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[writerinsonora]

A few days later with some axiety as company, I am here!

What silly shit should I do? More bitching about my teenage years?

Why not

[writerinsonora]

July, 24, 2022

I'm going to put a stop to the reminiscing for now. Thank you for your attention.

Sorry about the cringe.

[writerinsonora]

Aug, 21, 2004 pt 2

I am starting to wonder.....is this thing even read anymore? I DO like the comments people....

Anyway, I heard from Hair of Wonder that Jackass called her cell phone...hah....thats great...I'm getting the hell I expected from the letter I sent...how..........USUAL....*sigh*..he's gonna make me feel like shit about it...but hopefully my friends can guide me in the right direction...IDK...it seems like they're dead to this journal....I hardly ever see an update anymore...let alone comments in mine....Is it just because I need this so much? Oh well...Scales is over at my place now...she's still working on her drawing from before(WHICH IS COMING ALONG NICELY) and I have to start cleaning my house soon....ugh....

I also think I'm not going to be the one to initiate conversation anymore..I worried Claws over a usual behavior of mine....and....yeah, I think you get the picture when you worry someone then they find out that there was nothing to worry over...blah blah blah......IDK if I can expect anymore conversations though if I go by that....

Anyway........800............800 fucking e-mails in Hair of Wonder's e-mail account........thats just for a fucking month......the most I'VE ever had is 102 maybe! ahh! ALL OF THAT JUNK! HOLY HELL!!!!!

*sigh*......anyway...I'm flipflopping....again....I told Scales about how everytime I started praying regularly to the Gaian Goddesses...I was always filled with fear and dropped it.....Scales explained it too me.....It was Shadow trying to do just that.....but thanks to this guide that I have for Gaian...maybe I can get it right.....somewhat...IDK.....I'll try again.....and flip flop again once a little darkness scares me out of nowhere.....*shakes head*

[writerinsonora]

Aug. 21, 2004

Well yes....I missed a day..SCALES KIDNAPPED MEEEEEEEEEE! *sigh* Friday was.........allright...I got called into the guidance councelors office because I didn't do very well in my Algebra 1-2 class and now I have to drop PE for a stupid lab..*growl* oh well.......I can always take PE again...I suppose...

Anyway..Now that its Saturday.....America's Most Wanted is on tonight at 8pm on Fox10....and later on is a brand new episode of InuYasha...on another note though..I'm still over at Scale's house, I finally finished a Kouga picture that I've been working on for about 3-6 months...and his head was smaller than his body so..............basically I erased months of work and redid the entire image in about 3 hours..course I enlarged the image...*sigh* all that time wasted previously...Right now Scales is telling me a story about how she was flying through Alberquerque........if anyone can help me spell that........PLEASE HELP! But yes....her coat of arms for one class is SO FUCKING AWSOME!!! AHHH! *faint*.......

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bye bye!

-Phoenix_Wolf-

[writerinsonora]

Aug. 19. 2004

Well, its the fourth day. I'm over at Claws' house for the usual Thursday. Chef of Wonder is doing something weird in the kitchen.......it sounds like she's grinding ice in a blender. Anyway, Claws said that we're eating fish tonight...YUM YUM YUM YUM! Especially when its made by Chef of Wonder. School is going allright, I'm getting all of my homework in so far....I just hope I can keep this positive attitude up for the rest of the year. Claws said that she is going to get a teacher change from the only class we have together (NO..lunch does't count)...*sigh* oh well....I still have four classes with Ed...so not all is lost...I have her to refer to if I need some help. Scales and Claws seem to have patched everything up. They're sharing one mind again. Its just like it used to be. Even if they give eachother a look...they laugh...they know exactly what the other is thinking...Though..I don't understand why Dances with Bricks...Anime Knowledge..and everyone else from the Freshmen group...seems to have followed where we moved to...If this keeps up....we're going to have to move again...and cause another fight.... Claws says its because Scales hasn't chased Dances with Bricks away yet...he's a good friend.....its just the three of us......thats it...the three of us want to be alone...I don't understand..but I know what I do want...What I do want is just me...Claws....and Scales...for our last year as a trio....I just want it to be us..I don't want to catch any more shit from last year.....or something like it to be repeated...I just want it to be peaceful...like these four days have been.... Anime Knowledge...Dances with Bricks...Love Boy....Card Maniac...I love you all.............JUST BACK OFF!!!!!!!

