withlovefromnik-blog - Tumblr blog

[withlovefromnik-blog]

I wish I had more friends

That awkward moment when you realize you have no friends. This may be a bit of an exaggeration because in reality I do, I do have friends. Those very few friends that are always there or come around, the ones that I actually have an understanding with. I'm off from work for 2 days on whats supposed to be a beautiful weekend weather-wise and I was excited to finally have some sunshine+ time off to just enjoy. But its rather awkward/depressing that none of my friends are free to do anything. Everyone's busy with work or whatever. And I completely understand because I have a job too. This isn't the first time this has happened when I desperately want to make plans and go out and enjoy my time with some friends but in the end am left with nothing but solitude. I enjoy my solitude on some days, don't get me wrong but on days like I would really love to go out with someone!! Not asking for much.

I think this place and town has really trapped me to a select few non compatible characters that I don't find interesting. I want to expand my network and meet to new people and make new friends! On a side note,  Drake is completely stupid for writing that song "No New Friends" dafuq? who doesn't want new friends ? I sure do! You never know who you might come across and I, to begin with, don't have enough real friends so yes I want new friends and I cannot wait till I get to leave for France to meet new people. Let alone France, I can't wait to start my new semester at Mason where I will probably meet more people on a more college like experience.

So there is hope...

[withlovefromnik-blog]

WTF mother nature!

I hate how I'm becoming more and more emotional on my "that" time of the month lately. I never used to PMS, never! Now a days, all I watch out for when I'm having mood swings is, uh oh I'm close to that my time of the month its probably why. PLUS the fact that I'm away from the one I love, so much fucking course work, being in the midst of two jobs, and my social life suffering quite terribly. So excuse me everyone out there, who I may take my frustration out on accidentally. I'm not a bitch, but my hormones are. I find myself getting more angry than anything, like I need to get a punching bag to let out my bottled up anger and frustration. Or better yet I should probably go running. The least thing I like to do but shed of some anger along with a few pounds that I desperately need to lose. I really need to get a life too, seriously. Create new healthy habits perhaps to spend my time on instead of over thinking which is currently my FAVORITE hobby in the world -___- its really messing with my head. I need distraction. A healthy distraction. Something's gotta give.

[withlovefromnik-blog]

Feeling ugly

It's one thing to look ugly, which Im naturally very good at, but feeling it is another aspect. Just looking at myself thinking who is ever going to wanna get close to me, this full of acne, pudgy and hairy beast. It's the pain of being ugly that one can actually feel! It kills you on the inside. And the best part of all of this, my boyfriend who has never seen me in real life is coming to see me in 4 days. How fucking fantastic. The webcam may have hidden all my flaws for the past year but now that he's actually going to see me up close and personal, I wonder if he would still feel the same way as he does. Probably not, I know my luck and most of all I know my ugly face and body up close. I should be prepared for a heartbreak...

[withlovefromnik-blog]

Love of my life comes in T-minus 12 days! AHHHHHHH

[withlovefromnik-blog]

Thinking myself into bad moods again...

Being in a relationship brings out your worst insecurities.  Jealousy, paranoia and self esteem are my biggest enemies.  I try to act to like everything is cool but behind doors I absolutely break down. I start crying over the dumbest things my mind can think of. For example, right now I'm balling because I think I'm ugly. I'm not good enough. And this isn't the first time it has happened. You know what triggers it? Jealousy. I'm jealous of girls who show interest in my boyfriend. Interested or not, even if a pretty girl is just friends with him I start thinking to myself oh he could be with her she's so much prettier than me and closer to him. I have developed this bad habit of comparing myself to others and that is exactly what makes me think I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough if I keep on this track. But I can't help it.  Especially when its with someone you love, you can't help but think why me? You could do so much better. There's so many pretty girls around you why do you love me? I can't even get to love myself. He's so handsome and I tell him he could do better and he denies it every time. He really does try his best to make me feel like I'm "beautiful" and "gorgeous" but in the end my brain doesn't want to accept it. It has never fully accepted these kind of complements actually. If anyone compliments me, it takes me a minute to process it. In my head I'm thinking "really? I'm pretty? No I'm just extremely average". I have never ever thought of myself as a pretty or above average looking person. I'm nothing special. Or maybe even less than average. I'm afraid this is leading to a serious self-esteem problem. The few times I do get into this funk my self-esteem goes down.

Its so bad I know I should stop! I'm seriously not this crazy as I sound, I'm quite the rational person when I'm in my right mind and my hormones are stable. But man, when these terrible emotions hit they hit you hard!

