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wildlyunderrated · 5 years

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ONE DAY AT A TIME SENTENCE STARTERS, s01e04-06.

uh, this is my third coat.

what do we think? over the top?

lady, you look great.

people don’t hook up with their uber driver, unless they want to be part of a very unfortunate story in the news.

but you’re not gonna murder me and throw me in the trunk, right?

i’m a little hyped up, if you can’t tell.

just have fun.

no pressure.

a first date is two hearts parched in the desert, quenching forever their thirst for amor.

wait, what?

and i was about to enter the heart of the hurricane.

and i’m circling the block.

you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

what is it like to be so loved?

i know your date’s not gonna be that good.

you know, she still talks to him out loud.

he’s dead.

i’m kinda jealous of him.

i'mma give you five stars.

i can’t tell you what it took just to get to this moment.

i used to be in the army, but i don’t wanna get off track.

i was thinking of walking the aisles of target to see if i can make any new friends.

no, literally, my name is on every bill.

what’s happening?

at your age, i would literally kill myself.

i felt that one in the gut.

sometimes when i wanna splurge, i get the betty crocker omelet for two, for one.

you’re forgetting about the best part about being single.

oh, i didn’t know there was an app called “disappointment”.

i really appreciate all the advice but i’m good.

i guess there are some things i miss.

there are hot men out there with big packages and you know whose name is on those big packages? mine!

i don’t know what that means, but it sounds sad.

i’m about to have my first date in 20 years, and right now you’re my therapist, so i need you to keep up.

i’m a snowman.

snowman means right now i look good because it’s still winter and everything is where it’s supposed to be, but spring is a comin’ girl, and all of this is about to melt.

you look amazing!

gimme your vibe.

maybe he’s too cute.

maybe he won’t think i’m cute.

maybe i’m not even a snowman anymore.

maybe i’ve melted.

am i just a puddle, a carrot, and a magic hat?

i don’t know why i’m so freaked out!

how the hell do i do this?

do i like? do i swipe?

do i put someone in my cart?

it’s like watching a baby bird learn to fly.

you were my only option.

are you sure you wanna do the online thing?

you could try a bathroom stall, but that’s a little sketch.

listen.

you do you, but you’re a mother now.

i’m not looking to have sex with someone.

i helped turn a couple boys to men.

no one wants to see your kids.

do you have some paper so i could write this down?

a guy in a uniform.

and you have a date tonight.

he’s probably already forgotten about your date and moved on to someone whose bicycle isn’t wearing sneakers.

i’m really bad at photoshop.

if my family finds out, it’ll be a disaster.

maybe just don’t tell ‘em?

look at me in the eye here.

just texted nunchucks guy and i think we’re gonna hang.

hey, can i get that toilet paper i asked for five minutes ago?

talking about my boobs!

curled, sprayed, plucked!

i am hairless. and i am here.

that’s a myth started by big wax.

i thought my boyfriend was going to propose to me tonight and he didn’t.

we gotta hug this out.

are you kidding me?

don’t take this the wrong way, but your problems are nothing.

whoever you marry, he’ll be rich.

wait, i thought your family didn’t know.

red lipstick is for putas.

ah, of course, hoochie.

i’m not having this conversation.

keep your voice down because the kids can’t know.

mostly what i’m hearing if i have to up my grooming game.

it’s well documented that women in their late 30s are in their sexual prime.

you’re too okay with it.

first of all, i’m not a gossip.

when you’re done thinking, can i have $100?

i don’t know, just give me $100!

first of all, you need a plan.

second of all, i need to approve the plan.

i don’t know any of these people!

i’m, like, buzzing.

is this what gossip is?

i’m not talking to you.

your papi would never say these things about you.

it would be nice to have your support.

i suppose there is nothing wrong with having dinner with a friend who is a man–

if you wanna have a second dinner, wear the red lipstick.

i finally forced myself out of the house and overcame an expected, yet still surprisingly strong anxiety attack.

