write-a-good-one

[write-a-good-one]

I feel like I am going to fuck this up and I feel like I am doing my best. I feel like im not getting closer because I am seeing you in him. It scares me that its going to end the same. Its starting to feel similar. I dont know how to talk about it. Im making all the effort to go to your place. You dont listen to me, you talk over me. I know im not perfect but Im just dont want myself to feel the same as he did to me when im with you. 

[write-a-good-one]

things emotional intelligent people do not do

dont assume how you feel is how it is in reality or how it will turn out in the end. 

emotion is not someone elses doing. I am the cause of how I am feeling 

I cant determine what will make me happy. open up to any experience for the good and bad

fearful is not the wrong pass. 

happiness is a choice and I dont need to make it all the time. need to process every feeling which will lead to contentment 

dont be swayed by others but can reflect 

dont withhold feelings but hold the emotional response for the right environment 

feelings will not kill me. 

I dont become close friends with everyone. I need trust but not close. I am open to few 

bad feeling does not equal a bad life

[write-a-good-one]

daily routine

make a specific routine, doesn't mean the same thing but maybe travelling once every month, having a steady and safe self conscious and sticking to it. 

habits create mood. moods are created by how much was sleep, move but the pattern of thoughts 

happiness is not how many things I do but how well I do them. 

routine gives routine of safety and purpose. 

I feel content because routine is reaffirming a decision I already made. 

[write-a-good-one]

I constantly chase after a passion or what will make me happy. It can only preserve of what I thought would resolve my happiness of the past. What I desire is living in the moment.

Success is somewhere you arrive? Success is somewhere we get to? We constantly measure our goals of how finished they are, how the story sounds, or how someone would judge us. There is no where to arrive to. ACCOMPLISHING GOALS IS NOT SUCCESS... how much you expand in the journey is.

Fear mean you are doing something worthwhile. There is interest to continue.

I need to hold myself accountable for what I am afraid of. I need to stop creating crisis as an avoidness technique. The core of creating a program is fear of who I am.

Programs are pathways not road blocks. Running into a programs makes you act different to push from comfort

My perception of my past changes as I change. Don’t let the past define you. The past did not prevent me from achieving the life I want so why am I resenting it? It facilitated it. Don’t gloss of the trauma of the past but recall them with acceptance. They are place in the storyline of my personal evolution.

[write-a-good-one]

1/2/21

I am scared. All of plans have to be replanted. I feel like I’m at the bottom of the ocean drowning and everyone else is laugh and splashing in the waves. I know I could do better but I don’t know how to stand out. Everything I am doing i feel is not for me but for what I need to have a future. It sucks to be in this inbetween. I want to get a job I actually like and that I can be happy and healthy with. I want to be able to enjoy the things I like without feeling guilty for sending money on it. I just want to not feel the need to have someone love me and hold me when I feel this low. I want to be able to uplift myself. I know I am capable it’s just easy to go to someone else. I don’t want to be anxious about the future. I will play out how it plays out. I need to change my mindset. I think most of my health issues is steaming from this anxiety. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for awhile.

[write-a-good-one]

I figured it out. I’m anxious bc it’s been so long since I let myself be this vulnerable and letting you in that I’m giving you the ability to hurt me. And I’m scared. Terrified.

[write-a-good-one]

11:00:35

I am stressed. The past few days have been rough to say the least. On the out side not so much but on the inside, I am about to explode. My sleep cycles have been really worrying me. I dont even need to look at my fitbit to see that my sleep is nonexistant. There are times I can stay up for 36 hours and times where 3 hours is enough sleep inbetween shifts and that I need 10 hours to recharge. I get to the point of knowing I need sleep and put on head on the pillow and my mind just starts going. 

I dont know if I am making this up in my head but I feel awkward around you. I feel awkward when i even text you. I do not know what you want and it makes things difficult. I dont know where the boundary is. Am I allowed to touvh you? Can I text you during to day? I dont get that you asked to hang out less but you asked me to move in? I dont get that you said we will hang out on my time but you said you want to take me to all these places? I am very confused by you and I need stablity. I feel like a bother. I just want to go back to being happy to see you and feeling good around you. I need to know where your head is at. I want to be able to give you space but I don tknow if you need that because rn I dont want space. 

My phone sucks. I need it fixed. 

I have done everything I had in the past 4 years to get to this point of applying for grad school. I am trying to rub it off like its not a big deal but it could be the next 2 years of my life or it could not be. I have so much riding on this. 

I do not know why but my dreams have been things I have be repressing. It is scary to wake up to. I have had my reoccuring dream of being trapped in my house being shot at. I have had one about being rapped. I dont know if this is also making me scared to fall asleep. I have been shaky the past few days. 

I want to help myself. I want to work out more. I want to eat better. I want to be productive. 

