who-always-pays-their-taxes - Tumblr blog

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writing batfam fanfic really has me google “list of worse places to get shot” and “mortality rates of a chest stabbing” because i’m trying to figure out what wound is concerning enough to warrant being dragged home by your overbearing mama bird brother but not be brought to a legitimate doctor by said brother

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considering the manor is completely massive and the only person who spends more than a few consecutive hours there at a time is probably Alfred, i think it would be funny if after the pit, Jason decides after everything he's been through that he can't be bothered to do the whole revenge thing, or sort out safe houses or get an apartment and instead just decides to kill the joker himself and just... secretly go home.

like, as long as he kept an ear out to make sure he wasn't eating in the dining room when Bruce comes down, he could probably get away with walking around without ever being caught. Alfred would find out, i assume, but i think knowing how complicated Jasons emotions towards Bruce are right now, he'd keep it quiet and just be happy that the one other person he trusts to leave alone in the kitchen is finally back. And then, of course, there's the kids.

Damian knew from the beginning. Not because he's especially observant, but because this is his big brother from the league and the first night he spent at the manor Jason crawled through his window in full Red Hood gear and told him not to snitch. Considering that in the league Jason once snuck up behind Ra's and shaved a strip of hair off the back of his head, Damian decides there's far stupider shit the guy could be doing and leaves it be.

Tim finds out next. admittedly, the only reason he finds out is because Jason thought he knew and just stopped attempting to avoid him. in reality, what happened was Tim, having not slept for three days and living off nothing but spite and coffee, accidentally walked in on Jason cooking in the middle of the night, and immediately wrote it off as a hallucination. Jason, seeing Tim find him in the manor and not react badly, decided that 'oh, the replacement must just be chill i guess' and mentally pencilled him in as another person in the building that he can be seen by. it came to a head when a few days later Damian was forced by Jason to invite Tim out with them on their weekly 'eat junk food and talk shit about the rest of the family' outings, since he was a part of the group now. Tim cries.

Dick only finds out because Tim and Damian keep forgetting that Jason isn't supposed to be talked about in public. there comes a point where Tim rips Dick's favourite sweater and when Dick confronts him about it, Tim panics and blurts out 'it wasn't me, must have been jason!', and upon seeing Dick's face, Damian smacks him and grumbles 'good job Drake, now we have to show him Todd or he'll cry again.'. Jason is not overly happy when he sneaks through his bedroom window after going out as Red Hood and finds a sobbing Dick sat on his bed, Tim staring at the ground looking very ashamed while Damian straight face points at Tim to make it clear that this was Not His Fault.

after realising literally everyone in the house sans Bruce knows he's there, Jason decides to just. stop hiding. the fact is that he wasn't trying that hard in the first place, and Bruce still didn't have a clue, so he kinda wants to see how long it takes the 'world's greatest detective' to realise his dead kid is just. back.

so he stops hiding. starts showing up for family meals, starts being more friendly with the bats as Red Hood, and they all wait to see what finally tips Bruce off.

they forget how fucking stupid this man can be.

because if Jason had gone up to Bruce and done some sort of dramatic or emotional reveal then sure, Bruce would be shocked. he'd freak out. but the fact is that Bruce has both Batman and Brucie Wayne to keep up with. He's barely paying attention to his own feet while walking, let alone the people around him.

so when Jason starts showing up and acting like nothings changed, and literally nobody else in the house acts like anything's different either? Bruce straight up forgets that Jason's supposed to be dead. His mind just registers 'oh there are his kids, fighting like usual', and forgets to take in whether or not those kids are SUPPOSED to be ALIVE.

the kids find it fucking fascinating. Jason can actually have conversations with Bruce at the dinner table, and Bruce doesn't even realise that this is a wild fucking thing to be happening. Tim starts laughing at him and Bruce gets confused, only making the poor kid laugh harder. Jason just can't believe he actually bothered putting effort into hiding when he first came back. Damian's respect for his father diminishes every day.

