whywontvulcanseatreplicatormeat

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“laughter is the best medicine” WRONG. hormone replacement therapy.

[whywontvulcanseatreplicatormeat]

My casino has new top-of-the-line technology to stop heists: a montage detector. If those bastards want to break in and steal my money, they’re doing it as part of one, long take

[whywontvulcanseatreplicatormeat]

met a woman today whose original real actual given-at-birth first name is "Vendetta." ma'am are you aware you are a videogame protagonist and/or a character in a skullduggery pleasant novel. real quick sorry to bother you miss but who exactly were your parents expecting you to avenge in their name

[whywontvulcanseatreplicatormeat]

somewhere out there right now is a kid with curly hair being raised by people who have wavy hair at best and those people are giving them 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner and telling them to dry brush it. and that kid is gonna spend all of middle school and high school hating their hair and moping over the flat iron. they're being told right now that if they don't dry-brush their curl pattern into oblivion every morning it means they're unkempt and gross even though they naturally have the kind of ringlets that a thousand bridezillas would commit horrible murders for every june. it's happening right now it's an absolute epidemic and a tragedy every time

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Looking

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a funny thing about having a Problematic Blorbo is that you'll periodically come across a post along the lines of "um let's not forget that [Blorbo] is a bad person..." listing their various crimes, and if you have a modicum of intellectual honesty you find yourself nodding along and saying yeah it's true... but it's the greyness of their character that makes them so compelling... At the same time though you have a little Saul Goodman in your ear going "your honor in their defense: who cares like omfgggg who caresssssss like come onnnnnn"

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they should invent a me who is not exhausted by simply being alive

[whywontvulcanseatreplicatormeat]

Being the only bi cis guy amongst almost exclusively trans friends and peers is wild because in theory its like im living in a horny manga where all of a dudes friends turn into hot babes, but in reality they are hunting me like the last bison on the prairie. 5 years ago I mentioned bionicle and one of them asked when I was starting estrogen.

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vulcan horror movies would be an exercise in emotional regulation against fear, targeted directly at vulcans' deepest insecurities. movies titled "IT IS ILLOGICAL TO QUIVER AT THIS SEQUENCE OF EVENTS" which, if one of its hundred-and-six jumpscares gets you, you'll never live it down. humans find them annoyingly scary, like a friend who won't stop trying to "get" you.

you'd think that klingon horror movies are gorefests, but it's actually quite the opposite: gore is honorable, and nothing is scarier than dishonor. they often show a person whose life falls apart despite their own valiance and virtues: like an earth tragedy but with someone who clearly doesn't deserve it. at the end, there's often an operatic number where the protagonist exclaims that there's nothing they could have done to prevent their abysmal fate.

ferengi horror movies are documentaries about stock market crashes

[whywontvulcanseatreplicatormeat]

Because sometimes we all just need to see a guy head-bump a beautiful Beluga whale

[whywontvulcanseatreplicatormeat]

okay now that we’ve a had couple lesbian blockbusters and milfs are having a romance moment, we need to bring back the manic pixie dream girl. she was never fuckin suited to fixing all the problems of some boring twenty year old everyman, but you know who could actually benefit from a quirky free-spirited blue haired girl with pronouns (she/they)? a newly divorced forty-something mom who’s trying to learn how to be herself for the first time in her life

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Every once in a while I think about how the Swiss have the cachet of “good chocolate” and Italy and France have the “good coffee” and well I don’t even really have the energy to get mad about it anymore

[whywontvulcanseatreplicatormeat]

"What came first, the chicken or the egg?" Asked the sphinx. To which you answer: "The egg. It's the egg." You need to spend an hour explaining descent with modification before it begrudgingly acquiesces.

[whywontvulcanseatreplicatormeat]

Whenever I’m on the street children throw large pebbles at me and say “This is only somewhat due to your bad tumblr posts. There are multiple reasons for this.”

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Some time ago (I think in 2021) I had to go see a neurologist over really scary symptoms that resembled seizures. I was a nervous wreck about what I was feeling and had barely slept all week, which seemed to be apparent to the doc’s assistant when I sat down in the exam room for questioning or whatever. Dude was pretty young and soft spoken, around my age. He was laser focused doing something on one of those tablet-laptop Surface things as I spoke, presumably writing down my symptoms.

Midway through talking about my symptoms my voice audibly started shaking as I was describing them, clearly upset.

In the middle of my monologue he turns the tablet to face me, closes whatever program he has open and the wallpaper is this fucking collage of pictures of lord farquaad from shrek, lovingly decorated. Dude just sat there placidly smiling at me until I noticed and stopped dead in the middle of a sentence. We sat there in silence like this for like a solid minute before I started wheezing laughing. Before I could even say anything else or process it he picked up the tablet and wordlessly left the room, and I just sat there dumbfounded until the doctor showed up. 10/10 doctor experience tbh

I didn’t own a cell phone at the time to get a photo so this rendition from memory is all I can provide you

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My company has a specialist division that supports education around sexual rights for cognitively impaired elders and provides funding and products to assist older people living with dementia to get off.

So I was in the office and one of the blokes who works in the sex part of the company got off the phone and stood up to complain (which happens often, if you're pissed off you stand up and get it out of your system). And he goes, "this care home called me to organise a sex worker to come over and fuck their sexually uninhibited little old lady. Took me a whole hour to talk them down from it. This woman has spent her whole life married to one man, lived on a mulitgenerational farm, and is fucking Catholic. She's not gonna know what to do with a prostitute! Can you imagine it? She'll be terrified! She just wants a vibrator! I'm gonna get her one." He sits back down still muttering about it, "imagine it, some guy going all magic Mike while she has a panic attack. Ridiculous plan. Once they hear I might pay for a sex worker they just want that. I think it's morbid curiosity. Good god."

He also told me about a day where he had two orders for a dildo for an elderly man, where both referrals were due to the men putting coat hangers up their arseholes. He investigated both and one he was like, yep, openly gay man, that's sexual interest, we'll get him a dildo. The other one tho, he had chronic constipation and my colleague called the care home back to yell at them to get him clinically managed, since he was probably just trying to void. Like. Imagine needing to take a shit and a nurse gives you an anal dildo. Wild. The work this guy does. I admire it