we didn’t get a chance to talk much, but you seem cool.

you can start me off with a drink.

i went through hell to get here tonight.

have you see her, by the way?

please tell me she’s eating something.

do you know what you want?

i’m not gonna see him again.

why do you know that?

what happened to your face?

it’s hard to turn it off.

why do you like that kid again?

i wanna be straight with you.

i don’t want those gossiping hens to hear.

i realized what i wanted wasn’t a date.

i’m pretty sure there’s gonna be a next time at some point.

are you okay with that?

stop talking to your sister!

tell her to stop talking to me!

dating is super weird.

i don’t really want a girlfriend.

something else you wanna talk to me about?

did you steal something?

did you damage something?

did you pee on something cause you were mad and then later you were like, “i shouldn’t have done that”?

who does that?

these are just general examples!

what did you do?

i used one of your razors and cut myself.

i have no idea what i’m doing.

oh, she lied.

there was no date.

you don’t look sorry.

they broke the mold when they made you.

that’s why i married you.

she’s on a date.

the day every mother dreams of, when her daughter grows a vampire head.

we took a little power nap.

i take power naps, too, it’s called blinking.

we take in all strays.

except for cats.

all they do is study.

that friendship is a little bit, eh..

i think there’s something a little bit, uh, queer.

it’s the drugs, isn’t it?

he went to pet a horse and got bit.

got a great idea.

sell them yourself.

aren’t you worried about predators?

i’m very cute.

this is the worst!

she just sleeps in bed with me.

everyone should feel at home here.

i fixed the water pressure and tested it.

i borrowed your nail clippers, see you in 20.

i think peoples feel at home.

i forgot to get the balloons last night.

i didn’t wanna be late.

but you are late!

this right here is why we have two stars on yelp.

are you guys getting any service?

but at least you guys remembered!

i was trying to keep it a surprise.

this cowboy stuff is no good to me.

give me a status report.

got away from me a little bit, i’m not gonna lie.

sounds like a train wreck.

last time i drank that, i woke up naked in the tub with a french braid.

i don’t know how to french braid.

take this stick in case of the raccoon.

you’re not as funny as your mom.

i’m throwing a sad man a stupid party.

she’s been here most of the week.

can she only survive in this apartment’s atmosphere?

if i don’t get to hide in my room, no one does.

you’re not trouble, the trouble’s arriving in ten minutes.

i feel like i’m watching the end of titanic.

you only gave me five hours and no theme!

this is a very sweet and lonely guy.

i’ve seen him riding a tandem bicycle by himself.

i picked everybody up to make sure they’d come.

not yet, willy wonka.

that is the last time i misplaced my glasses.

just to be safe, i bought him a cup that says “not urine” on it.

i am flattered, married lady.

always interesting to be the sober one at a dinner party.

now if memory serves, next stage is dancing.

thank you for making me feel like i belong.

can i go to my room now?

remember the fancy one we borrowed from marie callender’s?

there’s a walking dead on your fire escape!

what are you two trying to pull?

everything is very dramatic.

it must be about a boy.

you must have been very brave, coming here with everything.

i sense a liter of sarcasm.

just because i wrote it, doesn’t mean it wasn’t true.

i bet you were fabulous.

don’t ruin the night by being you.

how come when people say “i’m just being honest” something terrible always comes next?

i said that you once, you got mad at me.

such stimulating dinner party repartee.

what’s so wrong about saying people should follow the rules?

yeah, we’re at this stage now.

the next stage can’t happen!

what you went through was terrible.

because the rules are different for different people.

can i talk to you for a second?

she has nowhere else to go.

i did notice a monopoly board.

let’s just wrap this up.

i was too scared to tell you.

i’m sorry i lied.

you gotta tell me stuff, even if it’s not great.

we take care of people.

are you the raccoon?

i’ve been trying to help out around here.

alphabetical order, i love it.

how long did you think you could keep this up?

we’re gonna need more rice.

my parents didn’t do anything wrong.

we’re a normal american family.

