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whyittsy-blog · 7 years ago

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FULL DOCUMENT

link to the original document which includes screenshots

Document titled: WHY LEX (AKA CATASTROPHICUR) IS SUCH A CATASTROPHE

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Let me first say that I did NOT want to do this and that although I’ve more than countless reasons to do a call-out post to drag someone (well-deserving of it) through the dirt, I will not because that isn’t who I am. However, I believe after all this time (precisely since Sept 5th) that I deserve to have a voice. There are plenty of you who have only been hearing one side of the story and begin to assume the situation. I’ve known Lex for a year and a half (precisely beginning March 27th, 2016).

They utilize the name catastrophicur, formerly known as moraldysplasia, whom consists of the character (or muse), Jude. I, on the other hand, played on the blog popokki and roleplayed a character named Gale. Now this is an important piece because a lot of problems derived from a media that was only meant to be and is ever meant to be utilized for entertainment. My rule of thumb is, if you aren’t having fun then something is wrong and you ought to fix it. And if it can’t be fixed, then there are ways to discontinue it by blocking/ignoring/etc. But most people are here to write, not everyone is here to make friends or something more than that. After writing with Lex for several months, we could see that there was a spark in our characters and began to ship them. Through the summertime in 2016, they had gone through treacherous occurrences dealing with a demigod, Gale being expelled from high school, Gale’s best friend/potential girlfriend went into a coma, Gale was ill with a plague, Jude and Gale ventured into the mountains to get a cure, only for Gale’s caretaker to wind up dead and his barn to be burned to smithereens by people that were after Jude, Jude disappeared for a time—and that leads me into saying that Lex had also disappeared for a time. They had left for approximately 3 months, between the time of September-December and I had patiently awaited their return without ever a single complaint. I merely understood that Lex is human and tumblr is just a medium for entertainment. So despite us having agreed that Gale and Jude were already a pairing, I did not let it affect me personally. Now, December 2016 rolled around and Gale was building bonds with another muse, Archer. Lo and behold, Lex returned with the intent to drive this new muse (Archer) apart from Gale. I didn’t think of it as a big deal because it added excitement to the roleplay, and this is just a roleplay, right? Wrong.

[screenshots referred to in this document available within the link above. Additionally, this post is rebloggable]

It’s 2017 now, me and Lex were talking frequently. And I mean on a daily basis. Lex often joked boldly, being flirty and I just laughed and played along. I personally did not know whether I was heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, asexual, or pansexual. I’m a 25-year old woman who has never had a serious relationship with anyone because I never felt chemistry to bring me to want to be closer with someone in that way. I’ve always been focused on my career, my family, and friends. (author note: She;s priming readers to sympathize with her even while the situation you’re about to read impacts her the least. Framing.)There was a time I didn’t even want to date because of my parents’ divorce/situation. But there were also many years where I dated around, had a single date and let the person know I was not interested within the next few days/weeks but I never made someone wait on me longer than a month. So I’m sure you can see where this is going. At the end of summer 2017, Lex is speaking freely to their family about potentially liking me – but every time Lex talks to me about it they said things like: “You might not like me”, “Once you see me, you’ll see I’m a gremlin and you won’t like me anymore”, and on voice call I clearly remember Lex saying to their family “We won’t know if we like each other until after we meet”. Now I wasn’t sure if I liked Lex either, I was curious and I reassured them that I’m not a shallow person. I wouldn’t just wind up not liking them due to appearance or something of that sort. I thought I knew their personality well enough and that would be enough for me. What I didn’t know is what my sexual orientation is and that it’s not that simple as telling myself to love someone. But I truly believed that there was potential, I truly believed that there was a spark, and I truly believed that we could perhaps one day live together. I spoke many times to one of my best friends that I’ve known since I was 12 (who doesn’t RP on tumblr), Grace, and let them know that I was thinking of this. I told them that I would be buying Lex’s ticket and they could come see me for a week so that we can really decipher if this is for us. But moreover, MOST importantly, *I didn’t want this to be all about judgement. I wanted me and Lex to have fun.* I wanted this to be a memory they could cherish and appreciate the idea of moving away from their family someday, to let them know that there’s so much more out there in this world than the one they currently live in. Why? Because every week there was always, always something wrong in their household. Whether it was the fact that Lex continues to struggle to get into college (because their mother won’t do the paperwork), because they struggled to get a job, got a job but it was through their mother and now they’ve to work with a shitty/creepy boss all the time,

