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[wokesoul999]

healing my trauma : part one

I used to be just a little girl with high hopes for myself once I became older. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could get away from my not so awesome home life and all the people who never really appreciated me or even really gave a shit about me and my well being to begin with. Those people consisted of my "family". I had friends I went to school with growing up that had great home lives with both parents and got everything they ever wanted because money was never an issue. I also had friends that grew up in the same neighborhood's I did that had very similar lives to mine. I grew up with an Opioid addicted mother and a step father that did not help my mom with her addiction, just made it so much worse. Other than my mom being married to my step dad she had different men come in and out the home every couple months. Sometimes she landed a boyfriend for a couple years but never longer than 3+ years. The men she dated was always the same. Barley holding a job or no job at all, did drugs or sold drugs or both. They were all wanna-bee white "thugs". Knowing damn well they couldn't last a day in a real Gantsa's life style. They all had "mommy" issues which isn't a shocker considering my mom had "mommy" issues too. Every single one of those men put their hands on her. Yelling and watching things fly across the room or hallway was the norm for me. Hearing all the bad things you do but never the good was the norm for me. I was a child being brought up in a home with no hope, no promise, no positivity and damn sure no love. The closest thing I ever got to "Love" was when my mom was loaded up on pain killers and gave me love every once in a blue moon when she felt like being motherly. I never made good grades throughout school, my mom was even a school teacher and I was failing every subject.. that's wild.

At a young age I always got very easily irritated and through a fit if something wasn't done the way I thought was correct. I remember being very emotional as a child not really understanding how to handle all the emotions I was feeling. I often asked "why me" as a child. I hated my life. I never understand how I could be delt such a shitty life. All I craved was happiness and peace and love growing up.

I have always loved hard and always saw the good in people no matter how many times they showed me the bad in them. I always gave people chance after chance. I never understood how I could give my all to the people I cared about but I was never enough. Every single person I've ever loved has left me. I ended up developing Abandonment Issues at a very young age because of everyone leaving me even though I loved them uncordially no matter how messed up they were.

I was S/A by my Grandma's second Husband. I was just a toddler when it started and it finally ended when I spoke to a friend about it at the age of 10 ,she was immediately concerned and told her mom about it. Her mom called the police and they picked me up that night. I was placed in Foster Care shortly after. They placed me in Foster Care due to being "Neglected" and "Abandoned" not once in the report did it mention S/A. I never was asked any questions by the police when I was taken from my grandmothers home. I had some therapy sessions about it , I went to 5 different offices that had this picture of a girl body (pg. rated) and they would ask me where I was touched and would want me to go into full detail about what took place. I repeated the story to so many professionals it started to get draining and I had to re-live it in my head every time. I realized quickly that these people keep asking me about a situation that they are going to do nothing about. I was just wasting my breathe explaining my traumatic experience to people that really didn't give a fuck. I never really gave a fuck until I was older. I grew anger at the fact that nothing happened to that man for doing what he did to me. How is it fair that I end up stuck with the trauma that comes from being S/A and the man that did it got to continue to sit in his musty ass chair and live his distrusting life with my grandmother that thought I was lying about the whole thing.

I've been misunderstood my whole life. I always heard something like..

"She is just a trouble making child."

"That little girl doesn't respect anyone."

"She is nothing but a liar."

"You were such a bad child."

"You never listened."

I was such a "troubled" child because I endured so much Trauma it developed into BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) I didn't become aware of it until I was 22 years old. I realized their was something wrong with me upstairs. It was more than just my shitty basic child hood or how I was never taught to express my emotions. I was always told to "suck it up" , "stop crying before I give you something to cry about." I never was able to feel what I needed to feel. I had to suck it up and hold my emptions in. I always had to be someone I never really was. I was a bad child because I craved Love, Affection and Appraisal. I saw that I got attention when I did bad things, even if it was not the attention I was seeking, at least I was getting something.

Today I am an adult who struggles with my emotions and expressing why I feel the way I feel. I don't trust anyone, because everyone always leaves. I struggle with not feeling good enough for anyone and then somedays I feel as if I'm too damaged for anyone to want me anyways. I come with a lot of baggage. I know this. I'm at a point in my life that I am completely aware of how I am and why I am the way I am, and yet that doesn't help me at all. I struggle everyday with who I am and my identity. I'm a mom of 3 young children. I don't want to mess them up because of my Trauma. I try everyday to make sure they don't go through anything I went through as a Child. Yeah I think I'm doing Okay with making sure I raise decent happy humans. I'm proud of the mom I've become. I learned at a young age what type of mom I wanted to be just by watching how my mother was. I never wanted to be anything like her. I would be a greater mother to my children than she ever was to me.

to be continued...

[wokesoul999]

Perfectly Worded.

where is the love for people who are manipulative by nature and are trying their best to fight it? we tell cluster Bs all the time that they're not inherently manipulative or toxic but what about those of us who are? some of us are inclined towards being toxic or manipulative by nature. some of us lack essential social functions like empathy and compassion, and it's not because we're evil, it's because repeated trauma degraded our brain's ability to perform those functions. it can be a constant, exhausting battle to not want to be cruel, but to have to fight your very nature to avoid cruelty. i think that those of us who have to carry that burden deserve love.