we had tickets to see frozen on ice.

texas? the worst place on the planet?

actually, i hear austin’s pretty chill.

you need to be with your family.

they didn’t send them home, they sent them away.

i think it’s time to leave.

it got me through war, and i’m pretty sure it’ll get you through austin.

shut your face hole!

it’s not much, but it’ll buy you a cauldron and a wand.

i’m gonna miss this.

but know that you’ll always have a place to park your broom.

think how difficult this must be for her.

thanks for taking me to the airport and for buying the ticket.

god bless white guilt.

or is it canadian goodness?

damn it!

i’ll text you from the airport.

text me from the car.

i thought you said i was supposed to keep it together!

we can do whatever we want.

i’m gonna miss the first pitch.

we are so late.

i smell gas.

now you smell hawaii.

you know __ named her after a hot teacher he had a crush on.

society treats middle-aged woman shamefully.

i read a study online–

who wants to hear some tunes?

there is no good part.

why are we slowing down?

it’s 90 degrees and you won’t let us roll the windows down.

it’s only a crime to leave children in a hot car if it’s parked.

you know the drill.

it’ll probably be 20 minutes before a tow truck gets here.

this is supposed to make your skin glow.

so, would you say you are sheet-faced right now?

stop or sheet will hit the fan!

i decided to have a little me time.

i feel like i haven’t seen him for days.

what happened to your pants?

i ripped them getting out of the trunk.

you keep him in the trunk now?

they could’ve called me “junk in the trunk”, it was right there.

give me some good news.

i can’t believe it.

i still have it somewhere.

that’s what you got from that story?

sure, i’ll just have the butler pick it up.

oh, butlers work at the estate.

chauffeurs pick up cars.

i will teach dance again!

it is a gift that i have withheld from the world far too long.

why don’t we take public transportation and reduce our carbon footprint?

it was glorious.

that sounds dangerous.

we didn’t have seat belts then, we would just roll out quick.

we need a car, but we can’t afford a car.

car salesmen are scary.

you were in the army!

you’re always saying you’re a “badass”.

i am a badass! but i’m also kind of a scaredy cat.

i wake up in an ice tub because someone took my kidneys.

i am a total stereotype.

i hate to say this, but this is husband work.

this is not just a car anymore.

you just need to do a little research.

give me a reason to break out the athleisure wear.

what the hell is that?

it’s workout clothes you cannot sweat in.

i hate car dealerships.

then i had to buy it!

very impressive!

you don’t need no man.

so i was thinking maybe you can come with me and pretend to be my–

it’s going to be so good to see these people i’ve been paying.

you’re home later than usual.

when’s the last time you did that?

is that well ever gonna run dry?

they took our well!

there’s a part of you that actually thinks the world stopped dancing when you quit teaching, isn’t there?

today was the best day!

his car is amazing.

you wouldn’t think you want a warm butt, but you totally do.

it’s all the best parts of peeing your pants without any of the wetness.

not gonna lie, she was throwing me some red hot heat.

actually, i have another favor to ask.

i think she might walk both sides of the street.

i was gonna say husband.

i know you’ve been doing your research.

arm candy, i hear ya.

save that fire for the bedroom, babe.

you’re comin’ on way too strong.

they gotta see that i ain’t no punk.

they also gotta see that you didn’t just get out of a women’s prison.

i’m trying to buy a car, not impress a white girl with dreadlocks who likes flat asses.

i’m just saying, i got tricks to get people on my side.

i earned this guilt.

that’s my husband.

i married him for his flat ass.

i was an army medic in afghanistan.

i sustained a shoulder injury in the field.

it was a difficult time, but i’m proud to serve my country.

step away from the donuts, the customers need them and you definitely don’t.

she is not gonna give me any sympathy.

she’s more badass than i am.

why are you lyin’ about that guy being your husband?

and you’re gonna tell me that you’re married to that haircut?

there’s no reason that you and i can’t figure this out, just the two of us.

another great day on the bus.

i once saw a woman rip the weave off another woman over a leg of lamb.

my bus driver actually tipped me off.

i hate the bus!

i’m a fraud!

public transportation is hard.

i fell asleep and someone stole my socks. they left my shoes!

that’s like triple fossil fuel savings.

you’re my new hero.

i’ve always been your hero.

