with-eyes-wide-open

[with-eyes-wide-open]

26 April 2023

Pure emotion. Drama. High perspective.

I’m just repeating myself…

What is quiet confidence .

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Same day. On way to a date. Kind of not in the mood but it was too late to rearrange. Excited to be in a routine. On my way with next pieces of work. Feels like time slips away so quickly. Tomorrow I’ll draw whatever comes out. I feel flat, kind of sad. Probably in part because I haven’t had tea yet. Feeling very empty. Kind of want to cry. And watch a film with really nice food.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

(21 April 2023)

New body of work. Clean slate. ready to start afresh. Needed new slate. Debut album. Can push the boundaries. Too many ideas, need to just narrow it down. Getting distracted a lot. Making a plan. Reining it in. Opening it up.

EBTG’s new album out today.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

(09 February 2023) Sat at my temp job. Working on reception at a PR company. Simple enough. Receiving deliveries, answering the phone, welcoming visitors. Had a few interviews over January, following an intense three weeks of obsessively applying to jobs. I needed respite from the worry of money and not knowing exactly where it would come from. Applied to art galleries and to artist studios to see if I could get an assistant job. Frustrated in that it means I will have less time for my art. But trying to find the silver lining. Less time means I’ll cut out the crap and focus on what’s really important. I can use my day job for daydreaming. Accepted a job with a painter in Deptford. Very supportive and friendly. Seemed to have similar experience to me in working odd jobs. Also promised flexibility when it comes to needing time for my own projects. If i had a show coming up for example. Decided to take the plunge. Will be a better set-up than currently. No commuting to work on the tube. I’m sorting out a bike at the moment so it should be a quarter of an hour to work and back. Still 9-5, Monday to Friday. Worried about not having enough time for my work and not enough time for living. One of my new year’s resolutions is to live more. Mum is coming to visit me this weekend. I can tell she’s excited. Me too. Will be nice to spend time with her, just the two of us. Hopefully she’ll have a nice time. Seeing Fran tonight for a catch-up. Have a painting to finish and worried that realistically I won’t be able to work on it until next Monday evening. Will try to embrace the time away from it. Tonight when I get home I can take reference images for the next two paintings. At least I’ll feel like I’ve made a few steps forward. Dating on hold. Deleted all the apps. *Not just the apps, the accounts too. First time since I first opened them when I was 18. Feeling a relief. Free from the doomswiping. Not just looking out of boredom. 

[with-eyes-wide-open]

F8ck 0Ff

(15 January 2023)

I have this fantasy of fucking everything off. Deleting everything. Blocking everyone. Packing everything up. Living on my own. Living in my own studio with nobody to bother me. I feel overwhelmed, cooked up, prodded. I want to see people when I want to. I don’t like when I’m trying to work and I get disturbed. Literally everyone can f8ck 0ff.

I am better off alone.

I don’t have time to be doing things I don’t really want. Why am I trying to appease everyone? Why am I considering everyone else’s feelings so much? Why can’t I be a f8cking See You Next Tuesday. 

In the Vampire Diaries, vampires are able to turn off their emotions, in doing so becoming numb and dulling themselves from the world around them. In turn, you give up on your humanity, too. Right now that doesn’t seem to be too much of a loss. I want to give up on who I am and just and be carefree.

I am playing a part when I tell people I am ok.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Redirecting...

(18 December 2022)

Need to change the way I perceive reality. Don’t think I can keep going like this anymore. Am I just an innately negative person? No. Are things just shit for me? Am I up against all odds? It certainly feels like that...

Thinking about where I was a year ago. I have certainly changed a lot in my life. I now live in London. I’ve made new friends. I’m pursuing what I want to do with my life. Working towards a clear goal. Yes, there are a few things I need to adjust. But I’ll get there. What is there? Isn't that already here? I feel so lonely. I feel dull, empty. I feel tired. Uninspired.

Time for affirmations. Time to speak into the present the life I want. Time to take the small actions I can to make now just a little bit better. I have looked after my body, given it a good breakfast. Will go out later on to get some food for lunch. I love my life. 

[with-eyes-wide-open]

...

(2 December 2022)

Sat on the new sofa. Not so new to us anymore. Feeling better about moving in. More settled. Still have things to get for the house. Still feel anxiety about work and money situation.