[writerinsonora]

Aug, 17. 2004

Bored...

Well, I finally finished my math and english homework. Oddly enough, I enjoyed my english homework....all I had to do was make a collage of things about ME. Yes there is an anime pic on it...but you'll have to comment on this entry before I tell you. To those of you whom know me...I believe you already know...comment and let me know your guess. I hope I can keep up with my homework this year.....infact....I'm dead set to do so.....Yeah...thats what I say now....ugh...I'm not ready for this....*growl*

Anyway...I'm currently trying to figure out plot points for my story and an RP with Claws....neither one is going the way I want....I just can't think. IDK why...

But I'm going to finish decorating my room with pictures..sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

BYE!

[writerinsonora]

Aug. 17, 2004

Get used to the numbers for a while...I intend to count the days this year...even if it drives you all nuts....BITE ME.

Anyway...my teachers don't seem all that bad for the 2nd go around....I still want a Biology teacher change though. No thanks to the quantity of Freshman....we can't do that anymore. Fuck it...I WANT a different teacher. The one I have now is nice....but....thats all she seems to be.....is....nice......For once I want a cool science teacher. Sure Ritter and Barczak were freaking awsome......but...HELLO! That was Middle school....all I've had this year is Mr Matkin (boring AS hell) and Mrs Mireau (very nice..but no)....All I wanted was Mr Kras....I would've been happy...but nope.....they gotta screw around with me....

I don't ask for much......so I'm told...but...all I wanted was ONE teacher........JUST ONE......nooooooope.....didn't get him....so....I thought...lets try this female science teacher out whom used to go to SMHS..she can't be that bad...2 days......I WANT OUT! NOW! ARGHHHHH! DAMN THOSE FRESHMAN! THERE ARE OTHER HIGH-SCHOOLS IN THE P.V. DISTRICT!!

growl* grumble*

~leaves to finish english homework~

-Phoenix_Wolf-

P.S.......my other teachers are....eh

[writerinsonora]

Aug, 16, 2004

OMFG....I don't want to go back after today. School I mean. Ugh...I don't like most of my teachers so I have to pay my counselor a...um...rather long visit. *sigh* 1st hour is fine...I have Claws in the class with me as well as Ed(I don't remember 2022). I'm going to switch my 2nd hour PE class to 7th so that way I can wear my PE uniform home. In ROTC I can do that on Mondays...so yeah....thats pretty much the only reason why I want that class hour changed....because I'm weak. 3rd hour....I'm changing my teacher...I do not like female science teachers....idk why....I just think males teach it better...4th hour is ok....World History and Geology...that teacher is great. (I think all I like is male teachers...hmm) 5th hour is lunch...YEA-HAAAAA!.... << >> Hair of Wonder is getting to me.....someone help me......

but 6th hour is AFJROTC...so...yeah....that class is just fine...the only hour I can take the class and then its English....can you say....DIFFERENT TEACHER?! idk....I might change her....ugh....I can't stay in her class if she's going to throw me up in the spotlight like that again...I might keep her though. So in all my complaining....I want PE moved to 7th...which would give me English 2nd...I want a different Biology teacher...i believe that is it.....hmmm........oh yeah...something more.....

I'm not carrying those god-damn books around anymore....I've never BEEN in so much pain....Scales got mad at me for using her "Senor Chile Pepe" bag for two of my books..... >> << yeah...NOT going to happen again....but today was good for one thing..I got to meet up with Hiyana...she's one of the best...she said she wasn't going to go to SMHS .....LIAR!Other than meeting up with Claws, Scales, and Ed to find our classes before school....I can't think of any other signifigant find for the first day of hell.....I did make a new friend in PE..but....... << >> ...........I can't remember her name..........oh well....I'll see her tomorrow...

-Phoenix_Wolf-

[writerinsonora]

Aug, 15, 2004 pt 2

I can't say I'm going to go with Gaian....its just too much....I'm too weak. Gaian scares the hell outta me...everytime I get closer to it..start praying on a regular basis...I get this horrible feeling at night that something will get me...kill me even...its just to much for me.....Christianity offers me extreme comfort. So I start to wonder.....which religion is the right one....either way...I asked God last night...or anyone who was litsening to my petty plea...to help me...to tell me which religion I needed to go to...which one was the right one....