“experienced latina will make your body do things you didn’t know it could”?

it’s just the wording is kind of provocative.

oh, look, i got 58 new messages.

sometimes i’ll get in early and hang out with the mechanics just cause i miss the swearin’ so much.

i totally fudgin’ get that.

i can’t believe i gave you 40 bucks for that thing.

it’s got a full tank of gas.

i’m gonna miss you, old lady.

i can’t get rid of this car.

got a lot of memories in here.

like one of those couples that other couples hate being around cause it shows them how not happy they are?

i hate that couple.

he used to make people laugh.

and after that, i can’t even remember seeing him smile.

it wasn’t safe in the house.

finally, one night, i had to take those keys away from him cause he told me he was gonna wrap himself around a tree.

that’s tough, and i get it.

i’m sorry to bring it up.

leaving was the right thing to do.

it’s just hard to say goodbye.

kind of smells like a gas leak in hawaii.

you should come to the group.

what’s happening here? are we becoming friends?

this is a real injury.

it’s hard to find women who get me.

is this great or is this great?

look at us all together as a family.

i haven’t even showed you guys the best part.

play my jam!

#memes.#queue.

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wildlyunderrated · 5 years

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exiitialis‌:

ONE DAY AT A TIME SENTENCE STARTERS, s01e01-03.

now we’re gonna do the thing where i ask you some basic health questions and you lie to me.

why you lying to me?

they make my hands look bigger.

hey, uh, what’s that picture?

is that halloween?

i think this was closer to christmas.

the camouflage look was all the rage in afghanistan.

you’re welcome for my service.

so, you’re single.

i was just about to go home and make dinner for my kids.

next time i’ll skype you.

we have a problem.

this one, i don’t like her anymore.

i don’t care if you like me.

sounds like you’re both on the same page.

but it’s a very good playlist.

she’s been reading again.

why do you let her read?

i let her do math, too, i’m a monster.

ironically, it happened in first period.

someone thinks they’re worth a lot.

it’s just a fun party.

you can count on it.

who do you think you’re insulting?

somebody might call child services.

how i look kinda matters.

i know we’re not rich, but are we poor?

that sounds like poor.

these are thing that poor people have!

the point is you could, but don’t.

family dinner time!

i’m not made of stone.

i thought it was a joke!

and i thought it was hilarious.

do you want us to sit and watch you eat?

i bought it, i’m eating it.

here’s some hand sanitizer.

you know how much i appreciate your help, but you have to let me establish my own traditions.

i wanna handle it right.

you really wanna go there? cause i’m holding a hammer.

you’re welcome!

well, you grew out that mustache, huh?

yeah, i finally took the plunge and went full handlebar.

i’ll have you know, i was invited to several pride parades.

please tell me you’re here to fix my sink.

that’s a very expensive damascus steel.

ah, so we’ve got two fancy tools up in here.

i regretted it as soon as i said it.

you’ve really been eating here a lot lately.

i’m sorry it was rum cake.

i enjoyed watching you guys eat it.

looks like you accidentally threw these out.

hey listen, you can tell me anything.

it sounds like he really cares about you – what a dick!

this could be you.

please, put those away.

i hate those pictures.

she thinks she’s being sold into slavery.

that’s not really part of it, right?

what’s happening right now?

you know what, captain debater? let’s debate this.

so, what’s so bad about this modern village coming together to celebrate you?

scratch that, i’m addicted to gambling.

well, i’m not gonna clap for that.

that’s not me, that’s her.

you make me sound like i have an accent.

jesus and santa were cousins. everybody knows this.

it’s what we do.

oh no, i’m so sorry.

you’re all on edge.

she wouldn’t talk to me all weekend.

