workinsymmetry

[workinsymmetry]

Remember just posting song lyrics as your status?

Getting older has given me a freedom from fears that I carried with me as a child. Insecurities lost (some anyways), emotional regulation. But the place in my heart and stomach where all my angst used to live sits around like the room where your lover died. I can feel it in me in bursts of nostalgia; nostalgia that I feel guilty for indulging back into. I know, overall, I'm better off being the man I am now. I have grown myself in the right ways. Maybe that's just the calcification of those brain regions that bring on shame and that inward emotional volatility. But damn I do miss it, like all things that are really bad for you, being absolutely doubled over with the pain of the sadness in my stomach. After 20 years maybe the body just grows used to it and begins to forget.

I miss feeling interesting. I miss feeling a little bit of that darkness. But things are better now. Things are better now.

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Hi

Hello

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If I would have known I would forget what it felt like to kiss you. I think I would have taken a second longer. Think about. The last taste I had of your lips. What was the lighting in the room? What was the color of your hair that I ran across my hands? What was the rhythm of the music? Or were we just alone? If I would have known I would forget what it felt like to kiss you. I would have at least made sure you wouldn't forget me.  

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Shivers

The trendy blue and purple neon lights oscillate up on the towers. The red glowing aircraft warning lights bleed into the sky as clouds roll over and swallow it up. Floor to ceiling windows, I wonder what it looks like to watch the city dissolve into fog. I wonder if they wake up and think there’s been an accident. Out in the fog, you’ll never know what. Just the soundless oscillations of those blue and red lights. 

I shiver and the city shivers with me. Maybe it wants to let me know that I’m not all alone here. Even as I wander from home to home, it lets me know that I’ll never be alone: this loneliness will always be company.  The city is our god and the tears we cry in the bathroom in the dark are like the prayers and offerings that keep our god alive. I am afraid of alone. I can hide deeper and deeper, hoping to escape those feelings of feeling alone. But I still feel the shivers and my god still feels me. 

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Quarantine Diary #1

I’ve been sitting at home, looking out and waiting for sunshine to melt away all this snow.  Instead, a blizzard quietly blows about, like static on the dark grey blue clouds and amber light posts in the parking lot that give the mood of an actual nuclear apocalypse rather than a simple contagious flu virus.

We were having an early summer around this time last year but we’re back on regular seasonal expectations right now. The coveted work from home position isn’t quite for me. Mixed with slow influx of work, there is absolutely no motivation to do anything.  No matter how hard I try and convince myself that I will feel much happier and accomplished if I start my day at 6:30, 8:30 seems more agreeable to my body.  

Covid-19 has been the true excitement that I think the world has been needing. We all get to partake in a giant larp session, as we all feel closer to our own personal end of days scenario.  Food hoarders empty shelves of non perishables as they fear societal collapse. Ammunition is sold out everywhere as people fear looting and home invasions.  Conspiracy theorists comb news sources and find reasons to believe that there is a cover up for something bigger happening (I really want to address my thoughts on this later...). Even if none of the above is the reality, the situation provides an experiment that could not have been done in any other way.  The cost of shutting down the entire world is enormous, but now that we have a good reason to do so, we all get a chance to look at and observe how we react in such a time. We can see where the cracks are in the social infrastructure. Food supply, health care services, how many of us truly hold a non-essential place.

That’s all for now.

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The light could finally shine through, like a hole in his head opened up from one side to the other; warming the parts of his mind that had been deprived of sunlight for so long. In that hole sprouted a little leaf and little tendrils creeped out. Down past his ears and tangled up in his hair. The tendrils split off and thickened into roots that wrapped themselves around the legs of his chair. They blindly climbed the walls and felt out the carped until they found the door. They grew bigger and bigger and twisted around tables and faucets. They knocked over pictures and books. They dropped into drains and covered the floor until the previously bare and lifeless apartment looked like it it had been forgotten for centuries and reclaimed by nature. In his private jungle he dreamt he found a way to leave his body behind and regain himself in the quiet sway of  a sleeping tree.  