I did dream...I dremt two characters from Fushigi Yuugi were in my place. Miaka and Tamahome...the dream didn't help me at all...I think it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I had such intense emotion along with I just finished the Eidoken series before I went to bed. I can't say I remember the dream...but I know when I woke up...it didn't really help my issue..but it did offer me comfort. So, I'm taking the comfort and staying with Christianity. Its the easy way...but...I can't handle fear like what I had....I can't do it...I'll become a nervous, depressed wreck.

I did try to compare some things in Christianity to Gaian so I could be both....a few of them were that, God was God (void, cosmos) same place that he's always had. Mother Gaia was Mary...the Virgin Mary.... that Shadow was Lucifer..or the Devil (yeah I screwed his name over..bite me) I didn't try with Luna or Solaris...I was too freaked to...I was also trying to ask for forgiveness from Father while doing all of this. So the thought process didn't work that well...I was also thinking about something Scales said....something about the Four Goddesses being left out of the Bible because we constantly have to dumb it out for the people of the world. I understood it at first..but then I started to pick at it. Why leave such a huge peice out? If putting them in was too complicated...why did they leave God in? Why didn't they just express the need to follow the 10 commandments, and just leave it at that?Leave Jesus, Mary, Mark, John...everyone of them out.... I don't understand it....There's just too many things that I don't understand about Gaian. I was stupid to try it...

If someone of higher place than anyone on Earth....let it be a god or goddess....but if someone can help me in the right direction...let it be petty signs in life..or in confusing dreams...I'd be just fine with that...I need guidance. Then maybe when I get that solved....maybe I can change into a better person...maybe I can help Claws so she's not so dependant on Scales...so neither of them become so depressed...I think my dreams are too high of my current matter...but you never know. Maybe figuring out my issue and really sticking with it...maybe I could offer comfort....maybe I could actually DO something to keep Claws from looking at her mother's prescription drugs....but....as I said...I'm just going to stay with Chrisianity until then...I pledged my life to God and Jesus...I said that I knew Jesus was my lord and savior...I really believed it....I still do...I'm not going to let Gaian into my life until...like I said...someone of higher place then anyone on earth can alter that...

[writerinsonora]

July, 24, 2022

Can I just say, reading my old posts on Livejournal, that I had evidence of being an abused kid?

[writerinsonora]

Aug. 15, 2004

Terriffic....I read Claws' journal last night...I had to wait a day before I could post anything about how I felt about it. Had to let it all sink in....I never realized how close she came....how close I came to loosing her...how close the world came to loosing such a wonderful person. It took alot NOT to cry when I read her entry....

Claws...she makes it sound like the world is going to end once Scales leaves. Like she'll never see or hear from her again. I can't blame her for thinking like that...We're in Arizona while...while Scales is going to Oklahoma. I understand how Claws feels but....its not the end of the world. Sclaes will come back...Scales will keep in contact with us....even if she does have a boyfriend right now..Knight isn't her ENITRE world....we have a piece of it...a piece that Scales wouldn't throw away.

Sure, school will be hard without her...but she's only a phone call....an e-mail...a letter...or an IM away....(yes the post office is still in motion people)

Once Scales does leave though.....I do wonder if Claws will just pull away from me....still chat with me...but when she needs someone...I won't be the first person she turns to. I can't do anything to help except offer my embrace and say "It's going to be alright" or something close to that.....I can't do anything more. And if we have an argument of anykind...I have hope that it will be resolved...Claws isn't the type to let something sit....she attacks and fixes the problem.

But she's convinced that we'll fall apart....I thought she knew that friendship was stronger than that...

Friendship is stronger than distance...Love is thicker than Blood...Scales won't forget us....she cares for us too much. As we all care for eachother. Claws is terrified at Scales leaving...I can't make it any better...I'm too used to it...my friends leaving...I don't know how much experience Claws has had with it....all I can do is hope that she reads this and understands that Scales won't leave us....she'll always be with us. We met her....she's not just gonna leave us people....its going to take more than distance to do that. I've had a separation from Fairy for four years, and we're still the best of friends....I'm more than confident that Scales will be no different....We won't loose her, the love we all have for eachother will not be lost Claws....stop worrying so much...Scales is always at our side! She always will be!