oh, don’t worry. it gets better. eventually they leave.

well, it’s just a lot of pressure and sometimes i don’t know.

you were talking to me about nightmares–

look, if you had something wrong with your head and i gave you some medicine, you would take it.

i mean as a __ i would totally recommend it, but as a __ i suffer in silence.

at least i’m safe for another year with the little one.

oh! your phone is telling you things.

he is possessed by the youtube.

i can explain.

because that is some jesus crap right there.

sorry that i said jesus so close to the word crap.

as long as i can keep them clean, i can send them right back.

i know you wanna be mad, but that’s genius.

i mean, you gotta get him on shark tank or something!

it’s like you’re stealing!

you’re not charming your way out of this.

you disobeyed me.

she did like that they were diverse.

i’m not wearing those.

i still don’t understand why i can’t buy these.

so that’s like, double money.

but make no mistake, when it comes to money, i’m your daddy.

tomorrow, these all go back.

at least you’re talking to me now.

i can’t even look at you right now.

just go to your room.

you keep saying that you want me to be this strong, independent woman like you.

you tell me to shut up, do it anyway.

you get upset and you clean.

wait a minute.

that is your answer? drugs?

okay, open your mouth and spit it in my hand!

it’s something that helps.

do you even see everything that’s happening now?

you don’t need drugs.

there are jobs here where they don’t shoot at you.

it’s not like he cheated on you.

it’s not the only thing that matters.

we don’t get divorced, we die.

don’t you think i miss him?

you think i like being alone?

i wanted to do this with somebody. that was the plan.

someone to love. someone – someone in your bed.

i don’t sleep. because __ used to spoon me to sleep.

sometimes you just need somebody to give you a hug and say, i got you.

i am very strong, i’ve been doing my yoga.

nah, i can make these work.

you did the right thing before you did the many, many wrong things.

i was trying to be brave, but even the nuns would’ve made fun of me.

listen, you don’t have to worry about being the man of the house.

first of all, we don’t have a house, so there’s that.

puberty’s gonna hit you like a train.

so, there’s been a lot of yelling.

this is not because of that crap you pulled with the test.

you do that again and i’ll put my __ on you while you sleep and post it to your instagram. don’t test me.

i hate to tell you lots of good stuff has started for dumb man reasons.

marriage used to be a way to pay off debts.

my point is we’ve made progress.

i didn’t know you were such a feminist.

i can assemble a rifle in 13 seconds. i’m a total badass.

i’m sorry, it’s just a lot of times you sound like a mom.

that is super weird.

it was dumb.

it’s not dumb. they’re dumb.

no, there’s no people. that’s just a thing that i said.

all i wanted was a good reason why, and you just gave me one!

we’re gonna show them what single mothers can pull off.

i will dress like a child bride for you.

okay, now i feel like i should talk you out of it.

when you get something to celebrate, you take it.

move over.

i’m going to spoon you.

you’re gonna like this.

no, don’t do it.

you were just having a nightmare.

you are not at war.

you are home, you are safe.

are you wearing makeup?

and i need to look nice in case i die in my sleep.

you’ve been telling me since i was five.

this is a good thing.

don’t give me that look, bitch.

oh my god, five? what’s going on in there?

the first one was for pee, and the last four were to piss you off.

so you’re basically murdering the planet to spite me.

ay, it’s impossible to be zen in this house.

i have to use water to get ready.

that’s what i was afraid of.

you know, i know bobo is an insult, but it sounds adorable.

oh, yes, he is a clown.

and like every other clown, i want to punch him in the face.

i’m gonna make it rain informative data.

i wish i could make you this excited about a comb.

you have weird goals.

turns out, i’ve been wearing the wrong bra size. my whole life!

boy, such great contributions today.

and i must say, i’m very attracted to the concept of nothing changing.

status quo it is!

i have a salsa emergency.

we’re going out dancing tonight, and i may have led her to believe that i know how to salsa dance.

wow, you’re amazing!

