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The Popcorn Theft or Why Ghosts Are The Worst

Hyello my friends. It’s me. S. Back at it again with the late posts.

I teased you all quite tantalizing-ly with a morsel of a story as to some douchey schnoz-bucket who tried to thieve my heart and my popcorn maker. Suffice it to say that he was successful with neither of those endeavours, one of which was for lack of trying, and one of which was because I got in touch with my crazy side. I shall describe both of these over the course of this post.

Let us begin by taking you back to the beginning, Vizzini. (sidenote: if you don’t get my Princess Bride reference, I’m ashamed of you). It all started with the completion of my nursing school prison release and with our favourite hookup app (that I mistakenly think is a dating app all the time and it gets me in trouble equally as often) Tinder. Why do I keep using Tinder when it’s basically an app that allows you to feel superior and inferior all at the same time? Because it’s easy, that’s why. 

Me (with too much power) : I judge thee unworthy!! Left swipe!!

I judge thee acceptable! Right swipe!

I judge thee unworthy!! Accidental right swipe!! Shit shit shit shit shit!!!! REGRETS!!!

 I judge thee fucking insanely good looking and am intimidated by you, therefore left swipe!

You know how it goes. I also use it because I get bored very easily and now I live alone, so it’s kind of a perfect storm of bad decisions and regret. However, at time of this story C and I were still living together, but she was happily dating a guy and wasn’t around as much to police my impending bad decisions to go on a date with a guy that I wouldn’t normally have gone on a date with. Now here is where I admit to you all something I do not voice out loud except to close friends who love me and don’t think I’m a shallow jackass. This is an official disclaimer that when I tell you the reasons why I went on a date with this guy, you will think I’m a shallow jackass. I’ve made peace with this, and so should you because you love me and I’m adorable and I’ve made you laugh over the course of this blog and I’m betting at one point in your life you also made a similar decision with a similar mindset, so.. whatever. I went on a date with this particular guy because in my estimation he was below my league. I had gained a bit of weight in nursing school, I was still a little bit mentally destroyed from the whole thing, and I needed a win. I needed a big ol’ ego boost from a chubby guy who looked like he’d be funny and also grateful that a pretty girl like me (yes I said it) would right swipe and let him be witness to the glory that is S.

So I right swiped. And he right swiped! And we matched by the powers of the Tinder gods of love. 

Or something.

Anyway, we matched, we talked, I made him laugh, we talked about onesies. He took me to a football game (and took it way too seriously), held my hand when the fireworks went off, and magic was made. The following three dates were even more magical with magic increasing exponentially on all of the dates ever in the world, and surprise surprise, we ended up happily ever after and we’re now married, yay congrats!!!!

Just kidding.

No.

The real story is that while I was looking for someone to love and cherish and hold dear (read: boost my ego for a bit), this man was looking to fulfill what I can only believe to be a lifelong dream to become the spooky ethereal creature of legend: the ghost. After our fourth date, his dream began to take shape in the form of holding my popcorn maker hostage (which I accidentally left at his place after a movie night) while he slowly disappeared from this world. We had made plans to go to dinner on a Friday evening after work. I didn’t hear from the guy, despite very cute texts from me. I showered, I put on makeup, and goddamit I shaved my legs hoping that the date was still a go, but still, no peeps from this goober. Perhaps too late, I realized I was being stood up. First I felt silly, and then hungry, and then hangry, then doubtful (maybe he didn’t have his phone? maybe I got the day wrong? maybe he had to work late?), then silly again for believing that any of that shit would matter if you actually wanted to get in touch with someone, which then channeled itself into its final form of an overwhelming anger at the fact that I might never see my popcorn maker again. Clearly I went a little nuts. I won’t go into too much detail, but I did get my popcorn maker back by not letting up and essentially not giving him an option, and frankly that’s all that matters. He doesn’t matter. He’s not... matter.  

Because he’s a ghost. Get it? Not matter? 

Never mind.

