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She Used to be Mine

When I first heard the song “She Used to be Mine” by Sara Bareilles, I thought she was singing the story of my life (minus the pregnancy). I cried to it. I thought about the words as I fell asleep. I had it on repeat for the whole week. I thought she was singing what I could never put into words.

But then I looked at my mum. And I started paying attention to how much more the song related to her. And I started noticing how small and fragile she had gotten over the years. The little things she does, like pushing a plate of food closer to my side so I would eat more. How I would get annoyed by that very action because I took it as her “baby-ing” me. And I saw how her decisions were always swayed by her daughters’ preferences, to the point where she no longer knows how to make her own decisions without worrying if we would judge her for it. And I see her justifying her every action, something small like having a snack, when it never bothered us in the first place.

I used to get annoyed by that. I probably still will. I don’t like seeing my mum become a mirror, reflecting what others want to see. Or just a wall that bounces off other people’s opinions. Taken for granted. Obligated to smile even she doesn’t feel like it. The definition of a “people-pleaser”. 

I’ve never talked to her about anything personal. I’m ashamed to say I don’t know much about my mum even after 19 years. I know she had dreams that were never realized due to her circumstances at the time. I know she used to be fierce and that she used to scare the shit out of me. But now I see how vulnerable she really is. And I see now that it was because of this that she used to have (what I thought were) random mental breakdowns in the past. It was always there, and she had been taking it on alone. 

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I’ve become such a weak person. I know I can only start being assertive if I first keep my emotions in check. It’s strange, I feel nothing but at the same time, everything just seems like it’s too much for me to handle. Idk what this is but it’s distracting. Maybe it might help if I listen to happier songs

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What the hell am I feeling right now

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Can people stop with the sly looks after passing off a passive aggressive remark? The point of being passive aggressive is to make the other party feel guilty, not to make them want to punch your face in.

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Can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t felt like this for years, and with no clear reason. Each day seems to get harder for me to cope with, and I don’t know why. It’s the same uneventful life, but why does everything feel so different all of a sudden? I’ll just use this time to study I guess

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I’m finding it hard to focus. Lots of things on my mind, but I still can’t figure out what’s really bothering me. I’m hoping that as I write, I’ll be able to figure it out and get it out of my system (and out of my life because it’s more obstructive than I realized)

I have a long history of people treating me as though I’m their property. Like a dog, I would say? They always talk to me in a certain tone of voice, like a teacher talks to a 4-year-old child. I guess that was one of the things that triggered my last post. I don’t know. It’s dehumanizing and condescending to say the least. They also seem to treat me as a friend only when it’s convenient for them. The icing on the cake was whenever they pressured me into doing something I was obviously uncomfortable with, and whenever I refused to do it, they would imply that I was being a burden.  I shall not go too deep into the examples, as I don’t want to hurt their feelings if they happen to find this.

 Perhaps I looked fickle-minded due to the fact that I was willing to compromise. Maybe I was really at fault for not standing up for myself. I wish I did. I definitely will in the future.

I don’t trust people easily. Not even my family or my closest friends. I admit that I’m overly cautious, maybe paranoid that they only hang around because they want something in return. And the moment I run out of whatever it is they want, they’ll just leave. I don’t know when it started, but being abandoned has always been my biggest fear since I was a child. I used to have recurring nightmares about being left alone in the house, and it terrified me more than Ju-on, which is PRETTY high up the list.

I thought to myself, since so many other people are so business-minded, I should just build myself a network of business-relationships. Let all my relationships be give-and-take relationships, that way I can benefit too. That’s how our ancestors survived, after-all. It was probably my fault that my expectations were too high in the first place. Still, it’s sad. I would much prefer being alone than being stuck in a relationship based solely on mutual benefit. Yet, being alone scares me. To be specific, being alone, alone, scares me. 

