wolfbaenes - Tumblr blog

[wolfbaenes]

i have. i've had many spells get ruined because of pixie interference. and when cee was a toddler, barely old enough to dress herself, she stepped into a fairy ring. ended up in the unseelie court. the king liked her, because it's cee, who wouldn't like her? many years later, after we'd made it here, i snuck out one night, found a fairy ring... i asked the unseelie king to protect her, no matter what happened. then i entered the seelie court and asked their queen to protect cass. one was a much bigger bargain than the other, but i don't regret either. [he smiles over at boyd again.] technically, you've also met a fairy before: violet.

wait, have you actually met pixies and fae before?

[wolfbaenes]

hm... i think we should try it! it's totally worth it!

oh my god, i love sour skittles! do you think they would be good on ice cream? i mean, maybe the ice cream would cool off the sourness so your tongue wouldn't go numb!

[wolfbaenes]

jude dropped her eyes to the teddy bear again, guilt tearing at the skin of her chest. part of her feared what allison would have to say. whatever she said, whatever her reaction would be, it was justified. the anger, the disgust, the frustration that she had to feel⎯⎯jude felt it, too. she knew it as well as she knew her own skin; they were one and the same, at this point.

how was she supposed to live with this? how could she know what had happened, what kate had done, what she had made of jude, and keep going as if life was normal?

how could allison know and still look at her the same? how could she love her?

and at the same time⎯how could she deny allison the right to vent her anger? jude had had months to work through the misery that she felt, but allison was only learning about it now. wasn't it her right to deal with that the way that she needed to? to make jude regret the pain that she was so clearly causing to the people that allison loved?

jude was a lot of things, but she wasn't a coward. at least, she tried not to be.

she nodded minutely, her eyes on the bear, before she took a breath. hugging it to her chest, she looked up and met allison's eyes. "yeah, of course," she said. out of the corner of her eye, she saw derek nod, though he said nothing himself.

allison closed her eyes and held derek, continuing to rub his back as he buried his face against her neck. she lifted her hand to cradle the back of his head, to card her fingers gently through his hair. her heart ached as she thought of how long he had carried this with him; how much he had suffered, silently, because of what kate had done to him. how many ways would kate prove herself to be a monster? how countless were her crimes? how could she have done something like this at all, let alone to a child?

allison pulled derek a bit closer as a memory rocked her to her core: kate had, during allison's sophomore year, when she had just moved to beacon hills, told her she was going to tell her the truth about their family. she had led her to a warehouse in the middle of the woods, and she'd had derek chained there. what would have happened if allison had not struck kate with the cattle prod she'd produced, had not frantically found the keys and freed him? what had she done to him before allison had arrived? and how terrified must derek have been to be at her mercy again, after all she had done to him?

she wanted to scream.

she wanted to cry.

she wanted to rip kate to pieces.

"i'm so sorry," she whispered again, so softly she knew that, if not for werewolf hearing, he likely wouldn't have heard her at all. "it wasn't your fault. i am so sorry, derek."

she continued to hold him until he eased back, waited until he met her eyes. she moved her hands to cradle his face, looking at him and holding him as though she was holding something precious, something perfect. she was. she could not imagine another being, anything else in this world, being as precious to her as he was. she could not imagine loving anyone more.

her eyes closed again as he kissed her cheek, and she brushed her hand gently through his hair once more. following his gaze to jude, her heart sank and twisted painfully; everything she was feeling, jude was likely feeling tenfold. all of the guilt she felt because of her relationship to kate, her resemblance to her, jude was left to reckon with as well, and in an entirely different way.

drawing in a shaky breath, allison asked them both quietly, "would it be okay with you both if i said something?"

[wolfbaenes]

gummy candy is the best! and, oh! do you like the sour skittles? they are so yummy to me! i can't eat too many of them without my tongue going numb, but i love them so much.

oh my god, yes! you totally cannot go wrong with gummy bears! i love gummy candy! my favorites are probably skittles or sour patch kids! especially the peach or watermelon sour patch! they are so good!