( Sidenote: There are many mentions of other people throughout this but I’m going to take a minute to speak about Cami. Cami was another friend of mine that I cherished dearly and spoke with everyday. We’ve wrote since before me and Lex. We had so many great times together, I can’t even begin to count. We loved to watch movies/shows/etc together and the endless calls while I was driving were some of the best. Sadly, spring 2017 things fell apart between us. Cami had gone through a rough patch in life, in which I tried to help support them almost daily through the struggles they were going through even if it was only advice that I could provide. One day, they had said they were going to take more pills after I had said that I wasn’t feeling mentally OK to help them through what they were going through that day… and it was then, that I explained from my POV what was going on and that it was not OK for Cami to do that. It was push/pull from thereon and eventually, Cami had said she did not wish to be friends with me anymore. I said that was OK. A week or so later, Cami apologized and I was forgiving because I wanted to still be friends with them, I wanted to move past this rough patch and to go back to how things once were. But despite their apology, they let me know that it will take THEM time to mend before they can speak to me again. I was confused because… I was the one who was hurt by this. I later figured it was because they didn’t want to hurt me again, but I still found is peculiar that I would have to wait for them to get better before I could speak with them as friends again. People don’t often wait for that, people naturally move on as time goes on. But I waited, I waited three months to hear from Cami again and it wasn’t because she merely wanted to rebuild our bond… but we’ll get into that later. This screencap expresses that I wasn’t on the best terms with Cami but there were PLENTY of times when I would ask Lex, “why hasn’t Cami spoken to me again yet…? I just don’t understand…” because I truly did wish to be friends again. Anyway, moving on--)

Also they’ve a sibling that is potentially dangerous to the entire family from time to time, and the feeling of being STUCK despite being 23 years old. So yes, I took the time/effort/money into buying Lex an airplane ticket.

To tell you the truth the trip was fantastic. I always make it my mission to make it memorable and plan every day out—just as I did with Grace when she came to visit me in 2017 January. I had a lot of fun, I planned that we go see almost EVERY dog park that we could potentially go to because I know Lex’s passion for dogs. We went hiking and to lakes, we traversed/toured through MKE and really just had a great time. But there was undoubtedly that unspoken tension of whether or not we’d like one another. Unfortunately, the kind of chemistry that I was hoping to feel wasn’t there. Now yes, you’re probably thinking—“ love doesn’t happen at first sight”. I agree with that but for me, I needed some kind of pull or some kind of attraction. I didn’t know what it was and I was severely frustrated with myself. To further that notion, *I have severe anxiety (as does Lex). This however, plays into a major factor here that I am not bold and I’m very reserved, I can almost come off as shy to people who meet me in real life. I try very hard to keep so many people in my life and to keep everyone happy (not very realistic of me, I know), I do not want anyone to ever hurt especially because of me or because of simple/stupid mistakes, thus I’m careful about how I approach subjects/matters/situations. This apparently was unsettling for Lex**

once they returned on Sept 5th from visiting me. Lex returned Sept 5th and from there on, kept saying ‘something is off’.

I didn’t initially know what they meant because I figured that if we carried on, maybe JUST maybe we could continue to be friends without anything changing. It was a false hope. By the time they kept pressuring and stating day after day, something is off:

(This is potentially when Lex was already trying to get information out of me but I was just giving them solid advice/information that if they thought they could move TOMORROW, that wasn’t realistic. I had a couple relatives pass away that were close to me, I got a dog that caused us to have to move, and I am still living with my mother/supporting her. So it’s not exactly easy and so I got real with them about that in this snippet.)

(Ana was their ex-gf.)

I began to fret over the fact I didn’t feel any chemistry with them and I knew that was the reason that something was off. However, I wanted to have feelings for them but I knew I couldn’t control that, the idea of telling them that I didn’t scared me because I was afraid of losing them as a friend altogether. I was not only afraid of losing them but hurting them at all. I told myself, it was too soon to let them know what was ‘off’ when it had only been a day or two days from their visit (notice the dates in the previous screenshots). I knew if I had they would wonder to themselves ‘what did I do wrong?’, ‘was it my looks?’, ‘could I have done something different?’

Unfortunately, I admit that I let it drag on longer than I originally intended as it happened to be a week and a half from their visit. Which again, I do not believe is horrendous but it was through a bad method where I had posted a meme about myself on tumblr. A meme that expressed that I was ‘single4life, and that I didn’t like anyone romantically atm’. Now mind you, this was ONLY after Lex was beginning to say things that rubbed me the wrong way. There was mentions of Jude not liking that Gavriel (another muse of mine) was having interest in another muse, Shion played by Lettie. Mind you, Jude’s plotline did not at all align with Gavriel or Shion: (It starts out small but this begins to be a big problem in the future, where Lex starts to try to get in between Gavriel and Shion simply because they felt jealousy and were afraid of losing me.)

