withlovearya

[withlovearya]

everything's a cycle

april 15, 2025

to: piyen

hi precious, sorry kasi dinamay na kita dito HAHAHAHA.

also i really find "piyen" cute huhu. there was this maricious au and your nickname in that story was "pien" from PPN (read as pi-pi-en) and i found it so cute so i've decided to have my own version (baka kasi sabihin gaya-gaya ako char) and now i'm gonna call you "piyen" in my own world haha i hope i don't accidentally call you that in person lol. but one day i hope i can ask you if i can call you that wahahaha.

moving on, i felt like addressing this entry to you because i found something funny and silly. so i'm re-reading all of my entries on this account and i had an entry last july 1, 2022. it was your birthday, but i didn't know you back then (i'll be knowing you by august that year though because of drag race philippines season 1). funny enough, my entry was about how i did not push through enrolling at UPFI for their BA Film course. i was shocked because i forgot that I already knew about the second degree admissions back then. i found it funny because it was on your birthday and you're the one who brought me back to pursuing my dream of becoming a filmmaker this year, and you're even helping me reach that dream! IT'S JUST SO CRAZY!!! life is unpredictable and silly. who would've thought right???! i hope i can share this story to you one day, for now i'll just write it here, share it to you telepathically haha.

on another note, life is really just a cycle. reading through my entries had me laughing because damn self, you're really going through the same shit again. i felt like my world was continiously collapsing back then but okay girl you got through it, and now it feels like the same shit is happening. i know i'll get through it, as i always have, but right now i'm just really suffering. and i'm sorry piyen that i trauma dumped and cried in your arms huhuhu. but thank you, for comforting me, giving me an opportunity, and changing my life. you mean the world to me, i'm really thankful i got to know you. sorry if i'm gonna say sorry again, but really, sorry because there are still times that i doubt myself and punish myself. but i do promise you that i'll continue to do my best, i will find a job, the next time we meet i'll be giving you really good news! and then the next time, i'm gonna tell you i got in at my dream film school, and then the next we'll be making our film!

you inspire me so much piyen. mahal na mahal kita ma.

with all my heart, arya

[withlovearya]

forgiving myself

july 1, 2022

to: 배프

yesterday was the last day of submissions for University of the Philippines’s BA Film second degree applications. a friend of mine was kind enough to think of me and tell me about it because she knows i've been wanting to study again and take up a film course. i was actually stoked and was set on applying but… i got scared again. not because studying film might be hard and all but because of how i’m supposed to balance studying and working. despite that i actually thought of asking my company's HR if i could be a working student and if the company would allow me to have a flexible schedule. if not, maybe i can take night classes instead and fewer units. another thought was that, would i be a scholar or would i need to pay my tuition fees? my friend said there were scholarships and i could ask admissions if i ever pass. but the things is, yesterday was the deadline, i didn’t do anything, i missed the opportunity. i even feel ashamed cos i even told direk petersen, one of my favorite directors, i was planning on applying and studying again… you see, i could’ve had the money for the application fee, my documents here with me, i just needed to have my 2x2 photos taken. but i did nothing. fuck me for doing nothing, for succumbing to the fear that i may not be able to study while doing a full time job, that my schedules won’t allow it, won’t fit. what if i needed to go to the university during weekdays? what if i needed to film something but i had full time work?

a part of me have decided to let it go this time. to focus on working, paying off my debts, saving up money so i can at some point work as a freelancer and then i could enroll in uni so that my time would be more manageable. there’s so much shit i have to fix first in my life before i dump a whole wave of responsibility on me again. i even need to save up and look for a higher paying job if i really wanted to move out from this house soon. enrolling and studying again, i figured, might just break me to pieces because i know i wouldn’t want my studies to be jeopardized by my personal problems. so yeah, and because i recently just watched Everything Everywhere All At Once and it shot through my heart, i’m forgiving myself for giving up this opportunity, for letting it slip through my hands. i was actually hating myself for it and for my current financial problems. i’m forgiving myself today. i know multiverse me is probably doing well, but for now, current me needs to be forgiven, so she can face what lies ahead with her chin up, so she can anticipate whatever shit the universe might throw at her.

i’m forgiving myself.

i’m forgiving myself.

with love,

arya

[withlovearya]

may 25, 2022

to: 배프

have you guys listened to harry's house? please say yes!!! huhuhuhu it's such a good album and i love it so dearly!!! i feel like my top three would be grapejuice, matilda and satellite.

speaking of matilda, it just hits very close to home you know. the chorus felt like someone just stabbed me on the chest out of nowhere!

