why-cant-i-thoughts-blog

[why-cant-i-thoughts-blog]

#thxsimon

As my first post on what I hope will become an outlet for my innermost thoughts, I figured it would be fitting to talk about what sparked the decision to vent my feelings on the internet. Tonight I made a spur of the moment decision to see the movie “Love, Simon”. Since it’s exam season and I only gave an hour’s notice none of my friends could come with me. I told myself, fuck it I can see a movie by myself - it's not weird. It would be the perfect way to spend some quality alone time with myself, something I hadn’t done in awhile. So I bussed down to cineplex, bought my ticket and an ice tea, and went straight to the back row of the theatre. I had heard only glowing reviews of the movie, so my expectations were reasonably high going into it. What I never expected was for it to have such an impact on me. I laughed, I smiled, and my heart felt warm. But there were also moments of vulnerability that cracked my soul because I had never felt this understood. I cried so hard that more than a few times I had to cover my mouth to prevent pterodactyl-like noises from escaping. 

If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll probably get the #thxsimon reference. For the people who haven’t, it’s basically a trend where people share very personal information about themselves in hopes of inspiring others. I’ve never even said this out loud before, but I’ve been questioning my sexuality for the past 4ish years. I’ve been repressing it for so long because my life would be so much easier if I ignore everything. I still don’t really know what my sexual orientation is or what I want to identify as, which is the most confusing and frustrating situation to be in. I think I might be gay, or possibly bi, I honestly don’t know.  Something inside me is screaming at me that I’m into girls (for context I also am a girl) but my brain has been conditioned to like guys for my whole life. At this point I don’t know if I am attracted to guys because I actually like them, or if it's just a reflex or a habit. It makes this kind of thing hard to figure out when you’ve never actually been in a romantic relationship before. I think that fear is the motivator behind my hesitation to explore the non-heterosexual side of me. Mainly because I’m terrified of disappointing my father (or any of my other family members) whose anti-gay views have been ever-present throughout my life. But I think I’m also afraid to accept my true self, whoever that may be. 

Anyways, because of all this there was one particular scene in the movie which resonated with me the most. I don’t want to spoil anything (if you haven’t seen it you need to drop everything and go now) so I’ll describe it vaguely. Towards the end of the movie Simon and his mom have a chat about her accepting him for who he is, and in that moment it felt like all the other people in the theatre vanished and Jennifer Garner was speaking to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear and the validation that I didn’t know I was craving. Even though I don’t know who or what I am, everything will be okay and I’m not any less of a person. I hope that one day when I’ve figured myself out and I do decide to tell my loved ones, that they see me the way Simon’s parents see him. 

I guess the point of this post was to show my appreciation for this movie, and to also hopefully reach other people who are going through similar things as I am. I will be forever grateful to this movie for enlightening my perspective and for representing the feelings I work so hard to repress on screen in a positive and uplifting light.