withheartonsleeve - Tumblr blog

[withheartonsleeve]

I’m much more emotional about our “lasts” with Quinn - because although we didn’t “plan” on a third baby, she’s definitely our last. And I’ve felt so fortunate, grateful and proud to have been able to breastfeed my babies for so long (Ava and Thom 24 months each, Quinn 11 months and counting). This will be the thing - these sweet, cuddly, skin-to-skin moments that I know I’ll miss most and want to look back on when they are all moody teenagers and busy adults. It’s exhausting now, in the thick of it, but it’s also so special to be “needed” to provide nourishment and protection - and love. https://www.instagram.com/p/COBvqh0jBA_d4NSmoH4lcE2O1_HNIiSYNQE9u00/?igshid=1shz3xoxazwhm

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The Worst Anniversary (COVID: one year on)

This day last year we picked the kids up from school not knowing that a year on we still would not be back on campus. 365 days we’ve been on this Covid rollercoaster and my god, has it been the hardest, most challenging, quiet, and weird year.

It’s important to state here at the top that we’ve been extremely fortunate - we’ve not been sick, we’ve not lost our income. Life has been upside down but it’s been bearable, we’ve been together and life has gone on - for us. It hasn’t for nearly 600,000 Americans (& it’s changed forever for the family and friends they left behind), so I don’t want to sound or feel ungrateful.

But this has been a long and difficult year for us too. We dearly miss our families and friends, our schools, our sports and the freedom of life “before”. Experiencing pregnancy, birth and having a newborn during a pandemic that was - and is - a whole additional level of anxiety. Learning how to homeschool and virtual school and be together ALL. OF. THE. TIME was challenging.

It’s the little things that I miss too: I miss time away from my kids to decompress, not be a mom, not be needed for a short amount of time. I miss an excuse to wear makeup, look pretty and meet my friends for a margarita and some tacos. I miss the gym and working out with a community. I miss simply being around others and random conversations with strangers. I miss weekly trips Trader Joe’s goddamnit.

Some things I actually don’t miss - like afternoons filled with sports and activities. Always feeling rushed to be somewhere, doing something. This year of slowing down hasn’t been all bad.

I think about how the kids have adjusted and pivoted so many times this year and still they are happy and thriving. I NEVER would have EVER considered homeschooling in the past but I’m proud of us for having done the work this year - we went into it with pretty low expectations (coz, new baby) but I feel confident that Thom is ready for Kinder in the Fall and that is nothing short of amazing. Ava certainly misses being physically in school with her teachers and peers but she’s learning and reads so much, it makes my heart swell. And my beautiful, quietly determined baby is standing and taking wobbly steps and it’s all going by so fast and time could really slow down.

But it could also speed up because I’m ready for everyone to be vaccinated. I’m ready to travel to see our families (it’s been almost 3 years since I’ve been home to Australia) because I long for the day Quinn can be cuddled and kissed by her Australian and Vietnamese grandparents.

It has been some excruciating torture seeing friends and family in Australia living a fairly normal life this year (for contrast: Australia has had 26,000 cases total. San Diego has had more cases in A SINGLE DAY). And to feel like this Groundhog Day Covid life never seems to have an end in sight.

President Biden’s speech last night really was the light we all needed, showing us that the end of the tunnel is within reach. It fills me with optimism today, when I might otherwise be melancholy about this Covid time warp year milestone.

It’s strange to imagine the future. Will masks and hand sanitizer be thing we always carry with us from now on? Will large gatherings and indoor spaces be different?

Whatever it looks like, I’m ready to hug my friends, see our extended family and enjoy more of this precious life.

[withheartonsleeve]

My four year old son is obsessed with super heroes. This year, thanks to Covid-19, I’m homeschooling him (Preschool 4’s). Honestly, he’s pretty good and a fairly keen learner, but it’s hard for me to give him as much focus as he needs while I’m also torn between assisting his 2nd Grader sister (virtual learning) and the newborn.

Each week we focus on a letter of the alphabet and he loves finding a corresponding superhero to draw. In fact he loves the art element of his week so much that one day he dramatically announced: “Mom! I don’t want to learn! I just want to be an artist!”

