wolfstarlights

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A vid about Hawkeye’s anger and depression set to Favorite Color Is Blue by Robert DeLong Warnings: Canon-typical depiction of blood, surgery, covered bodies. Bomb explosions. More notes, viewing options, & subtitles on AO3 here.

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My Siblings In The Buddies Fandom.

I'm gonna need you to stop hacky-sacking the word 'codependent' around whenever y'all wanna talk about how cute and domestic and perfect Buck and Eddie are for one another.

I've explained this before, but it seems for the sake of my sanity I must do it again.

To boil it down to its basics, a codependent relationship is when person A needs person B and person B needs to be needed.

And it's not as cute as it sounds.

Let's start with the Buddie of it all. An argument could be made that Eddie needs Buck (through Chris, his PTSD, and other physical factors and instances) and that Buck (being the neglected child that he is) needs to be needed. BUT there's an equally valid argument to be made that Buck needs Eddie (to pull him from depressive/self sabotaging decisions and spirals) and that Eddie (parentified oldest sibling that he is) needs to be needed.

We could go back and forth all day about who's need is greater, who has a bigger praise kink, and cite all kinds of textual evidence to support either side.

All that says to me though is that they both need each other and they both feel a desperate need to be needed. Which ultimately means that they depend on each other.

The crucial balance of that already negates the idea that they are codependent, but to take it a step further, they possess support networks! They rely on Bobby and Hen and Maddie and Chim and Ravi and Athena and Abuela and Tia Pepa! For advice, for childcare, for manual labor and social activities! Hell, on more than one occasion when Buck/Eddie felt isolated Maddie dropped Jee-Yun off to be babysat, or Tia Pepa called for help with the tap to satisfy each man's individual need to be useful.

They allow other people to help them. This also solidly negates a codependent diagnosis.

Also important note here: codependence is a psychiatric diagnosis. It's outlined in the DSM-5 and everything.

On That Note.

As someone who has been person B in more than one codependent relationship, it's a fucking problem.

It's not cute, it's not romantic, it's not domestic.

Every time you read about someone breaking free of the clutches of their obsessive/draining/controlling parent or partner or whoever manipulated them into believing that if they walked away from said parent/partner/etc that person would wither and die, think about the word codependent.

The mom who keeps reminding you how much she can't live without you, how out of control her spending habits are, how she hasn't touched a drop of liquor since you've been back home, but she knows where to get it when you leave, how grocery shopping is just too overwhelming and she'll get a migraine if she tries to leave the house, you have to do it; you live here; you know what brand of pasta I like; you know how to haggle better than I do– think of the words codependent.

The partner who would never dare tell you that they'd jump off a bridge if you left, but keeps asking you therapy questions because you read that article the other day, and they've been feeling really down recently, and you give the best advice; you always make them feel better, even though they're not getting better; they're getting worse. A month ago they needed you to help them pick out an outfit for a job interview. Now they need you to remind them to shower, even help them out of bed because it's not your fault, you did your best, but they didn't immediately hear back after the interview and they spiraled. When the interview did call back they were napping again because they haven't been sleeping well and you knew even if you woke them they wouldn't be coherent enough to take the call. You had to take it and they didn't get the job and now the only thing they can wake up in the midday for is you when you hoist them from bed and frog march them down the hall to get them clean. Think of the word codependent.

The caretaker in the above scenarios is affected as well. If the emotional weight of knowing this person could very well give up on breathing one day because you couldn't care for them hard enough doesn't rip apart the mind at the seams, the physical strain of that much isolated attention will. You, the need-to-be-needed, will prioritize person A's care above your own. You won't mean to, but it'll happen. You'll find yourself justifying. I don't need to pick up my non-life-threatening medicines/medications, I need to save up the money for the unholy price of antidepressants or the fancy juice/food/fabric that's the only thing they'll eat/feel comfortable wearing. I can miss one more business meeting; it's another doctor's appointment; those take precedent, my employer will understand. Hanging out with friends isn't all that important really. We've had plans for a couple months, but they're really struggling today, and a movie on the couch is more my speed than an escape room anyway. Think also here of the word codependent.

People who suffer from these relationships have also often not found themselves in these positions maliciously. An adult or adolescent child may be taking care of an ailing parent with physical and/or mental limitations without wanting to ask for help. Pride, guilt, and a lack of understanding regarding available resources tangle a lot of these relationships which start as an honest cry for help and an earnest self-efficacy.

That doesn't make the situations less dangerous.

A codependent relationship is one where the pair are cut-off from the rest of the world. It's isolating and detrimental for everyone involved. The person who needs care/help suffers from not receiving enough from one person and/or receiving improper care from someone un(der)qualified, and the person who needs to feel useful feels guilty for failing at best and can become physically unwell from stretching themselves so thin.

