worthless-bitch-attack-blog - Tumblr blog

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I’m defected

I am the youngest.

I am the latchkey who had no one.

They would watch movies together and send me to my room; alone.

I was always alone.  I never understood why.

When I walked away to my room sad, she rolled her eyes.

I wasn’t throwing a tantrum. I really felt sad and lonely.

I wasn’t wanted.

That’s why they joke about it in front of me.  I’m wrong to be hurt by it. FUCK YOU!!!!!

It’s weird that everyone thereafter throughout my life treats me the same way  my family does.  It’s as if you were all flies on the wall in my childhood and now you do the same thing to me that they did.  They don’t care that you hurt me.  They automatically assume I deserve it. 

i hate you all!!!!

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Good Thing I’m Breaking the Cycle

The same way my mom ignored my concern, her mom did the same to her when she told her she was raped.  What my mom did to me, her mom did to her.  Why is it okay to confide in me with that information, telling me how much it hurt you, and then turn around and do the same thing to me.  I never learned to trust you mother. I learned that I was the one you dumped on when you felt daddy didn’t love you.  You read your private diary entries to me when I was between the ages of 13 and 17. It’s so easy to hurt your own children and have no realization that you’re doing so.  It’s a good thing I don’t ever want to have kids.

No one ever hears me when I cry for help.  This is why people who commit suicide feel that is the only option.  This is why those who are suffering never speak out because the ones they should trust, can’t be trusted.  The abusers are always protected while the victim is shamed and punished.  I HATE YOU!!! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!

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The Cycle

I wish I was loved. 

I wish I was capable of it.

I look back on my life and realize those who I should have felt safe with, never regarded me.  For example, I told my mom I didn’t feel safe being left alone with a male friend when I was 17. She was going to go to the store and trusted me with him.  I didn’t.  She laughed at me right in front of him when I expressed my discomfort. 

I am always dismissed when I express concern. Not just with my mom but with just about anyone.  So now I just keep my mouth shut and feel worthless.  Why am I here? Why do I exist? 

It’s so frustrating knowing that I was setup for failure with my over-sheltered upbringing to the point that others see my defect without even knowing me and they all treat me the same way my family treated and treats me.  Like I’m always wrong and deserving of being bullied and outcast. 

Even if I think positive it doesn’t negate the fact that I’m worthless. 

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💔

When you’re growing up in abusive environment there’s such a strong feeling of “not belonging here”, “not being a part of anything” and feeling like you’re not supposed to be among humans at all, and only wishing that someone would come already and take you home. To another planet, where there’s people like you, where you wouldn’t be a burden or nuisance, where you wouldn’t feel guilty for just being, for existing as you are. It feels all wrong, being in a place where you’re so despised, as if it would be better if you didn’t exist at all. We all just want to go to our real home.

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It's heartbreaking. My inner child is still affected today.

spending hours and hours crying as a child knowing that nobody will ever know or care for what you’re going thru leaves a scar

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I'm a human being with needs

I only want one sexual partner. I don't want multiple partners. That gives me anxiety from a health perspective. Further I've tried casual sex and swinging and that just ruffles up my insecurities in a nauseating way. All of that is heartbreak. I also don't want just sex. I also am scared that i will be abandoned again. That someone will try to control me and manipulate me again instead of being a safe person who has good intentions. So as much as I want to try to love again I'm wired to expect more pain. More? Haven't I paid my dues? Too scared to find out but needing that human connection that I'm also so terrified of. For that I'm a pitiful coward just like an ex friend told me. People are a bad vice for me. I'm scared. It's wrong to want love, to give love to wish to be loved. In turn I get bullied, played with and silence.

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💔

i wonder what it’s like to have someone love and adore and cherish you that shit must be w i l d

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I was doing so good

I was single on purpose, working on myself. Therapy and putting myself first. I did so good for 1.5 years. Now I feel like I want to love and be loved but I don't feel worthy. I'm still traumatized by the recent friendship I had to let go of because they blamed me for something I didn't do. Alot of friends have been so cold to me that I just had to let them go. I'm glad I did that but it's scary believing that I will find people who love me. Especially if my own family is just as bad to me as all my friendships and romantic partners. I push away because I get pushed away but no one ever fights for me or tried to show that my feelings and thoughts matters. They just laugh or tell me how I should feel. That hurts. I don't understand why they give the love I wish to receive to everyone but me. I'm just really not worth it I guess. Life is a stab in the heart. I want to love but I get used instead

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Oh my god. I totally feel that way. It's probably also why I run when they make me mad. Once you're mad it's over and I better bail because I'm not the person you resolve things with. That's something the same person does with everyone else in their life except me.

When a person I’m close to gets mad at me, I feel like all their love and care for me has instantly been revoked forever and will never come back. I blame it all on myself because I made them mad. I DESERVE to no longer be loved and cared for because I made them mad. I DESERVE TO BE ABANDONED BECAUSE ALL I EVER DO IS MAKE THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT ME ANGRY.

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Just because you didn’t understand what was happening at the time doesn’t invalidate the abuse. Just because your abuser appeared to not know what they were doing doesn’t invalidate the abuse. Abuse is abuse is abuse no matter what.

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“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.”

— Ann Wilson Schaff

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Abuse is abuse. Period. Stop enabling it by saying it was unintentional. That pisses me off!

One of my new favourite quotes of one of my friends is this:

“Unintentional abuse is still abuse. And unintentional manipulation is still manipulation. Even if you mean no harm, the harm is still done, you know.“

She posted this under a video of someone with BPD saying “Oh, it may seem like abuse, but it’s unintentional.”  

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That BITCH is a cunt

Fuck that bitch!

One of my new favourite quotes of one of my friends is this:

“Unintentional abuse is still abuse. And unintentional manipulation is still manipulation. Even if you mean no harm, the harm is still done, you know.“

She posted this under a video of someone with BPD saying “Oh, it may seem like abuse, but it’s unintentional.”  

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Calling out all you worthless old fashioned parents. You ruined a huge chunk of society. BURN!

Me: Hey, mom, dad… I’m having problems with depression, anxiety and sleeping

My parents: You got it from being on your stupid phone all the time! It influenced you to be depressed and anxious. Barely any kids were like this back in my day.

Me, remembering all the times my parents have hurt me and generally fucked up my life: Oh yeah lmao must be that for sure

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The reason society teaches us to say the right words is to protect them from our pain, further suppressing and bypassing the truth. People are jerks man

“Instead of saying ‘I’m damaged, I’m broken, I have trust issues’ say ‘I’m healing, I’m rediscovering myself, I’m starting over.’ Positive self-talk.”

— Horation James

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Growing up with emotional abuse makes you want to avoid people when you feel bad instead of seeking someone out.

Because your abuser always told you you weren’t really upset.

Or that what you’re upset about is trivial.

Or that you’re overreacting again.

Or that your being upset is ruining everyone else’s mood.

Or that you’re being a baby.

Or that you need a thicker skin.

Or you’re told to go away until you can be a decent person again.

You believe your feelings don’t matter unless you express the “right” ones the “right” way at the “right” time, and you can never do it “right.”

You believe everybody has it worse, so there’s no point in talking about it when you feel bad.

It’s easier to isolate yourself when you’re sad, angry or hurt because it feels easier than “inflicting” yourself on somebody else.

Even when there are beautiful people in your life who say you can always come to them, you still don’t because you’re scared.

That is what sits at the center of who I am. It’s like an abscess that won’t pop or drain. And when it hurts, it hurts.

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