willowmouse

[willowmouse]

willow wednesday life update

hello kind denizens of tumblr. i still do not know how to use your website. i'm gonna try and use this website way more though for a whole bunch of reasons, including the following. twitter is hell and i probably need to move off there sooner rather than later, since it's kind of embarrassing when i have to tell people that's where i'm most active still. i also have a very unhealthy habit of making public diary entries on my shitty wix website, which is NOT the place for stuff like that really since that's where some of my more serious writing is too. finally, i just like how this place looks. i like the vibe. i like how i can add pictures and gifs and music and ramble for ages on these, and that's exactly what i'm gonna do!!! i feel kind of awkward talking to specific people about how my day is going or whatever because i have trouble figuring out the point at which i actually become someone's friend and not just an acquaintance or whatever, so here's how things are going for me right now in case you were interested!!!

oh and pls tell me about how ur day is going if you read this :3 i wanna know these things ok

the bad place

i'm going to begin by completely spoiling the tv show "the good place" so skip this bit if that's a thing you wanna watch or whatever. so you know how the whole idea of that show is that these people are shown this amazing afterlife world and are told they're in the good place and not the bad place, but it eventually becomes apparent that they ARE in the bad place and are being tortured in ways deeply specific to the ways that they sucked when they were alive? that's how tutorial sessions feel at university on this physics course. i feel like i'm being tortured for not putting my hand up in class more at school. what happens is that we're put into small groups - there are five of us in our tutorial group - and given weekly meetings with a tutor, then given questions to think about/answer which i guess will eventually depend on what we're covering in any given module.

it's the combination of having to think incredibly quickly about questions that require applied knowledge of stuff i've completely forgotten about having taken a year out of education, if they aren't trick questions anyway, and having to give a stuttered, probably wrong answer in front of other people who seem much more competent with these tasks than i am that makes these sessions feel like torture specifically for me. these are the kinds of questions i would revise for months and months to prepare myself for in an exam setting and would still get wrong. i've felt incredibly fucking stupid coming out of both sessions we've done so far and i can't imagine that will change going forward and it's completely humiliating. i've gone my entire life without being made to feel so stupid in any kind of maths or physics related environment and now that i'm at university you're telling me i have to feel every bit as humiliated as i did during the very worst drama or music at secondary school? fuck right off. fuck whoever came up with these.

no stickers (yet)

this is my laptop!!! it's very fancy and i'm extremely happy with it. i'm trying to figure out which, if any, of my stickers i should put on it. i have a progress flag sticker, a bunch from the new jamie xx record since they were giving those away in rough trade AND i was thinking of making my own stickers at some point too!!! they would probably be of my mouse sona though and it depends how thoroughly i want to out myself as a cringe transgender furry to everyone here and back at home since my family will also inevitably see them. we'll see i guess!!! god forbid a girl just want their OC design that represents how they see themselves in a way that makes them happy and affirms their concept of gender but in a way that might weird some people out because it's a cartoon mouse.

thanks to this thing, though, lectures have been going pretty okay so far. thankfully, unlike in tutorials, topics are being taken extremely slow in the lecture theatres at the moment. as someone who has forgotten literally everything and absolutely needs a few reminders about how to handle simple shit like polynomials and vectors, i could not be more thankful. unfortunately, the laptop didn't come with a stylus so notetaking has been exclusively on microsoft word and on paper so far. that should hopefully change by the end of the day, though!!! then i just need to figure out how onenote works and transfer all of my notes from word/paper onto onenote to have everything kind of in one place and THEN it'll be so over for everyone else because i will lock the fuck in.

