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The end

After pouring my heart out in our shared canva scrapbook, I suddenly don't have anything else left to say yet I still have a lot.

Thank you, and I'm sorry, I love you, I'm trying my best to forgive you, I can't fathom that someone that loves you could do that, and that's all.

I ruminate on the stuff you said, "I love you", "I'm sorry", "I won't be having as much fun if you're around", "You're over-emotional", and maybe those stuff were far worse than the betrayal and lies.

I'm keeping the letters and poems written, until I don't have anything left to feel.

I won't be deleting this, not now, maybe not soon.

Until indifference reached me, until I no longer stare at your last text, until I am no longer tempted to reply, because I almost always do.

Are you still at the Cornerhouse? I hope you're doing well. I'm glad that you're in therapy, and trying to manage yourself.

I still can't eat Hainanese Chicken, I still have not deleted your text, and I still have not put down my sadness, because I know that if I put it down, I am finally entirely letting you go, so I cling unto it, like it's the last piece of you left.

I cry while reading your new year's message last year, and how different it has been, but I know someday, I could look at it and no longer cry.

But despite it all, I am doing more than fine, and I hope you are too.

Take care, and I will take my time, until I put the comforting sadness down along the Cornerhouse.

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I told you "SORRY" you told me that it's okay

I suddenly called you "baby" while playing Valorant, we were with your friend, and it was just in the moment. I immediately apologized because I'm afraid that it might turn you off, or that I am not permitted to do so, but you told me that it's okay, and you were genuinely confused as to why I'm apologizing.

It was a sigh of relief when you told me that it's okay. I realized that I'm safe now, that you don't have to hide me to your general friends, that I am not someone to be hidden, that it's okay to show affection to you, even in public.

Another thing is that, you introduce me to everyone, your friends, your classmates, you never fail to tell them that I'm your girlfriend.

It warms my heart and genuinely heals something broken in me. Something you didn't even break.

That I deserve to be introduced, to be out in the world, to be loved loudly.

Thank you.

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Can you believe it?

Can you believe that we're a month official? Sometimes I can't.

I am in disbelief because you're just so smart, so beautiful, someone that I am in awe of having.

It is a privilege to be loving you, I'll love you till the end of time, or my time, at least.

We'll celebrate more together.

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You told me to eat well

"I want my baby to eat well."

You told me as you gave me the last piece of that homemade siomai we bought at Tara Kape Tayo. You love siomai, especially that siomai, because it's big, homemade, and you like the sauce, but you gave it to me anyway.

I'm always conflicted whenever you give me food, or anything really, because I don't feel deserving. "It's just food", I know what others think, they might think it's just the bare minimum. In my mind, It's everything.

As a person still suffering with body dysmorphia, most times, I'd rather not eat, but you always give me some of your food, saying "If I personally don't put food in your mouth, I know you won't be eating. My baby should eat!", as you put a spoonful of food in my mouth.

Most days, you would tell me that you love my body, kissing almost every inch of it, not forgetting to hug and cuddle it on nights that we're together. Telling me that my body is beautiful.

It took a while for my body to fully trust you, and the compliments that you give it, but best believe that it's trying its best. I'm not used to being treated like this.

If there would be a time that we'd no longer be together, my body might burst into flames. But for now, sharing meals with you is the warmth and belongingness that I need.

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Maybe the morning today was the hardest we've ever fought.

I'm not sure but I think this is the time that we've fought the hardest, everything was difficult and we're both shouting. I blame myself for taking a rest, even if I did wake you up, it wasn't enough. I'm sorry to your groupmates, I've put you in a bad position, I thought you'll leave but you're still here.

I wonder why you're still here.

I wonder how we jump back in again like nothing happened too.

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I love walks

I love walks so much. Second to nature walks, I love walking in malls, it gives me ideas on where to go and what to buy next, it's like a big ass vision board that I couldn't afford at the moment.

Don't worry, we'll get there soon, very soon.

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Maybe it's the neurodivergency

Hello, this is I, the writer of every blog post, and no, these aren't self-pity posts. Just a compilation of what I think in relation to the love of my life.