here in my country, it's pretty common to be living under the same roof with your relatives unless your parents are capable enough to get a house of your own, which in my case, they're not. so things have been pretty much chaotic. it was actually fun when i was younger because i was a kid, i did not entirely know a thing about adulthood and was pretty much innocent about a lot of things. my dad died early, my only brother was taken by my relatives to the states when we were kids, and i only have my mother by my side. much like lady bird, i had a love-hate relationship with my mother. but growing up, you see and realize a lot of things, you see the true colors of your relatives and how they treated and is still treating my mother and now me. home was not home anymore. i used to beg for school to end so i can go home. when i reached college, i would wish the traffic to be longer so i wouldn't be home. sometimes i would do my research and projects at coffee shops because i didn't like the environment back at home--people always shouting, fighting, screaming at each other. even now actually.

the moment i started earning my own money and especially when the elections happened, i got to see more of the true colors my relatives have. they would talk behind my back, belittle me for being a scholar student back in college and studying at a 'public' school and not some prestigious university. my aunt who provides food for us in our house would sometimes get mad and would call us freeloaders. one of my uncles i recently hated because he physically hurts people when he's mad or drunk. it's just very chaotic.

i badly want to move out, but i am not financially capable. i will provide for me and my mom when i move out. house rent prices here are not cheap. there may be cheaper ones but i actually want to live in a decent house still. i'm also considering buying a cheap house and lot with the help of a government financial thing here, but i'm bad at decisions so i really don't know what to do. i didn't expect adulting would be this hard and complicated and i feel so lost i just want to pause the world and catch my breath. but i really do wanna move out soon. but then i have to pay the house, electricity, water, groceries, new furniture and appliances.... it's just to much and i'm not really earning much :((((

i really hope that the day this current house we live in gets renovated, i can find a cheaper house to rent or to buy and i can move out. i'll be saving up fo real now i just also have to pay my debts. remind me to save up and not buy unnecessary shit huhuhuhu. saving up is hard cos i like rewarding myself cos growing up i don't get to buy things i really want cos i didn't have the money :((( sigh. life's so hard, i did not sign up for this hahahskdjfk. can i just be youtube famous and earn tons of money???? hahaskdfjk i can't even buy my dream canon mark g7x so i can start my vlogging channel huhu. vlogging with my phone is hard cos i don't have much memory hahaha.

oh and before i forget! seungyounie, congrats on colorful trauma!! yugyeomie, i'm so happy for the comeback!! *sobs* hahaha jungkookie, looking forward to proof!! nayeonie, can't wait for your solo album!!! wooseokie, loved seeing your fansign photos! haha stay safe bub!

i hope you're all well!! stay safe, i heard covid cases are rising again in south korea! eat lots of healthy food and drink your water & vitamins!! hoping still to see you guys soon!

[withlovearya]

may 18, 2022

to: 배프

ok so my last post was pretty much long already so i’m writing a separate one to share what happened during my birthday last may 8th.

to be honest, nothing happened. hahahaha. i did not feel like celebrating my birthday this year. i’m also broke so i did not have money to buy food for a celebration. i went to church with my mother and then we went to the mall to eat udon (noodles for longer life lol).

i didn’t have cake which sucked. the next day, after casting my vote, my mother and i went to my favorite coffee shop again, cbtl, to have coffee.

the next day may 10, which is the day i get half of my salary for the month. i took a vacation leave and we were supposed to go to a mall farther from home but ended up at my favorite coffee shop again. this time i ordered a slice of cake bcos it felt so wrong to not have at least a slice of cake to commemorate my birthday hahaha. unfortunately i did not blow a birthday candle but i did make a wish.

so that’s how my 24th birthday went. i thanked everyone who greeted me on social media. kinda sucked i wasn’t able to go out with friends. but then again, i’m financially struggling i really can’t treat my friends out :((( i’ll treat them when i’m more financially able, i promise that.

kinda sad that no one’s still surprising me for my birthday. cmon friends do better!! haha just kidding. i just always daydream about getting surprised for my birthday ever since i was in high school hahaksjs. it’s my dream now, to get surprised during my birthday. so that for once in my life my birthday would actually be special.