(But then I also noticed that Lex was implementing Jude into RPs with not only Shion in an almost aggressive approach, but Sy’s muse Myles. They claim to this day that Myles was not ill-intended but if Shion’s was ill-intended, then I still don’t know how to feel about Myles.) Below you get to see something else that rubbed me the wrong way:

Now I need to say what was going on in my daily life before I dive into the nitty gritty of the fall out of our friendship. Sept 5th was when Lex came to visit, I had 2 week off from work because I just got a new job at the American Red Cross and was going to start on Sept 11th. On the first week they had me drive 2 hours away from home and stay in a hotel with awful internet service, I lost my credit card so I had to figure out how to pay for gas/meals/etc by constantly driving out to a bank to withdraw money, I was homesick, I originally thought it was only for 2 days but they had me out there for 4 and no one actually knew what my true schedule was. Natheless, getting a career I could appreciate was a big milestone for me and as an introvert, I need alone time to recuperate/recharge my social battery but here ever since Lex got home I was spoke to them Sept 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, AND 10th. Not only was I starting my job but my childhood friend Tess, from IRL, was having her bridal shower Sept 16th. I didn’t have much money due to the gap in jobs and I wanted it to be the best for her. Tess also had her bachelorette party two weeks after that, on Sept 30th. And then her wedding weekend on October 15th. This is all important because these are weekends where I’m incredibly busy attending/focusing on people immediately in the same state as me and trying to cope with daily-life struggles. Now of course, I know Lex had IRL struggles, too, but I KNEW THIS and didn’t push them one way or another. I merely supported them as a friend.

It was when I sent them a snapshot on Sept 14th of my dogs reuniting after I had been on a work trip. I said specifically in the snap “Marley missed Gideon more than me!!” and Lex felt it was necessary to say “Don’t worry Marley, me too me too”. It was an obvious jab at me. It could have been joking, except that I expressed that it kind of hurt and even after I did that, they didn’t even care to apologize. Feeling somewhat upset over it, I regretted my latter action of posting a mun meme. Now when I posted this, I told myself that “we did not establish anything” and we didn’t. Couples verbalize when they are dating OR they make out OR they have sex multitudes of times… there has to be something to let both partners know that they are in a relationship. You can’t just assume that you’re in a relationship with someone ESPECIALLY when it was both clear before the trip that we weren’t sure if there would be any chemistry between us. Of course, I still do not agree with the fact I put it in a meme:

Now mind you, I had apologized for my actions and this does NOT measure up to the amount of things Lex does following this to intentionally hurt me. The truth of me not liking Lex unravels when they find out through the meme that I said I was single and not romantically interested in anyone on Sept 14th.

This is the entirety of the conversation:

(This screen capture shows the end of the night, leading into Sept. 17th.)

As you see here, I admitted my wrongdoings already. I admitted that I didn’t like Lex romantically but I wanted to continue being friends IF they still wanted that, too. They said that they did wish to be and so we went from there. It’d been awhile since we did anything fun together and I was hoping that we could smooth things over by doing some of the stuff we did before as friends; watching animes/shows, plotting, etc. So on Sept 17th this happened:

I want to make emphasis on the fact that here I mentioned I am not direct or bold. I would never hide from people or hide things from them. But I also WON’T TELL PEOPLE THINGS THAT DON’T INVOLVE THEM. It’s not everyone’s business to know what is going on in my life. I am not OBLIGATED to tell anyone ANYTHING unless if they are family, OR if I happened to be in a romantic relationship with them. On Sept 14th I had clearly put a meme out that I was single and not interested in anyone, Sept 17th I had clearly voiced my thoughts/feelings about Lex and from thereon, I don’t need to tell them what my sexual orientation is, or if I might try a dating app. I don’t need to tell them that I’m going to a wedding for my friend or that my sister had a baby, I don’t need to tell them anything that I don’t feel like telling. So don’t make this out like I cheated on you. Back to the timeline.

It’s clear that it was much too soon for me to be enthusiastic and hope that we could still be friends. I really did encourage that we did something together. When I was invited to a cah game, I got excited but it was all BNHA fandom… and I was really out of the loop. It was with a bunch of Lex’s fandom friends and I was awkwardly trying to get through the puns/jokes that I didn’t get just to hang out with Lex.

At this point in time, Lex went on to make a new muse – Stain. Now I knew this was to get some fresh air from Jude’s blog and I could appreciate that. Nor did I ask for them to tell me about it and I wouldn’t have minded if I had never known about it. Even to this day, I haven’t had a single interaction with their muse Stain or their other muse that’s a doctor (or something).