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I feel like-

Sometimes I feel like a liability in our relationship, I know I'm doing my best but I feel like everything that I do is a mistake. I sound like a loser but it's true.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be dating in this state, in this economy even, because I couldn't take you out on dates and on other fancy stuff you could see in social media, and we're too busy to go out, I think that I don't deserve to go out.

Sometimes I wonder why you're here with me, you could've had something better, I know we'll get there but as of the moment, we're not, and I know you're the type of "in the moment" person.

Sometimes I wish I could be like you, I envy you for not thinking too far ahead, just the right amount and you're doing alright. I hope to be like that so I won't have to hinder myself for feeling and being good, but I consider a lot of things, there's a lot going on in my mind but that doesn't mean that you're not the priority. They're all just clashing and I wish for it to stop for a moment.

Sometimes I wish that I don't look too far ahead and plan every single thing that should happen, like going home. It feels like even my breakdowns are planned, that I shouldn't break down or feel bad in the middle of the day because that shouldn't be part of my routine, hence, also affecting the time that we want to go home. The mental schedule that I have is killing me and I don't know how to stop. Even the things that I badly want to do, I schedule it, because I feel like I don't deserve it, and somehow, my brain is wired in such a way that I only deserve to do stuff after the boards. I'm hating myself so badly.

Sometimes, I wonder if I deserve to rest, or I'll just sleep in when I'm older.

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You. Amazing you.

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We've fought for the last two days.

The last two days weren't good for us, we've fought and didn't see each other eye to eye. We've had our points and I'm glad you're still here.

I apologize for being naive and consider a lot of stuff before coming home, and in general, before being with you. I've realized that I feel like I don't deserve being happy because I haven't done anything productive nor good in the eyes of those important to me, that's why I've been hindering myself on seeing you (on being happy), but in return, it hinders you in being happy too.

A selfish part of me feels good that you always want to be with me, that you want to sleep with me all the time, and I'm sorry that I can't always be with you.

I understand your sentiments, believe me, and I'm sorry for making stuff about me, i shouldn't be like that because we're supposed to be team mates.

I apologize for not being a good future gf to you, and it would be valid for you to leave (please don't).

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Missing you too much today

We couldn't sleep together tonight due to circumstances. Most times I wonder if you're getting tired of me, and sometimes, I wonder if you're with somebody else besides me, and it's one of those nights. I wish I could stay beside you just so I could ease my worries, as selfish as it may sound.

We haven't talked much today, I'm wondering if you're asleep or still upset with me, I wish I could ease your pain better without compromising other things too much, it's a pain in the ass, the responsibilities that we have.

I wish I could just dream longer.

Hold on tight, baby, we're almost there.

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Time to go :(

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Thank you for being with me, you are enough, I love you.

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Hello, Gato de Guzman II.

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Can't get enough of you.

We've been together for days, I'm sorry for being pushy that I want you here, it's just I really love your presence, even if it's just online.

I'm glad you could work here, I'm glad I could kiss and embrace you every now and then whilst we work. I'm proud of you, even if they're stressing you out you remain amazing.

I love you.

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A bad day for you.

You had a very bad day today, you scraped your knee due to someone bumping on you and you also bent your glasses. You had a pretty bad wound on both of your knees, I wish I could take away the pain.

I know it's selfish but I'm glad that I'm the one you want to be with in times like these, thank you for coming today, it made life tolerable.

I'm glad that you felt better when you were here, we had siomai na tagdodos™. You finally got what you're craving, and I finally got your noodles right. I'm glad you're here.

I love you, baby. You deserve better days, I'm proud of you.

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I miss you

We can't sleep together today, I really miss you. I think I caught the flu. Before you and I part ways to go about our day, you hugged me tightly as I cried about my friends, it gets rather lonely especially when you see them make plans in front of your face, but I'll be fine, we're both good at socializing anyways.

You went ahead and did your work, I'm really proud of you, you did a lot. I hope you feel appreciated. I love you, my Ri.