To summarize: Popcorn is everything. Ghosts are nothing. IF you have the opportunity to be either, choose popcorn every time, Colonel Kernel.

Ok I love you byeeeeee

<3

-S

**I should probably state that I actually did find a guy on Tinder who isn't even a little bit of a sleaze ball and he’s great and I’m totally smitten. So... not single anymore, but I can still share single horror stories with you because I’VE GOT SO MANY.

[whywersingle]

Hiatus of the highest world order

Hello fans and readers of the world and, specifically, this blog. It has been a while. Hello. It’s nice to see you again, you look really good. Have you lost weight? Did you gain weight? :S... Did you get a hair cut? Maybe six hair cuts? I know it’s been many a moon since we last talked and I’m sorry for that. It doesn’t really matter why I haven’t been in touch, just know that I missed you and thought about you almost never. Until today. 

I suppose I should catch you up on the goings-on of our lives for the past, like, year and a half. I stopped writing in the blog because I started dating someone, and then my authenticity was questionable (can’t very well write in a blog about being single if you aren’t single even a little bit). And then that relationship didn’t work out, but then C started dating someone, and SHE couldn’t very well write in the blog for the same reason that I couldn’t write in the blog. And let’s face it; I didn’t feel right to write without her. She was my true other half. She brought out my silly, goofy, hilarious-in-public side. It’s only funny to be a loser in public if you have someone to laugh about it with, otherwise you’re just being a loser in public. And let’s not forget that I was still in school, getting more and more depressed by the day because, #realtalk, school is the absolute worst and no one should ever go there (just kidding, it has its value, but I’m still suffering from PTSD over the whole thing... let’s not go into it right meow). And then come November C and I dissolved our living situation; I needed to move closer to work and so did she. Time went by and we went about our lives, and I have to admit that I forgot all about our little blog. I thought about it once in a while when a boy that meant a lot to me was leaving for another country, or a boy that meant very little tried to steal my popcorn machine (more on that story later, promise). I had definitely thought about writing an entry when I had broken up with the guy that I stopped writing in this blog for, but it was too sad to write about at the time. But recently, something inspired me to take a little stroll down the memory lane of our blog. After laughing so hard and crying with how funny we were, I realized how much I missed writing these little blips for (basically no one) you all.

So. Despite the fact that I have nothing going on in my life really, and  am still utterly and deplorably single, I’ve decided to start writing again. Just because I’m single now doesn’t mean that I don’t have foibles to tell you from my brief forays into Relationship Towne (here I’m using the Towne with an ‘e’ to demonstrate how long ago these relationships took place. I’m sure you picked up on that anyway, but just in case, I thought I’d be clear). Some of the stories are... gross. But if I don’t share them with you, complete strangers, who would I share them with?

Anyway, all of this to say that I’m fucking back in the game. Hopefully AS funny as before, if only because I’m older and wiser and darker because now I’m a nurse and have a sick sense of humour. 

Ta ta, my pretties. Love you all!

But remember, boys and girls, that my love is conditional, so don’t fuck up.

;)

-S

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Seriously, why are we still single??  Would you just LOOK at how cute we are.  C, all supportive of tentree, and me, also being there in the photo.  It’s like there’s a blog out there or something that is telling people why they shouldn’t date us or something...

This is us at the Folk Fest that I mentioned before but then never mentioned again on here for no particular reason *cough* laziness *cough*. We climbed many a hill through many a drunk person and got maybe a little contact high from the many people smoking the much stinky stuff, but it was a really awesome day.  Super beautiful out, not mosquito-ey in a way that would necessitate a blood transfusion, and soooo much frozen lemonade :D.  

I also like that C made this collage with the photograph of her that I tried to bomb.  She has such excellent taste, that girl.

Ok byeeeeee! <3

-S

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C: This was the perfect midnight snack... Wait... Is it midnight? S: Nope. But it's closer to midnight than it is to noon. Always got my back. Xx

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Happy Birthday to us!