-Phoenix_Wolf-

[writerinsonora]

Aug. 14. 2004

Gods....such a writing spree lately....*shakes head* I think this one is mainly going to be about how I want to be better friends with Knight. I can't say....I'm so jumbled right now....nor can I SLEEP! I'm talking with Dances with Bricks on msn and yeah...interesting...he's telling me all about these swords he has(they are pretty cool). And all the while....I try to think on this very entry by reading my previous ones......WTF is wrong with me?

Anyway (no more neway!! yay!!) I do want to be better friends with Knight. But again, I'm letting my fear step in. He's older, he's better friends with Claws and Scales then I probably ever will be with him, and...I'm the kind of person who craves and loves friends. No matter how annoying they are. I guess I just might be trying to fill the 6year viod in Elementary school. As I said before....I don't know why I feel these things...I just know that I want the feelings accomplished.

Normal me...letting fear get in the way...I can't accomplish this....so I figure....rant about it a bit...maybe someone will read and try to help me out a bit. IDK. Knight seems like a really good friend..and I just want in on the good stuff....but I know I have to work for the good stuff....I just don't know how to work for this particular bit....I know talking is mainly the way...but as I've said....I don't know how to talk to him.....kinda like I do with every person I meet...(not counting Dances with Bricks, Fairy, Claws or Sclaes...they break the shy side easily)

Well...I'll probably end up writing in this thing again later on tonight.....this morning....if another thought crosses my mind....or around 3pm when I have to clean and am getting pissy.......*sigh*

-Phoenix_Wolf-

[writerinsonora]

Aug. 14th, 2004

A thought about Christianity and Gaian crossed my mind. Every other religion out there has its rules about how you have to follow the gods or goddesses stated in their book or you will face a certain penalty. In mine..you have to follow the one and only Father, or you risk going to Hell. Now Gaian,....I know nothing about this except that there are four Goddesses and one god. (this i am assuming is the one i pledged my life to)

I know that Mother Gaia is the goddess whom provides comfort

Solaris is the one that helps all things grow

Luna is the one that guides all things

and Shadow....she is fear, hate, the darkness..everything that the human heart doesn't want to have..but has it anyway.

Then there is the God I have always known (scales likes to call him Cosmos)

Thats when I started to think...I can still believe in God...and the Four Goddesses...I can combine my beliefs in Christianity and newfound ones of Gaian. I thought again..No I can't. I'm breaking one of the 10 commandments by trying to combine Christianity and Gaian. And I'm filled with fear. I think that might be why I can't concentrate on praying. may it be for the Christian God or the Gaian Goddesses.

Fear is holding me back. I fear the consequences so much...that...I can't get a grip on either religion. I don't know the smart thing to do. The easiest thing to me seems to just go back to my Christian ways...and forget about Gaian. But Gaian interests me so much! I want to learn more about it! I want to learn about the Goddesses...and this tournament that is currently going on...and the upcoming war. I don't want the easy way..I want something I can learn more about....have an active part in.

But.....my fear won't let me......I don't know how to change it....I don't know how to let go of my fear.....Scales.....she did it...course...she's had the idea of Gaian for much longer than I have. So has Knight. Does it just take a while to get used to? I don't know...if either of them even bother to read these anymore....I want some help...advice maybe.....I want to let go of Christianity so I can learn.....

[writerinsonora]

Aug, 13th 2004

Heeeeeeeeeee-ay. Well, today was different..to a point.

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I spent the night at Claws' house last night for Smackdown. We woke up around 7am, which is VERY good for me. I have to be up around 6:30 am for my dumb school which starts only next Monday...I think we're the last school to start in our state or district..idk.

Anyway, we woke up at 7 and spent the day trying to move the plot along in our RPG. I was extremely short of ideas today. My mother picked me up around 4pm, then we went home. I just hopped on my computer once I could and started RPGing with Claws on msn....no life for me *sob* sob* -don't kill me claws-

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So........we get onto an interesting point....

