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New chapter

Alhamdulilah, I’m in third year now. I always come back to this during times I’m meant to be doing work lol. A lot has changed. I finally completed my year with the organization in march, which is also the month in which we were hit with a pandemic. Coronavirus stats, news, restriction, frustration at the incompetecy of the government, complaining, tik tok challenges to keep ourselves occupied, online exams, forest fires, blm protests, american election, antifa? Capitol madness. 2020 onward has been repeated historical events sunhanAllah truly scary. We’ve been inside for a long time now, university has been fully online apart from my third year project labs. The one thing that I’m truly grateful for are the blessings I’ve gotten during this period. Lockdown would have been so much more daunting and difficult for me without my beautiful adorable niece being born and without the introduction of someone else into my life. I am still friends with my secondary school friends and after the trauma that I faced in that organisation unfortunately I feel more distaced from my religion. I finally feel more kushu in my salah as I was missing this for a long time but I value my previous friendships a lot more now. Its sometimes just nicer to be more private with practising your religion. Regarding the introduction to someone else in my life; August 21st I spoke to the individual for the first time and decided he’s the one?? Sounds mad but alhamdullilah I’m so grateful that I went into it with an open mind this person has the exact mindset (so far) of someone I would want in my life and I’m just lost for works to describe my happiness towards this blessing. I don’t want to praise him too much because I’m scared of the unknown future but that’s all I have to say. 

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Where am I now?

Right now, I like to think I’m somewhere that I’ve been before. It feels like a somewhat familiar headspace. This feeling of being truely alone in this dunya soemtimes it can eat you up alive. Other days it makes me think about all the ways I wasted my energy when I was people dependant. That being said I was a lot happier. At the moment I have no one I can directly trudt of feel secure with like I did, but I’m okay with that because security can lead to dependancy and like I said that’s a scary concept. As someone who always thought they knew what they were doing this experience has really humbled me. Although I spoke to several people about my situation after it had happened, I didn’t really confide in anyone. And now people I used to feel secure with like V, just because V has always been there I no longer feel secure with. Its like the more we grow the more we grow out of eachother. Our differences are becoming more and more apparent. She is concerned in things I am not and I wouldn’t like to be and things I don’t support. After we got rid of him from the higher position, I obtained his position and its really kept me busy and I am gratful for that. I guess I’m just seeing where this life takes me. But one thing I’ll never forget is to never stop reflecting and trusting your gut feeling

