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[wrinkledblackfabric]

2/28/17

i learned about sylvia plath today and i think shes a load of bullshit. maybe its because we’re too similar

idk shes antisemetic and a mess and honestly iiiiiiii dont support that.

so march is starting tomorrow which statistically speaking is the most depressing month of the year. thats one for the scrapbook.

i finally sen

[wrinkledblackfabric]

2/26/17

its been a while

hasnt it

a lots happened

i cant get into it any longer

surrounded in a good way

i guess

where are they though

were they ever really there

perhaps

havent won me yet

[wrinkledblackfabric]

[wrinkledblackfabric]

2/11/17

christ is my laptop cold

i dont remember the last things i talked about.

we hung out in his room again the other day. i think. i was high for a long time that day..

speaking of

i was chatting with her yesterday morning and i came upon the realization that, save for one day (filled with residuals) i hadnt been completely sober in a week. that was, in a way sobering (badum tss). wow anyway

she said she was worried about me a little bit and i think its funny because highschool me wouldve been worried too. in perspective its okay. middle school me didnt think id be around this long. funny.

anyway

i had some sort of fantastical self realization last night that i cant for the life of me remember. i think i felt whole, in a way. that was an interesting moment.

interestingly more still was my understanding this morning that in order to feel truly like i was living my own life i had to be in character. whether this was a sign from my brain that self care was absolutely necessary or simply a desire to look nice i cannot tell.

speaking of - the symphony is tomorrow night and its going to be great. he washed his shirt which i think is funny but somehow the cocktail of that mixed with him passing along a hello is not going down as smooth as id like it to.

i also chatted with him today which was nice for a change i dont know if i trust him still but a weird part of me does. perhaps he reminds me of someone from home. - lesson/goal of the week: make my own fucking decisions about people. be less naive - no, less kind.

her stomach is so soft and good.

so i was texting her this morning as i was slowly crawling out of bed and when i told her about my full day of sobriety she says “damn what a shame.” thats how u kno ur shits real.

but yeah so i feel good in my skin when im performing. i think thats what helped me with my instrument today. that, mixed with this weird feeling of confidence that her presence lent to me. it was good i felt like myself again. i really really did. 

that being said, i have no idea who “myself” is at this point. its someone completely different than then. but this trace of before me has been helpful, soothing in a way - it makes me feel grounded to my own personality, i suppose.

everything will work out in the end. by work out i mean death, inevitably, but still. the getting there will be less self-sacrificial.

[wrinkledblackfabric]

[wrinkledblackfabric]

2/8/17

i think- anyway so today was surprisingly good after all i made a few conclusions primarily i have to make an offering to my host lest they think i be freeloading secondarily shes definitely mad at me but tomorrowzoe will deal with that thirdarily if i could eat this song i would have i been sober? when was the last time Oh right so what brought me here was the notion that i have to burn through likes like waves in order to purify my brain that way when someone actually offers me affection i wont be so burnt out and dead inside you know? like i said i just dont give a shit about all that and all them anymore im just riding it out i think my more recent page still has some meaning to it though quite awfully so anyway

[wrinkledblackfabric]

2/7/17

im freezing in here and it smells like her. not overwhelmingly so, fortunately.

shes not having a good health day (when is she anyway) so shes had me babysitting all afternoon. i dont mind, im just hungry. its not like id eat though. i never do.

i texted him for a bit today. it was significant in its insignificance. i suppose. i dont know. dont look at me like that.

the point of writing this is to find meaning in seemingly meaningless things. i dont want to be here anymore.

i want to be later, not somewhere else. maybe both. im trapped here, literally, right now.

im so cold.

i want to go smoke-

***

okay so i did go out and smoke

it took me eight times to type out the asterisks but im trying

i hope my typing this isnt waking up my roommate. its probably fine. im typing lightly.

