williteverglow

[williteverglow]

18/08/17

last day of internship but you do not care.

i hope you realise i have feelings too. you can’t just yell at me and rage the way you do then expect it not to hurt.

3 hours on and the tears dont stop.

[williteverglow]

13/09/17

i always felt a bit out of the circle because i didn't enjoy clubbing but..... somehow this time it feels a lot worse. especially after they both couldn't make it to meet. it just feels kinda bad and i feel a bit lonely. i still care but.... i wish i didn't. feeling a bit low and lonely this weekend and my feelings tbh are starting to feel like my greatest enemies. i wish i had someone to talk to.

[williteverglow]

09/08/17

sometimes it feels so difficult with you and i question myself what's going wrong. why can't things just work on their own?

[williteverglow]

01/08/17

i am such a sucker for nostalgia. na xie nian brings memories of the vj uniform and the old af classrooms. everyone says the campus is so old but really it feels so homely. vj truly was home as much as we often say that it was a shitty school w useless teachers. really met the best people there and had one of a kind experience there. somehow made me realise i haven't been taking uni too seriously as a school / doesn't come to mind as a place of learning or a school.

[williteverglow]

30/07/17

I guess today will be one of those times where I’ll have to ache quietly and patiently. Let the night pass and let the conversation change tomorrow. It will be better and the days will be better. Distractions will help.

Also hate tumblr because really this wasn’t meant for anyone’s eyes. Maybe just one but there has been no intentions to see this.

It feels so difficult......... but I'd like to believe that I can do it.

[williteverglow]

why you gotta hit me with this now

“You spend your nights looking at the stars thinking your life would be better on Mars, checking your pulse just to feel it beat, looking for a stone to keep the peace”

[williteverglow]

That summer I did not go crazy but I wore very close very close to the bone.

Dorothy Allison, from “To the Bone“   (via weltenwellen)

[williteverglow]

30/07/17

i'm beyond disappointed with myself, and thoroughly embarrassed. people who don't know me think i'm quiet. people who do think otherwise but know i'm an innately shy girl. but when i get too comfortable with people, i tend to open up very much more easily. sometimes, i run my mouth too loosely. what hurts is knowing i have gotten too comfortable and that i have to close up. what hurts doubly more is today. there was no way i could have understood but i didn't and it hurt you. now all i want to do us to retract into a shell. if i don't do anything, i can't do anything wrong, right? this really really hurts. and i can't stop it from hurting. nor can i stop my tears. sometimes i feel im incapable of loving. i'm reminded a lot of how unstable i am and it really makes me question a lot of my actions and my current state of life. sometimes i think i have it all figured out but most of the time really i am a mess, and i am struggling so hard. this year i thought a lot about nat saying how she needs a rock and i get it. it's so difficult. so so difficult.

[williteverglow]

29/07/17

"don't you dare say i wasn't there for you. i was there for you" "you were not. you flew out" "you said it was ok. you said you were fine" "because what could i say" "that it wasn't fine?" "but you were supposed to know it wasn't fine" "how?" "god it's like we never left each other" -- the good wife

[williteverglow]

25/07/17

too emotional. that's me. maybe one day if i could rid myself of all my emotions, i could live my life in a more excellent manner. imagining it, i could foresee myself surpassing my current standards in measurable ways. but the unmeasurable - that would be where i would fall short in. then again, what kind of life would that be?

[williteverglow]

Important TED talks

Summer is time to relax but we should take the time to think. Here are my favorites ted talk videos that I think everyone should watch:

The virginity fraud - Nina Dølvik Brochmann and Ellen Støkken Dahl

This is what it’s like to go undercover in North Korea - Suki Kim

My escape from North Korea -  Hyeonseo Lee

The Muslim on the airplane - Amal Kassir

The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong - Amy Morin

The skill of self confidence - Dr. Ivan Joseph

How to stop screwing yourself over - Mel Robbins

The Magic of Not Giving a F*** - Sarah Knight

Why the universe seems so strange - Richard Dawkins

The pattern behind self-deception - Michael Shermer

Militant atheism - Richard Dawkins

Why domestic violence victims don’t leave - Leslie Morgan Steiner

Lessons from death row inmates - David R. Dow

Lessons from the Mental Hospital - Glennon Doyle Melton

Why we choose suicide - Mark Henick

What’s Wrong with Dying? - Lesley Hazleton

I’m Taking My Body Back - Rupi Kaur

My philosophy for a happy life - Sam Berns

The surprising habits of original thinkers - Adam Grant

The surprising secret to speaking with confidence - Caroline Goyder

Want to sound like a leader? Start by saying your name right - Laura Sicola

Programming your mind for success - Carrie Green

All it takes is 10 mindful minutes - Andy Puddicombe

[williteverglow]

05/07/2017

so many things on my mind. i miss school where i can just be alone and chill and just feel sad by myself. i miss being alone in a quiet place - that feeling of nostalgia mixed with sadness i can’t describe. not a great feeling, but it brings relief.

can't wait to get home and hideaway into the depths of my blankets.

[williteverglow]

29/07/2017

i really need to control my emotions better, especially at work. anger shouldn't be my main emotion, especially because when i get tears of anger. at leaaaast, there were so many people on OT with me today and we had a nice dinner.