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Myself Again

It hasn’t even been a year since my previous entry but I can say without a shadow of a doubt I have grown so much in the past 11 months. There have been so many things I’ve learnt about the world but more importantly about myself. For approximately a year I was manipulated by a narcissist and this experience is something I’ll never forget. The way he made me feel secure by being overly nice at first showing interest, trying to break my barriers and as soon as he got through the first few layers of my shell he found my insecurities and played on them. He saw my empathy and used it to manipulate me into bending my morals and my limits. Comments I would have deemed unacceptable before him seemed to be okay now because he presented himself as having a higher moral ground. It always made me think surely if he, someone who’s so ‘good’, thinks this joke is okay why should it bother me right? It’s just a bit of fun. Comments then became actions, I would never let a man even come near me and he would tickle me and pick me up and all this stuff that I knew I wasn’t comfortable with but I kept telling myself I’m overthinking it. Eventually I began to feel safe with him and he sold me dreams of being together ~forever~ gross. But I bought into it so I wan’t the smartest person either. All the while he would bring up his ex and how terrible she was but how he could never be wwith a different woman. Every day it would be something new. Again; I knew at the time that I was so strong on loyalty that’s one of my No1 personality traits I look for in a partner, yet with this man it became a downward spiral but I still stayed. At first it was just talking about his ex, then it was decriptivley describing intimate moments he had with his ex that he could never forget, then he’d have breakdowns and go back to talking to his ex and tell me a couple of days later -but just as I was about to give up he’d come back upset to me again. He’d appologise and say all the right things and he’d tell me how he’d never be able to get through any of this trauma without me- essentially trapping me in a situation I couldn’t escape. Surely I couldn’t let this damaged, traumatised man be alone he used to be suicidal, I felt like it was my duty to be there for him. Over time he told me more and more traumatising events that happened in his life and I knew that I was in the same position that I was with Ms except he never wanted sympathy but this guy did. He thrived off sympathy. There were times later when he’d tell me about speaking to other girls and I would be really upset because um didn’t we speak about marriage seriously like 3 days ago? There came a time where he started dating a girl whilst still implying he’s interested in me and when we came back for semester 2 he told me all of a sudden that he sees me like a friend just like I see him and then went on to tell me this story of his then girlfriend (R). And this is where the real manipulation begins. This man made R seem to be completely obsessed with him- she would apparently always ask to hang out with him late at night and she would buy him gifts (this was when he pretended he was still interested in me btw), He told me she was head over heels for him and he had nothing towards her- in fact he felt creeped out. Just to come back 2 weeks later to tell me they were dating the entire time. This obviously left me feeling brokenhearted, I wanted nothing to do with this man anymore. But he’d come to me again, saying I’m the only one who understands and that he’s stuck in this really difficult decision and so on. I was there for him the entire time and the more I tried to distance myself the more it seemed we’d see eachother. He’d ask me to hangout because he feels very alone and me being me I could never say no to him. I had made a conscious decision in my head that after this academic year I would steer clear of this man and stay off campus when I’m not in lessons so I don’t have to face him. I would delete socials media or stay off them as I used to and limit contact with him but then we both joined the same scheme. I was appointed the position I applied for and so was he meaning I was to work under him in a managerial position to those below me. This meant that I couldn’t get away from him even if I tried, when we first started working he would go around telling everyone how close we are and again that made me feel really uncomfortable. I could have still limited contact with him and kept a professional relationship with him only but I felt like I owed him. At one of my lowest points I had remembered some advice he had given to me about opening up to people and I decided I would open up to V about everything I was struggling with. I start speaking and I’m in the verge of tears trying to tell my story and she starts talking about herself yet again. I just wanted to cry- not because of my situation but because I expected anything more from her. Eventually I opened up to him and he gave me exactly what I needed then, a listening ear, someone who showed they actually cared for my issue, someone who listened to me talking about me without making it about themselves. This guy had given me something I had been searching for in friendships for my entire life and I felt I could never repay him for that. So I stayed. I stayed through the good bad and ugly. Until I came back home from an 8 hour shift and received a phone call. “You we’re the one I was most unsure about because I know you guy are really close friends” “You need to do something about this” I was so confused, I didn’t know what to believe, I know he can be sketchy but sexual harassment to the extent to which he implied?  I couldn’t fathom that he could ever do something like that, I was going crazy. At the same time he texts me asking me if he should quit his job because the day before me and him had an emotional breakdown at pret a manger. After what seemed like a long weekend had passed, I spoke to the victim. We spoke for three hours and I couldn’t believe what she was telling me- I mean to be honest what was scary is that I _could_ believe what she was telling me. I knew he had it in him to do something like this. After we finished talking I cried all the way back to university, I was best friends with a manipulator, a narcissist, a sexual harasser and someone who took advantage of naive girls. I was disgusted to say the least. After meetings with my co-workers and those in higher positions than me we figured we must fire him. So we did. He sent me a message saying he didn’t expect to be left hanging like this he expected rehabilitation from me. But I did what I should have a long time ago- I told him I didn’t want to speak to him and I never did again. This whole situation traumatized me for a good month, panic attacks, trying to replace him, hating him, missing him, hating myself, thinking about everything hypocritical he’s said to me. Thinking about every lie he told, thinking about how small and weak he made me feel. 

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It’s always exam time when you start thinking about the worst things that have happened to you and the worst things you’ve done to others

issnotta quote (via windowtothoughts)

