whitemale-ego

[whitemale-ego]

What the fuck is up with my social Life 🙃

I actually am so confused is it me is it my environment? What do I need to change or do¿ It has to be me Im the only constant granted Im pretty sheltered since Ive lived in probably three different environments while mostly staying locked in my room (my fault) but still 0 for three?? Interesting. Forever grateful for my A1’s tho ~ just drowning without them. And the boyf dont get me started. He’s perfect. maybe too perfect? but thats again my fault I probably shoudnt crave the codependency. But it cant be my fault that i want to live in his skin. I love him sm I could never be sick of him I just want him with me. Def codependency but not claiming fault talk to my mom about that one. I want my own people but its never been like that. Too many failed friendships- maybe adolescence is to blame but most guys ended up crushing on me and the girls thot I was weird for being quiet. Okay ew that kinda sounds like a “im not like other girls” plotline but okay imagine it in a Slightly autistic introverted girl who was like bullied but didn’t realize it until like later on cause I was like clueless who then grows DDs in middle school and was also interacting with other dorks (yes im unironically using the word dork) in our “advanced classes” but also became a bitch to anyone who would let me cause i was defensive due to previous bullying it was chill with a majority of the girls tho, they were real anyways off track, the boobs were like big flashing signs for boys to befriend me then say “i have a crush on someone; you know her really well”

Still v autistic and uncomfortable got extremely introverted and quiet percieved to be boring or a threat- leaving out one or two details maybe important maybe not. but im in a Limbo state with friendships. I have some amazing girl friends (mostly introverted) but Ive never had a girlfriend or group where if it was a dead friday night it would be a given we’re still hanging out and drinking either parallel play or going out out i crave that stability. a second family. Facing my dads cancer diagnosis humanized my parents- building a network and support system filled with love and encouragement is vital to getting through and loving this life~weirdly deep anyways~ i also want a girl to match my energy and shake ass with no hesitation so theres that! what to do what to do.¿

~ignore the runon sentences and punctuation that should or shouldnt be there - or - enjoy my brains flow state vent 😘