Worrying about things that don’t even matter. It’s as if worrying was my favourite pastime. A great day today would look like... Calling to say I’m available on Monday and Tuesday next week, booking shifts, booking in work for Mondays and Tuesdays for the next few weeks, signing up to some temping agencies for the new year. Need to just accept that I’ll need to do two or three days a week of part-time work. Feel so resistant to it. Want to just make it routine. I spend so much time worrying. It’s time wasted.

What else can I complain about? Realised I feel really anxious in my body today. Deep breathing. What is there to worry about other than money? I can feel my mind searching for something else. The electricity bill. Not heard anything about that. Need to ring up. Have contacted bulb about the issues.

Need to get better at not letting tiny issues become such blocks. I just don’t like leaving things waiting around. Going to start painting now.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Return

(28 November 2022)

Need to get ready for bed. Should be in bed already. Wanted to sort out my website first though. Get it ready. Going to photograph and post new painting on Wednesday. Also going to work to completion on a new painting from tomorrow. Deadline is Sunday. Will see how far I get. Need to keep with this momentum. No distractions tomorrow. Giving myself thirty minutes tomorrow morning for life admin, the rest can wait. Tomorrow, need to have drawing finished for new painting. Wednesday morning I can buy a new canvas, project onto canvas, and start blocking in values... Sunday is the deadline.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Carrying on

(15 October)

Excited at the prospect of being able to paint today and get on with my work. So much to do and learn. Can't wait to finish these paintings... Worked out so many issues that hopefully will mean that I can work faster.

Just feel like time is going so quickly. Ordinarily I wouldn’t get so distracted. But with part-time work it’s hard to reset every time. Maybe that’s a new focus. Learning how to do turn to my art on cue.

Today success looks like finishing the painting of Lily. Even better, but not essential, would be to define some compositions for the new work. By the end of this month, I’d like to have finished both paintings. If I can make a composition on Blender that would be amazing too. 

Met this boy. He’s on my mind. Trying not to give him space in my mind. Thinking about previous relationships. Trying not to let old toxic habits slip in again. Was definitely overthinking the bit where he asked me to leave. For context, we’d already spent, as planned, all evening together at a restaurant, slept at his and spent the day walking around Greenwich park before going back to his. I was supposed to go and watch a friend’s performance but was told they were finishing earlier so I stayed at the boy’s a bit longer. After an extra hour he asked me to leave: “not to rush you or anything but I would like to spend some time on my own this evening and get ready for the week”. He was very affectionate afterwards and kissed me a lot. So really it’s all fine. Celine and Cecile reminded me of that. Don’t think he deserves to be victim to my overthought narratives, not do I.

Seeing Pablo later, can’t remember his code name. Really excited to see him and catch up. Then I’ll come back here and work.

Going to get on with some work now.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Tired

(14 October 2022)

Lost some balance. Feeling exhausted. Physically not so much but emotionally, yes. Worked six long days last week. No wonder I feel the way I do.

Jobs have been good.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

I long to be free

(31 October 2022)

Last day of the month. Feels like so much has happened this month which is crazy. Need to keep ploughing through. I’m in a great space at the moment. Feel very happy and lucky. Need to keep picking away at what I want and stopping to smell the roses. Something about describing the olfactory... I just don’t like it. Anything nose related. EW. 

The production I worked on on Friday ... insane. Like. Wtf. Still in shock. Don’t have the time right now to sit and describe it but. The amount of money spent, the amount of detail. Met some great people. I hope I can stay in touch with them. 

Hopefully moving into the new place on Saturday. Manifesting the finally stages of the references goes well and that the paperwork gets sorted quickly. Cba for it to drag.

Went to see the sculptor’s exhibition in Chelsea last night. Forgot how beautiful he is. The pieces were really beautiful. Funny when another gay turned up. Awkward. Anyway...

Have a date on Friday night. The person seems really nice. Should be fun. 

Very excited to be painting today. Working to bloody completion. 

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Doubt stops me from doing things

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Action pulls through

(27 October 2022)

Lots of changes. Hard to keep up. Processing. Rental offer was accepted on new property with Celine. Organising reference materials. Hoping it doesn’t fall through. Haven’t achieved anything with my art today. Call time tomorrow is 5am. Need to be at Euston for 3.50am. Will go to bed early tonight. Think I can get in a few hours of painting now. Then I will go and see my friend’s show. Pack for tomorrow.