100% still applies

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Dependent

You know what’s funny? I came back to this blog- or online journal whatever you want to call it because i fell like i’m going through a, somewhat, identity crisis. I read back to one of my previous entries and now I fully know why I feel so lost. I had been so firm on my valuves and stuborn in what I belived in for the longest time. It was like I was put into this negative state of mind but I wanted to stay there because it was my nox of safety, staying in that mindset of saftey allowed me to avoud dissapountment or negative emotion of any sort. From what I read; I have always expected too much from people because when I make friend, when I confide in someone I do it fully I hold back nothing- sure I don;t trust people with my situational secrets, but I trust them with everything else my true character my loyalty i’m ready to fight anyone for them. So, when I saw that I wasn’t recieving the same back,it was painful, dissapounting and straight up just made you feel stupid for caring too much. Its like my views on being a good person; I had a conversation with V just approximately 2 years ago about how I’m a very bad person because even anything good I do for people I do it because I want to feel good about myself so ultimately I am selfish -and if i be honest I kind of get where I was coming from with that. But, having said that, I have opened up my thoughts and vision to alternative perspectives; I feel like veerything can be viewd from 2 different points of view to say the least. Sure, I agree with one side more than the other but once you realise that every opinion someone has is based on their experience- its like fam no perspective is a perspective you cannpt understand or somewhat sympathise with. Anyways that’s one thing; another is that wihtin that same entry I speak about strongly being against marriage because I don’t want to depend on anyone excpet for Allah and marriage means having someone to fall back on. But what’s funny is that just 2 years down the line I’m out here like everyone else on twitter just trynna get cuffed and the only 2 things holding me back are age and not knowing if he’s 100% sure- and that’s not funny at all. It’s acctually quite worrying because he’s shown me so many red flags and if i be completely honest we don’t get along like tom and jerry, if you know what I mean, but then again sometimes I feel like me and MS got along a bit too well because he always let me be dominant to some extent even though he is quite a dominant character too. However, this man is always challanging me. Anywho, I just pray that Allah guides me, I might just be thinking/feeling this way because a lot of people my age are getting cuffed but Allahu a’lam. Either way I’m having a major identity crisis and the fact that my svc squad keep saying i’ve changed don’t make it any easier. On that note; its 1 am and i have an exam in 2 days now and i have over 10 lectures to still even write for and on saturday i have to go pray and go work and on sunday i have to go work so HAHAHHAHA 

May Allah make this easy for me :), alhamdullilah still can’t eny my blessings that would be wrong. First semester of uni was great fun, made good friends, don’t really know where i fit in but that okay. Got involved with i soc and pres herself said i should run for head sis lmao I wish I was able to. so many more great things happened alhamdullilah, eyes have been opened to so much and I pray that this journey continues to teach me not just about my course but also about islam and LIFE in general. 

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Life Update

Hi, to myself. I doubt anyone else will ever find this blog, and even if they do find it in the depth of tumblr why would they care about any of the fwp I write about? I digress. 

I’ve noticed I tend to log onto this blog whenever I am feeling an extreme emotion -whether that is frustration, anger, resentment, deep sadness or regret. Or a combination of all of them. However, today I feel neutral alhamdullilah. I just wanted to write an update to myself so I can picture my life now in the future I suppose. 

Currently it has been almost a year since S’s official engagement (4th August) and legal marriage. She also graduated on the 19th of this month, and got a car (toyota yaris) pretty recently. She’s not too confidant in terms of driving, but she’s trying so its all good. Right now she’s dropping me off and picking me up from sainsbury’s well she has done twice now. Speaking of which, I managed to obtain a part time job at Sainsbury’s for the weekend. Although it is summer right now and I can do more, I thought this is a superb opportunity because I can carry it on after summer. I was overjoyed when I got the job because I didn’t think I would land a big supermarket as my first job. Also, I just finished college, I haven’t yet got my result but I have a secure unconditional offer at the university so it’s all good. M is going to be in her last year of secondary school doing french, history and art. Unfortunately V is moving away to london, however I hope this is a good opportunity for me to venture out and make new connections. My mum’s health isn’t too good she has these red patches on her face and she has a worryingly low blood count. Rather then suggestion a blood transfusion, the doctor suggested she get a hysterectomy done; as the another blood transfusion may be harmful. MJ is still a little boy playing out all day no responsibilities but he’s being really good right now alhamdullilah. S however can get on my nerves, she does no house work at all! Sure M is lazy and gets angry when you tell her to do something, but she still does it. Anyways I don’t know maybe shes having an episode of depression/anxiety again. I can’t say. There’s nothing much going on right now alhamdullilah however I must say that is kind of making me feel like robot. Which is never s good thing because that’s when I start my episodes. Lol this was meant to be a brief update but I always get way into my feelings. Also I may reconnect with old friends at university, so that may be interesting. Any how, I just pray to be an all around better and stronger person. Ameen.

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It's always exam time when you start thinking about the worst things that have happened to you and the worst things you've done to others

issnotta quote

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Wake me up when it’s all over

I just can’t wait until it’s over, until I finish with this chapter. I mean I love these people even now and I want to continue to spend time with them, I wish I could go through the whole university experience with these same people, but I don’t want to be this stressed out anymore. Stressed but not do anything about it. It’s frustrating how much I am not doing and how much time is just passing as I type this useless message. I want to look back and be proud of my achievement (in sha Allah), I want to look back and say yh I did that and I did it with hard work stress and tears but it was all worth it. And no one anyone says can undermine my achievement because I know truely it is the best I have done. I want it to be like my GCSEs, for me perfect and something I can say was well deserved because I did work that hard and I took no breaks and I did every thing I could for all 23 exams. I want to feel the same joy with A levels and I really hope I do. I really pray that on results day I don’t say, well I guess I would’ve got a better grade had I started revision earlier. Please Allah help me do my best I don’t have long left till my exams. And this year unlike usual, I’ve been quite anxious about how I will handle all this with exams too. But I pray that all will be well like always and I am able to cope, rather I pray that the month of Ramadhan blesses me to do better.