salsa is just – you want me, you can’t have me, you want me, no you can’t have me!

now take me in your arms like a man.

so, are you in love with this girl?

i’m not in love with her!

love isn’t even real.

the next forty years went by as quickly as that first night.

we hooked up at a barbecue.

can you believe this living stereotype?

okay, i’m dizzy.

okay, there goes my shoulder.

whatever, i needed that!

no one was listening to me!

in five seconds, i go from nodding thoughtfully to lighting a car on fire.

you lit a car on fire?

it was kind of an accident.

well, that’s just sexist.

i would prefer to die.

we should celebrate our differences.

i would never trade these for that.

everybody wants to see those, nobody wants to see this.

okay, everybody stop gesturing!

is that like manscaping?

sorry, i cut you off.

talk as long as you want.

not that you need my permission.

wow, you broke __.

you flirt with them, you hypnotize them, and then you do whatever the hell you want.

mi amor, wake up.

beauty gives you power, and that is why i never let anyone see me without it.

oh, without earrings i look ridiculous.

you just look different.

what is this? wear your grandma to work day?

when my dogs are upset, i rub their bellies.

i am not trying to turn this into an argument, but i said the same thing yesterday and nobody listened.

i don’t think that’s exactly what you said.

i’ve noticed when i’m talking, you don’t listen.

you’re sexist and i’m tired of letting it go!

you think i’m sexist? that’s crazy.

it’s got nothing to do with love.

yeah, you better be waving at someone you know.

i don’t know what you’re complaining about.

you’re jealous because i’m killing it!

oh my god! that’s insane!

okay, don’t get hysterical.

i do everything around here, okay?

i even make the stupid coffee because yours sucks and __ always burns their self.

all i’m saying is, we’re equal.

no, i’ll get it on my way out, cause i’m leaving.

i think she’s trying to say she’s quitting.

your dogs are lovely.

your accent is still no good.

my date’s such a huge success, it’s still happening.

oh, what happened to your face?

people were staring at me and all these boys were talking to me, which is the last thing i want.

i don’t understand any words you are saying to me.

i’m the pretty one in this family.

i smiled and nodded and was nice to everyone.

it looked really unnatural.

i tried it and i didn’t like it.

i didn’t mean it like that.

i did something terrible.

it’s okay, i have a shovel.

what do you think i did?

it doesn’t matter, amor, no one will ever know.

i quit my job.

so you quit because of principles?

are you crazy?

i yelled, i screamed, and it felt great.

but now, we’re all gonna have to live in the car.

you look lovely, as always.

i’m begging you.

you’re just saying that to be nice.

i didn’t even think about negotiating.

i even gave him my parking spot.

it was nothing personal.

he’s got a charm that i do not understand.

all the nicknames and the first bumps, i guess i got caught up in the bromance.

so are we good?

we’re not doing this again.

i’m not here to make you up.

this is me, no armor.

i think you look beautiful.

you know, this is the only time anyone has ever seen me without makeup.

well, one time __ came home early and saw me, but as soon as i realize i went out the window.

i assume he thought i was an intruder.

we never spoke of it.

good morning.

you’re amazing.

do we really need a pope on the fridge?

puts a smile on your face.

i already have two popes in my room.

dinner with my entire family and __.

s/he’s an orphan.

do orphans always have rich dads who buy them buildings?

we never had family meals.

don’t get me wrong, it was a massive tv.

so she threatened to throw live scorpions on her while she slept.

i am so glad to be here.

who the hell are you?

these all sound like things i should know.

i’m __, kind of a big deal around here.

and then maybe later you can show me how to turn into a bat.

oh, that story never gets old.

your mom’s kind of mean – i’m obsessed with her.

yeah, __ and i have tickets to wrestling

i don’t understand why you waste good money on that.

it’s educational.

how about we go on a hike sunday morning before it gets hot?

it’s not gonna kill us.

oh, you exaggerate.

i wanna see you guys this weekend.

oh no, i have to put my foot down.