[write-a-good-one]

9:39:01

I hate it and it sucks. I do not like that you are now influencing my moods. it sucks that I care so much. It sucks that your actions effect mine. I see what you are saying that we need to hang out less. I see why you said those things that made me sad. I did not realize that I was effecting you too. I want you here. I am craving you. I want to tell you this but is it the right thing to do? I dont know. all I know is that I want you here. 

I am sorry. 

[write-a-good-one]

3:27:19

I want to be someones first. I want someone to put me first. I am tired of being second. I want to be treated fairly and with respect. I dont want someone to do me wrong. I want to be loved but loved with trust, dignity and respect. I just want to cry. I cant tell you the last time I cried. but I have wanted to cry for a very long time. I am shaking. I dont know what I am doing. 

[write-a-good-one]

20:40:41

I am checking in on myself. From my toes to the top of my head. my toes are cold, crossed over one another, relaxed. my legs are pressed into the bed. my sit bones are aching while supporting my upper body. my mind is distracted bc I feel like I should be remembering what my sit bones are called but cant remember. I am mad at myself for not remembering. im slouched over. pillow supporting my back. my abdomen is crunched. my heart is closed. my lungs are deflated. my respirations are slow. I am slow but life is fast. my shoulders are protracted. my arms are tired. my neck is slanted. my head is tilted. my thoughts are tilted. a throbbing on my forehead. a cluster in my head. everything is slow and tired. but I am relaxed in the body and not in the mind. its weighing me down that I cant get up.but I feel weightless. im drained by nothing. 

I want to be laying in bed with someone watching tv naked. I want to study someones body. I want to feel close and warm. it saddens me that I dont even care who it is with. I just want someone to care and understand me. or atleast try to. that why I think I am holding onto chris. I like attention. I just dont like it from the wrong people. I like to be adored but not in front of people. and to answer his question, yes I would be embarrassed. we are not together so it would be weird to be coupley in front of his family or anyone for that matter. 

[write-a-good-one]

3:19:55

wow. I knew it was coming but like I was not expecting that. I know how I am. I have been with myself for 23 years. I know that im a “friendly” person as some would say. I dont know if I bring that out in people too. I wasnt expecting to get that drunk. I wanted to be that drunk dont get me wrong. I am glad it was with chris of all people. I hate myself though for blacking out and I dont know what was said or done. I feel like crap. but in the moment I didnt. I needed that. 

I loved that way you took care of me. my body. I loved how you paid attention to details. went through my vasculature. dissecting every part of my body. I loved that and I cant say that enoguh. I got what I craved. starting with my feet and identifying muscle groups and veins and organs. I crunched up for a second and chris kissed me. I was not expecting it to be so soft but once you pushed me to lay back down.. I was done. you had me for the night. you pulled me into you. 

I learned from this that I crave the action not the person. I think thats why it is so easy for guys to have friends with benefits. that can distinush between the person and the action. I need to learn to do that. I dont crave chris, I crave what he did and I can find that in anyone else. 

im just feel shitty. Im scared of this being alone. I dont know if why my head hurts because I just have so many thoughts to get out. I have no craving for food because all I crave is attention. im not doing well. im going to try and change that mindset but its just difficult when you are not feeling well. 

[write-a-good-one]

11:11:57 pm

im going to try and clear my head bc there is alot going on. Im just going to type with out editing and see where it gets me. 

I want to get out. I want to feel someone on me. like really on me. all over me. I eant to be touch every EVERY where including my heart, the butterflies in my stomach, my finger tips, my toes, my lips, both lips to be extact. I want to feel. feel warm but not warm from this flu. I wondering if andrew still thinks of me. I wonder if he care. I know I am thinking like this because I am alone. I mean lonely. I dont mind being alone when I want to be. I like being with people dont get me wrong but I like being with the right kind of pepole that stimulate me. I wonder if he has been with anyone else. I wonder if he has really I mean REALLY moved on. does anyone really move completely on when you had a connection that strong. I feel bllod rushing to my face and water collecting in my ducts. I dont know ehy I am thinking like this because he seriouslt hasnt been on my mind until he followed me back. Im surious to why that is. I dont want to get back with him. I think I am just craving intimicy. I feel when thid is all said and done and this lockdown is lifted im going to jump on the first man I see. I havent thought of chris in that way and I have been thinking about him in that way. again because I think I am lonely. The say when you are craving something from someone, you arent lovng yourself enough, which I think is true. I havent given myself the love I need in the past week. I think its because I am feeling sick and also down about this whole grad school thing. I really dont think im good enough to get in but am I being realistic or too negative about it. Im unsure. I just want to get in. REALLLYY BAD. I dont know what im going to do if I dont. im scared. 