I do want to point out that after a certain time, Lex almost felt BLIND to my problems and only voiced their own. I gratefully took them on, trying to give advice and trying to be supportive with everything they encountered.

Around this time, Lex decidedly makes a group chat between me, Lettie, and themselves. This group chat was solely for the purpose of trying to get Jude in between Gavriel and Shion. Lex has openly admitted that in the future after I noticed something was fishy and I had genuinely stated that we should have split verses for Shion. This created an uproar from Lex. Now mind you, I had every reason to do this because . Read the following content at your own discretion and know that none of it is edited. I’m to tired for any of this and to be downright honest, this makes me think I’m in high school all over again (except it’s worse). I’ll say snippets on each portion but otherwise take what you seI also received snippets of Lex going behind my back, speaking with other people I wrote with or knew. Muhu, Lettie, Cami, and Sy. Now I hardly know Sy but the other three I knew well enough to feel uncomfortablee in for yourself. I have said to Lex before, no one is at fault. I truly believed that until their continued ill-intent was impossible to get passed and after we had our fall out where I originally blocked them for a day and they posted a call-out post of me – they then later apologized for it and said they wanted to talk it through? Well great, I unblocked them and talked it through. Even despite the crumby feeling of them going behind my back, talking shit about me to other people – going as far as to say that they were trying to figure out a way to be mean to me, as if devising plots to hurt me. I don’t understand or see how they’re getting away with just sitting over there playing pityparty all day long. Only I can see it because I’ve been quiet, silent and keeping it BETWEEN me and Lex. I only spoke to people I knew wouldn’t go blabbing to Lex or anyone else about it. I spoke with people I knew weren’t even on tumblr to vent, because I do believe in venting. But I didn’t mislead people or try to get them into the middle of it. And continue to do to this day. As it’s proven by both Cami and Muhu, who have gone behind my back to share information about my life to Lex. This should NOT involve other people but I see that continuing to twiddle my thumbs behind a gd screen and hoping people will be logical is not doing me any good. Here is when Lex admitted they were having inferiority complexes and this was the night before the bachelorette party (9/22):

Here is when I noticed that Lex was trying to get in between my muse and Lettie’s. And if not between our muses, he was going to play on the idea of Jude getting with Shion and/or Myles in replacement of Gale, as if I should be bothered by it. AKA they were looking for a reaction (10/05):

It was also (10/05) later that same day that Lex felt they needed to say something. This was them expressing that they felt things weren’t getting any better and by now, I’m hearing things from third parties of what Lex is doing behind my back. Things that are harsh and volatile. Things that are MEANT to hurt me. But despite my greater efforts to be friends with Lex and hoping they will heal from knowing I don’t like them that way (a month ago), they come to me saying this:

(I want to note that Lex is clearly expressing they are frustrated that I’m not giving them enough attention/speaking with them daily? Even though I shouldn’t have to feel obligated to do that. Nor should a friend feel as though I have to speak with them daily just to be friends. I knew that they were still hurting from hearing that I didn’t like them, so I did want to give them the space that THEY asked for but I got to hear more that… ultimately made my next decision.) However, on 10/08, I saw evidence through screenshare that Lex was speaking behind my back to people that I wrote with on tumblr rather closely and it wasn’t just one person but multiple people. It was then that I decided that I needed to step away from it all a few days later. That something wasn’t right and things weren’t improving despite it being a whole month since we last saw each other. So I made a decision that I believed would be most healthy for both of us and would be the most adult like decision. Instead of calling them out or going and venting to people that I know are close to Lex/would have them have second thoughts about Lex, I spoke with them directly (excuse the highlights, I had to use the ‘search’ key to find it on discord):

So here’s the call out post they made about me after I blocked them (10/10):

And then when they admitted that they were wrong:

*And then more proof that they weren’t really just obsessed with me but obsessed with my character more than ever, that I just felt like I didn’t matter:*

It was then that Cami who I haven’t spoke to in MONTHS came into my messenger and demanded answers from me. I again, don’t owe anyone anything. We, too, have had hardships and I have been hoping for many months that Cami would come speak with me. So that we could smooth things out, so we could rebuild our friendship and make it something stable again. So why, why do you believe that you had the right to come to me and demand that I speak with you about Lex? It was clear to me you were only concerned about Lex and that anything I said to you, would travel to Lex. More third-party crap and I didn’t want to be like that, I didn’t want to be like Lex where I was telling the whole fucking world about our problems. I wanted US to fix it. I want US to be friends again.