well, i am putting both of my feet down.

we are not going and that is the end of it.

it’s starting to feel kinda like home in here.

after all, __, you don’t even believe half that stuff.

when you take the communion, you believe you’re eating the actual flesh and blood of jesus?

don’t be gross.

i see my friends, i eat some donuts.

weekends are my only chance.

end of discussion.

i don’t need to ask permission.

we are a family, damn it.

all right, everybody, go do your homework.

go call one of your moms.

so, i killed your father?

my apartment looks like jesus’ pinterest page!

i cook, i clean, i teach the children manners!

you don’t like what i am doing, i won’t do it!

i’ll be in my servant’s quarters.

how can you not know where your pants are at?

she’s small. she’s probably under something.

i think __ has run away from home.

i always forget how huge your apartment is.

she spent the night! but i want you to know, nothing happened.

she’s funny, she’s charming, and when she gets angry she cleans.

she spent the night and left without saying goodbye, so she already knows the drill.

well, there’s no reason to get lawyers involved.

if i raised my voice the other night, i’m sorry.

now i am not going to apologize for saying “unemployed” because that’s what you are.

you’re so sensitive.

i just want you to be honest with yourself, and ask what happens if your self-published vampire erotica doesn’t take off.

well, you know how kids are.

has she ever disappeared like this before?

no, usually when we fight, she does the opposite of go away.

anything to draw attention to the fact that she’s wounded and nearby.

i just, i don’t have time for this drama, you know?

i got work, i got bills, i got kids.

sounds like she does everything.

that must look amazing.

okay, i’m not explaining this right.

we have got to catch you up.

she’s the ghost who ate all my chicken.

great, now she’s gonna send her flying monkeys after me.

i appreciate you helping me out.

maybe it’s a sign.

should i marry her/him?

okay, now i’m worried.

one wrong move and she’s down.

you know, the entire world is one giant wet bathroom floor.

so, you just assumed i was here?

still you shouldn’t stereotype.

she is such a suck-up.

that must’ve been expensive.

i feel terrible about our argument, but we gotta talk about some things.

so i may have overreacted last night, but you have to understand, i’m not gonna be a mom for much longer.

don’t put me in a home.

i would never put you in a home.

well, it’s not that hard.

you need a sharp knife, that’s all.

you are the glue that holds our home together.

without you, we’d be on the street living in a cardboard box.

you’re just saying that to cheer me up.

we need you.

i’m just not sure i wanna go to church.

you go on, i will pray for your eternal soul.

we already started, but i insisted nobody say anything interesting until you got here.

it’s been weird.

yeah, she’s with jesus now.

no, no – sorry. she’s at church.

grab a cedar plank and dig in.

i can’t wait to have eaten it.

well, i’m competing with perfection here.

i’m sorry things got crazy the other night.

one’s a priest, one’s a witch, so..

i am really glad i’m getting to know you better.

oh, thank god! i am so glad you’re home.

i was wilting under the pressure to be you.

who threw up on the table?

your mother will go hiking with satan.

i don’t wanna go to hell.

there is no hell.

he tries so hard.

you put on lipstick, you get dressed up, you see your friends, you gossip.

and i am so glad that that gives you comfort.

he kept you safe.

you know, you went missing for one day and i was worried sick.

all those years putting up with __, with her terrible hairdos and her smelly bad breath.

i wear it because you gave it to me.

i don’t understand the difference, so please just let me have this.

please, god, don’t let __ come home with a face tattoo.

everyone has something that inspires them.

i also play nitendo.

#memes.#queue.

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wildlyunderrated · 5 years

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ultimate top ten ships meme → one day at a time dynamics (as voted by my followers) #10. elena/schneider “By the power vested in me by the Guild of the Custodial Arts (…) I dub thee handyman.”

#visage.#dyn: elena alvarez.#queue.

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wildlyunderrated · 5 years

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Bonus:

#dyn: penelope alvarez.#dyn: elena alvarez.#visage.#queue.