Everything will be ok. Things are starting to happen. Action pulls through. 

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Observe don’t absorb

(25 October 2022)

If I can’t commit to a full workout, or full drawing session, I should just reduce that time so I at least show up. That way it’s harder to fall out of the habit.

Feeling on edge a little. Thinking about working tomorrow. Worried about money. Again. Hopefully one day I don’t have to waste my energy worrying about money. 

Going to focus myself on painting today.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Restless

(24 October 2022)

Felt very sick a few minutes after I’d woken up. Like I could have thrown up. My stomach was doing somersaults. Ate some porridge and feel a lot better now. Was going to go to the gym but justified half an hour’s more sleep, except I didn’t wake up half an hour later. Anyway. I’m starting work in 15 minutes, so I’ll work a full day then go for a run. Have a date tonight with a curator, think the conversation will be really interesting. Hope so anyway. Maybe quite helpful with my ideas. Often feeling stuck with them. Brb need the toilet. 

Ok just checked my app and they’re trying to move the date to another day. So much backwards and forwards. I just laid it out. Can’t do a morning because I’m a painter use the daylight, and I’m also busy the rest of the week. Kind of can’t be bothered.

Going to have a full day of painting today. And instead of the date, I’ll draw and go to the gym. Last week’s late night job messed up my schedule. Need to get back with drawing even just for a five minutes.

Getting restless now and want to start working.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Windmills

(23 October 2022)

Feeling guilty that I’m just starting to get to work now. It’s 10:49. Got out of bed 20 minutes ago. It’s not even that bad. I think I just know that my time is being taken more and more by part-time work that I just couldn’t care less about. Got asked to work today but I said no. Not for £55 for 7 hours work. thank you. It’s ridiculous. 

Went to a private view last night. Met some nice people. Not sure I liked the art that much. There was a little snail in one part that was cute. Noticed that a lot of people don’t really go to look at the art. More to catch up and see each other. Thinking more and more of just applying this year to an art school for a master’s or post-grad programme. Not sure how I’d afford it. Worth applying and then just seeing.

Just looked at programmes. Feeling slightly overwhelmed. Lots of work to prepare for an application. Part of me wants to take a risk and just keep painting and developing a practice on my own. A lot of energy to create all these works and pieces in only a few months. Deadlines are 11 December 22, 6 Jan and 31 Jan 23. The schools I want to apply to most are those closer in time. Really not sure what the answer is... Can you show me the way? A voice comes faintly: “apply, are you just delaying?”

I want to submit a strong, confident application. Good first impression. But ultimately it’s never going to be perfect. Let’s write a list on what I need for each application. Then we can make a plan of action. Something achievable. Decide readings - top three. Something I can complete. Applications get better over time. Even as an exercise in and of themselves, they’d still be useful. This sounds like a good plan of action.

Feeling better about the situation. Need to keep going. Keep this all as my main focus. Just plough ahead. Delusionally. Like Don Quixote.

[with-eyes-wide-open]

He loves like a painter

(21 October 2022)

Feeling ok today. Kind of frustrated that I didn’t get up to go to the gym. I could have gone the hour later but by the time I would have got home, I wouldn’t have been able to paint. I guess it’s about prioritising. Tomorrow and Saturday when I have clearer days, I can go and work out before painting.

Background anxiety about money. Feel like the squeeze is coming soon. Need to chase the app someone on a production I’m working on recommended and get some shifts through there. She said not to waste my time with a café job that pays £9.50 an hour. Also need to circulate my language business cards. Manifesting no money worries.

What else are you worried about? Not too worried about art, or painting, I know that if I keep working and sharing something will happen. If I go to a show opening once a week and befriend some people that will be good. I think it’s still ok for now to just keep the time for my making. When I get to like 10-12 pieces, people will know what type of stuff I’m making. 

Finally making progress with the Lily painting. Will finish off her face today, and if I can, I’ll do an arm/hand. Aiming to finish this one by the middle of next week. I can do it. 

Excited to sit with my new ideas. Will block out a whole day to follow what happens. I already have a lot of ideas for paintings but think it’s worth consolidating them. Deffo think the idea I had the other day about a utopian/apocalyptic reality (perhaps carnivalesque) and being serious and silly at the same time as a framework to confront my ideas might be fruitful. Worth developing some more.

Ok, I need the toilet. Going to start painting now. I have about two and a half hours...