my badges

i brought so many badges up here with me and i'm going to leave with even more. i got given one from the local camp for the liberation of palestine and found a couple for the physics department. the lanyard has ended up being incredibly heavy so i don't use it to carry my ID card anymore (i have an actual ID card now, which kind of sucks because i liked my homemade one more), but it remains my second most complimented piece of fashion after my fontaines d.c. shirt. it's entirely responsible for one of my new besties starting conversation with me, which i'm incredibly grateful. we talked for ages about how overwhelming we were finding the "meet your cohort" afternoon since it was basically several hours of forced socialisation, but we somehow ended up as part of a group of five people talking about tons of random bullshit. not too bad for a couple of complete introverts!!!

every now and then i have the nerve to wear my trans flag pin out in public. i will soon be wearing it a whole lot more. i wrote a huge thing about trans stuff over the past few days but decided not to make it public because i spent most of it grossly oversharing, so uhh. whoops. i can't thank the people who have helped me get to this point enough. i owe you my life and like a million hugs. i know i suck at initiating conversation and might not be the easiest person to be friends with, but if you think that we might be friends, i assure you that we totally are. i have no idea where the line is drawn but i am always more than happy to call whoever wants to be one a friend.

twin squeaks

gravity falls summer is over and night in the woods autumn is in full swing, but i was hoping to get some early reading in before twin peaks winter hits. my parents sent me up with this box set thing that they have, but the second disk is literally unplayable meaning that i can only get as far as the pilot. kind of sucks. someday i'll find a way to watch this show without the universe cursing me.

record stores make me so happy

a signed copy of guitar music by courting??? are you fucking kidding me??? am i seriously going to have to buy this record AGAIN??? (maybe :3)

book on a shelf

it's a worrying sign for my mental state that i'm getting back into bright eyes, let alone starting to get lifted. lifted has always been the one record in their discography that i've found to be a little overrated, just because people call this the best or one of the best records conor's made when it doesn't make the top 10 for me. right now, though, it is hitting. i've listened to make war directly into you will (etc.) most days this past week. i've also remembered how badly i want to be able to play guitar. if i could pick up an acoustic guitar right now and be able to play you will and just perform that song whenever it's something i need to get out of my system, or do the same for just about any bright eyes song i guess, i think i would feel a whole lot healthier.

fevers and mirrors still clears this record so fucking hard, though. i completely agree with what ian cohen wrote about it recently, that you don't really get anything new out of it once you've aged out of finding songs with titles like "the center of the world" relatable, but it's an incredible time capsule for a time when everything felt like it mattered way more than it actually did. i miss feeling things. i miss feeling the kind of misery that brought me to fevers and mirrors in the first place rather than everything just being a grey fog now.

light decorations

i put up a few posters. the weyes blood poster from my vinyl copy of hearts aglow, obviously, as well as the grian chatten poster i got from my former local record store and a foals tour poster i got as a gift. not just any foals tour, by the way - a 2016 what went down-era foals tour with none other than get to heaven-era everything everything supporting. back then, you could go to the same show to hear both blast doors and birch tree. fucking insane.

i haven't decorated much because for the past week i have been incredibly ill and i don't know when it will end. i haven't felt well enough to do lectures or lab work or any of the shit that i'm being expected to do, but i doubt anyone else is either and they're all showing up for the same reasons i am - it's the first week and you can't afford to miss out on this stuff. plus, i like seeing my new friends, even if their first and only impression of me is "person who looks like a guy who is constantly on the brink of death and doesn't say anything ever." i'm definitely not putting my best foot forward here so far. somehow, it's still led to me finding or being found by some of the loveliest people i've ever met, so that's something to be grateful for. i wish i could stop feeling like shit now though. i hate this so much. i think that i'm past the worst part, though, which would've been over the weekend when i kept convincing myself i was dead and had a huge breakdown over an apple juice dispenser dispensing water. It's (probably) only up from here.

this concludes willow wednesday here on tumblr dot com. let me know how incredibly relatable my many squeakings are in the comments below, remember to like and subscribe and hit the bell or something :3 love u!!! thanks for reading <3

[willowmouse]

he guards my CDs

[willowmouse]

what

how do you do this. what is a tumblr. oughh god