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Nootka Travel Journal

My ride showed up and I loaded my things. Except for my headlamp and Nalgene. Inconsequential. A 1 litre smart water bottle like the pros. Breakfast at Green Gables. Edson, Hinton, Jasper, Mt. Robson, Valemount, all passed in a flash. Driving was fast and efficient. Clearwater for lunch, then past whatever small towns before Kamloops, Kamloops, Merritt, and finally Hope, where I write this in my wind battered tent.

Today felt...strange. Not working on a monday. The product of all that anxiety from the weeks leading here. On and off, confirmed and cancelled. I feel like I am cheating, skipping class. I hope everything at work is functioning without me. I know it is. Tristin is capable. I still feel mentally unprepared to be here, like my mind just wont shift into vacation mode. I feel like vacation mode doesn’t exist. What do I even think vacation mode is? Forgetting my normal life while by background stress dissolved and I laugh and have fun in the sun? Taking time to work out my frustrations in life? As I grow and chase a solution to this anxiety I have been fighting I wonder if there is a new angle I need to consider all together. Because this was isn’t working.

It's soothing to travel and experience all these new geographies and landscapes. Cresting a ridge to see the scrubby valleys near Merritt open up, or the dusty brown hills of Kamloops. Thinking of the unique issues and experiences of these different lives. I wonder what they feel when they're in my town. Its getting to dark to write. I will try to sleep, however the space between my head and Highway 1 is about 15 meters and the noise is insufferable. Earplugs should have been a consideration. I forget the name of the camp but at least on the other side is the Fraser River. My goal tomorrow is to find a way to sooth my mind and relax a bit. I can convince myself I deserve it.

Tuesday 23 Hope-Van-Nanaimo-Campbell-Gold River. Had a late evening and didn’t get to write. I recall loud traffic all evening but I eventually slept. Had a dream about kids harassing us in our tents. On the road early and breakfast in whatever suburb of Vancouver.Had to take some business calls: utility locators looking for keys. Seems to have worked out. Navigating Van was white knuckle. Ended up in Lonsdale Quay to meet Nick's friend. Tall blonde who works in HR for an insurance company.Toured the boardwalk. Floating houses, garbage barges, seals. Had a beer in the sun before heading out to the ferry. Was a nice ride but got slightly burnt.Regret not bringing 360 brimmed hat. Or any hat. Thankful for Buff, long har, and sunscreen.

Georges BBQ was excellent.  Drive to Campbell River felt fast.  Took wrong turn looking for Gold River resulting in a 1 h delay.  Overnight hotel in Gold River.  Stress inducing work related dreams. Thought there would be cell service in town, but there was none. I intended to set a voicemail recording to redirect calls, but that plan was cancelled.  I guess now I am truly disconnected. Upset Amanda before I left and was only able to send a simple late night message to her with hotel wifi. 

Wednesday 24 10:26 - Very poor continental breakfast.1/10.  Drive to Air Nootka was quick. Scenery is just unique enough to be interesting.  It's beautiful, but i have seen plenty of mountains lately. I miss open ranges and horizons. Luckily I am about to meet the biggest horizon there can be. We fly out shortly.

2:35 - Flight into Nootka was short and sweet. Trailhead had lush ferns and ancient giant cedars.  After 1/2 hour of hiking we were at the ocean and grey white sands opened up through the trees. The view was magnificent.  For a while I was at ease that this whole experience was worth the stress it took to get here.Missing is cold beer. The ocean wind is cooling and the sun and sand are warm. I will miss this scene.

Seeing the expansive ocean is a strange feeling.  The endless shimmering and long horizon are beautiful, however there is a sad and empty feeling to it. It needs something to compliment it. A boat or storm clouds. I feel my face getting hot. Need to make sure to stay hydrated. Tent is up and I'll have a short rest.

7:12 - We walked the beach and played in the tide.  The occasional cold drops of rain weren’t a concern then.  But sure enough, the rain came.  Slowly across the horizon like a grey wall of fog. Luckily I just finished dinner so I didn’t have to clean in the rain.  I encountered several problems with my cooking setup: I need more water holding devices OR a better water purification system. Ramen is NOT a good backpacking food. It leaves an oily mess and the smell is impossible to remove. The rice I brought requires too much waiting time and also leaves a hard to remove odour. Recommend just plain rice in the future. Tomorrow and today are feeling like non stop rain. Amanda would love it. I admire her positivity in adverse situations, especially being wet while camping. I like her a lot. I think we still need to learn more about each other and our relationship, but I think it's working. I miss her. I wish I could just say Hi. 