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Like so many of us, I was heartbroken when Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died earlier this year. She was an idol and an icon but she was a light in the darkness, a tiny, quietly-spoken, whip-smart, incredibly hardworking trailblazer of a woman. She was deeply progressive and opinionated (I relate!) but still held deep friendships with conservatives (something I can only emulate). I plan to keep her legacy and the lessons of her work and life alive in my girls.

I couldn’t help but dress all three of us in “I Dissent”collars in her honor. They arrived in time for Halloween and Election Day and every other day of the year that we will remember her!

[withheartonsleeve]

10th anniversary blog: Go Vote!

Hello dear readers! It’s been two years of quiet over here (sorry!) But Tumblr kindly reminded me this week that this blog is now a decade old and it lit a fire under my butt to get back to the business of blogging.

Where to start? So much has happened in the last two years. Shit, just these last six months have felt like lifetime - goddamn 2020, amiright?!

A third baby, a pandemic, homeschooling. Life is full and busy. Time for writing has been... limited.

But writing was always such a fundamental part of my sense of self and so the email about this important anniversary seemed like an ideal opportunity to jump back into it.

This year has been overwhelming. The corona virus has turned all of our lives upside down. We have been in quarantine at home for six months. The political situation here in the United States grows increasingly frustrating as the election nears. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a personal hero to myself and my daughter, recently passed. John Lewis, freedom fighter and politician, died just months ago. The Black Lives Matter movement has picked up steam with the murders of Breonna Taylor and George Floyd (among many others). But our President tells white supremecists to “stand back and stand by” while he and others within the Republican Party are actively trying to suppress the vote and damage our democracy. Last night our Vice President, during the VP debate, denied the existence of systemic racism in this country. It is not shocking to hear such words fall from the mouth of an old white man in a position of great power. But it is outrageous and disgusting.

It feels like our world is on fire.

It can feel demoralizing. Paralyzing.

All I came here today to say is: Please VOTE. Vote like your rights depend on it. Because in 2020, more than ever before, they truly do.

*and obviously I’d prefer you vote Biden/Harris in hopes of preventing us all from going to hell in a hand basket as will surely happen under another term of Trump/Pence.

[withheartonsleeve]

We call on #CAleg to pass #AB931 and #SB1421 to keep Californians - especially Black women and girls - safe from police violence, abuse, and harassment #SayHerName @ACLU

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I’m so lucky to be their mama! 👩🏼❤️👧🏻👦🏻 #mothersday #grateful #somuchlove

[withheartonsleeve]

On Becoming an American Citizen

I moved to the United States almost six years ago. But before I met my now-husband, I had never considered moving here. When I visited a psychic back in Australia in 2008, before I moved to Cambodia, I was unbelieving when she predicted I’d marry an American and move here.

Because, to be honest, I’ve always felt pretty critical of (pre-Obama) America. The Americans I’d met while traveling around Europe were loud and ignorant and pushy – total stereotypes. And Bush-era politics were mind-boggling to this very liberal (some may even say, socialist) Australian.

So it feels pretty strange honestly to now call myself American. Of course, I’ll ALWAYS be Australian (and I’ll always be Australian first), but, even now, a year after submitting the paperwork for US citizenship, I haven’t quite reconciled how I feel about it.

But then, I think I’m still coming to terms with my identity as a mother and wife, as well as woman with a career on hold, and as woman in her (vomit) mid-late-30s… so adding a dual citizenry to the mix is an added confusion.

Obviously, my criticisms now, during a Trump-presidency, are forefront. Both of my children were born during President Obama’s tenure (we have “welcome to the world” cards signed by Barack and Michelle displayed proudly on the wall), and I had been so thrilled to contemplate becoming a citizen under the first ever woman President of the United States. I still remember the shocking moment on November 7, tears streaming down my face while listening to Hillary’s speech, that I realized I would have to become a citizen under Trump… and not wanting to. At all. But then realizing, I HAD to – so my voice could be counted in voting him out at the next election. And so I registered to vote on March 21, just hours after I swore my Oath of Allegiance.

My criticisms of America (health care, lack of gun control, racism and threatened civil rights topping the list) are not unfounded - just as my criticisms of Australia (inhumane approach to asylum seekers, racism topping the list) are fair. There are huge parts of this country I have not seen, where, outside of this beautiful blue California bubble, there are ways of life, political views, religious views, that I will maybe never understand. I hope to try.

