wordsforenemies-blog

[wordsforenemies-blog]

Sometimes People Take Things From You

This is maybe more true when someone is younger than when they’re older. I’m in my early 30s which I am aware is still really quite young. I am also aware that as you age you change dramatically (whether it’s over a short amount, or long amount of time, both are equally a thing that happens to everyone) no matter what. There is absolutely no way anyone has ever been able to age and not change. One thing is clear in my podcasting, I try to NEVER generalize. There are always exceptions, and unfortunately they need to be at least slightly acknowledged. But, not this time. There is no exception. Change is inevitable.

I would likely say change is good. When I was in my early 20s I grew out my hair very long. VERY LONG. My hair was just past my shoulders. So yes, it could have been longer, but all things considered it still warrants my own repetition. At least to me. I thought at that point it looked very good, and I was also SURE that later in time when I would look back I would feel the same. I obviously do not feel that way at all anymore. 

I recently saw a big internet movement on social media where people would juxtapose a picture of themselves now, and a picture of themselves ten years ago. It’s supposed to be very nostalgic. Give you a chance to laugh at yourself from ten years ago. I could certainly laugh at the hair. But, the way the two people in a decades time, which to be fair is really quite a long time anyways, are THAT different is actually unsettling. You would be expected to be a different person, quite dramatically, in that amount of time. Maybe, it’s something everyone struggles with, and I’m just not aware. 

I often say my first true love was the bass guitar. In some ways that’s true. But, really if I had to attribute my first true love to a non-human being then it would just be music. It was my obsession. Emo rock music to be exact. I think the first few girls that I dated, and had emotional connection to, bonded over music. 

I truly believe that my first real love took my love of music from me.

I’m not saying it was intentional. She didn’t mean to do it. But, our relationship was founded on long conversations about emo bands, and nights of listening to music, or attending shows. We saw A LOT of shows together. I would say in the span of the time our courtship started to close to 3 years + later we must have seen 20+ shows together.

I think because I was so emotionally invested in this person, and they were so wrapped up in the thing I loved most in the world when she left, she took it with her. Pretty normal reaction. But, my relationship with music never went back. It was never the same. By miles. I still love music, but maybe less like a girlfriend you’re obsessed with, and more like a family member who you love, but don’t have emotional conversations with. I think this blog may over time speak to the contrary as I post songs that are of the emo vein by way of modern indie rock, but I’ve never felt the same way about it inside. 

It won’t always happen. It didn’t happen to me this time. And, despite not being as young and unable to control my emotions as well (I don’t do well now, but I do it better), I am more broken to this time. I know, the presumption would be I only feel that way because its recent, but that’s not it. It’s because I planned a life and a future with this one. In detail. And, for a while before she suddenly left she had agreed to all of it.

It’s possible that she did take something from me, and I’m just not aware yet. In this case, it will be fascinating to see the realization later in time, but for now, besides a future that I was excited about with another person, I escaped from this last relationship with everything intact.

My first love stole music from me. My last real love stole nothing. I think a girl I went on a date with recently stole a guitar pedal from me though. All in line with me having made really terrible decisions in the last 9-10 months or so though. But again, we’ll get to that.

I’m being over dramatic. It’s the whole point of this blog. But, I do apologize.

[wordsforenemies-blog]

I promise you I won’t solely write about this stuff

My first real relationship that was worth acknowledging, really worth anything at all in my opinion was in college. We dated from the time I was a junior, straight through my first year out of college. I had never felt in love with someone so much in my entire life, and I was devastated when it ended. All very normal things. I wouldn’t go on to date seriously for another 5 years. There was romantic interactions along the way, but nothing that would last any sort of time for 5. Fucking. Years. 

During that time I was fairly content. I had the odd spurts of desire for long term romantic companionship, but that would always disappear fairly quickly. 

Then, in the early fall of 2017 I came up with a great idea for my podcast (The District Wasteland). My co-host and I, with two female friends on as guest were to get on dating apps, and communicate for the other person. See if we could get dates for them. See if we could create chemistry. Just plain have fun interacting and controlling the other people’s online dating identity. The idea was to create some connections, or break the ice with some matches, go on dates, and then come back and report later.

My first date was with a boutique owner. No joke. She owned a hipster boutique in a very swanky and hip part of town too. She was very pretty. Her profile highlighted that she was somewhat nerdy as well. It’s hard to say if I really click well with a nerdy girl, or I just think I do. Or could. Or should. Or would. It’s hard to decide which of those. It could apply to all. It probably does. It didn’t go well. I had a hard time socializing with her. That doesn’t happen to me very often. I know that sounds douchey to say, but it’s true. I’m not good at a lot of things. Most things. But I’m good with words. And, I’m good at socializing with people. Seriously. Ask my friends. I know everyone would say that, but at least listen to my podcast. It’s a pretty good indicator.

Anyways, there was no second date.And, that’s not for a lack of trying. I was rejected. Having not put myself out there in a while, and considering that the girl was really quite attractive, I was rather hurt, albeit ignoring the fact that we were in every way, shape, and form a complete mismatch. It’s weird. I should have been able to take away from it something else. Something better. But, really my feelings were just hurt. 