[wolfbaenes]

nope, not at all. and ginger is said to protect you from the fae; they're allergic to it, so using it keeps them from interfering with your senses and leading you astray. in reality, though, most fae wouldn't try to interfere anyway, because they don't care unless you have bad intentions that might affect them personally. but pixies have a lot fun playing tricks on nosy trackers and novice kitchen witches. and pixies aren't allergic to ginger, but they are repulsed by the scent, so they stay far away.

i'm on it. [boyd lifts the pestle and places some giger in the mortar before beginning to carefully crush it.] whoa, that's really cool. so it doesn't impact them at all? what does the ginger do?

[wolfbaenes]

it is my lucky day! hm.. let's get some ice cream from the shop and bring extra candy! and i have to say, i'm a huge fan of gummy bears. i feel like you kinda can't go wrong with them, you know? what about you?

then i am just the girl to help you! do you want to go to the ice cream shop in town? they have tons of flavors and toppings, and i can bring extra candy for us to decorate! what's your favorite candy? or candies! i mean, i feel like we need all of the sugar possible here!

[wolfbaenes]

[dominic smiles at boyd.] you can ask anything you want; this is the one thing that i know a lot about, so i'm happy to answer anything. and if you want, you can help crushing that ginger over there; use the red mortar and pestle. the vervain is just a grounding element. potions like this require something that ties you to the element you're pulling on⎯in this case, earth. it's safe for vampires, too; the finished product will nullify the effects of the vervain. like baking the alcohol out of a cake.

this is really amazing, dom. is there anything i can do to help? and...the vervain, what does that do? ...i'm sorry. i'm asking a lot of questions. to be honest, i know a lot about being a werewolf now, but witchcraft is still pretty unknown to me, and i find it really interesting.

[wolfbaenes]

allison was right. derek knew that she was. he'd been telling himself for years that he hadn't done anything wrong; he hadn't done anything to warrant what kate had done to him or to his family.

derek had been a child. he had been abused and he had been caught in something that should have never happened to him.

still, it was different to hear someone else say it. for all that he had told himself that he was guiltless over the years, it finally meant something now. because every time he'd said as much, there had been kate's voice in the back of his head, telling him the exact opposite. if he'd done nothing wrong, then why had he stayed silent for so long? why did he carry it around with him like a sin? if he'd committed no crime, why did he act like he had?

allison's words were a sharp contrast to everything that kate had made him believe. for the first time, he felt like maybe it could be true.

derek buried his face into her neck and breathed her in. instead of the murky water, all he saw and felt was her. her soft hair, her gentle heartbeat, the scent of coffee and cloves on her skin. kate didn't exist in this space; it was just allison; it was just love.

once derek felt he could breathe a bit better, he pulled back from the hug and looked her in the eye. it wasn't easy; he still felt like he didn't deserve her. he didn't know how to deserve her, how to be any less than the tragedy that kate had made of him. but at least with allison, he felt safe enough to try. "thank you," he said, leaning forward to press his lips against her cheek.

when he pulled back from her, he looked again at jude, who was still staring down at violet's teddy bear. he didn't know what to say to her; how could he comfort her over a revelation that he was still reeling from, himself?

"...i should've spoken to you about it," he told jude. "i realize that i was wrong, giving that information to you and then hiding from it. i'm sorry, jude. do... you want to talk about it?"

jude sniffled. she kept her eyes on the plush for another long moment before she looked up at the two of them. "how can you even look at me? i'm... the product of something so awful. i feel awful, professor, i feel sick every time i even think about..." her jaw wobbled as a fresh wave of tears stung her eyes and she looked down again. "i don't know how to live with it. i don't feel like i'm any better than she is."

it would have made sense, in that moment, for allison's blood to run cold. instead she felt unbearably warm, as though some awful venom had been injected directly into her veins and it was burning her alive from the inside out. maybe it had been, from the moment of her birth; maybe the argent blood that flowed in her veins was the venom, the poison. it had felt like it before, over the years: when kate had captured derek, when allison had learned the truth about kate setting the hale fire; when gerard had tortured jackson and manipulated her mother to suicide; when her family had thought it reasonable to hunt down teenagers as if they were monsters and not children. the name her family had worn like a badge of honor had felt, over the years, more like a curse; like a constant reminder of all of the pain they had wrought on innocent people, on the people allison loved most.

never had her own blood felt more like poison than in this moment.

all her life, she'd been told how much she looked like kate; how much she was like kate. it had felt like a compliment in her childhood. now the memories of those words echoed like screams, slammed against her skull and shook her very bones.