Thu 25 I had a terrible migraine in the night. at first it felt like a headache from being on uneven ground, but it didn’t go away when I rotated.  Agony from 1 am to 7 am when I got out and was able to get tylenol. Was good al day, but was worried about what triggered it. Must hydrate more.

  Rained all night. Not much, but enough to coat everything in fine sand. Packed up and hit the trail quite late. Luckily the weather was favorable.  Everything has dried off now. Today I saw the ocean in the way I hope it would be burned into my memory.  At least a kilometer of firm packed sand at mid tide. Low waves rumbled into the shore, small rolling crests crashing into themselves and then inching their way towards my feet as I walked.

7:57 - Sun is setting and again I am moved by the view. A small beach fire and high tide waves. I will take a photo. The ocean is vast and loud and dangerous but it's simple and I think that’s what I like the most.  It's not to bust to sit back and take it in. No concentration is needed to enjoy the scene. See the clouds. See the horizon. See the waves. Birds and boats provide little extra flavours. With zero hills, the walk has been fairly breezy.  I'm tired now, but not mountain tired.I get paid tomorrow. I have no way to prove or check, but I know I do and I like that. It's been an expensive trip. Worth it? We will see. 

Fri 26/Sat 27 Thankfully the rain didn’t start overnight or early morning while we broke camp.  The walk included large rock hopping and pebbles that would sink you to your ankles. It poured.  This walk wasnt noteworthy. The cabin was a nice feature (Nick's cousins own a cabin and invited us to stay with them). We were greeted with a fire, coffee, burgers, and french toast. Dave, Brian, and Janet were the adults. There were about 8 new high school graduates there as well. They began playing drinking monopoly. Part of me was jealous that I was stuck visiting with the "adults" but it's becoming clear that I have no place in drinking monopoly anymore. My skills have departed from drinking games. I am starting to find myself noticing the dissimilarities between myself and the youth- that is, I feel like I am departing fro being young. 

These girls are young and beautiful. One particularly, Kira, is absolutely magnificent. The boys are fresh faced, modern, handsome.  I feel like I missed out on that stage.  There is a youthful and free energy about them all that I dont think I can replicate anymore.  Perhaps it is less about direct attraction and admiration to the physical appearance and more about the attraction and jealousy of being the type of young man who would have a chance at connecting with these girls.

Our cabin hosts have been so great. Food never tasted so good as it did in the middle of this hike.  Dave takes to conversation like it's an extreme sport.  Charming, personable, funny, and great at telling stories.  Things I admire but never truly developed.  I can just sit on a stony beach and write my thoughts.  As a bonus, dave took me and Nick surfing. No waves, just paddling. But legitimate.  It was unexpected, as I always imagined my first time being in Mexico or California. But the foggy grey Pacific Northwest was incedible, and a memory I hope I hang on to. There were wedding preparations going on at the beach. A guy and a girl who were presumably there early for the wedding in a coupe days were also suiting up to go surfing. The girl, who was very fit, stripped on the beach to get into her wetsuit.  A+. 

This morning, some of the boys and girls went upriver to swim.  A quick glance revealed nudity, and again I was filled with envy for the youth and a growing up I never got to expereince. This cabin is definitely a departure from my summers when I was 18. At one point there was a ziplock bag of weed on the table. Definitely different.

11:34 - Today is sunny and warm again.  Clothes and tents are just finishing drying and we should be on our way soon. One more night on the trail, but the experience has definitely climaxed. Nightmares of work still continue. 