Humans are a social species, and while yes we tend to rely on certain people without our support networks for certain things more than others, we cannot survive in isolated sets of two any more easily than we can survive completely on our own.

Codependency is not "an attachment style" it's a sickness. It's not "bonded pairs" or "soulmates" it's a dangerous parasocial relationship that is harmful to all involved.

Back to the Buddie of it all. If you're looking for terms with which to describe the deep and special bond Buck and Eddie share, try just plain old 'dependent' or for variation, maybe 'reliant'. They do flock to one another far more frequently than they do the rest of their support networks(s), but they don't isolate together. Even during Covid they shared space with Hen and Chim. And as opposed to draining one another of resources and energy, they are each bolstered by the other's support.

I can't speak for everyone else in the fandom, but for me at least, one of the big draws to them as a couple is how healthy their relationship is. Do they fight and hurt eachother? Absolutely, but to err is human and if you expect to move through life without ever hurting your loved ones I have bad news for you. Are they a little bit insane for eachother? 100% who sublets a house to allow for their best friend to leave, then spend they time he's away scrambling like he's just been broken up with? Who nearly dies at work and changes his will to leave custody of his only child to a coworker he's barely known for a year? But they're fictional characters, and none of their behavior permanently negatively affects themselves or the other relationships they have in their lives. NOT CODEPENDENT.

On the note of fictional characters: none of this post is meant to discourage people from writing about actual scenarios of codependent relationships. None of this post is meant to discourage people from writing about Buck and Eddie in an actual codependent relationship. People process their trauma differently, and even if it's not your trauma, writing about difficult topics like mental illness and dangerous relationships can help us to understand the various, numerous plights of our fellow human beings. What this post is meant to convey is that it is (once again) harmful to misuse medical terminology to describe mundane and often antithetical concepts.

I don't care if you make Buck and Eddie actually codependent. I probably won't read it because it hits very close to home for me, but you do you.

Just stop calling them codependent because you wanna say that they're in love without saying 'they're in love'.

TL;DR

Codependence is a serious, dangerous mental affliction shared by two people. If you're going to use the words, do your research and commit. Stop using it to say your OTP is just super oblivious about how in love they are (I'm looking at you Buddie Fandom).

Sincerely,

Someone who has been in more than one codependent relationship.

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if you were a mouse and you wanted to change the subject you could say “squeaking of which….”

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im honestly surprised (not really surprised considering what website this is) that i haven't seen anyone on here talk about Lil Nas X getting violently arrested after suffering some kind of mental health episode. I wish he was getting more attention and support.

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When Buck is staying at Eddie’s while half-heartedly looking for a place, Christopher really wants a dog. He keeps seeing dogs on TikTok and TWO separate friends of his just got puppies. So he really wants a dog

He makes up a whole PowerPoint about it and then sits Buck and Eddie down on the couch to present it on the TV. Buck is hooked on the title slide. Eddie does NOT want a dog. (“Who’s gonna take care of it?? Who’s gonna pay for it when it eats something it’s not supposed to and needs to go to the emergency vet???? Not me.”)

Chris gets through his whole presentation (dogs are good, they make people more responsible, I’ll take care of it I promise, look at these shelters I found, look how cute these dogs are, blah blah blah) and Buck already knows his answer. Eddie knows his too, unfortunately. Eddie says “no dog.” and Buck is like “we’ll think on it and give you an answer by the end of the week”

That night, when Christopher’s asleep, Eddie and Buck are talking about the dog. Eddie is all “they’re messy and they smell bad” and buck’s all “Eddie plz 🥺🥺 Eddie plz plz plz can we get a dog 🥺🥺🥺 I miss blaze and I’ve never had a dog before plz plz plz Eddie can we have a dog 🥺🥺🥺🥺” but Eddie is staying firm on his decision. Buck is like “Eddie I’ll pay for everything, Eddie I’ll take it on walks every day, Eddie Carla knows some really good pet daycares and pet sitters, Eddie a dog would be so good for Christopher, Eddie we can take it to the station and Bobby will love it plz Eddie :(((“

So finally bucks like “Eddie I live here too I should at least get some say” and Eddie snaps a little bit and is like “Buck what’s gonna happen when you’re gone?? You’re looking for a place right now and what happens when you find it??? You leave and I’m stuck with the dog all alone and I— (his voice breaks a little bit here) I am not going to be taking it on walks every day” and Buck goes all quiet for a minute. None of them say anything and they’re just staring at each other in that intense way they do when they’re feeling too many emotions.

