whoonearthisike

[whoonearthisike]

august 9th

So, I am hitting a new rock bottom and I have no one to talk to, so I just want to put this out there. I've seen sometimes it helps. Here it goes: Last month I made it to 28 years old (yay!) and age has been really triggering for me.

I live in a shared flat with rotating roommates, 80% of the time they are awful: they don't respect other people's sleep, they don't clean… I am saving money to buy a house, but it seems impossible. The town where I live is a big city and the prices are just awful, I don't want to move out because (1) my job is here and (2) I'm from another small town and this is the only place in the mainland that I know, so I don't feel safe getting out.

I'm gay, and I have never been in a relationship. I've had a couple of sexual experiences but were fast and weird and I feel shame more that anything (cruising and things like that since is the only thing I could get myself into).

Alongside point 2, I have been bullied and harassed for as long as I can remember. I never had a safe space until I moved out oh my hometown. Never had a core group of friends that actually treated me well, I am kind of the clown of the group, so If im not making people laugh they lose interest in me. As a result of this, I do not know how to make friends, and cannot trust anyone who actually seems nice to me, I keep thinking that either they secretly hate me (which has been the case in the past, i.e friends who were being racist/homophobic on my back) or they feel sorry for me and just hang out with me out of pity (also happened)

I'm fat (chubby?) I've had body image issues and eating disorders since I was around 11. I don't think I'm ugly, I'm kind of cute, however definitely not the right body. A couple of years back I was able to lose some decent weight (During COVID) because the world basically stopped, my job became a more steady and not very stressful, so I was able to control my life more. Now, my job is extremely stressful, my housing situation is getting worse (new roommates, 0 respect) and the stress is too much. I just cannot get into the whole dieting + exercise thing. I have tried, but when I work out I get too overwhelmed and just start to have panic attack that ends up with me crying and smashing things.

My grandma past away 18 months ago. It hit my mom too hard, and she is really struggling to get back on her feet. My dad is not in the picture. Now my grandad is sick and needs constant care. My uncles are… well. They are not doing as much as they should. So it's my mom the one who split herself between her full time job and caring for him. I am temporarily back in my hometown to spend some time with her, but being back here has really crushed me.

I came out to my mom months ago, and she took it really well. I don't want to come out to the rest of my family because I think it will create a breach between them and my mom. Also, I am not sure if I am ready for my relationship with them to change. I definitely know I will eventually go no contact with them, however is just … I don't have anyone else, and severing that will ACTUALLY mean I will be 100% alone in the world. I'm not even sure they like me. They love me out of family obligation.

Usually I can try to evade myself and get distracted by reading, watching TV, or music, but nothing works any more. With reading, I got lately into romance novels, but I do not relate at all to straight stories, and gay romance novels just remind me of all the things I did not have (when is about young people) or all the thing I won't have. Horror used to be one of my favourite genres, but I just get nothing out of it any more. It has been a while since I read a decent thriller. Same thing with TV: I have been watching heartstopper, and it just makes me so sad. I am 28, and I am seeing these 15-year-old boys being loved, and cared for, getting into relationships and having someone they belong to, and I get so sad and so angry about not having that, and being too old to experience it. Gay people my age are almost exclusively into hookup culture. I can't stand music any more: All songs talk about love, sex, and just like everything else a constant reminder of all the things i am missing. So now I just spend my days scrolling through tiktok, avoiding overcomplicated tasks at work (I work from home), feeling bad every time I eat and hate myself afterwards, and just waiting for one day to be over and do the same thing again. I'm on antidepressant, but they are clearly not doing much. Health system in my country (South Europe) has been getting so bad I cannot even make an appointment with my doctor. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts, and the very worst part of it is that I know I am not going to do it. It's almost 1am, and I just needed to vent. I don't have any close friends I can tell all of this. In a couple of days, I'm getting out of my hometown, and will try and see what small steps I can take to regain some control on my life. But I do feel like is way too late. Im 28, and most 18 years old have more friends, are hotter, live more, have been in more relationships, than me. I just feel so left behind and is impossible for me to catch up.