7:37 - I'm sitting on a rock watching the last tide roll in. The last sunset on the ocean that I will see for presumably a long while. And to be true, the actual sunset will be concealed by a cliff to the west of the campsite. We had a black bear encounter.  He was digging through a pile of seaweed seeking out sandflies.  He noticed me first and we stared for a bit.  When the guys showed up, the bear just sat there, scratching himself, unconcerened with us.  We found a way around him. Drinking water was scarce and had to be taken from a hidden little grove. It was tea coloured but seemed to be ok, if you dont think about it to much. I slipped on the logs twice trying to get to it. It was the first night with a clear sky, so I made an effort to stick my head out of the tent once it got dark.  I wish I would have been more awake because the sky was undescribable.  It has been so long since I could see the stars down to the horizon. I could immediatly see the glow of the galaxy spiral arms. Bright stars or planets that I might have been able to identify if i hadnt just woke up. There is something that Whitecourt just doesn't satisfy within my, and that could be it.  Perhaps someday I will find a place to commit my life to. But until then, I will be without home. A complete unknown. Like a rolling stone. 

July 28 8:55 - Outer tents were soaked with condensation.  For the first time, I feel how dirty my hair is and I cannot wait to scrub it. Who knows when that opportunity will be.  At least I have a cleanish set of clothes for the ride home.  My finger and toenails are getting long and dirty.  My facial hair is driving me insane. A wash and shave has never felt more appealing.  Makes me wish I didn’t cancel my anytime fitness membership. Free showers across the country. It is a couple hour hike to Friendly Cove where hopefully we taxi back without much delay. Does the taxi run on sundays? These questions plague me.  Im not sure another day out here would be welcome, just due to the unexpectedness. We will see.     

July 31 Back at home and am recounting the last few days of the trip. We did catch the water taxi back to Air Nootka and the car, but only after experiencing the white guilt served up at the church turned museum at Friendly Cove.  Starting around 7 pm we drove from Air Nootka, caught the ferry in Nanaimo from 10:45 pm to 12:50 am. Got a hotel in Hope.  The following day, drove from Hope and stopped in Kelowna.  Had a beer and watched butts for a while. Continued driving to Vernon where Nick met up with another friend who worked at Predator Ridge Resort. She was very cute.  k_duuub on instagram for anyone wondering just how cute. Continued driving to one of those popular houseboating communities. Stopped and ate. Drove to Golden where I took over driving. Cruised through the mountain parks at night, which was a bizarre experience. Non stop driving til I got home. Now I sit here contemplating if I just burn up the rest of my vacation days this week at home. Thank you for reading.  

[workinsymmetry]

With the Rain

A storm rolled through today. I could watch from the window as the gusts of wind pushed the rain around, making little clouds of mist that disappeared into the concrete. I could barely hear the sound so I opened the window, just a little. To listen to the noise of that little tantrum. I waved my hand in front of the opening, and anticipated the cold air that made its way in.  For a few moments I found myself in the middle of it, the walls and roof stripped away.

The window closed, I watched some more. The violent leaves screaming out white noise. Two rounds of thunder rattled the forest.  I watched outside for hours as the day went on. As the afternoon pressed,  the rain quit. The wind died, and the sun came back out. For a while, I felt the same, and what me and the rain must have shared. Two rolling souls struggling to find a consistent place. Spilling ourselves, pooling in depressions. Waiting for the sun the dry up these tears.

But then the sun filtered through the new green leaves and onto my face, trying to shake me out of that dramatic mood. And I knew what it really wanted to say was "See? I'm over it. Why aren't you?"  