the whole time I was writing this gaeron was popping in and out of me head. I dont understand why you are oming back into my life. I miss you. I want to learn who you are agin. I was to reintroduce myself. I miss you. Im confused by you. Im unsure what you are getting out of the blank snaps back and forth. I miss you. I want to know what you feel like again. It bother me that I cant remember what our first time was like and how awkward we mafe it. I want to be back in the car with you and tell you how I felt in that moment. I hate that my anxiety got in the way. it always does. I hate how I cant controll it. I hate that. I hate it. I would have kissed you longer. I wouldd have left you hold me longer. I woulid have painted a better memory in my head. I hated that you left me tho and came back with an “I love you: months later. I dont think I deserved that. I dont think you deserve to stay with her just because you dont want to try again wiith someone else. I mean that what I was scared abiuht as well but I am here and im survuvng without that relationship. I want to know what your motive is. I hate that you did nt want to be really with me in the beginning. I hate how our timing never worked out. I just dont know. I hate how our converstation are so ... short and awkard. I feel like sometimes we care way more than we should and other its a “fuck you I dont feel like responding” attiutude. 

I want to get shit faced again. with all my friendsand have no control. I want to fall in the arms of someone and take me home. I want drunk sex. I awant to be up against a wall. I want to be pushed around. I want heat. I want depth. I want breakfast and coffee in the morning in bed. I want oversized shirts and hoodies. I want barefeet on cold floor. I want arms around my waist with head on my neck kisses paying for the breakfast I am making. I want dancing and laughing. I was pure in the moment. 

I cant tell if I crave a relationship becaise im lonely. I cant tell if im ready, I want to be ready, for the right person. I am flattered with random guys messaging me but I want the one. as does everyone else. I want the one and only. 

[write-a-good-one]

ideal boyfriend: loves to travel, adventurous and exploring, giving, expressive, passionate, creative, good communication, thoughtful, loves coffee in bed and cooking breakfast together, likes to be active, brings out the best in each other, good work ethic, smart, funny and sarcastic, likes to have a good time but also does mind staying in, has a strong friend group and can live their life outside of the relationship, have honesty, driven, understanding...

I really need to be all of these things to love myself! 

[write-a-good-one]

I think it is crazy to look back on old loves. Scrolling through this tumblr page and looking at photos, I can remember the memory (sorta) but not how I felt in the moment. Sleeping and drunk sex in the back of a car parked in the woods was so reckless, but I remember being so connected with jordan. it gave us a chance to spend alone time together away from everything. Its crazy to think that I felt so secure and warm but looking back at the photo, I cant feel how it felt then. Our skin touching, the warmth, love and security. I cant feel that today. I know I have put up a wall and it needs to be broken down. I have this dream that someone will come with a hammer and do it for me but im realizing I have to do it myself. I have to stop expecting people to come save me. I built the wall and I have to break it down. I need to start chipping away at it. 

1. I am not a perfect person and that is okay. 

2. I have faults and I need to own up to them and quit trying to blame others.

3. I am allowed to be emotional and talk about my feelings.

4. My past trauma is not todays trauma and that does not make me emotional damaged. When anxiety from it pops up, I need to talk about it and not shut down. 

5. loving myself is a progression. happiness is a progression. all emotions are a progression. I need to feel it all. 

[write-a-good-one]

I truly believe everything happens for a reason. The break up was needed to focus on my grad studies and to get a part time job to pay for it. I think the relationship was needed to show that someone could love me when I felt unlovable. I think it also showed all the things I dont want in a partner and that I need to look at red flags more. I think that I gave me strength that I can get through anything. I can pick myself back up and find myself. I need to realize that it is a work in progress and I am not going to be over the relationship in less than 2 months. I know it will be up and down but I am proud of myself for coming this far. I think I am ready to see new opportunities and the changes that will come my way. I am excited for the future and what it has to offer. 

I want to try to be more in touch with my emotions and let them happens. I do not want to bottle them up anymore. I plan on talking them out. Its a continuous progression of self reflection and I am going to work on it. I know I am going to have hard days that will test me but I know I will have more better days to follow!  

[write-a-good-one]

Clear your mind here

[write-a-good-one]

I am struggling. I feel this need to give love because it is bottled up inside. I feel like I have no purpose which sucks. Im just sitting around trying to find something to do other sit in bed. I’m feel lonely. I am struggling with me eating. I have gotten really thin which makes me insecure which in turn doesnt make me like myself. I lost my appetite. I know I should be eating but I just cant. I know I should put all the love I have to give into myself but I dont know how. I know that I should get help but I dont know where to start. I want to ask you if therapy helped you but I dont know if talking to you will help me. I dont know if I am over you or the idea of you or being in a relationship. Im really confused with myself and cant figure out what I want. I dont know what is right for me. I am hoping with this part time job that I can uplift myself alittle.