[withlovearya]

may 18, 2022

to: 배프

hi. it’s been a while again. A WHOLE LOT of things happened the past weeks. the intense last weeks of the elections’ campaigning period, my birthday, the elections itself, and the post-election results & anxiety + the stages of grief. i don’t even know where to start. but actually, i’m here, writing, so i can distract myself from sociald media. i’m gonna go and try to be in social media less again because the past few weeks i was very much into it because i also wanted to campaign for my chosen candidates for the elections in our country. i’m gonna try and write my thoughts more in here or my personal tumblr or just write them on paper, on my journal. i’m also getting back to reading again and watching my long list of films, series & kdramas. wish me luck i guess!! social media’s really bad for my mental health so this is a healthy decision. i promised myself i won’t share everything online and just share bits & pieces. like be mysterious cmon hahaha.

anyway, speaking of the elections, i was campaigning fo our current vice president, leni robrebo (or the pink woman as people outside the philippines might know her of) for president and senator kiko pangilinan for vice president along with the other senatorial candidate i’m vouching for. i was pretty much more active about campaigning the last few weeks. i got to join 2 rallies or like campaign gatherings. i got to be a volunteer at the miting de avance!! it was such a great experience! i volunteered as a food committee personnel and we gave out free drinks and snacks to the people attending the rally. seeing people’s smiles and them being grateful for the free food was so heartwarming. seeing people fighting and standing up for the greater good, for the candidates who we believe will serve our country and its people better, those who are such great leaders and inspirations, those who have concrete plans for the country. i will always be proud i fought for these people, these candidates.

fast forward to the elections, unfortunately the opposing candidates, the ones with bad records of corruption, have no concrete plan, faked a diploma, part of a dynasty, were winning with absurd numbers. the elections was a mess. from faulty voting machines to vote buying and such. no wonder the opposing candidates have an absurd number of votes. it’s so infuriating!!! supporters of those candidates were even mocking us and spreading lies, fake news. people on social media are gullible to fake news and we consider that one of the reasons they were able to make others believe they’re worthy of their votes. it’s crazy and maddening. the opposing presidential candidate is a son of a dictator who brought so much misery in our country years ago and i can’t believe they would vote for him, for someone who never apologized to his victims, victims of martial law, of oppression and toture and unjust killings. i can’t believe this is what our country has gone into.

i can only pray and hope, that what happened it the past won’t happen again. and i believe in my fellow kakampinks (leni’s supporters) that we are the spark of change, the spark of movement. we will continue to fight, to help those in need, to be volunteers. we will help save this country.

i hope you guys voted and vouch and hope for the betterment of your own country too! i heard south korea has no laws to protect the lgbtqia+, and some of the leaders are misogynists. i hope women can be protected more in your country.

i’m praying and hoping for the best for both of our countries. stay safe guys!!! take care of urselves!! i hope we meet someday, in this lifetime.

love,

arya

[withlovearya]

march 10, 2022

to: 배프

(trigger warning: self-harm)

i feel so ashamed of myself. for cancelling plans, for borrowing money just so i can go to the beach cos my friends want me to go with them and i’m financially struggling. i’m ashamed of myself for starting to cut, though i haven’t cut to the point that it bleeds because it fucking hurts, i just felt like doing it these days to punish myself and now i have somewhat visible scars on my wrist which i am now also ashamed of. i’m ashamed of myself, for trying to act like i’m financially stable when i’m not. i’m ashamed of how i’ve been living and how i’m living. i just really wish i could eradicate myself at times. or maybe have the freedom and privilege to go somewhere far and make people forget me so i can start a new life where no one knows who i am, how much of a mess i am, how pathetic i am. i don’t know what to do with my life at this point. i can’t even look into the future even though i keep being anxious about it, about what bad decision i may do next. i wish i could just pause everything, or just let the world go on without me. why did no one tell me life was going to be this tough once i get older? i could’ve prepared for it, i could’ve done things earlier or fixed my shit earlier. i’m ashamed of myself for being a fan sometimes too because my mental health won’t let me keep up with everything that’s happening. sometimes social media poisons my brain too so i try to avoid it at times. i know i shouldn’t be ashamed i can’t buy merch but i am, cos my braincells would tell me i’m not a real fan or something, though i also know my love and moral support for you guys is enough. plus your music keeps me going, which is what you’ve wanted the most right? for your craft and your art to help me get through this cruel world, this fucking life. and i am also ashamed that even though your music does keep me going, sometimes they just won’t work, sometimes the pain, the fear, the darkness is so much bigger that i feel so helpless, that i can’t see a tiny bit of light anywhere, can’t even feel a hand reaching in to pull me away from the void. i’m ashamed of myself. and i’m sorry, for being ashamed of myself.

with love,

arya

[withlovearya]

march 6, 2022

to: 배프

하지만 다른 사람들은 어떻게 할까요? 너무 힘들어요…

정말 최선을 다하고 있어요.

with love,

arya

[withlovearya]

march 4, 2022

to: 국이

(trigger warning: self-harm)

hey, thank you. for posting on twitter. it truly made my day. i somehow feel like we’re connected by an invisible string. i mean, well, maybe i’m being delusional but okay let’s be delusional life is but a fleeting moment. it’s just that whenever i’m going through the worst of the worst, most times, you come around posting on twitter or weverse or even instagram now and for a moment rays of light peek through the heavy dark clouds above me. and it’s amazing, how a person who doesn’t even know i exist could make such a big impact in my life, could make me not think about grabbing my scissors and trying to harm myself even though i hate how it hurts and would leave a scar if i push through it. so yeah, thank you bestfriend!! yes, we’re bestfriends. there’s nothing you can do about that! :p i hope you’re having a great day!! take it easy on ur practices! stay hydrated and eat lots of good food!