how could derek even bear to look at her? how could she be so cruel as to force herself into his presence?

how could she live with herself, after everything her family had done?

how could she live with herself knowing the echoes of their evils traced back even further, cut even deeper, than she had ever known?

the burning sensation pressed to the backs of her eyes and her jaw trembled as something awful clawed her apart from the inside. she clamped her teeth together, hard, viciously biting back the sob that threatened to burst forth from her lips. the guilt she felt was unbearable, but the pain she felt for derek and jude was far worse.

there had never been, would never be, a man so kind, so intelligent, so brave, so impossibly strong and incredibly loving as derek hale. he had suffered so much, for so long, and it occurred to allison that this was a secret he had likely never spoken before. how long had he carried this pain with him? how could anyone, even someone as cruel and evil as kate, have done something like this to him? to anyone?

tentatively, slowly, she took a step towards him.

he couldn't quite meet her eyes. she couldn't blame him. she couldn't believe he ever could, if she really did look like kate.

she hated herself.

she loved him so much she thought it would tear her heart in two.

how long had he carried this burden around with him? what had it done to him? her vision blurred as her heart broke for the man she loved, and she stepped closer and gently reached her hand out. it found his shoulder first, and she moved gently, slowly, giving him every opportunity to pull away, to push her away, if he wanted to. slowly, slowly, she wrapped her arms around him, rubbing his back gently, closing her eyes.

"you didn't do anything wrong. you couldn't have known any better. you were a kid. you were innocent. you still are. you didn't do anything wrong." every word was laced with love and ferocity. she would have torn kate apart if she could have. she would have torn the world apart if it meant derek had never had to go through this. "i'm sorry," she whispered. "i am so, so sorry." what she would have given to have the ability to ease his pain in that moment. what she would have given to have stopped him from ever feeling it at all.

[wolfbaenes]

[dominic thinks about it as he crushes more vervain.] i've never tried it. i mean, i've tracked like this before, but never long distance. never... them. but i could try, yeah. i could probably find them, i think.

whoa...that's incredible. are you serious? dom...that could be super useful. do you think...is that something you could use to track the location of the salem coven? to see where they are, if they're coming here?

[wolfbaenes]

candy on ice cream? um, not to be dramatic, but that might actually save my life right now, yes.

well, i can help with that! do you want some candy? or ice cream? or candy on ice cream?

[wolfbaenes]

you want to hear a fun fact? some witches, particularly those with an affinity for earth, have this latent ability to find people, things, whatever. if it is on the ground, or connected to the ground in any way, then earth witches can find it. attie can do it, but she doesn't realize that; she said before, right, that she and her sister can communicate through the earth. that's an offshoot of this location ability. it is also how my friend piper found us, though she probably doesn't realize that, either. and you can't really stop this, because you can't not be on the ground, and it's not like shielding your brain is going to help. but what you can do is drink a funky little brew that enhances your own connection to the earth and makes you acutely aware of others' positions and makes you sensitive to the usage of earth magic. [dominic smiles and gestures to his table of ingredients.] most earth witches have no idea they have that ability, and most witches never bother to learn brewery, so they go about tracking the hard way. it's not super useful to us right now, but... it's something to do.

yeah. i was actually just coming to check on you. what are you working on?

[wolfbaenes]

yeah, i thought i did... i think i'm just tired.

...is...is everything okay? did you...see something, just now?

[wolfbaenes]

jude didn't say anything. it wasn't that she didn't want to answer allison; it wasn't that she didn't want to talk. it was that none of this felt deserved. what could she even say to allison? how could she explain any of this, how she was so deeply connected to derek's pain?

instead, she shrugged, staring down at the teddy bear.

derek held back a sigh, shoulders sinking as he watched jude. she was an adult, clearly so. she'd experienced so much of life already and had grown up into a woman, commendable woman. but sitting here now, she looked more like a child than he had ever known her to be. she reminded him quite a bit of cora when she was younger, too stubborn to admit that something was wrong, even with tears staining her cheeks and the thick scent of misery clinging to her clothes.

he'd known that it would be hard on her, because jude was lovely and she wasn't made to comprehend the kinds of things that came with kate argent. but he also didn't know how to lie to her about it. he didn't know how to be around her as often as he was bound to be without the knowledge eating him up inside. he'd never intended for it to eat at her, too.