But you know what? I am really excited about being an American. There is so much to be proud of here too. I’ve rarely met, in person, an American I didn’t like. There is so much creativity, so much community, so much to be inspired by, to be hopeful for.

And if the Trump presidency has shown me anything, it’s that there are millions of Americans, like me, who are no longer willing to simply hope that our elected officials will do their jobs. Now we are demanding it – in the streets, at the polls, over the phone, through letter, and over social media. We will be heard, we will become the change we need and that we’ve been waiting for. This is the silver lining to this ridiculous presidency, and I could never have imagined it would be so beautiful.

Although our current President does not make immigrants feel especially welcome here, I love these words by former-President, George W Bush:

“America has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens. Every child must be taught these principles. Every citizen must uphold them. And every immigrant, by embracing these ideals, makes our country more, not less, American” (2001).

I am proud to contribute to America’s long immigrant history.

I am a proud Australian-American.

I am Home.

[withheartonsleeve]

Conversations with my toddler: Kindness

Ava: Mommy, do you know what’s better than candy?

Me: Better than CANDY?!! What, baby?

Ava: Being kind.

I think this Advent Kindness Calendar is really doing the trick. We try to practice kindness (Random Acts of Kindness) throughout the year but we’ve been much more intentional this month. And it shows.

Dont worry, she’ll be pushing her little brother over within the hour.

[withheartonsleeve]

On being an activist... an Intactivist

Absolutely everyone who knows me, knows I’m not shy about voicing my opinion, especially on issues I believe passionately about.

If you are a friend of mine on social media, you may have even considered  “unfollowing” me in order to avoid political posts.

I believe I’ve toned it down somewhat over the years because I know not everyone cares to hear my views on every subject. But when it comes to certain issues, I simply can’t stay silent. And actually, I think, in many cases, silence is absolutely worse than speaking out and potentially offending some people. Progress would never be made if we sat silently by while other people’s rights are violated or neglected.

Gender equality. LGBTIQ rights. Black Lives Matter. Refugee rights. Voting access. Women’s access to abortion and reproductive decision-making.  

And, more recently, intactivism. I would say I was an Intactivist (a person against routine infant circumcision, who believes boys are born perfect and that circumcision is an absolutely unnecessary, cosmetic procedure) well before becoming a boy mom – I just didn’t know there even was such a term before.

Whether or not to circumcise Thom was not even a discussion point for us. His daddy is intact (or ‘whole’) like 70-80% of boys and men worldwide, and has never had a single issue. I believe in body autonomy: I did not pierce Ava’s ears – she can decide if and when she gets that done. Likewise, if Thom thinks his penis is ugly down the track, he’s welcome to choose circumcision. #HisBodyHisChoice

I do not believe a healthy, functioning part of a body should be removed. I do not believe circumcision is “cleaner” (boys are just as capable as girls of cleaning their bodies). I do not believe a boy should be cut simply because his father is, to avoid any possibly awkward conversation about why their bodies are different (can you tell me how a child’s body is like that of their adult parent’s body anyway? And also, what a perfect opportunity – one of many on our parenting journey - to discuss difference and acceptance, not to mention the value of education and challenging outdated cultural traditions).

Foreskin has 16 functions and contains more than 16,000 nerve endings. An infants intact penis requires NO special cleaning – you simply wipe it like a finger (the foreskin is fused to the glans until – it depends on the boy – at least age 4, after which a pull back, clean with water, and replace is all that is necessary. Much like a girl’s vagina).  Infections can happen and these can be treated with antibiotics, as any other infection would be (we don’t cut our girls if they have multiple UTIs, why would we cut our boys?) Statistics show that 98% of those boys and men who were kept intact remain that way their whole lives; legitimately medically-necessary circumcision is rare.  Routine Infant Circumcision (RIC) is uncommon in many other industrialized nations - circumcision rates in the UK, Sweden, Finland, Australia, New Zealand, Canada for example are all low and shrinking every year. And it’s completely unheard of in the East. There are even movements within Jewish and Muslim communities to end the practice of RIC.

