whycantthingsjustbeeasy - Tumblr blog

whycantthingsjustbeeasy · 7 years

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I fucking hate myself I wish I was dead I thought i was doing so well and I just keep fucking everything up and I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LEFT THE FUCKING HOUSE TONIGHT. I knew. I fucking KNEW. I JUST KNEW. I even had that "nah do it it's the right thing to do good karma good vibes" I GOT REWARDED WITH THE WORST FUCKING FEELINGS IN THE WORLD AND AN ANXIETY ATTACK THATS GOING TO LAST ALL NIGHT WITH NO WAY TO FIX IT. I EVEN TURNED DOWN WEED. God I fucking HATE myself. I always have to be the fucking martyr like why do I do this why do I fucking torture myself to this extent like what the fuck is the purpose. Now I've got no way to take this edge off and I'm NEVER GOING TO FORGET OR GET OVER THIS. ITS GOING TO BOTHER ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I WILL LITERALLY NEVER FUCKING FORGET IT. Fuck. I thought I was in the clear too I thought if he was GONNA REACT he would have done it already and then he fucking DIDNT. I just had he sinking feeling he was after me too. I fucking hate my life I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I am ugly and undeserving of love and I AM DISGUSTING AND WILL NEVER EVER BE OKAY. I hate myself so much and I put this off so long and it's my own fucking fault and I just can't deal with this. I fucking hate Myself. I hate myself. Everyone else is having a great night. Everyone. Except me. I was having too great a night. It was going too well just sitting here in my room grinning ear to ear and laughing with people. THAT WAS TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH GOOD VIBES IN ONE DAY and now we're here and my mood literally couldn't sink any lower like I have NO IDEA what to do right now because there is nothing in this fucking world that could cheer me up. Nothing will make me forget this. Nothing will bring me into a stable frame of mind. Absolutely nothing. God why am I the fucking worst thing in the world. I can't even enjoy sleeping tonight. How am I gonna drive to work tomorrow? Also FUCKING BULLSHIT that my phone isn't allowed in my lap. I WASNT FUCKING USING IT MY HANDS WEREN'T EVEN ON IT I WASNT EVEN TOUCHING IT. God this is the biggest bullshit Friday night ever and if I could kill myself and start over I fucking would like I hate this feeling of being like emotionally choked and not knowing what to do. I just feel BAD like there's no fixing today. There is absolutely no way to fix it. I just can't win. Doesn't matter what I do I will never win in the end and i will just keep being punished and keep losing. God this is the worst. The. Worst. It's fucking MAY. Nothing for my cosplayer is done and I don't even know if my Link costume is together anymore because I'm pretty sure it's all gone. Fuck me. Just fuck all of who I am as an individual. I just want to curl up and die because there's just nothing good about anything today I can't stand it. I just can't stand it. I just want to sleep and never wake up. My joy is all sucked up and gone and I was in SUCH A GOOD PLACE THIS MONTH SO FAR. But maybe this is a wake up call. Maybe I can learn and change. Kick myself into fucking gear. Learning experience. Twist this to make it positive. I wish I had taken that weed but nope I'm a fucking idiot. I always turn down weed when I NEED IT!!! NEVER WHEN I JUST WANT IT. OBJECTIVELY TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT WHEN I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN IT. Fucking goddammit me. The weed would have helped me calm down. I just want to die. Sleep and never wake up. I just want to be alone. But I need a distraction. I need something to take my mind off of everything that's just happened. Like this isn't something I can even debate with myself I NEED A DISTRACTION. DESPERATELY. Part of me says turn around and get the weed but NO. If anything they should fucking drive it to me. I'm never doing anything like that EVER again. Ever. I'm not going out after midnight. That ends. Today. Honestly it's for the best though because I was getting cocky and that's just not the smart thing to fucking do. Again, because I'm fucking stupid and hate myself. Now I'm thinking back on all the stupid shit I've done recently and I just want to fucking die ALL OVER AGAIN. I hope this mood goes away today because I might end up quitting my job and I just can't have that shit because I hate it. I. Hate. It. I need money to pay off this fucking ticket and to pay for the inspection and oil change. I need it. But I know this next paycheck I'm gonna get I won't be seeing ANY of it because it will be so small and I honestly might overdraft it anyways just on the car stuff alone. God I hate myself I had such a perfect record and ITS GONE. I bet my insurance is gonna go up really fucking high now and my low low rate is gonna disappear. Snap my fingers OOPS it's fucking gone. There it goes. Away from me. Forever. I hate myself I hate myself. Maybe cleaning will help. But why? Why do I still feel the need to cover for him when it was DOING HIM A FAVOR that got me stopped in the first place. I'm such an idiot. This as entirely my fucking fault for going in the first place. IF I HAD JUST SAID NO. I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID NO. I'm so mad. I'm so mad at myself. For being so stupid. For being so cocky as to think I could get away with doing this. For so long. HOW THE FUCK DID HE EVEN SEE IT. Was it the sticker or the phone he saw. Is what I wanna know. Really I'm not sure how he could have seen either. Belchertown cops check I guess. God I just wish I hadn't gone out. I had the gut feeling of don't. I knew. I knew tonight was the night I was gonna get stopped. I just fucking knew it. I literally hate my entire person.

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