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You looked so beautiful in that dress..

It’s human nature to want to feel loved to have a burning desire for a partner and that’s okay. But when it’s not okay is when it becomes the central focus of your life. When you believe that finding a partner will be the end of all problems, when you believe that there’s this perfect person for you out there with whom you’ll have the perfect relationship. The kind you see in TV shows and Disney movies where you have the perfect amount of arguments; ones that are big enough for you to feel upset but small enough for you to forgive each other the minute you separate because you can’t stand to live a moment without one another. The kind of relationship that allows you to be comfortable enough to share your deepest secrets and insecurities but at the same time one with endless mystery and chemistry. A relationship where they’ll never get bored of your rants, or get tired of your complaining one where they want to know about your day, but at the same time a relationship where you’re not always dominating every conversation. A relationship where both of you love each other unconditionally and endlessly. But that’s not how it works. Ever. So it’s when you go into the scene with such high and unrealistic expectations that you get hurt. 

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I think I’m depressed right now or just mentally ill for real. Like, I don’t even know but, one second I’m motivated to be better and next thing you know I’m balling my eyes in the bathroom -feeling like a failure. I come out with red eyes and an even redder nose, wait for it all to calm down before heading down stairs. At home I’m so catty and rude about everything; especially to mum and I feel so bad about it. I don’t even attempt to pray my salah anymore. I stuff my face with food till I can’t eat anymore. I come back from college and just eat and watch a bloody comedy show or some trashy content on youtube. I’ve gotten better at school but last week I went crazy. I was mad at everyone for no reason. Yesterday after posting about my failures on ig and balling my eyes out in the bathroom I just didn’t want to do anything anymore. But I knew that if I even show slightest signs of being ‘upset’ or something my parents would feel bad and immediately think of something crazy- like I’m crazy paranoid about my body image or I’m being bullied at school. Both things have never happened to such major degree alhamdullilah. But at the same time I can’t blame them and be all ‘BOOHOO MY PARENTS DON’T UNDERSTAND ME’. ya gets me. because its not like I let the get to know me at all. Anyways, today I really felt low still went to college did the whole 40 mins on the bus. But not gonna lie I felt like crying so hard, I just really did not want to be there, so I headed to the opposite bus stop and took the bus to town, waited for 2 22 buses to go. Got on the third and stayed on it till it got to my house, and then did a full rotation and got back to my house. Then I went to lidl bought 2 croissants (one all butter and the other chocolate) and a big bag of glazed spiced gingerbread. I went home, said I came back early because a lesson was cancelled,  watched ‘fresh off the boat’ until 3 whilst eating half the bag of gb and both the croissants. Went mosque at 6:15 and now I’m here. Just sent off my UCAS btw, only Allah knows what’s happening with that/ It was nice to see my friend’s concern about me not being in college today. But I lowkey feel like a brat because I kinda want my family to care about whats bothering me ._. im such a disgusting thing right now. I don’t want to be this.

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Single Warrior

Yo Single mothers go through so much its unreal and you know what the worst thing is about them being single mothers? In the south-Asian community?

Being single.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally against the idea of depending your happiness on other people however, due to the prejudice towards divorced women and widows, people avoid single mothers. So, not only is she abandoned by her man, she is also abandoned by her race. People who she once called her own are now her worst enemies. Before her only concern was the weird stares she got because she veiled herself, because she was brown, because she decided she cared more about what her lord thought of her than people -the ‘other’ people. But now, it was these same ‘other’ people that asked her how she was holding up after the divorce. It was these same people that reassured her that she didn’t need a man to fulfil her. And it was these same people that were protecting her all the way through. It must break her heart to see that her own people treat her like utter garbage for... what? For speaking up against a man that abused her? For fleeing the country for the sake of her own children? Or better still for having a dead husband? Tell me which one of these doings is a crime?

But no she strove and survived, she really did start from the bottom again and reached where she is now for her son. She did work the same nine to five job in the same primary school for three of my siblings to pass and then went on to do a night shift every other day. 

Despite the fact that she was faced head on with cancer twice with no one beside her other than her two children -the only things she values- she carried on. She’s up and ready fighting another battle every day.