it becomes a game, to see how far it will go. at one point Dick straight up asks who was better as Robin, him or Jason, in an attempt to jog his memory, and Bruce without looking up from the batcomputer goes 'you were both equally good, stop trying to start competitions with your brother'. Dick throws his hands up in the air and Jason, who has been sat on top of his own fucking memorial case to watch this shit show for the past 20 minutes, slow claps.

it's only after like a month of this that half way through a casual family breakfast, Damian asks Jason to pass him the orange juice or something, and Bruce finally has the fucking moment of

he never lives it down.

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fyi your dad is a whor—

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jason todd died for this

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Baby Dick Grayson as Robin meets the League and they're all gobsmacked at how Batman, who has an emotional range that goes from cynical wet blanket to unstoppable force of nature, has such a seemingly normal and happy kid.

"He must get it from his mom." Green Lantern said, trying to build some kind of rapport. "She approve of you running around beating up bad guys, little man?"

"My mom is dead," Dick replied and Green Lantern paled.

"Oh that's uh--"

"It happened right in front of us." Dick continued conversationally, gesturing to himself and Bruce.

The rest of the League start frantically signalling to Hal without using words, abort! Abort!

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It is so funny to me that the Joker just hates Dick Grayson the most out of everyone in the batfamily.

And realistically, it's probably because he was the one who "took Batman from him and changed him to be softer", but I like to believe it's because Dick is funnier than him. One time, when he was Robin, Batman smiled when he made a joke or a pun and that just never happened when Joker made a joke (because you know, Dick was never a serial killer) and he is still salty about it and will be for the rest of his life.

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tired

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Dick, pointing to Jason's photo : This is Jason. He was our brother. He liked literature and was very good at school. People would've told you he was violent but he was the sweetest and would've never been on the wrong side.

Damian, who has seen Jason training in the League of Assasins to commit homicide and probably mass murder in Gotham : Okay

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Dick and Damian graffiting on each other's stuff!

Batman & Robin #10 & Nightwing #108

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I'm retiring my Robin Wars poster, so here's a new one as requested by my insta followers lol. It's 2024, still drawing these boys in these old outfits haha YOU CAN'T STOP ME

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Jason and Dick look so much alike during their Robin days that they get confused who was the Robin in certain photos, they literally can't tell each other apart and the fact they have been fighting almost the same lineup of rogues is even more confusing, so their experiences end up mixed up, a lot.

Jason: No, that was me, did ya' read my reports and is confusing them with the real thing ?

Dick: I'm one hundred percent sure that was me, maybe you're the one who is misremembering, you used to read my reports all the time !

Jason: So you're just gonna act like I'm fucking lying, I have 4k memory of that day, that was literally me get outta here with ur Pinocchio looking ass

Dick: You're the one remembering things wrong, I got seventeen years of career I know that was me!

The whole time, the Riddler was running low on funds and used the same strategy twice, hoping nobody would notice, Tim knows the truth – he has read both reports–, but he thinks it's funny to see them argue.

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ate and left no crumbs. I swear Alfred is the most iconic batfamily member.

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i think this is the most normal brother moment they've ever had

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I like to imagine that when Bruce is really sick or horribly injured and doesn't want to show weakness, he just... sends Dick in his batsuit to Justice League meetings.

And nobody notices

And a few years later Dick finally ends up in the league as Nightwing and someone brings up how Batman never seems to get sick or hurt, even when they know he's taken big hits, he's always at the meetings.

And Dick just bursts out laughing and falls out of a chair.

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jason: i'm too drunk to drive

dick: you were the one to get me drunk, so i can't drive

tim: man i am high as a kite right now, i don't think I'm fit to drive unless it's to the wendy's drive-thru, its the only route i know by heart

jason, dick, and tim looking over to 12 year old damian:

damian: i shall be your designated driver just this once

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