so heres what happened

i smoked with her first which i can barely believe was tonight. hours have stretched into days i suppose

anyway so then i talked to him about his whiny little white boy life for like two hours which was unintentional also i cant believe i forgot i was mad at him today like woah what an asshole cant believe i did that again its just like him its just like

him

not that one, the real one.

anyway so i ended up with “squad” (anth paper inspection perhaps?)

and we went to the woods

and i acquired nates clothes

we wandered around and amvs were a good thing (good!))

then he showed up and we went to his room and he was honestly unremarkable but also sounded neat so idk

cigarettes? wow 

okay

i had a much better evening than i intended. what the wave

[wrinkledblackfabric]

my room today

[wrinkledblackfabric]

1/31/17

whats good motherfuckers

todays topic of the day is gender

apparently!!

i cant tell what kind of neat-o combination of pms and headache-ness and anxiety im experiencing but she aint great!!

i hung out with him quite a bit today. i almost reached some point in the conversation where i thought, huh, maybe i treat him too much like my female friends. too much? i dont even know what /that/ means. i treat him like hes a gay woman?? i dont fuckin know man

its interesting how my mom talks about nonmutual compassion among friends as she offered me some really affirming support earlier today. well at least she intended it that way. its only because shes “happy” with him now that im seeing those colors. i dont know

i think its funny because ive finally realized my interest in him - in the sense that hes too similar to me. i see the flaws in him as flaws in myself that i try to fix but i cant because theyre just parts of my personality and thats so frustrating and i miss late spring rain and getting soaked and hammond and lexington and pipesmoke burns on the scratched leather chair.

i feel more like myself than i have in the past month and its reaffirming and scary. 

only when im outside do i feel as though theyre annoying me

anyway

my thought towards that coming out video made me feel like my father which as a queer woman myself was quite scary.

god my head hurts.

ALSO that one lil yuuri comic about anxiety was the most relatable and wholesome content ive consumed in /ages/ i want to frame it and put it on my wall.

i guess the thing about this semester as good as its been going is that ive been cursed with this irreplaceable sensation of loneliness

like even though im surrounded by people who i love and care about i feel like im entirely absent

my bodys so light i could just poof away

[wrinkledblackfabric]

1/29/17

struggling is definitely the word id use

for myself

right now

[wrinkledblackfabric]

1/25/17

my journaling has been quite abrupt over the past few days, and i think that directly corresponds to having people lurking over my shoulder while i write. its not necessarily a bad thing, but it does suggest a couple potential problems. primarily, people might see my url and find this (yikes) (jk) but also people might read my thoughts!!!

this is dumb im sorry 

i just woke up

i noticed before that my eyes keep crossing as im attempting to stay awake. interestingly enough, while i was in the bathroom, i had this odd moment of realization: okay so you know that thing where if youre dreaming and you have to pee in your dream and then you actually do but then you wake up and woops youre peeing in real life?? okay ive peed in my dreams before and this definitely has never happened to me but also i can read in my dreams too and everyone says thats also super not a thing but whatever humour me here for a moment.

so essentially there i was peeing and my eyes started to cross, and then i thought: what if i was actually asleep right now? there are many moments in my everyday life where i have to wonder whether im actually awake or really just living through a hyperrealistic dream, but then again, isnt dreaming just seeing yourself in different possible and impossible realities. funny.

anyway i thought it was strange - i had this nervousness about peeing that i feel like i only attribute to dreams but perhaps it was because i wasnt completely, in my reality, if i was sitting on a toilet or not. that kind of apprehension where you think to yourself, right before you step into the shower, im still wearing underwear. funny how that works.

he’s definitely different now. his whole tone and way of being has completely shifted. i think she’s right. he’s more willing to open himself up to us now that he doesnt have anyone else to. i feel bad about him losing his companion though, i dont know what id do if one of my girls disappeared from my life almost completely. 