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wildlyunderrated · 5 years

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#visage.#dyn: elena alvarez.#queue.

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wildlyunderrated · 5 years

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forehead kisses are wildly underrated. just something really comforting about them. then again it might just be you.

#dyn: lydia riera.#queue.#THIS QUOTE SLAYED ME

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wildlyunderrated · 5 years

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#dyn: penelope alvarez.#queue.

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wildlyunderrated · 5 years

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SAID BY THE 2 YEAR OLD

“OH NO! NOT BEIGE AGAIN!”

“No nap! No nap ever! Nap gone! Goodbye!”

*gasp* “Cookie?”

“I love you. But…not really. I don’t love you. Bye.”

“Oh man! The gun was in front of the TV I was watching!”

“Take my left shoe off! I can’t do that one!”

“Green is better. Better than anything to ever be.”

“Mac and cheese is my best friend.”

“BEEP BEEP HERE I COME!”

“Take off your hat!”

“Siren! You be quiet!”

“Oh hello there.”

“I don’t want that. Throw it in the garbage.”

“Please don’t leave, [name.] I love you.”

SAID BY THE 5 YEAR OLD

“Just ignore him, he’ll work it out.“

“DID HE JUST SAY STUPID THAT’S NOT NICE I’M CALLING AN AMBULANCE”

“How is it fair that they have ice cream and I don’t? It’s not. It’s not fair.”

*sings the Titanic theme while standing on the back of the couch*

“I want plain bread.”

“Okay, just hear me out, listen to me, just hear me out…”

“LOOK! I’M MAKING A TRAFFIC JAM!”

“What’s Hawaii? That sounds not real.”

“I’m free for snuggles! I’m available! Hello!”

“Ugh! Where have you been? You were in the bathroom sixty years!”

“I don’t want to go, I’m calling in dead. I’m so tired that I’m dead. I’m calling in dead.”

“It’s not creepy! It’s just…not okay.”

“What about snacktime? It’s the most important ‘time’ of the day - next to bathtime and bedtime, but snacktime is still the best.”

“Neighbors don’t exist!”

“Goodbye forever!”

“If it involves fruit snacks, I’m in.”

“I don’t care what your mommy wants!”

“Why is it called a hoodie if you won’t wear the hood? It’s all lies!”

“You can’t leave! Then you won’t be here! And that’s where I like you most!”

“I love you, [name.] I’ll always remember you, even in a long time from now. Yeah. I’ll always love you.”

SAID BY THE 20 YEAR OLD NANNY

“Okay, Spiderman, let’s find your brother.”

“STOP TRYING TO CHOKE ME OUT.”

“There will be no negotiating, this is not a democracy, I am in charge!”

“I’M THE ONE WHO GOT KICKED IN THE FACE, WHY DO I NEED TO GO IN TIMEOUT?”

“You make me simultaneously make me the happiest I’ve ever been and the most upset I’ve ever been. It depends on the day.”

“Can we calm down for thirty seconds?”

“For the love of god, we already had one person in this house who broke their arm, we don’t need another!”

“[name] IT’S TOO QUIET WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“You can be mad all you want, I’m not going to apologize for not letting you run into the street!”

“That’s valid and I love you.”

*whispered* “Oh for fucks sake.”

“I will support you in all your dreams in life…except that one, I think that one is illegal.”

“You better appreciate me.”

“So what we’re not going to do…is that.”

“Why are you screaming bloody murder about crackers?”

“Can we just have naptime? That’s all I want.”

“No, McDonalds is not a state, in fact.”

“At least one of you has manners.”

“Listen, buddy, all I’m asking is for you to hold my hand. It’s not the end of the world.”

“End of discussion! No more! We’re done! Period.”

“That? That’s the ‘Confiscation Corner.’ That’s all the things I’ve had to take away from you, because you mishandled them.”

“I love you with all of my heart and soul, but why on earth did you think that was a good idea?”

“I just…do not care.”

“I love you guys so much.”

#memes.

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