These women, don’t need my pity. These women aren’t just single mothers, these women are:  independent strivers, 2-in-1 mothers and fathers, fearless, resilient fighters and everything their opponents could only dream to be.

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LOOOOL just seen this and damn son!

I was definitely at a low point at the time I wrote this. however, just to mop up unfinished business, turns out they hadn’t been dating for long. They had only been speaking for a week -and made it official on literally the day she told me. Unfortunately, it turns out she isn’t with him literally the very net day because his fam got beef wid her fam. Absolutely disastrous! On top of that he cares for her and her mother too much to allow them to go through tings so yh :/ 

Lol, so I thought me and my best friend were on the same mindset regarding relationships at this stage in our lives but I came to find out she’s been keeping a long distant relationship from me for quite some time. The reason why I feel the need to write about this is because I’m not quote sure how I feel about this. I mean of course I;m happy for her and I have full [kind of] faith that she would pick the right man. I mean my friend is hot and always has guys trying it with her, yet up to this point she hasn’t been in a relationship due to her values and what personality traits she looks for in a man. I’m just a bit upset that she felt the need to hide this from me :| but at the same time I feel like this is the over protective possessive part of me talking. this is because only recently my sister got engaged and now we don’t talk like we used to and I feel distanced from her and I don’t want the same to happen with one of my very few friends. Rah. Also, I don’t want them to get happy and that and then get heart broken if it doesn’t work, so I REALLY hope it does work out and they end up getting married. -if that’s what’s best for them.

Allahu a’lam

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Lol, so I thought me and my best friend were on the same mindset regarding relationships at this stage in our lives but I came to find out she’s been keeping a long distant relationship from me for quite some time. The reason why I feel the need to write about this is because I’m not quote sure how I feel about this. I mean of course I;m happy for her and I have full [kind of] faith that she would pick the right man. I mean my friend is hot and always has guys trying it with her, yet up to this point she hasn’t been in a relationship due to her values and what personality traits she looks for in a man. I’m just a bit upset that she felt the need to hide this from me :| but at the same time I feel like this is the over protective possessive part of me talking. this is because only recently my sister got engaged and now we don’t talk like we used to and I feel distanced from her and I don’t want the same to happen with one of my very few friends. Rah. Also, I don’t want them to get happy and that and then get heart broken if it doesn’t work, so I REALLY hope it does work out and they end up getting married. -if that’s what’s best for them.

Allahu a’lam

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I don’t want to sound like ‘one of those girls’ but I really feel like I don’t want to get married. People keep talking about marriage and about how I will be engaged when we go for my sisters wedding but I dont want that. I don’t want to give up everything I stand for -I know Islam promotes marriage as it is completing half your deen, but I don’t want to be dependant on another human being ever. Obviously if Allah has planned for me to have a life where I’m dependant then so be it. But I don’t want to initiate a relationship where I feel the need to be dependant and be depended on. Actually I don’t mind and kind of like being depended on because it feels like I actually have some sort of value in someone’s life but i don’t want to be dependant unnecessarily. I don’t want to burden someone who doesn’t even care about me let alone like me as a person. I don’t want to appear needy because I know that I am needy and in previous friendships when I actually felt like we we’re ;true friends blah blah blah’ I feel like the other person will always listen to what I have to say, the will care about my feelings, where I am what I’m doing. But that’s never the case, it’s always one sided with me. Well that’s how it feels anyway. In a way I’m okay with that tho, because its not like I have to live with these friends of mine. But when you’re married it will basically be the same thing except you never get to escape because you bloody live with that guy. Rah. On top of that, if by chance it isn’t one sided, it’s this ball of cheese where you just let yourself go, let your guard down -I don’t care what anyone says but from my experience letting your guard down is dumb. It’s like asking to get disappointed. There’s more, if I don’t get married by the age of 25 max, I will get pressured to get married to some next guy by my extended family.  

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Being nice to your enemies doesn't mean you're fake, it means you've grown up

Drake

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Call me shallow if you want but she has used me so many times, i don't even want to talk about it -_-

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2

When I did eventually make friends, I had problems, because everyone found out how cool and awesome i was all of a sudden. #egogrowingthere

A group of friends who called themselves the 'BFFclub' had told me that they really wanted me to join thier 'club' because i was a really good friend of thiers. On the other hand was a new girl who had recently started school. She was close friends with me back then and she really wanted to be in the BFF club but people from the bff club disagreed. That new girl... Lets call her 'F'. I still know her, and let me just say that if i was in that same position now i wouls DEFINATLY choose the other one. Not F