"can i talk, jude?" he asked. she didn't look at him, only shrugging once more, staring down at the toy. derek didn't know what to take from that; he didn't know if she would be okay with this topic or not, but he didn't think it was doing them any good to not talk about it. they had to talk about it eventually. so he took a breath, figuring out where to put his words exactly, then began to speak.

"i met kate when i was young," he started. "younger than all of you, younger than... long before the fire. the argents had come to beacon hills for a summit with my mother and grandmother. it happened a few times. when this pack was... orthodox, summits happened regularly. it was how the hales kept peace with other communities, hunters most of all. the first time kate came... i was young."

he didn't let the memory swallow him up, though it was a hard-fought battle. from the day he'd realized everything, thanksgiving, the memories of what'd happened with kate had threatened to suffocate him. he was tired of being dropped into it; he was tired of fighting the waves and drowning in them anyway.

instead, he let them take him gently. he sank into them, relaxing his body, and waited for the moment to ease himself back to the surface.

"she was beautiful," he continued. "kind to me. older than me, but she'd never treated me like a kid. whenever i felt miserable, like an adult stuck at the kid's table, she'd be there with me. back then, kate was... she was really lovely."

jude continued to stare at the bear.

"i didn't..." derek trailed off, running his tongue over his lips. under the water, it was dark, impossible to see. he'd never much liked the ocean; he preferred shallow pools. "i didn't know any better. i was a kid. and she was lovely."

it'd taken him a long time to call it what it was. he'd never said so out loud. who could he have said it to? laura? allison? how could he have put that weight on their shoulders? how could he make them feel any worse for what they could not change?

what had he been thinking, telling jude?

derek blinked, realizing belatedly that his eyes had grown wet. he looked at allison, almost. he couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye, so he looked instead at her shoulder. "jude isn't just kate's daughter; jude is my daughter."

when allison excused herself from the table too, laura smiled gently at her before turning the same expression to the others at the table. she knew the instinct of the pack was to all rush to help anyone who was in distress; it went far beyond the natural instinct of wolves, though that, of course, played a part as well. as instinctive as it was for members of a pack to want to help any members who were upset or hurt, the deep love this particular pack, her pack, had for one another, meant that their instinct to rush to one another's aid was doubled, if not moreso.

"let's let them talk," she urged the gathered group. the walls of the house were recently soundproofed thanks to magic, which meant privacy was a possibility all around the household. "i'm sure they'll come get us if they need anything, or when they're ready to talk to more people. and we always have moon circles, right? for now, ana, what were you saying about the new album?"

ana perked up instantly. "okay, so it's called ate..."

leaning against the doorframe upstairs, allison regarded both derek and jude with concern. "hey," she said softly. she stepped inside the room, closing the door behind her to ensure privacy. she knew none of her packmates would ever eavesdrop on purpose— well, for the most part— but supernatural hearing meant it often happened without that being what was intended. the magical soundproofing the witches had set up allowed for privacy throughout the entire home, and she had a feeling that whatever had upset jude was not something she wanted anyone else to be aware of.

she smiled at derek, her heart aching the way it so often did when they were together; overwhelmed with how much she loved him. love, as a concept growing up, had been something that came with stipulations: perfect grades, a perfect shot, a perfect score were the conditions that had made her worthy of love and affection. beacon hills had been the first place she had peeled back the layers, ever so tentatively; the first place she'd lit up when lydia shared her interest in fashion, when scott had asked to see her artwork or photography. it was the first time anyone had ever acted like her interests were of any value at all; that she was of any value, even if she wasn't a weapon. but derek...derek had been the first person, she thought, to really, truly see her at first glance. the night of lydia's party, the night of scott's first full moon— though of course, she hadn't known the significance of that at the time— derek had driven her home. at first, in the car, they'd been quiet; then allison had tucked the slim copy of emily dickinson poems she'd brought with her back into her bag, derek had commented on it, and suddenly the car ride had been filled with a discussion of books and poetry, with allison enthusiastically sharing her favorites and listening to his. later on, when she'd known what it meant that he'd driven her home that night, she'd thought about it; how he would have every right to hate her, to not care what happened to her, based upon her last name, but instead, he'd helped her, helped scott. his goodness filled her heart up with a love she hadn't known was even possible.

she knew from his words now that something was going on, but she didn't want to pry; it was clear whatever it was had upset jude deeply, had left her panicked and reeling. "i'm sorry to interrupt, i just wanted to make sure you guys were okay," she said. she was worried about jude the moment she'd sat down; something had seemed to be eating away at her, filling her up with anxiety. when she'd leapt up, allison had been steps behind derek in going to check on her.