[williteverglow]

27/06/2016: archive

“Sorry I was not there but your safety is very important” “I can’t wait to go home”

“I know. I have the same feeling for the last 14 years” been very feelsy lately. I used to treat my dad very poorly, I was cold to him. for no real reason in the sense he didn’t wrong me in any way. but i responded the way i did because i didn’t know of any other way to respond. i was 15 then.

now im 20. 5 years on, i forget a little about what happened, those nights you guys came back fighting even though i slept in the same room as you guys, the nights i spent crying under the sheets (the very reason why i treasure and value my bed so much/ the same reason why i crashed so hard when i lost my bed, my only space and refuge). i got less cold, i try making conversations a lot more now. sometimes i ask you random questions about things i’m not really interested about because i know you like talking about such stuff. spending time with you no longer is such a chore; it doesn’t just include going to a movie with you, and it doesn’t just include going for a meal with you.

today i still don’t know what happened but to me, I don’t think it really matters anymore. I hope one day I’ll have the guts to tell you how I really appreciate you working abroad all these years for us, and that I’m sorry for being so cold all this time. I don’t know if I actually want to find out the truth, there’s a lot I found out on my own and haven’t really told anyone. but it’s all in the past now.

-

throwback to a post that i didn’t finish writing in 2016. start of this year i bought a letter pack to write time capsule letters to dad in hopes it’ll bring me more honesty and perhaps closer to him. i hope i will have the courage to start on it soon…..

[williteverglow]

ok i hope this is why.

[williteverglow]

26/06/2017

it’s the sunday of my long weekend.

feeling very much a low on life - questioning what i do, and why i do some things. feeling very exhausted. can’t rly put to words through this emotional rush.

sometimes it’s so difficult…… i haven’t stopped being sad for quite a while. i think the pumpfest high masked it for a while but really…… it’s so tough

almost opened my old diary but stopped at page 2. i forgot how much darkness it reminds me of and i'm still not ready to revisit that.

[williteverglow]

25/06/2017

1) truly learnt and experienced first hand how mentality can affect the climb/ results. qualifying 3rd on day 1 made me want finals more, and it also made me realise how it’s actually attainable. actually nsbc had a part to play in this too, where i learnt that people may read the routes to be hard and all but it may not actually be that hard(!!) following others route reading could rly affect ur climb!! but ya this mentality stuff rly affected my semis because knowing i needed more tops rly made me fight so hard and that helped me get two more tops after which secured my 1st. tbh on my last route in qualis i didn’t rly know the beta and i didn’t know what i was doing but i was just rly fighting/ pushing like crazy and doing what felt right. so that rly was a lesson :-)

mentality - would have killed me if i had watched the OW struggle with the routes before my climb. but thankfully we were in isolation and thankfully i didn’t watch them climb. the “just climb and enjoy” mentality helped me perform even better than almost half of the OW semi finalists. thank god! a reinforcement to the idea of how i shouldn’t let others route judgement impede mine!

having OWQ routes as our IQSF routes really also eased the transition into open - i think i have so much to learn but this also makes me a little more confident about joining OW after this.

2) learnt how to deal with nervousness. in my first two years of competitive climbing, i’ve always stepped into the crash mats with trembling legs and a crazily beating heart. but seems like i learnt to manage this. think you’re starting to get nervous? TELL YOURSELF NO YOURE NOT NERVOUS. music suddenly got damn loud and bass is getting you nervous? NOPE ITS OK keep talking to people you’ll be fine. oh talking to people does magic!!! i talked to sooo many people this time round and when it was down to me and the 1st IM semi finalist i even talked to him even though he was thai and didn’t really understand what i was saying especially over the really loud music. something i picked up over time too - taking a deep breath before every route or if a big move. the one thing i still have a problem is, is figuring out the beta to moves while in front of the wall haha. i’m still bad at that….evidently

3) pre comp prep is so impt!!! bought butter rolls and bananas every day of the comp and took my pre comp poop before every comp. peed myself empty too and this sounds so gross but it really is so impt!!!! learnt my biggest lesson about food during rock master 2015 when i rushed down without food and that got me pumped SO FAST!! sleeping well not just the night before but through the week, and it’s is impt despite it meaning you may miss out on gatherings and stuff but learnt it well during rock master 2016. hahaha guess rock masters have been gd lessons. pre comp packing shd always involve finger toy- look for it earlier!!!!!! till today i don’t know where it is lol but thanks chris for lending me urs on semis.

4) WHEN ENTERING COMP ZONE/ISO always find ur damn score sheet and leave it in ur shoe bag. forgot abt my score sheet on both qualis and semis hahahaha. #burden. ALSO stretching really is key. during iso i stretched out for almost an hour and i felt loosened and great!!! i guess an hour and a half is not too much time spent warming up!

6) iso practices: talk to people, it gets you less nervous! pee as many times as you want as long as you’re comfortable. DONT SIT WHILE WAITING! it’s not a rule so walk around and chill out, sitting and waiting will just make you nervous.

all in all i have learnt so much from this comp! it’s crazy because this year in january i set up a goal of “open before grad”. this summer i told myself that its the best time to reach my peak before it gets too hard to peak again when school stars. this boulder season was to the time to hit my best and to be the best that i could be. started climbing a lot more this season although i had not hit PT that much in a while. but so thankful for being able to finally hit open - in my fourth pumpfest since i started climbing, in my almost fourth year of climbing. :-)

i know my weaknesses lie most in my physical state and route reading, so i guess i’m gonna dedicate myself to working on those two!

also in retrospect yesterday we attended gavin's training again after sooooo long. as always his routes were super fun and the best, and i really enjoyed them. had been working on topping routes for quite a while so yesterday's approach of trying moves made me a bit uncomfortable. but i shall return to finish them again!