wishstarn

[wishstarn]

🌷 — [12 mar 2025] diary log .ᐟ

Today, I received a message at 8:52 A.M.

"I'm at Flora." It reads.

Flora is my hometown.

The text was from a friend I hadn't met and talked with for a long time. The last time we did was almost a decade ago.

It was when she came to my house to say goodbye after we just finished 4th Grade, saying she'd be away to Metro Manila to study and finally live with her mother.

She's back. But unfortunately, distance will forever (I hope not) mock us. I don't live in Flora anymore.

Tracy is a lovely child. She's as sweet as a cinnamon (I feel like she still is). She would come to my house, on foot, and would help me in my family's sari-sari store (that has long ceased to exist). I also remember how she would share her arroz caldo, which she cooked herself, with me and our friends.

I was planning to go to Flora on Friday so we can hang out, but she and her family will only stay until tomorrow.

It's extremely regrettable but what can we do. I guess I will just have to schedule my crashing out tonight at 10 in advance. I'm currently in public right now, lol.

I miss her so much.

[wishstarn]

🌷 — [06 mar 2025] diary log .ᐟ

i'm at gong cha, a 3-minute tea house away from home, and while on my way, i can't help but appreciate the weather today. on my walk here, the breezy wind perfectly mixed together with the warm, blazing sun, and breathing has never felt this exhilarating.

there's just something magical about a sun's golden warmth wrapping around you like a lazy embrace, while the crisp air caresses your skin. it made me uncharacteristically giddy about being alive for the first time since forever. i can’t remember the last time i felt this light. this excited to just... exist.

it's stiil 12:44 p.m. but i feel so accomplished already. i studied economics and nihongo this morning, and right now, i'm writing on my blog (which i've been ghosting these past few days)— typing words that feel less like obligations. small wins, but they add up.

thanks to the weather, i'm in a good mood

i hope this kind of energy of mine continues 'till the end of the year— the focus, the quiet joy, and the way everything today just clicked. this day felt like a gift and gratitude doesn't quite cover it. i hope tomorrow (and the days after it) will be a good day too.

[wishstarn]

RICE BALL ⚽? 🍙?

[wishstarn]

🌷 — [24 feb 2025] diary log .ᐟ

i did not do much today. i only studied for two subjects: (1) 21st century skills— for my certificate; and (2) economics.

tho i must address, i feel like i have done a lot. like, this is actually my most productive day so far this year. i feel happy and i can truly say that i enjoyed this day. me being contented, however, is a different story.

i felt so exhausted and drained after studying for only two subjects. i can't help but wonder if i already reached my limit.

i wanna be an economist or an economics professor in the future. but since i'm out of school rn, i decided studying econ in advance would make me feel a lot better yk. so that i can, at the very least, say that i am doing something.

i have been an n.e.e.t. for three years (not consecutively). i was ignorant to the fact that grieving could be this way. that it would take me all my energy and time to recover.

when i learned my younger sister's arm would have to be cut so she could survive (she didn't and we lost her a year later), for the first time, i felt incredibly hopeless.

but then, 6 months later, after we lost my sister, my father came next bc of stroke. and this is when i completely lost touch of myself.

i simply couldn't accept my father's death. i have so many regrets. my heart feels heavy every time i remember him. and as i do, i'm always reminded of how horrible of a person i am.

if, only, i accepted his apology and forgave him. if, only, i stayed when he asked me to and listened to what he wanted to say for the last time. if, only, i were mature enough and lowered my pride, i could've apologized too and said that i missed him and that i love him a lot and that i will forever be his sweet, little daddy's girl.

then maybe, we wouldn't have to bitterly part ways like we did. and i wouldn't be still grieving like this.

every single day, i feel disgusted at myself. how could i be so heartless? how could i, to my father?

i'm sorry, dad. please, do forgive this horrible daughter of yours. i miss you so much. i love you forever.

[wishstarn]

/) /) (｡•ㅅ•｡) get to know me ! ₊ ˊ˗ ♥ . .╭∪─∪─────────────────── ʚଓ ⁺. . .┊ name : coleen (coco) . .┊ age : 21 . .┊ pronouns : she / her . .┊ mbti & ennea : infj 5w4 . .┊ i enjoy : journaling, x-stitching, strolling, dancing . .┊ i love : books, films, music, animals, flowers . .┊ blog/s : wishstarn . .┊ social/s : twitter . .┊ why am i here ?? to have fun ♪(^∇^*) . .╰─────────────────── º❍｡° ✦₊ ˊ˗