So finally Buck speaks up and is like “I could…. just— not leave?” but it’s very quiet and shy and uncertain. And then Eddie stops because he hadn’t really considered the option before. He hadn’t let himself consider the option before. His best friend was looking for a place because they were just best friends and best friends don’t typically live with each other so why should they be any different? But they are different, aren’t they? And he’s still looking at Buck in that way of his where he’s all brooding and emotional because Boys Don’t Cry, and Buck quickly goes “or not, obviously, I don’t know what I was thinking, no dog of course, you don’t want one and this isn’t my house or anything and Christopher isn’t my—” and Eddie cuts him off by kissing him. Because they aren’t best friends, that ship had sailed a LONGGGGG time ago but Eddie just hadn’t figured it out yet. Hadn’t figured out why there was such a pit in his stomach whenever Buck mentioned a place he was looking at (which he realized hadn’t happened in a good three weeks or so), hadn’t realized why everyone he’s dated since knowing Buck had felt so wrong and flat. But now he has. Finally.

And Buck is surprised at first but then obviously melts into it because Maddie was right, it wasn’t so crazy, and he’d been in love with Eddie probably since the two of them were digging out an active round from a guys leg together.

After they pull away from each other, Eddie looks up at Buck and smiles and is like “stay. Please. I’ll get you a dog. I’ll get you anything you want, just stop looking for stupid apartments and stay with me” and Buck is all surprised and breathless still and he’s like “okay” and Eddie kisses him again

The next day the three of them go to the shelter and pick out a cute little 2 year old mix that looks mostly like a border collie named peaches

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while I don’t agree with that referring to men in their 30s-early 40s as “old man yaoi”, I UNDERSTAND why many people who primarily consume honest-to-goodness BL manga are quicker to call it that, because there is just such poor representation for men that aren’t hairless dehydrated 20-something twunks. They’re wrong, but I get why it happens.

I also understand that “middle-aged yaoi” isn’t as fun to say as “old man yaoi”, even when it’s more technically accurate.

So I would like to propose new vocabulary: Grown Ass Yaoi. yaoi that’s grown ass men. they’re not old but they’re not young adults either. you get me? Grown Ass Yaoi

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On the subject about parents needing to control their child's reading and invade their privacy in order to "protect" them from "inappropriate material:

Until I was in....college? At least? The vast, vast majority of the books I read were either a) assigned by my school or b) (the vast majority of my reading) provided to me by my mother.

My mom is a librarian. She filled our rooms with books, picked especially for us. She pointed out books on the shelves in our home library (separate from our bedroom shelves) that she thought we would like. She bought us books for birthdays, Christmas, and just stacks of recommendations. She once paid me $10 to read one of the Cirque Du Freak books because she said I needed "to be exposed to bad literature."

She respected my privacy in room, didn't go through my belongings. She explicitly pointed out to us that she wouldn't know if we took a particular book of the shelf, as long as we returned it, if we didn't want her to know we were reading it. She purposely brought us books that she didn't care for herself, because she thought we might find them valuable or enjoyable.

And if we wanted to read something she thought might upset or disturb us, she would explain why. She wouldn't stop us from reading it - just ask us to check in with her, to talk through it.

And so when I read something that upset or disturbed me, I would go to her. She would listen and talk through it with me.

If she said she didn't think I would like something, or that a book might disturb me, or that she thought I should wait until I was older, I listened to her.

She didn't need restrictions or control to protect me. Because she proved I could trust her.

Controlling kids is never about "protecting" them. It's just about control.

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Fuck yeah it has

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When you thought it would be easy peasy lemon squeezy but it turns out to be difficult difficult lemon difficult.

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9-1-1 Outfit Appreciation: Buck's maroon/brown trousers, black shirt & plaid jacket 9-1-1, S07E01

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Girlhood is a Spectrum

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The EU (still) wants to scan your private messages and photos

🚨 You WILL Be Impacted 🚨

Every photo, every message, every file you send will be automatically scanned—without your consent or suspicion.

If you live in the EU*, contact your MEPs NOW and tell them to vote NO! Go here to learn more & FIGHT BACK!

https://fightchatcontrol.eu/

*especially if you live in Germany - they have not yet decided, and their opposition is crucial!

Please reblog! If the EU passes this, it weakens online privacy worldwide.

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Buddie soulmate au where your mark is the last words your soulmate says to you before you die.

Buck's is "Alright cowboy go get 'em".

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I’m so glad I decided to reread histories by Herodotus. I love this guy. He so clearly wrote without any planning whatsoever.

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some of you guys need to get more aro about how you perceive romantic relationships. theyre literally just another type of friendship

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historical linguistics is so cool/sad. there's just so much we can never know.