"you don't have to tell me what's going on," allison promised. "but you can if you want to. is it okay if i stay? do you want to talk to me, too?" it was a genuine question; allison, of all people, could certainly understand why someone would be most comfortable talking to derek alone; still, if jude wanted her there, too, she wanted to be there for her. "i just wanted to check on you. is everything okay?"

[wolfbaenes]

hey. yeah, of course. [dominic drops vervain into the mortar and grabs the pestle to crush it up.] everything okay?

is it okay if i come in?

[wolfbaenes]

[she doesn't mean to look away⎯she gets the feeling that the girl will disappear if she does. but bailey's voice catches her off guard, and heather doesn't think before turning to look at her. and when she looks back, of course the girl is gone. heather stares at the spot for a long moment, as if the girl will come back. she doesn't, of course. heather looks back at bailey.] did you...? [no, that's silly. of course bailey didn't see. heather shakes her head.] sorry. what were you saying?

hey. how are you doing?

[wolfbaenes]

the entire torrid affair | allison, derek, & jude

for all that he hated to admit it, derek saw the panic attack coming.

it was one of those things that had been a long time coming⎯probably from the moment he'd let jude in on the truth, but certainly from the moment she sat down to join them all for dinner. it had been there from the moment she'd walked in, something burdening the edge of her smile, delaying her laughter and reactions by a half-second that got longer and longer with every passing hour. he doubted he was the only one who noticed; it poured off of her. but she waved off all questions of her wellbeing and continued playing the role of the perfectly okay guest.

of all things, it was cora checking in on her that seemed to do her in.

jude's smile grew rigid, then she excused herself to the bathroom. derek waited, letting five minutes turn into ten, then fifteen, before he went to check on her.

he wasn't surprised to find her, not in the bathroom, but in violet's room, holding one of violet's stuffed bears to her face and taking hurried, shallow breaths. usually, derek wouldn't dream of coming in here without violet's express permission, but violet was downstairs with everyone else, and he wasn't sure this was a conversation she would know how to navigate anyway.

he hovered in the doorway for a long moment before he stepped inside, nudging the door behind him, and sat down on the floor in front of jude. she didn't so much as look at him, keeping her back to the wall and her knees pressed to her chest, doing her best not to hyperventilate with nothing anchoring her but the toy. "i can't do it," she keened, her breath coming in faster and her body shaking. "i can't⎯professor, i c⎯i can't⎯"

"it's alright," he said calmly. "you don't have to. but i need you to breathe, jude. you're going to pass out. slowly⎯⎯in... out."

jude tried. she made the visible, palpable effort to slow her breaths down, draw them in deeper. derek sat, waiting, and offered encouragements as she found some semblance of calm. then the calm broke again with a sob. "i don't know how to live with it," she confessed, furious tears running down her face. "i can't stop thinking about it, i can't⎯i can't take it, professor. i'm so sorry."

"i know," he said. "i wish i could take the knowledge away from you, jude, but i can't. i'm sorry."

"why are you sorry? you didn't⎯" she stopped, the words freezing on her tongue as they both caught sight of allison at the door. her face widened with a different sort of panic as her eyes shot over to derek.

he nodded to allison to let her know it was okay to come in, then looked back at jude. "it's alright," he promised. "i don't have anything to hide from her."

[wolfbaenes]

[alicia clears her throat and shakes her head.] it's alright. if that battle hadn't happened, i would never be as strong as i am now. i wouldn't be a lot of things, so i'm.. i'm happy. and i'm here with you, so that's all i care about.

...i'm sorry, lee. i shouldn't have...i'm sorry for asking. and i'm really sorry for what happened with her. but...you're right. you're right! and...i may not be as tough as you, but i'd never let anything happen to you, either. thanks, lee.