workingitout-blog1

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Good enough

I was with a guy for a while, I won’t say when or how long. But he was so bad for my self esteem. He would rather watch porn than have sex with me. I’m not by any means ugly.. no one really is. He made me feel unattractive though. I still can’t fully get over it to be honest. I mean, If you’re going to do that, at least keep it to yourself don’t do it right next to me or in the next room when I know that’s what is going on. Sometimes I think back to these things and I’m so angry. Why does another person get to make someone else feel bad about themselves like that. He was needy, yet called me needy. Flat out deny he said something when I heard him say it. He made me feel like I was actually crazy sometimes. He was controlling and yet I still felt like I loved him. I think the thing with people who control others, is that they are very insecure themselves. He made me feel like I had made a huge mistake leaving him and I still wonder if I did. But the way he made me feel bad, outweighed any of the good. Feeling bad on a day to day basis is not okay. I didn’t deserve to feel that way and I don’t now. The blatant disregard and disrespect he had for my feelings was ludicrous. I’d love to find someone who listens to me. Really tries. I will never find someone who puts in the same effort I do.  I wonder a lot whether or not I’m good enough for someone to love. Or if my expectations of another person are unrealistic. Either way, he made me hate myself more than I already do and he didn’t care at all. Because “[I was] just being dramatic and over reacting.” Being with him I though about suicide almost every day. But even when I told him that I was “just being dramatic and not thinking about [his] feelings.” Thanks asshole. Thanks a lot. 

[workingitout-blog1]

The Point

There’s a point where talking about it no longer makes you feel better. Are you there yet? 

[workingitout-blog1]

First Entry - 3:34am

Hey, welcome back to my imbalanced brain. 

It’s about 3am and I wanted to share some thoughts with you.. I wanted to thank you. Nothing in particular, but for being you. For being alive, for always doing your best, for always trying your hardest despite what people around you say. You’re so hard on yourself sometimes, you really are your own worst enemy. You don’t have to be though. You are good enough. 

I think I’m telling you this because I wish that someone had told me these things. Everyday I want to be open about how I feel, I want someone to listen to me and really care about me. It wont happen for me though because every time I let someone get close, I push them away again with my paranoia, insecurity and dominating aggression. Every day I feel like I am being punished for something except I don’t actually know what I’ve done. I haven’t taken my medication in maybe a month now and my moods are all over the place. I’m seeing a psychiatrist soon. I’ll have him put me on medication again and then maybe it will help. I want to be well again. 

I remember feeling good for 1 year. That 1 year I spent with someone who was my entire world. When I lost them, I felt like I had lost a part of myself. I don’t know that I could ever love another person like that. Have you ever looked at someone when they smile and it lights up your entire life? I felt that way every single time I looked at them. The most perfect, gorgeous face on the face of the Earth and they were all mine. I knew they were good, pure, beautiful. I never connected with another person like them. 

My point in telling you this, is that I believe regardless of who I love, where I am in the world or what I’m doing. No matter how much money or friends I have I think I am always going to feel this way. At this point I probably deserve it. 

I am having a hard time processing anything anymore.