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Miskatonic Dead Cats

A nothing presentation just to pass the time and prove I'm still out here. I guess I've just been lost for a little bit. I can't help but keep wondering what is happening to my mind. What happened to the first person who ran out of inspiration when nothing existed before him to motivate him? I was in a poetry phase a while ago, but the 5 am radio program that I woke up to really began to dig into my sleeping hours and I wasn't willing to go to bed earlier. And to keep the brain in poem mode is truly the struggle of our lives. At least it's less expensive than my motorcycle phase. I started cycling and honestly, I forget I even own a (2) motorcycles. I'm left sitting here watching everyone, feeling like I'm being surpassed at every stage. Did I mention I turned 29? Things were noisy 9 years ago. But in a surprisingly good way. There was a bustle of voices as my friends and I expressed and shared our lives. We had time to spend together. I cared what they had to say. People said things. That sounds like a stupid thing to say, but what I mean is people shared original things. I’m not about to spin off about how social media has ruined relationships. But things are quiet now. But, as a short personal tangent, just open Facebook and see how many posts are original thoughts and not shared videos, tagging friends in photos, or marketplace items. Racist old people. People who think Justin Trudeau and the liberal agenda is the reason their comment was deleted. The point is, I think that social media is partially to blame for a sapping of my creativity. Partially because of the bullshit I see people I'm supposed to be close with posting. But also partially, have you been on instagram lately? You can look at photos of anything. Nature, bikes, butts, surfing. Its all there and it all looks so good. You can do it on the couch. Am I going to give it up? Probably not. My friends are all so beautiful and smart and just seem to be becoming more and more so. And I feel like I'm still just where I have always been. Reasonably, I might believe that like follows like and that I too am smart and beautiful. Or, I believe my own feelings to be true and I really am letting myself fall behind. Anyways, I know this sucks but sometimes its just nice to write something down, even if its trash. Good thing nobody uses tumblr anymore since tits were banned.

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At the insistence of the Sunday blues, I silently exist in this off-pure white life - white walls, white ceiling, white bed, white eaves, white vinyl siding - all slightly tarnished by merely just being. 

Only the tops of the low, broken clouds shine pure white and brilliant, like holy light casting judgement on the ugly towns below who wait to be woken from the bleak palette of the seasonal inbetween. I unfocus my eyes and tilt my head into the light.

If only I could be so grossly incandescent.

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Hereditary

When I look in the mirror, i begin to see them now;

the lines that have begun to sink into my face.

Memories of the times and the places, and the tears

trenched in, like the rainfall that erodes

and streams through the muddy soil.

In these lines i see a reflection of my mother,

recognizing the lines I have seen in her face.

These lines, I think, are my true inheritance. 

Anxiety and sleepless nights predisposed and gifted down

like a present to be found in an heirloom box.

-That’s all for now

[workinsymmetry]

Shut up, it's just art and I feel it's my responsibility to remind you about the superiority of the male nipple.

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It was a beautiful summer night, The kind that inspires nostalgia when you think about it as a grown up. Or maybe not nostalgia, but at least reminiscent of a time when things were different.  When a group of friends still seemed to have the time and the connection to plan a weekend camping trip at the lake. It was a lake he remembered going to as a kid with his family. He's not sure how old he was, but he remembers a few little things, like getting a ball cap from the small provisions store where the camp registry was. The green cage-like traps that could be found near some of the walking trails. His dad yelling "Bear in the campsite!" at the appearance of a little Ursus americanus down the road, as if the other campground patrons had a plan to execute at the appearance of a black bear. He remembers firing a stone from a slingshot at an overhead squirrel, and the following guilt for the wanton destruction of nature. Perhaps this could have been avoided if he planned to eat the squirrel. Fortunately the squirrel lived. The memories seemed so disconnected to the present, as if there was no consecutive path of memories leading from then to now.

The still water, warm air, effects of alcohol, and the idea of impressing girls had promoted the idea that rather than walking down the path leading from the dock to the campsite, swimming would be the preferable route. By this point, twilight was well past and a view of the stars tempted him out into the water. Sinking in and feeling the water splash across his shoulders, he reclined back and began to float. Once into the limnetic and with a vague direction of camp, he paddled off and fixed his attention to the sky and began to daydream. The odd events leading here.

They had decided to go for a late swim at the beach closest to camp; his current destination. Somehow, the conversation turned into who was brave enough to skinny dip. To avoid any disappointment to the reader, it wasn't an exciting venture. In the dark, it mostly involved some of the boys getting in the water to chest height, taking off the swim trunks and holding them above their heads as proof that they were, in fact, skinny dipping. Except for Stephanie.  Stephanie gave off a slight aura of promiscuity, or at least what a young man might define as promiscuous without knowing any better. A more appropriate term might be "liberated", or something with less negative connotation.  Stephanie was dating Anthony, and their sexual activity together was no secret among the group of friends.