AND THE FUCKING POWER GOES OUT

Thats extremely annoying, cause once I settled down in my bed, listening to Ayumi Hamasaki...the power just jumps right back on after about 45 minutes or so...(might be less) So right now I'm talking with Claws on msn and Fairy on AIM. I'm happy. =D

But while I was over at Claws' house..I finally sent my Father his well deserved letter. Full of guilt trips about how he's been SO WONDERFUL and full of my rants. All I have to wait for is for him to respond. *shrug* I expect him to call yelling at me..denying each and everything I said....I think I'm ready for it.

-Phoenix_Wolf-

P.S. I'm going to try to keep up with this thing more....if its going to do anything for me.

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#hahaha if only a few days was the difference between depression and neglect.

[writerinsonora]

Aug. 12th, 2004

Today has been interesting. (now i'm picking up off of Knight after reading his journal) Sheeba and I actually worked together on a project. Fixing my room up in the downstairs of our townhome. I have 2 unicorn posters, 1 dragon poster, another printed image from the internet that kinda reminds me of Shadow and Luna (scales you must see!)  and a picture of Jesus Christ in a frame. (Sheeba's idea, not mine, she's the one with style) Any way, on my other wall........

<< >>

Anime Central, I have InuYasha, Princess Monoke, Sailor Moon and some drawings I did myself :D.

But yeah, Claws is pissed with me, can't blame her. She called my house wondering if she could come over and help me and Sheeba out. I said she'd have to wait for my mother to get home from work. That wasn't until around five..then we ate..and unexpectidly....my grandfather took us out to Mervyn's for new school clothes. I got.....a rather interesting bit...I'm told I look good in it...so....I'll just go with the flow.

But neway (scales i'll kill you) a little thing has been bothering me, nothing serious but....something I would like to get rid of. Knight. I want to become a bonified friend with him...someone I can just talk to like I can with Fairy, Scales, Claws....(you get the idea) *sigh* I just don't know how to approach him I guess. I mean, yeah we talk....mostly about Scales or if I have any questions about Gaian. IDK. Perhaps if anyone cares to read this they can help.....

<<

>>

w/e

-Phoenix_Wolf-

[writerinsonora]

I was trying to be more spiritual/religious.

Well its about 2:30...I tried to pray to Luna around 1:40 I think...*shrug* anyway, when doing so, I saw a match that was lit. I opened my eyes and tried it again, I saw the same thing. And again.

So I decided to look at my assortment of five candles...all of the flames were pointing to the water that was currently at my left.

And I noted that the center candle was the dimmest and the lower right candle was the brightest, the upper left candle was the 2nd dimmest and the other two were about the same. So I thought the middle was Shadow...bottom right was Solaris...top left was Luna..and the other two were Cosmos(god) -i have to pick one- and Mother. This is my assumption, or maybe i'm just reading to much into it.

Neway (going to kill Scales for that) i turned myself to the water and tried to pray...i saw a tiny flame in the bottom corner of my eye then it suddenly went out. I opened my eyes and looked at the candles...the candle that I had named for Shadow(the center) was completely out.

Yeah..I think I should try Solaris tomorrow....I think I was given rather....flat hints to do that...with all of the fire that i saw. but with the still lit insence, I started to make markings in the paper towel while it was red-hot. I'm going to have Scales look at it as soon as I can, hopefully I can drop by her place tomorrow....thats if she isn't to depressed because Knight isn't on....*gag*

[writerinsonora]

August 10, 2004

Scales has a badminton examination today, I hope she passes. Claws has a job in the palm of her hand.

Things seem to be going pretty well lately. Nothing bad has really happend, course..school is only a week away *sigh* I want to go....but I really don't. School isn't the most uplifting place in the world. No thanks to those god damn preppies.

I wish I could understand Knight and Scales. If I had any experience in the relationship area, I probably would...at least more than I do now. So that way I wouldn't feel so..........UGH! Out of place....

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Anyway...I'm going to kill my printer and VCR. Tried to record Cowboy Beebop: The Movie...but unknown to me....the VCR wasn't on the right channel....ARGH!!!!! I even stayed up a few hours longer than I should have for that!!

Ah well....I just got some Ocean Breeze insence and matches..so I'm going to try to pray to the goddesses later today or tomorrow...if only I could learn how to concentrate...

-Phoenix_Wolf-