I'm just going to build this wall back up again. Sigh... I put effort into this yet I feel like I'm the only one with stronger feelings, where as he isn't feeling the same.. . Like why am I being a dumb ass bitch!

Ugh I hate myself for doing this! I just wish this didn't even happen. My mind is full of these feelings, I've been writing poetry because of it. I mean my poems are lit AF! But still that's the only way I could express my. Heart to him, like does he Even know that all these poems are about us?

Or is he just not going to tell me that he knows.

I hate how I love so hard and yet I feel so sad inside because I wish somone would love me the same in the most romantic way. . Sigh . Wwwwhhhhhyyyyy!!!!!

I just want to run away from this, but I can't help it that I crave his touch, his attention. Everything. I'm just a fool.... make it stop, please!

I miss him everyday, maybe I'm just crazy... I'm done putting effort into this. I'm slowly going to fade away... I can't do this. I'm just not capable to handle this shit anymore.

I know I see him tomorrow but I really hope we talk and he has the "energy" for it.

[whispersnightcinema]

Hi again, it seems as though this place is the only outlet for me when it comes to venting, I'm on the brink of a mental breakdown, like I just want to say fuck it!

This depression is draining me, I'm trying really hard not to just have a mental break down.

Like I'm just going and wanting to put myself on pause for a while, the lifestyle I live is amazing, everything is beautiful. But just because I seem to be very bubbly or seem super happy, I'm just actually masking how sad and depressed I really am, I can't open up my heart anymore and when I get those butterflies or that fast pace heart beat that just beats like a drum.. or makes me understand that things are about to... dimish, that makes me nervous, life is what you make it, yet it's hard to be happy when your at your worse.

I'm needing to just escape from this vessel. I have no appetite. *sigh*... like why am I like this...

[whispersnightcinema]

No fucks fucks fucks...

Lately for the past month I've been not giving much of a fuck, and find myself treating others the way I was treated by the last person. who hurt me,

And it's been attracting men who have been trying to get a chance with me, and I straight tell them im not trying to be more then JUST FRIENDS with them.

Anywho...

I was seeing this one woman who was clearly a stud

( pretty girl that dresses like a pretty boy, nice bone structure and body but wears men's clothing), we hung out often after I got off of work, we had lots of sex, she liked taking me out as arm candy, I let her know tht I strictly dont want anything serious at all, that I'm deathly scared of relationships and I'll probably be alone and single forever because I cant handle heartaches anymore, I'm so tired of that feeling and so afraid of it. So now my walls are so high that no one, absolutely no one can break through at all!

So I told her we may need some time apart and she should talk to other woman because they might want the same things as her, I also informed her that I am speaking to others as well. I saw the look in her eyes and the tone in her voice was really her heart breaking right before my eyes, and I really dont like to hurt someone's feelings, because I know how it feels.

Shit just hit hard for me, that I realize I may need to lay off and focus on myself in a different aspect as to talking to other woman and having them catch feelings unintentionally... I also just enjoyed the sex and the intellectual conversations I've had with her.

Ugh... I need friends who are gay and dont want anything more then just that

I'm pretty numb to all emotions right now.

Dont want or need any type of attachments.

Just rather stack up and travel alone.

[whispersnightcinema]

Ugh!!!!

Im So fucking sad over this guy.

Like why in the actual, i called him let it ring a few times.... even texted him. Ive never been ghosted like this before and it fucking hurts a lot.

Im so SAAAAAD AF!

[whispersnightcinema]

Its legit summer time sadness for me.

I had a dream about him, i need to fight the thought of him, the fact that he was in my life.

He's a coward right?

Here didn't tell me he didn't want it, yet only to take a step back.... i fucking hate that im going to miss him forever... and i don't want to miss him anymore... fuck im so sad!

[whispersnightcinema]

[whispersnightcinema]

Here i am just thinking about him...

Fantasizing thinking that he is thinking of me too, hoping for that text of his feelings for me...

But no, I'm not wanted by him, he pretends to care and be nice, about how we're going to Reconvene, yet here i am day dreaming about him, with different scenarios of wishful thinking, that he would pull up in his truck with flowers or even just walking in here, telling me how much he missed me and that we can now be together again, have a happy life, enjoy each other's company again, talk and text like we use to on the daily.... and still i think of dark moments of, my shop getting robbed and im shot up multiple times in the head and body, as im left to bleed out in my death pool of blood, and thr cameras is the only evidence to capture it all...

Then an article of a young woman that was shot and killed over money she didn't want to give up in a shop... that he Reads about this, that he rushes to the nearest hospital or morgue to see me for the last time if i even survive, or not... yet here i am only fantasizing of all the possibilities to hope to see him again.

My thoughts are full of sadness, i can't escape them, the happiness i felt when he cared and wanted me, was just so amazingly beautiful.

To feel replaced, to feel like understanding the situation he is facing and not needing me is what kills me the most, i feel lost in a dark forest i cannot escape from. I'm so sad,

I have nothing to lose really, but my furbaby.

Im working hard and everyday for my sanity, to help me cope with this broken hurting heart.

I want to feel his energy, is he still intuitive with me? Does he care anymore?

I feel he has become strong enough to block me out, 4getting that we even were... even were in each others life... my depression is eating me up alive, i have moments where i just want to end it all. Maybe its best i dont wake up to see the days ahead, the way my depressions have made me so dark and bleak to reach any type of purpose... has me numb and sadgirl fever is forver within me.

I'll be alone forever, i just dont know.

Why must i miss somone so much that doesnt even miss me or even think of me.

I was so honest and transparent. Should i just LIE to those i even come close to... i dont want to even get close to anyone, I'm hurting so much. I hate being hurt, i accept my emotions,

I deal with it always. I runaway from whats good because of the facts that it ends up like this. Me being alone missing my puzzle pieces.