i thought it was cute what he told me before. i swear to god his entire presence just seems much more relaxed now. at least, around me. its interesting too how theyve all realized that im (minus the missing one) the person closest to him. i dont know how theyve realized everything hes told me, but i suppose that me disappearing for hours on end every time we interact should tell them something. potentially. i dont know social relationships are weird.

its odd too because i know somewhere in my drafts i have posted something about us cuddling together. but i barely remember that night. it mightve been one of the times i drank that strange liquor. its interesting - the memory is veiled like some sort of alice in wonderland fragment. the moment cant be spotted by alcohol - ive never drank enough with them to warrant such a response, yet - i still have pieces. i remember the smell, first. i remember... not the time with him. i remember the ears, the chin, the hands, the fingers. i remember the softness. i remember... arms? his. i remember all of us fitting somehow. our three faces were quite close. i remember telling her the next day and her playful anger in response. ive always worn it as a sort of badge of pride that bonded with both of them so quickly.

[wrinkledblackfabric]

1/24/17

we’re on the same terms now, ive realized

its nice really. im happy about it.

something about the conversation changed things. he gets it now, i think.

today was too long and wow its too funny because my body is just incredibly incredibly week but i havent been profoundly upset yet today so thats a plus

[wrinkledblackfabric]

1/23/17

so im better today.

let me clarify that statement.

i definitely got better as they day went on. 

anyway so this was basically (entirely) due to me venting to her for like twenty five straight minutes over lunch. it was GREAT.

anyway for whatever reason everyone has developed incredibly toxic relationships and theyre disgusting and quite frankly im goddamn tired of dealing with them on the campus. christ im tired.

also we’re buying symphony tickets probably tonight or tomorrow and thats super super good. this is pointless. they know.

[wrinkledblackfabric]

1/22/17

i chatted with him today. extensively. things were stirred up and i wanted to cry but i didnt. i havent felt this alone in... since then. song choice: "heaven knows im miserable now" im sorry i dont feel the same way as i used to. im sorry youre just catching up. i wonder if he respects me more now. or if he understood something else, something deeper. i feel it back in my chest, resurfacing. it never left, really. just dwelled more quietly. this should be an interesting week. id love to cry and drain but i cant and i wont i wont i wont i wont less black treacle leaking out, more viscous grey fluid you know i always thought it was stupid when people would feel so connected with the smiths but theres a certain flavour of personal sadness i feel they ring true with me. i was consistently not sober this weekend. letting go was not nearly as rewarding as id hoped. he was just sitting with them in the hall. thats the kicker, do i mean more to him than them? its an unreasonable thing to think, but somehow i still feel as though we're somehow kindred spirits. somehow. ive always always always thought that. im usually not wrong about those things. if anything i have that. i still have my premonition this week has been hard. i feel so disconnected - its starting, i know. no empty hopeful sex could help it either. ill suffer alone because of course anything else would be detrimental. naturally. i dont know why i cant connect with her im sure she still loves her husband but after sixty years im sure shes gotta still be a little sad about him not waking up next to her. its sad. i dont know exactly what moment triggered such a mental shift but its been destructive. we need to sell the house. its starting. im glad i didnt go into it. not that it wouldve been too personal, he knows about things deeper, i feel. it was so sweet, when he tried to reassure the positives in my life. i mean i saw exactly what he was trying to do, but i think it was remarkably human that he recognized the sadness and panic in my tone. its not that ive repressed those memories as theyre not old enough to, i feel. i suppose like i said whats it matter anyway ah there it is im feeling myself start to slip mark it here 1/23 at 12:23 am i lost feeling

[wrinkledblackfabric]

Me in 2008: i'm not gay

Lady Gaga: *releases Just Dance*

Me in 2008: yeah i'm gay

[wrinkledblackfabric]

[wrinkledblackfabric]

1/19/17

heres a story its 1159 pm and im waiting in stairwell for friends to come back with completely legal substances. a guy just walked past and didnt say anything. we made eye contact. idk. i had a full day. education has been treating me well so far. and