Ok, ok, BELATED birthday to us.  Whatever.  I’ve been busy living my sweet life doing all the things and hanging out with cool people.....

HA.  Just kidding.  I’m on holidays, therefore I have no legitimate reason to put on pants. But anyway.

It has been a pretty good year, I think!  I’ve been mostly a loser because of school, having mental breakdowns and generally spending all of my time studying and slowly gaining mass in the form of cheese, bread, and extended Netflix sessions (I just won the award for watching Netflix everyday for a month, talk about doing something productive with your life). But there have been some shining moments between C and me that we’ve documented (maybe more sporadically than in the past but I refer you above to my being a loser in school thing).  

So we’re going to celebrate our birthday by going to the Folk Fest!  Neither of us will know what to wear, bring, eat, drink (jk, we always know what to drink), and we’ll generally be the noobs that run into you looking for a place to sit, but doggamit we’ll have a good time anyway. Plus my singer crush (Danny Michel) will be there and I always try and see him whenever he’s in town.  I’m sure we’ll create some memories that are embarrassing and good examples as to why we’re single, and hopefully they are SO embarrassing that we can share them with you, internet!

So.  Happy Birthday to us!

Also, we got a cat.  His name is Chaplin, and he wears a bowtie.

Ok love you byeeeeee <3

-S

[whywersingle]

The Harmonics

Oh hey there Internet... I want to let you in on a little secret. You can't tell anyone ok? Mostly because we don't want to wreck the hopes and dreams of millions of people who put all their eggs into the "singer" basket. Ok? Ok.

S and I have this thing... Well, it's one of our many things... But this is, like, THE thing; we like to sing. Not only do we sing, we harmonize... And tonight!!!, we did our first mash-up (#epicdreams). 

This mash-up blended super old songs that brought back feelings of nostalgia with less old songs that brought us back to our teen years (those are still pretty old songs but don't you dare comment on it). You want to know what they were? Should I tease you a bit first? Give you a taste and then pull back?

Nah, you’re right. I’m no good at those games. So, without further adieu... the title. Drumroll please............................... The Glamorous Sam-ie. 

Think Barry Manilow’s song Mandy blended perfectly with Fergie’s Glamorous! Ya, that happened. And it was epic. 

As I began to sing a very personalized version of Mandy, S mumbled something along the lines of “oh, this one is my favourite”, and I didn't quite get what she meant until she showed me something wonderful. Four(?) blissful years ago, when S and I first met, I was having a rough day at work, and she could see it. Apparently, I have created a habit of writing notes to people (usually inappropriate, but there are fleeting moments of hilarity).

So here is to throwing it back, mashing it up, and taking full advantage of the fact that we are single and able to be complete fools at every possible moment.

Here is to you, S. May your day be ever filled with notes from me because for Fuck’s sake.....

Okay Byeee

-C

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Objectifying Ourselves

Who needs men to objectify us when we can do a much better (and more accurate job)? Today, S and I started joking around about how we have to slowly let people see our weirdness.. you know, like layer it on, bit by bit so as to no scare away the majestic “attractive, intelligent, athletic, funny, straight, single man”. 

Sam opened my eyes a bit.. She said “You know? I like to give them small doses. Let them get a feeling for what they are buying so when they get it home they aren’t so surprised that it has this totally other side”  And so began another one of our infamous rants.... 

“oh.... this product was damaged...”

“SO THAT’S why it was on sale...”

“no returns? fuck”

“I guess I could paint it a different color... maybe add some decorative pieces to it? dress it up a bit?.... “

“Its defected... defected... dyefected... Deeefected... difected...  I don't know where the emphASSes goes..”

“Are we made in North Korea and escaping?”

okay byyeee

- C

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How romantic!

-S

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Because I like jokes like this.

-S

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The Revenge.

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The Reveal.

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The Capture.

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An Embarrassment of Riches...