If I’m brutally honest with you, I believe routine infant circumcision (circumcision that is conducted without any medical reason, without a child’s consent) is genital mutilation and a violation of that child’s human rights. A small number of infants actually DIE during this procedure (the exact number is unclear, but frankly any death is unacceptable given this is not a medically necessary surgery) and complications are commonplace (circumcisions can be ‘too tight’, painful adhesions can form, any remaining foreskin can refuse to the glans needing to then be re-circumcised – and more). The psychological impact on a baby is also not fully understood, but is theorized to impact bonding, breastfeeding and cause emotional trauma. Not to mention the immediate concern that a baby has an open wound in a diaper full of urine and feces (a perfect combination for infection).  I also challenge any parent considering circumcision to watch a video of the procedure. Your tiny newborn, strapped to a table, given (usually, and not always) a sugar-coated finger to suck, clamped and cut in his most vulnerable place. I literally want to vomit and scream at the horror of it.  

So yeah, I have a strong opinion about the topic. But I have tried to avoid posting too much about it because I estimate about 70-80% of the boy moms I know circumcised their boys. And I don’t want to make anyone feel badly for the choices they made – choices I know they made with the best interests of their child in mind.

Every single mother I know well is a fantastic mother.  I do not want to make anyone feel criticized or shamed. I do however want to educate because I want to save future babies.

But I also don’t understand how you can properly research the subject of circumcision, and still choose it for your child, knowing all I’ve stated above. I know a lot of parents don’t even realize they have a choice (because the practice, especially in America, is still fairly common), and I believe many have already made a decision and pick and choose their research to back up that decision.

I’m motivated to write this post today, because a woman I have never met (though who is part of a local parenting group on Facebook) reached out to me today to let me know I’d changed her mind on circumcision after she came across a post I made (looking for intact-friendly pediatricians locally). She has a beautiful 1-year-old boy, who was circumcised, because of cultural traditions. She is now a regret mom and has begun discussing the subject with her husband and wishes she’d had more information before her son was born. She would make a difference choice for her son today.

This truly makes my heart happy. It does work: having difficult conversations really can reach other people. It can change minds. It can save babies.

I hope it saves yours.

[withheartonsleeve]

I'm not kidding when I tell you last night was our first Date Night in FOUR YEARS. So, long overdue. And so, so fun. I joked that it wouldn't be as much fun, having incredible, expensive 5-course dinners, if we did it all the time, but it was strange and lovely to get dressed up and enjoy adult conversation. And I didn't miss having to feed someone else, pick food up off the floor, and eat as quickly as possible so we could get out of there before a tantrum. No, strangely, I didn't miss that at all...

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Traveling with children: a lament from the road

As I mentioned in my previous post, we've just spent the last two and a half months traveling with our children to Australia and Vietnam. There are so many benefits to traveling with children. Too many to list them all, but they include: * Obviously, invaluable time spent with family * Exposure to different cultures, religious practices and languages * Learning to be flexible, adaptable & patient * They learn just how lucky they really are (because they see other children and families who aren't so fortunate) * We find perspective - seeing the world through a child's eyes (& through their questions) shows us what really matters (& what doesn't) * Witnessing difference builds character and compassion * Creating great family memories We also hit some milestones while we were away this trip: Thom turned 6mo in Australia, where he learnt to sit on his own, and started eating solids. He turned 7mo on an airplane heading across the Pacific. He learnt to crawl in Vietnam and his interest in solids exploded (this kid eats SO much!). Ava's interest in Vietnamese language also piqued this trip ("Mommy, how do you say xx in Vietnamese?" was a constant question on her lips this trip). So it's been great. Let me tell you though, being away from home, especially for a long period of time, can be really challenging for children (& therefore for us)! It's a bit easier in our experience with a baby, who sleeps more and breastfeeds regularly still, but it gets harder when they start crawling (& nothing is baby proofed) and wanting to stand and bounce and develop their independence. Of course we can't bring with us the exercauser or other bigger toys that allow him this freedom, so it's hard to amuse him and exhausting to hold him more of the day than we would at home. Plus there's the added trouble in some places (like Vietnam) finding large flat, clean spaces to spend on his hands and knees. But the toddler, of course, presents more challenges: Meltdowns over nothing. Ignoring us when we call for her. Blatantly doing what we've just told her not to do. Being overly rough with her baby brother. Waking up her baby brother. Potty accidents despite being potty trained for more than two years. You name it, she's doing it. And it was driving me CRAAAAAZY. Of course, it's possible that these behaviors are simply typical "threenager" shenanigans, but as we near the end of our trip, I am counting the days to returning to the familiar, and providing the kids with the routine and structure they so clearly need. Despite the challenges, we will of course continue to travel with the kids. Goodness knows the challenges will change over time anyway and it should, I hope, become easier as they get older. But the benefits far outweigh the challenges in any case, at any age. And if we survive this trip, surely anything is possible?! Have you been on a long journey with young children? How do you provide the structure and routine they need?