[withlovefromnik-blog]

I wish things would work themselves out and not be so complicated. I'm not that lucky, unfortunately.

[withlovefromnik-blog]

I'm a mess

I'm in a funk. I think. It has to be. Long distance love's sad funk. Its unhealthy how much I think about him, miss him, want to be with him. It's really taken over my mind, for the worst. These past few days I try to talk to him we try to keep a conversation but neither of us are in a good mood ever. The grey skies and the thousand miles apart is a very bad combination. I can tell its taking a toll on both of us. But we never want to give up. I know he says he will never give up but he must think about how hard this is just as much as I do. He always insures me that he'll be waiting for me and we'll make it through. All the things I like to think too but lately its just been a downpour of negative thoughts. I don't want to give up just as much as he does but when reality hits, we don't know it for sure. I wish I could tell him all of this but I don't want to be that negative person. I don't want him to think I'm giving up.

I'm literally a mess right now as I write this.. I'm breaking down. I'm not the person to cry but my feelings are too strong. So I have to let it out.

[withlovefromnik-blog]

Uncertainty is my worst trait

I always find myself confused in random situations.  I need to be better at figuring things out on my own. I just did something that I regretted doing immediately after. Applying early for Mason. I just realized that I could've waited until I completed my 2 years at Nova and transferred easily. But no, my impatience spoke quicker than reasoning did and I went ahead and applied. So much for trying to get out of here. I did it to be on the safe side but I should've known I could study abroad even if I had waited.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD? I just want to get out of here one way or the other. why does it seem so hard? So much thinking, so much figuring out to do. I wish I had someone to help me through all of this and answer all my questions. I need some guidance but there's no one. Just me. I can only rely on myself but I need to be careful and not make silly decisions.

[withlovefromnik-blog]

Losing

Ever feel like you're losing someone? Losing someone special that you are in love with, could you see them drifting apart? It's really scary. And I hope that is not whats happening with me. I feel like this because our lack of communication these past few days has been really bad. I used to talk to him everyday and now we barely get to spend time "together" (on the internet). Yes we have been busy, especially me. We have work and school and time difference and all this other bullshit that gets in the way. I REALLY hate this distance. Plus, how long can you just talk to your special someone for hours and hours until the conversation starts getting old. I know that may sound bad but sometimes I feel like are conversations have no substance. It's neither one our fault though, you can only do so much while talking online.That's what we've been doing for the past 7 months...

I just wish it didn't have to be all talk. I wish I could get to see him every now and again, be in his presence, go on a walk with him, watch football together, go out and have drinks together, hold his hand, hug him, kiss him which can say a lot more than words can ever. I'm sick of empty words. I just want it to be REAL.

[withlovefromnik-blog]

Birthday

T-minus 30 minutes till my birthday. I had a decent evening planned for my birthday but of course that didn't actually go through. Of course people cancelled on me as usual. Of course there's never any successful planning done with people here. I'm seriously so sick of this crowd. No one can ever come to terms, everyone wants their own way. I'm stuck being the mediator most of the time. This goes to show how badly I need to change my surroundings. I'm fucking stranded on my birthday. Thanks guys. I was so looking forward to getting out and just relieving my mind and making this birthday a little special. I don't mean to sound dramatic, that its my birthday so its a big deal. No, I just thought its a nice day to have all to yourself for once and enjoy it with a few other friends. But instead, I'm here blogging this out on tumblr.

So my one and only wish on my birthday is to move out of this area. ASAP

If I were given one chance to leave, I would take and never have to look back.

[withlovefromnik-blog]

Happy and sad

When you are down a lot, you cherish the happy moments more. But why am I down a lot lately? Where are my happy moments. Do I even get them anymore? I honestly can't remember last time I was truly content and happy with everything. I would really like to know how that feels, just once have things be my way or close to it.

And I don't seriously mean to be the downer depressed and negative person but this is how I genuinely feel. I feel there is happiness out there. I know there is better days than this but where are they? Life has been pretty quite and its slowly making me a bit depressed. I find myself trying to pull myself out of this black hole thats constantly trying to suck me in. I just hope my efforts really make a difference in me or I don't know what I would do with myself.

[withlovefromnik-blog]

To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people exist that is all.

This is one of my all time favorite sayings. Mostly because my goal is not to be one of those "most people" that just exist. To simply live does not mean you're alive.

But at this point in life, I exist. Simply exist. That is all