I picked myself up quickly. In about a weeks time. Look, I’m emotionally soft, I don’t have any trouble admitting it, but I’m not THAT soft. It was one date. I didn’t even know her. Yes, my feelings were hurt, but I was not devastated. I was also still on dating apps. 

On my very next date after getting on app dating. On my second date ever back on app dating. I would go on to date that girl for a year and a half plus. Ask her to move in with me. And the rest is history. Quite literally.

[wordsforenemies-blog]

My Thoughts On You

“It’s okay, but it’s maybe too ‘poppy’ for me”

That’s what I would say if some one asked me about this song. Or this band even, if they asked me. It’s a lie. I really like this band. And, I LOVE this song. I much like others in this world can be pretty fraudulent (my kind way of saying liar) about who we are because of the image we want for ourselves. A long with allowing for this entire blog to exist, I’ve come closer to an existence where I don’t mind openly admitting when I’m a shit just like literally everyone else.

Music has always been very big to me. It was my way of feeling emotionally connected with the outside world. My way of feeling like I had expressed a level of emotional honesty without ever actually having to have said anything. Just by listening to some thing some one else made. 

I use to work in an office with a number of people. I mean a physical office space. One room, maybe five or six people and their desks in the same room. We had speakers, and we would take turns playing our personal music on it. Most people played top 40s radio hits, there was a girl who played mostly classical, there was a guy who played J-Pop. I think there was one other person who had maybe a small number of cross play with me, but that was it. He asked me once if he could give me a flash drive and I would give him my music. I asked him which bands or songs he liked the most. He said he wanted LITERALLY ALL MY MUSIC. I think this was one of the weirdest things that ever happened to me. I mean it wouldn’t have costed me anything, but I couldn’t do it. I was bothered by the question. Offended. It was like literally asking me to take a massive part of my identity. For me a person’s personal music collection is the story of THEIR life as told through the songs and words of some one else. I still believe that. Not in nearly as literal a sense, but yeah still kind of that too.

This song above came to this year in my regular exploration for more and new music. It came to me at a time when I thought I was mostly over her. I was initially bothered because I thought to myself “This would have been a great song to wallow in”, but I was wrong. I wasn’t over. Wasn’t even close to mostly. So it still stood to be something I was able to wallow in. I find myself realizing that the LOVE for this song was because of that, because it really just is okay. But, I also know I get to carry one of the most powerfully written lyrics I could ever hear at a time when I did need to hear it.

“...trying to teach my common sense to not waver with my confidence...”

Think of it what you will. But, it’s something I’ve been saying to myself a lot. I’m not sure if it will stick, but I do know they teach you “fake it til you make it” in Rehab and AA. It works for them. Maybe it could work for me. I feel like I was “faking it” for a very long time, and I do legitimately feel like I might finally be starting to “make it”. It might be more hope than truth.

But I’m okay with just faking that too.

[wordsforenemies-blog]

How the hell did we end up here?

I got left in 2019. That’s how.

2019 has been a year of one incredibly major down, and a few ups that are brushed under the rug of that down. My year began incredibly. I had a life plan established early on. In March my girlfriend of the better part of a year and a half moved in. This was the first time in my entire life that I have ever done this.I was excited after having lived completely alone (minus cats) for the 9 months or so prior to her moving in, I was excited. Very excited. I very much was in love, and loved this person. I was the one who initiated the idea of her moving in. I’m not trying to be melodramatic, or whiny despite how it comes out. I think I’m just trying to get across where I was. It’s weird. 

I’m the kind of person who has historically been completely unable to express my emotions to others well. You know the type. Generally overly affected by a poor relationship with their father. In my case, another thing that isn’t really even THAT bad (he was around, mostly non-violent, just emotionally nowhere to be found). I felt terrible for months. And on top of that, I felt terrible for feeling terrible. Ashamed. Weak. All the normal things. I mean we hadn’t dated nearly as long as I’ve seen people have a life shattering break-up from. We only lasted a month in the house together. It’s understandable to be sad. No one would hold anything against you. But, what I felt was that I should be better than this. Stronger than this. More able to recover at a (supernaturally) quick speed. Of course, none of that panned out. 

It’s been about 6 months now. I’ve made some INCREDIBLY poor decisions in that time (we’ll get to that). In the last couple of weeks I think we’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m of sound mind again. There’s no way of knowing that for sure yet, but it feels like the first time I’ve said I’m okay, and I don’t feel like it’s abundantly clear that I’m lying to myself. Hopefully it’s true. I feel like it might be the only way we got here. So maybe THAT’S actually how we really ended up here.

[wordsforenemies-blog]

Not an appropriate replacement for therapy

I’m Hieu.

I’m a comedy podcaster among other things. I am currently Executive Producer and Co-Host for The District Wasteland Podcast:

https://soundcloud.com/districtwasteland

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-district-wasteland/id1198861876

My podcast aside, this is a completely different beast. 2019 has been a difficult year, and instead of seeking therapy to deal appropriately with my issues I have decided to try blogging. Being about as emotionally honest, personally this is something I struggle strongly with, to the entire internet world who may have the slightest bit of interest about the ideas and feelings of someone who is incredibly emotionally unstable. Let’s see where this goes!