[withheartonsleeve]

Home

I love traveling. Love it. There's nothing more thrilling than exploring unfamiliar cities. Tasting new foods. Meeting new people. Learning new things. Building understanding of other cultures and religions and lifestyles. I truly believe - I know - that our world would be a much better, kinder place if we all traveled to places that are not like home. If we could push ourselves outside of our comfort zones and saw (even experienced) the daily lives of others, if we asked questions, opened our eyes and ears and hearts to others, we'd be less fearful, more humane. (I digress, but the political times we find ourselves in cloak me in sadness and concern) But, as much as I love to travel, it's always good to go home. For us, a multi-racial, international family, "home" is any one of three places: San Diego (where we live), Australia (where I'm from), and VietNam (where my husband is from). We'll be home in San Diego in about a week. We'll have been on traveling for almost three months. Right now we are with my husbands family in a small rural province in northern Vietnam. We'll have been here a month by the time we leave - we came to introduce our 7 month old son to the family and celebrate Tet/ Lunar New Year. Before that we spent almost 2 months in Australia with my family - for Christmas and New Year. Two and a half months on the road? Cool, right? Yup. And also bloody hard with two young kids (I'll write a separate post on this later). It has been amazing. I love Australia. I love it so fucking much. I love my family and friends and it takes no time at all before it feels like I never even left. Australian summers mean swimming every day, seafood, the beach and cricket on the TV (or in the backyard). It means Christmas carols and a convoy with the cousins to see the Christmas lights. It's toad hunting with Pa, a swing in the hammock, and all the best food from my childhood. It's fresh cut grass and heavy rain on a tin roof. And it's awesome to come to Vietnam. I love this beautiful country and my husbands kind, generous and hard-working family. It's big family meals three times a day. It's a midday nap - every day. It's loud music and talking and laughter. It's dusty and dirty and real. I love seeing our kids with our families, experiencing our different cultures, and expanding their vocabularies (or slang, in the Australian case ;)) I love seeing them build relationships with their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. But two and a half months on the road have been tough and we are all excited to be home in San Diego next week. We had not anticipated when we booked the Australian flights almost a year ago, that the trips would be back-to-back. When it came to booking the Vietnam trip, we ended up deciding to have just two nights in San Diego between flights, arguing that it would be better to just "fly through" one prolonged jetlag rather than suffer a week of jetlag in San Diego and then another week of jetlag in Vietnam... I'm not sure if it was a good idea or not. I still stand behind the theory but the flight to Vietnam is always excruciatingly long and was too much on poor Thom (who was only just 7 months old). Not fun at all. You know what else isn't fun? Living out of a suitcase (or three suitcases) for months on end. Not always having easy access to a washing machine (parents will especially understand this because children - especially babies = mountains of laundry). Replacing whatever it is you forgot to pack (shampoo and conditioner, hair blow dryer (it's freezing here!), sippy cup, etc etc. So, we may not book back-to-back trips again, and as much as I'm desperate to get home and back into our real life routine, I'm already thinking about when we'll next see our families and be packing our bags with excitement of the journey to come. Bon voyage!

[withheartonsleeve]

Story by Ava

Once Upon A Long Time Ago... there was a beautiful Princess named Ava. She loved to sing. And dance. And poop. And do crafts. (Giggle giggle). The End

[withheartonsleeve]

This week has been tough. The Election results were shocking and devastating. Like so many of us, I'm heartbroken and feel so out of touch with the large proportion of Americans who are happy with the result. I've cried a lot this week - for Hillary, for my daughter, for POC, for minorities, for the LGBTQ community, for America. But...this is democracy. So, we must accept the result and fight for progress, for our rights, for our future.

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And to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams.

Hillary Clinton, U.S. General Election concession speech, November 2016

[withheartonsleeve]

Future Election Day geek, just like mama! #imwithher #wearwhitetovote (at Rancho Peñasquitos, San Diego)