[whispersnightcinema]

Its kind of confusing, like i met this person and he was so amazing, we had dinner and we consistently kept our communication going,

I fell for him, I liked him so much, and i know that he was being selfish, and im here being a brat, and not allowing him to take a step back from the mess. Im sad i feel like its over, i cried all day just thinking about everything ive invested, he feels that ive done more then he has, like i understand and its kind of sad... a sad love story that can never be reality right now,

I want to fight for it, i want to be the backbone... yet here i am just being sad, mad, and angry and disappointed in all of this... like did i just get replaced? Or am i not wanting to understand this. Im literally not wanting to let go at all.

I dont want to be like this. Its such an emotional mess, I'm filtering things out... i miss him, and it really sucks. I know somtimes time is not our friend, and i know that to rise up we should support those that we care for.

I feel so foolish in this, I'm so embarrassed of how much i tried to be there.

I understand his point of view on how it isnt healthy or fair to me. Yet i dont want to let go...

Like why is that when your happy something occurs and your happiness just gets stripped awy from you, i fucking hate this feeling, i just never... im really sad and my heart hurts a lot. I did this to myself. Im sorry for myself.

And im going to suck it up, do my best to just move forward. I dont need this. At least i could say that i tried.

[whispersnightcinema]

Hello.... it has been many Years since ive entered my tumblr page.

I qant to express a story about how my world was once complete. I was part of the fetish world for many years until i met this vanilla. He was young, green eyes, sang beautiful songs, played his guitar for me every night. I slept so well. Yet our Regular ass relationship wasnt as exciting for me. We fought so much, it was so toxic. So Toxic that we both abused each other physically and mentally. Tore one another down... it was sickening. My stubbornness his erratic feelings of flying off the hinges was just a bad combo. Argument after arguments... it was Never happiness, just content. I never really tried to be happy with him. He did his best to please me or try to make me happy. Yet it just didnt work, i felt so drained spending so much of my money helping his stupid ideas of making profits. He failed. I was so fustrated.

Never have i ever Struggled with somone i was with until i met him. I stayed because it was a relationship ive never had before. We just never were cohesive. I'm a narcissist, I'm definitely better without a relationship, I just never really Did well in any type of relationship i was in. My Dominance and self centered personality will never change. My EGO is pretty much what kills any greatness that can possibly occur.

I am that BITCH. Im an Earth Dragon and we are more successful On our own. My heart is use to this emotion, I'm full of resentment towards him, i hate him so much. I only allowed him to keep the wealthy friends he made through me because they like hom better.

I give ko fucks because ive disowned the friendship with them. He asked to be my "friend"

I dont want to be his friend, i fucking hate being friends with Ex's, like if your not more then what i want you to be with me. I dont settle for less. My mom hates him. He sucked as a provider and he's a fucking messy slob.

I picked up after him until i just couldn't do it anymore. Like i shouldn't have to feel like i have a child for a boyfriend. FUCK!

I REMEMBER when I use to write about having a Southern gentleman as my dream guy. Well guess what it was a fucking NIGHTMARE of DOOM! They're so use to Mommy doing EVERY FUCKING THING FOR THEM.

Lazy AF cant help with anything even when i asked him to take the trash out...

Typing this makes me mad... Like How the fuck did I Allow this stupid relationship to happen for so long. Oh i know. I was "Comfortable" he will never make it that far in life. With his stupid fucking temperament and his know it all. Bs. Like ive never been so annoyed by somone so much. He never ever STFU for less then a half an hour.

LOOK all im saying is that, this relationship had more Cons then Pros. I use to record everyday time and date tht we would argue. HE NEVER SHUTS HIS FUCKING MOUTH.

I know i shouldn't talk bad abt an EX but. Fucking shit, how the hell do I even Vent to my friends when they will try to always make shit spiritual. All his friends were fucking skum ass losers who still lived with theyre parents, no actual jobs, No drive. I became so Miserable and got into Deep depression, never wanted to go anywhere with him. Just hated living with him.

I was only happy when dick was good. Then inlost attraction towards him. Sex life was just not there. It didnt matter if he had a big dick either, he never STFU abt my sexual experiences because he didnt get to have them with me. Well maybe if you didnt always talk down to me, disrespected me. And maybe BE A FUCKING MAN AND GOT OUT OF BS DEBT. Without always asking me for financial help. I'd be happier. Happy that a MAN can provide for me and i never had to struggle.

Finally after 5 years of lessons of being in a tpxic relationship and verbal abuse. Feeling taken for granted. We both agreed to part. I honestly felt like he cheated and the Guilt was eating him up alive, he moved out and never paid rent. Now he is a gypsy hopping to different shared. Rooms to Airbnb's with no real home. Because he isnt responsible

[whispersnightcinema]

Venthot259

So it's been like 2 weeks I've been chillin with this guy. I feel like we have such a great deep connection except, I think I like him a bit too much. I hate that I'm so demanding of his attention. I'm such a selfish woman at times and hard headed. He is a person I would never go for though... honestly of all my years I didn't think I would be into this type of guy. He is going at his pace, like he doesn't want to fuck up what we have. It's so frustrating!! Ugh... My hopeless romantic is in full blooms, all I wanna do is love him. Just fucking love him and make him feel that I'm the one for him, Yet of course it's making me so patient. Just to see how this next month's go, I'm going to fight the urge to see him. I really need to stop my heart from fluttering, he makes me laugh so much. We also have deep conversations *sigh*... I just want to be good to him, I want to be that woman in his life that won't give up on him. As sad as this can turn out, I'm afraid that he'll break my heart... My mind says "hurry pull away" my heart is crying out "just please stay " Overall of these emotions I'm having are getting me mad! I'm going to quit! 86