Sometimes in this life you might find yourself in a situation in which you are doing something maybe a little bit weird. Maybe it’s saying something that perhaps could’ve been phrased just a little bit better. Maybe you’re using a weird voice  You might even be doing a dance that the world really isn’t ready for.  Who knows?  In the past, you had the grace of limited technology to let this moment pass, if not unnoticed, then at least but a brief moment in time that your friends can laugh about until they forget. However, in this day and age someone, somewhere (maybe even the person standing next to you) is taking a snapchat and unwittingly (or wittingly… there are some devious people in this world) captured your shining moment and put it out for the world to cherish.

Fear not.

You’re not alone.

We’ll get through this.  You. Me.  And C.

Can I honestly say that I’m above this? That I would never be so horrible as to capture a vulnerable moment and exploit it for my own pleasure?  No. Can I agree that I’ll never do it to you, internet?  Also, no. See I’ve been the victim of a lot of these accidental snapchat moments. I don’t blame C, I just apparently have this need to be a fucking weirdo and it gets captured on video and she’s only being responsible by saving the video for future use (my wedding? lol yea ok right). And so today I retaliated, and I don’t regret a single moment of it. I think it’s only fair though that I share with you a shining moment of me as well as C, because balance is the key to a good relationship and goddamn it’s funny. So the following videos are for you.  I’d post them in this particular piece of text, but Tumblr doesn’t really allow that unless they are from YouTube or Vimeo, and that’s just a different level of effort.  So.  Enjoy!

<3

S 

[whywersingle]

The Reoccurrence of The Old Chair

I’m not sure what it is, but something about an old chair that used to sit in your Grandparents farmhouse just calls to me.

Something you should know about our apartment: at one point 90% of the furniture that filled it was given to us. FREE... thats my favourite price. Now, as you have lived this turbulent journey with us, you know that much of the cash flow in this apartment has been directed towards bookshelves; bringing our ratio of free:owned furniture down to about 2:1.

But there is a special place in my heart for a particular piece of furniture in this apartment. Something about the smell of the must, grain dust, and years of love make this Old Chair call to me.... and.. when I hear it’s whisper I can't help but fall onto it - in whatever position that may be.

Now, the first time S witnessed this, I wasn't quite sure what was happening either. Something took hold of my body and pushed me over the back of the chair - smashing my face into the seat - and throwing my legs towards the ceiling; “Ass Over Tea Kettle” is an accurate representation of the sequence of events. But, did I move? did I try to adjust? .... I hope you know me better than that by now! Of course not! I just lay there, basking in the aroma of mildew. 

Since then, many o’ positions have I met on this Old Chair... few that have defeated me. Let me share with you a little bit of S’s gallery into the Old Chair Congruence

We all remember John, our female house cat, right? She eventually found her stoop and held up camp until my face was on the verge of exploding due to blood over flow. Shark week in my head.

These two are my favourite, not only because I have found a completely unexplainable way to lay on the Old Chair, but this is also your first introduction to Igor, my food baby. He’s friendly, most of the time. But sometimes he likes to move and wiggle like those unborn baby monsters in an eight month pregnant lady’s belly... anyyywayys….

The latest video rivals that of any photo proof of my love for this chair. Unfortunately, Tumblr has forbidden me to add it to this post. I have rearranged and added it below. Do not miss that.. I repeat... Do not skip over the next video. It is the epitome of why I was, continue to be, am forever accepting of the fact that I am single.    

-C

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This, my friends is the latest version of the ever-so-lovely-adventures-of-the-Old-Chair.

Behold, how it consumes S and I with pure joy.

-C

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When you go to a party where you don’t really know anyone, so you take a lot of photos that make people question your sexuality.

...that is unless you’re me and you make out with a random guy whose name you don’t know just because he keeps trying to attack your face anyway and you kind of just let him have his moment....

....and then later when you ignore him he tries to attack your roommate’s face....

...and then later later tries to get your attention again but like, dude seriously I saw you, who are you even kidding??

Lol.  Ok byeeeeee <3

-S

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C... C, stop swiping left.

S, during a late night tinder binge.