wormyapples

[wormyapples]

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Part 1

"I already hate this place" I said more to myself than anyone. We were in the car on the freeway going up into Rhinebeck, New York. The part of New York nobody cares about. Cows, corn, apples, goats and strip malls full of nosey grandparents and an abysmally small number of pre-college age kids desperate to leave town for the city.

Worst of all, my cousin Jezzy had lived there with my mom and her immediate family. This was going to be a horrible weekend.

I scraped at the remainders of my chipped black nail polish while my dad whistled along to Nickleback on the radio. I couldn't tell if it was the song making me want to puke or the egregiously long drive.

"Come on Kaylie. What happened to enjoying your favorite season? Hayrides, pumpkins, and your favorite? Hot cider, but fresh, locally made" said dad, trying to cheer me up.

Maybe it worked. I couldn't stop the slight smile he inspired, but I could hide my face by turning it towards the window and watching the swaths of green land and prairie houses pass by. That's when he figured me out and I could see him smile from the corner of my eye.

"And don't worry. You can text me anytime. If you're bored, if you're upset. You know you can reach out" he continued on, as Nickleback faded to Daughtry.

"Ugh" was all I said. "Can we listen to something else? No offense"

"Here" dad replied, unhooking his phone from the mount on the AC vent. The phone was connected to the car speakers by bluetooth, but I did miss the days when we'd flip through a case full of CDs. I scrolled through his playlists with my band-aid wrapped right thumb until I settled on a stray AFI song, "girls not grey".

"Okay. We are almost there. I'm gonna pull into a drive through and order some coffee. Want anything?"

I knew he was talking about Dunkin Donuts. Dad was a police officer but he was on vacation. That didn't stop him from going to his favorite feed station.

"Oatmeal?" was all I said with a shrug. I was barely hungry, but if I wanted to survive entering Rhinebeck without a mental crash, I needed the sustenance.

"Of course honey" says dad as he pulls the car neatly into the drive thru. There were no other customers there. Upstate New York was so different from Queens. The pace was slower. Everything was monumentally more boring.

I picked at a loose thread hanging from the collar of my Tripp moto jacket, a hand-me-down from Jezzy of course. Remembering that fact made me want to hide it in my sleepaway bag. Did she even remember it anyway? She had a million jackets just like it. I placed my bets on her forgetting and sighed.

Dad and I ate quietly and sipped coffee and hot white chocolate respectively as we closed the distance between civilization and the family house. Well, mom's side of the family.

Pulling up onto the spacey car-addled drive-way lawn hybrid felt both familiar and strange. I finished my tasteless oatmeal and warm drink just as dad finished his doughnut and started on his breakfast sandwich. The smell of the maple sausage filled the car.

Immediately I saw my baby cousin Abby outside on the front steps of the big family house holding her American Girl doll and twirling one of her blond pigtails. My youngest aunt, Tabitha came out of the house and scooped Abby up into her arms and approached the car just as dad put it in park. Tabitha called back and soon Mom and my other aunt Jennifer and uncle Joe came outside. Uncle Joe was wearing oven mitts and had on his "Grill Sergeant" apron. He must have been flipping burgers in the backyard. I wondered if grandma was up too? She had dementia and needed constant care. But I found that I missed her anyway.

Dad opened my door after he got out of the car and I stepped out, unprepared for the borage of hugs and shoulder pats that soon followed.

"Hi" was all I said after the first hugs. When mom hugged me, I said "hey mom I missed you"

"I missed you too honey" she said and kissed my forehead. Abby squealed when she hugged me and hit me with her doll.

"Ow" I said.

"Come on inside Abby. Let's eat some cookies. Your aunt Madeline worked on them all day" said aunt Tabitha towing Abby inside. As I lugged my sleepaway bag over the few steps that led into the house, I watched in the corner of my eye as mom and dad talked quietly outside by the car. A part of me hoped dad would suggest they go get something to eat. In this fantasy, mom agreed and the two of them would go out and eat all day, and maybe dad would stay over too. But a girl can only dream.

The house smelled like pine scented Cheseapeake Bay candles and grilled beef.

"Hey there scout" said uncle Joe. "I'm making burgers. Feel free to have one if you're hungry from that long journey out of the city"

"Thanks uncle Joe" I mumble, heading straight upstairs for the guest room, hoping and hoping with all my heart that Jezzy wasn't in there. It was her room before she ran off and started living with some creep. It was around then that the family's wariness turned to me instead of her. She got off their plate. Me? I was the appetizer about to be upgraded to a dreaded entree.

I didn't even look up when I dropped my Nightmare Before Christmas sleepway bag on the floor by the door, but as soon as I did, my stomach dropped.

There was Jezzy sitting on what was to be my bed. She had the same long vibrant purple hair--- reminding me of all the times I enviously eyed the dye bottles she'd leave littering the bathtub and dining room table. She wore the same signature shade of autumn brown lipstick, one of her trademark moto jackets, ripped black jeans and shiny black chunky heel boots. I was taken aback by how amazing she looked, how it made me idolize and dislike her all at once. Nobody prepared me for this.

"Hey there cuz" she said, her voice raspy yet upbeat. "I'm so happy you like that jacket. I wore that to a few concerts when I used to go. Wow! you cut a bang? It looks so good, that layered teased look. Just a wait a few years and maybe Madeline will let you get highlights" she says crossing her legs.

"Do they know you're here?" I ask. No greetings. No manners. I was slightly ashamed.

"Of course not" she said. "Oh and by the way. Don't let anybody bully you here okay? You're not like some kind of spawn I spit out before running away. You're Madeline's kid. You're a good kid. My mom, as much as she likes to pretend she was, wasn't exactly a stellar child. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess" she finishes it off by biting into a McIntosh apple I didn't even realize she had, if she had it at all before biting it. Her lipstick stayed perfectly intact afterwards.

"Okay" was all I could muster. "Well, I'll be fine"

"I know you will. Just stay safe. Stay away from bridges and all that. You know" she says with a smile. "Grandma would appreciate it. A little milk in a bowl. Don't step over the mushroom rings and such"

I clenched my jaw. Here we go again. I needed her to disappear. I needed her to leave. Even though I thought she was gorgeous, and wanted with every fiber of my being to be just like her. Run off with my own dark prince, go to any shows I wanted, get into clubs with a fake ID, meet bands and artists and directors, model for underground magazines and kiss boys behind the bleachers. Most of all get to know her. The real Jezzy. The brave, wayward girl. The only one in the family privy to grandma's whimsical insanity. The only one who could get her to speak a coherent sentence. It sat heavy on my bones, that desired that wish to know the world they shared, and the world Jezzy ran away for.

But I was just Kaylie. The ticking time bomb. The one that reminded everybody of Jezzy. And grandma's dementia. And everything that ever went wrong in the family.

"Don't you have somewhere to go?" I nearly spit.

"I'll see you around. Bye Kaylie" she says with a warm smile, standing up, long, reed thin, perfect. She looked like she could drift on the autumn air like a fallen leaf. Like her laughter brings the wolves to howl at the moon. Like her hands can tame the night. Like she dances with elves in the forests. And part of me ached for it. Ached for the life she chose. It was so physical I almost rushed to her. In my mind I fell at her feet and begged her to tell me how she did it.

But I'm Kaylie Scheifflin. I'm not Jesslyn Rivers.

When I turned to glance at the doorway to see if anyone was eavesdropping, I felt a slight draft of cool air and when I turned to look back at Jezzy, she was gone.