whitestar650

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Spotify

When logging in and what’s playing is my kid’s play list… makes me smile. The little things!

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When there’s sliding doors between the living room I’m in and his make-shift bed… knocking on the door when he wants to say “I miss you” and i respond with 3 knocks, saying “I love you”. It’s the little things.

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When the mundane and daily life responsibilities subside, an ease and reminder that life is not meant to only be hectic. It is about family adventures and love.

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Music

So many people who came into my life have imparted the love of their music... and my exposure and love for music is quite eclectic. Even my kid has brought in his love for classical music. The only person who really hasn't actively added to my library is the one I chose to be my wife. What to make of THAT. hm.

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to be held

it's quietly settling in. and, i need. i need a hug, a long hug with the words... "it will all be ok". not in the 'nothing bad will happen' kind of way, but in the 'we will get through this with love and care' kind of way... the 'you are not alone' kind of way, in the 'i got you/we have each other' kind of way.

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5:30/6am

Staying up all night with my little sick papas. In the midst of his fever, he smiled and laughed, made plans to do a routine with his cousin… and finally, he admitted that he was “sick, mama. It’s a rough night”. Holding and rocking you, that was my little heaven. After an hour or two of sleep, we are onto lazy, movie day.

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Lazy Saturday. After being sick and still needing to work all week… and having a “rough day” and night, we get to wake up and have a lazy day together. He asked for Minnie pancakes… when I say I don’t know how to make these but I can make Mickey… his solution.. just make bows! And bows, I made. Onto a movie on the couch together!

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Up, up!

Some of my favorite words. My body pays the price at times, but my heart is so thankful that this kid wants to be carried. My favorite moments... carrying him when he is so tired and I am his safety and comfort. I was meant for this, to be his mama.

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Having someone ask what they can do to help, to make you happy when I have lost my footing…. Priceless. It is in my broken state, when I’m not being easy that showing up means so much!

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I know this creeping feeling, a bit too well. The precipice of sadness is around the corner and all I can do is do my best to not give in, to hold on to the little joys in life. Oy. Deep breaths and… smile, for all feelings have a wisdom.

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Thanks, ASCO! The kid and I loved exploring Chicago as our love attended you, kicked ass, and took names!

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Ease

Life is hard enough and finding those with whom time passes easily and with ease is essential. It may be due to my increased sense of self and finding incredible people who love my loved ones and, therefore, I love THEM. These last few days have been about taking in the moment, enjoying the laughter, the conversations, and learning to be more of myself with others. Not easy, but, also.... not hard. Who knew?

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Andre Rieu

Oh yes, the littles has his hero. Introducing his aunties to this guy, to the talented ladies who perform with him, helping us learn about other instruments I never knew the names of… making me order Andre’s book before bedtime… yup, this little soul is hands down an incredible human being that I am lucky to call my “son/sun”.

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maybe

maybe, just maybe, this slow loss can also bring some unexpected gifts. my relationship with my mother has always been loving and easier than with others in my family. maybe, just maybe, my other relationships will strengthen and lead to more love and vulnerability as we gather closer to make this next stage a bit easier on us all.

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Slowing down and appreciating what is. Rafa… look! Mama, are you going to pick him up? No, only when they are in danger of being stepped on. We can just watch him:)

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All there is, is connection, love and simple moments of joy. Hija de estos dos🩷🐰

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75 años y he pasado 45 años de esos como tu hija. Nunca podré agradecerte el amor y cariño que me has dado, el empujón a estudiar y la licencia de poder explorar este mundo.