From his little section of the lake, amidst the sounds of the other boys swimming and joking around, he watched as Stephanie exposed her breasts to join in the challenge. She was porcelain, accentuated by the moonlight. His admiration of her was short lived as she submerged herself with the rest of them. The excitement of it was mixed with empathy, as it was obvious that Anthony wasn't on board with her public display. “They’re just boobs...”, she had tried to reason. A group of girls walked by the beach, who would later be invited to the campfire with the group. And in an odd intersection of fates, would be encountered again years later as romantic interests. Anthony, regarded as the leader of the group, insisted they instead walk to one of the docks at a different beach on the lake. Anthony and the other boys departed down the beach path. Stephanie remained in the water, and the two of them were suddenly alone and the voices of the others disappeared into the woods.

"Thats ok, I can stay here with you."

It was as if Poseidon and a kraken battled in that water. Two giants: moral responsibility and fraternity versus the excitement of this sudden situation. What would her body feel like embraced against his in that water? Would her skin be smooth and warm or would he feel her nipples, firmed from a norepinephrine response, press into him as they kissed? Would he feel shivery goosebumps on her hips and back if he dared to find out? Decidedly, the better option was to repress desire. Without any incident, they both followed down the path their friends had been on.

Ruminating on the "what-if's", it was easy to forget that he was still floating out on the water. A scan of his environs indicated that there was no longer a sandy benthic within his toes reach and his passive navigation had led him out further into the middle of the lake. His heart rate elevated and panic struck. His muscles fatigued and his heart burned. For the first time in his life, he became aware of the real idea of death. It was as if that defeated sea monster watched him thrash from the lake bottom , ready to squeeze with its tentacle and drag him down, whispering, "foolish boy, if only you stayed with her..."

It is without any doubt that if circumstances were slightly altered, he may not have made it to shore. A stomach cramp. A gulp of lake water that interrupted the crucial management of his breathing. Maybe a few more drinks in his system would have made the coordination of his body impossible. Maybe a few less and he would have felt the effect of his fatigued muscles much sooner.

Whatever the winning combination of factors, he washed up on his destination beach and returned to his friends at the campfire. Later that night, he swears he heard Stephanie and Anthony fucking in their tent.  

-J

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Parrot in apartment down the hall: (parrot noise)

Parrots owner: Shut the fuck up!

Me: I don't mind paying a bit extra to live alone because I enjoy the quiet and privacy.

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With every laugh and all the tears we've shared We bare our hearts open Bravely or foolishly, hoping that our secrets and naked thoughts Are safely held in each others hands. Irresponsibly I have uncurled your fingers And given you my love so freely. We give and we make beautiful dreams of our perfect lives, But maybe the biggest mistake is that we never took them back.

Always, when I leave you, I feel like something whole is split in two. Because I feel I might have given to much of myself for you to hold And now I'm just partial. Maybe I was better before you ever knew me.   But I can always see your eyes and I can feel how they see through me. As you reminded me, "with brown spots."

I've failed to take inventory. I've forgotten twice now, to feel as it happened, The last bit of electricity that died the final time our fingertips slid away from each other. When my muscles softened and released you, And I took that last gasp of air and filled myself with the beautiful scent of your skin and hair, As if I would capture it in a bottle, and maybe I could remember you.

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As I sat and watched the balsams shimmer in the breeze, I counted each leaf lost a new reason why I had so recklessly fallen for you. A leaf for your smile, two for your eyes. Ten for the way you see through the disguises I may had put on to hide my worst from you. I relaxed, then. And for a while enjoyed the sun as it warmed me through the glass panes. In the moment, though, I must have fallen asleep. And in my dreams I saw you, looking back at me. Except I was transformed now, into that tree, and now you counted the things you saw in me.

But in my dream, the weeks of fall had past. You stood there, tired of the cold, waiting for your last reason to be cast away. I tried to hold on to a final thing to keep you with me. But winter came and with my dormancy You picked the final leaf from my limb and I had nothing left to make you stay.

But you remained, and whispered true and absolute;

“I like your leaves, but love your roots”

When I woke up, the sun had set and the warmth of the day was put to rest. For a moment I reflected on my dream. Just a dream.

And now I close my eyes again. Ready to end another day.