No thanks to Cami butting in, but I originally felt bad. I am human and I wanted to give them another chance to be FRIENDS with me. Now mind you, my trust has been violated and broken by them countless times at this point. Just because I let them back into my life again did not mean I was friends with them once more. We had to work on rebuilding that trust still, we had to mend our broken bridges, and that takes time. But that also means there’s no way in the world that I’m going to tell you about my daily life, my social life, my work life, my family, and other friends, etc. I’m probably just going to try to have fun with you in the present by playing games, watching movies, plotting/writing, and not sharing my personal life with you anymore. Why? Because we aren’t dating, we were hardly friends, and we were basically acquaintances—or worse, ex friends trying to be friends again. So what in your right mind makes you think I’m going to tell you about the fact that I’ve made new friends IRL? And that one of those people I’ve developed a crush on, and he’s got NOTHING to do with you. (anon note: withholding this information isn’t bad. Whitholding information that allows people to make informed decisions and then reacting to their uninformed decisions as if they should have known information deliberately witheld is what creates problems)

Now before I dive into that subject, I have to mention the one that happened RIGHT before another drama shitstorm happens. This one involves me having a hard time pulling my muse together and writing on Gale or Gavriel in tumblr (within good reason after the many months of bologna). I have been working on another muse for a time that’s away from all the drama, away from people that unfortunately tire me tf out. That’s not abnormal. That’s why Lex made Stain or their other muse doctor, person. Which they had to smudge in my face that Cami was making themes for them, which they did say that it was only because they weren’t talking to me but rather sleeping while Cami made them a theme. Doesn’t matter, it makes me cringe because they said things like this about Cami:

And I can’t be entirely faultless either as I’ve played into it some but within reason of my relationship with Cami being so shaky. Me wanting to talk to them but instead they would only be talking to Lex. And I would just hear on occasion that Cami wanted to come speak with me but still hadn’t. It was frustrating and I was sad at the time whenever I heard it. Moving on, I asked Cami after we DID start talking again if they wanted to make me a theme for my new muse. I did approach it as a business, not as friends since I knew we still had to build bridges. Thus, I had offered a good sum of money. They still declined and added that they only make themes for friends, not for money. So I was basically shut down, which was fine, I brushed it off. Until they went behind my back to tell Lex. Again, not something that Lex needed to know—not something I was obligated to tell them when we were still working on our friendship to begin with. And it’s not like I told Tess my childhood friend that I was making a new blog, I didn’t tell ALL my other friends on tumblr that I was making a new blog either, just the people I was getting along with for some space and hopefully you can understand that at this point why (11/12):

So in this, we find out that Cami was the one that leaked information to Lex about my new blog and that set Lex going off on me when I told them I wanted to take a break from Gale & Gavriel. And I finally decided after all this craziness, that we’re in our mid twenties and we’re fighting like children. We’re all TIRED but I’m more tired of the fact everyone has only seen the story through one lenses. I went to Cami afterward to tell them not to share my conversations with other people that do not need to be involved (11/12):

Anyway enough of that evidence. I found out that I really do like a guy (this sounds sudden doesn’t it? it sounds like it shouldn’t be related to this entire problem, should it? well…). That’s right. On PRECISELY Sept 28th, I decided to try my bumble app again. I opened it up and while I was passing through a city, a particular guy piqued my interest. Now, when you first meet someone you aren’t automatically dating. We didn’t establish anything EVEN TO THIS DAY but after last weekend, I’m sure that we’re at least both romantically interested in each other. And I can FINALLY say after the month of October (not even September), that I know I’m heterosexual. Weekend after weekend after going to Tess’s wedding on Oct 14th, I was hanging out with this guy and his friends. I didn’t know if we were friends or something more until last weekend (Nov 11th). That’s TWO WHOLE MONTHS from when I let Lex know that I was not interested in them romantically.

So I don’t know why Muhu felt it was necessary to expel this to Lex (11/13):

Or why they felt they could write a novel on me when they only know half (if it’s even half the truth) of the story (11/13):

Oh BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE. So on top of Muhu feeling it was within their hands/morals to tell Lex something that really didn’t matter after we already spoke and blocked another. I get ANOTHER message from Cami demanding for information. Well fine. Here. Have it. I’m done trying to keep my mouth closed and protect peoples’ feelings.

(And you know what Cami? All that I can remember or think about is that you sound JUST like Forza.)

SO NOW that everyone has gotten their share of thought/side of the story/pov across. I know who my real friends are. I know who I can trust. Unfortunately, I can’t trust you. So goodbye.

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