i may or may not be able to watch the concert due to financial problems but u know, we find ways, i hate to admit it but i almost always just watch illegaly hahaha fuck capitalism am i right? ㅋㅋㅋㅋ nevertheless, i’ll always support u guys whether i watch or not. it’s one thing that will always be constant in my life—my love and support for the seven of u! 💜

with love,

arya

[withlovearya]

march 4, 2022

to: 배프

i wish i could just run to you guys whenever i feel like my life’s crumbling down to pieces. i wish i could just run into ur arms and cry my frustrations away. i wish i could run to you guys and we would go somewhere empty and shout our angers out loud, free our hearts from the heavy feeling the cruel world has brought upon it. i wish you guys knew i existed. i wish you guys were really my friends, my older siblings of sorts, my protectors, my reason for fighting and choosing to breathe every single day. i could only wish. i feel like my whole life’s just been me wishing for greater and better things i will never achieve. and i’ve wasted all my time doing that. i’m wasting my life, my life’s a waste. i wish i didn’t exist.

truly sorry,

arya

[withlovearya]

february 14, 2022

to: 배프

(trigger warning: self-harm)

sometimes i feel like i’m forcing myself to people. like they don’t actually want me to be their friend. like i’m being annoying by oversharing stuff about me and my worries and problems. but then again maybe i’m just being hard on myself 😔

idk i guess i crave reassurance, constant reassurance from people that they like me, want me, and that my feelings are valid. bcos all my life i’ve always felt like a burden to the people around me. i think that’s how i learned how to be quiet. to not say my thoughts and keep everything to myself.

i’m trying to change it, sharing more and talking more. but at the end of the day it would really make me anxious and i regret doing it and i feel ashamed of myself. especially, most especially, when they don’t reply back (when i message them). and then i sink into this darkness, into self-pity, existential crisis, and self-harm 😔

i’ve been reading this book called A Little Life and i feel like somehow it has a negative effect on me. it has a lot of trigger warnings and heavy topics. it triggers me at times, since i feel that heavy burden myself, and sometimes i think of hurting myself too, actually tried hurting myself too. but i’m glad i could still control myself, that i know better, and so i’d stop and just wait for the heavy feeling to pass.

i hope you guys are well, that none of you are feeling the heavy feeling i have, that you’re enjoying life at the moment 🤍 please do take care!! covid’s still out there. i love u guys so much and i wish u knew that (but i do know that you know, somehow, when the universe gives u a warm feeling it means uve received my love)

with love,

arya

[withlovearya]

january 20, 2022

to: 배프

어떻게 지냈어요?

i'm currently taking life one step at a time, slowly and in my own pace. i started watching one piece and euphoria! i'm also catching up with our beloved summer which made me not continue reading norwegian wood 😩

it's so hard when u want to do a lot of things at the same time hahaha

have you been watching any series or anime lately? or maybe reading a book?

with love,

arya

[withlovearya]

📋 !!!

(방탄) 주니 - kim namjoon, 국 / 국이 - jeon jungkook, 호비 - jung hoseok, 윤기 오빠 - min yoongi, 진니 오빠 - kim seojin, 침 - park jimin, 태형이 - kim taehyung

배프 - jungkook, seungyoun, wooseok, yugyeom & nayeon (friend group)

우욘 - cho seungyoun / woodz

우석 - kim wooseok

겸 - kim yugyeom

나연 / 나봉 - im nayeon

piyen - precious paula nicole

[withlovearya]

february 14, 2022

to: 주니

I’m reading A Little Life. It’s tough, really tough. I’m having a tough time, myself–in life, financially.

I don’t know if you have read this book already. But if not, I hope you read it!! It’s actually really nice even though it’s kind of like misery porn.

Anyway, I’m actually kind of ashamed of myself because I feel like I have been failing you. For succumbing into the darkness inside my soul sometimes. I know you want me to be happy, feel better. I watch your videos with your comforting words. But sometimes life just gets the best of me 😔 And I hope you understand that, and that you know I’m trying my best to still get up and get through the things. I hope I can still make you proud.

Thank you always for your nice words Joonie. You’re inspiring me a lot these days, keeping me going. You’re one of my source of comfort. I hope you’re having a nice day. I love you a whole lot. I’m thankful you exist. 🍁🤎

With Love,

Arya