I grew up with the belief that everybody was out to get me. I believed that friendships were meant to be temporary. I realized early on that I would have nothing and noone without my dad. I’m sure many others feel the same. Needless to say, while I told myself to be hopeful, I was always a pessimist. A hopeful pessimist? Sounds a little oxymoronic, but I guess that’s us humans in a nutshell.

I’m surprised that there are actually people out there who think I’m always happy. I personally feel like I’m barely coping. I feel like a fraud because I always tell people to give others the benefit of the doubt, when I myself have no faith in people. Once again, I’m hopeful, but pessimistic. 

It’s tiring. I tell myself that it’s better if I just be myself. But what if this...dissociated identity has become who I am now? Have I lied to myself for so long that I can no longer tell the difference? It would be so much easier if I could just pick a side. Just be happy. Or just be sad. But I’m just a sad person who’s desperate to prove that they can be happy. 

If my relatives read this, they will probably say I’m an ungrateful child. I would agree. I don’t have to worry about my survival. I have time to think about stupid things. Just freaking be happy. Which then makes me wonder.  Must happiness always be based on something meaningful? Is happiness still happiness if it’s centered around material things? They both evoke the same emotion, it’s just that one lasts longer than the other, so what is the point of labeling one ‘true’ and the other not? You could say that the quality makes the real difference, but what then determines the quality of happiness?

Maybe I’m too pessimistic. Or maybe I’m too hopeful.

I’m being stupid again. Till next time.

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Iz ya girl back at it again with a depressing post. What’s good. I guess self-reflections on Fridays have just become a thing for me.

These days I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror. I just can’t face myself. I’m too disappointed in what I see. Not my appearance, but who I am and how I exist.  When I look at my reflection, when I even think about it, it screams, “FRAUD”. “CHILD”. 

Fake it till you make it, as we always say. I feigned confidence while being completely clueless about what I’m doing. It helps nobody.

I feel like I haven’t changed at all, and it frustrates me. There is only one thing I want more than anything, and that is to mature. It’s stupid because it’s something that’s supposed to happen naturally. Yet, why does it seem like it’s so hard for me to do? I’m pulling at my hair every day thinking about how immature I am, and how deluded I must be to believe, even for a second, that it’s ever okay to be ignorant. That it’s acceptable to remain a child forever.

I’m tired of my pride, my arrogance, and my deception. And most importantly, I’m tired of thinking about these things as often as I do. Do I not realize that I’m lucky to even have the time to be this self-absorbed? God is calling me to love others, but I’m too busy feeling bad about myself. As if it has ever mattered in the grand scheme of things.

Self-pitying takes up too much brain space. It’s tiring. It’s unnecessary. I want it to stop.

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My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.

Jillian Medoff, Hunger Point (via books-n-quotes)

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what if rosin came in a liquid-y form and you could put it in a bottle and spray it onto your bow

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“Why did you choose dentistry?” 

A question so commonly asked, yet every time, I’m still stumped on how to answer it.

Thing is, my decision to choose dentistry was like one of those epiphany moments that came out of nowhere. People around me started poking me, saying, “You know, dentistry isn’t a bad choice”...and I decided to give it a shot because I was curious. I don’t get disgusted by people’s mouths, I like staring at people’s teeth, why not? I literally called my dad saying “Dad, you know how I’ve spent 13 years of my life dreaming of becoming a doctor? Mm, I’ve decided I want to be a dentist now.” 

Of course, telling people that I chose to go through this 5-year course (OF PAIN) purely on impulse is a bit... hehe embarrassing. 

So, when I had to deal with uni interviewers all asking me this very same question (’Why did you choose dentistry :)’), I was like, ‘idk, but i guess i’ll find out’.

Nah jk, I talked about my manual dexterity and my love of being in confined spaces and the good work-life balance and the independence...all that juicy stuff they wanna hear.

I mean, I knew nothing about dentistry except the 5 different types of teeth I forced myself to memorize, so I would always be tempted to tell them, “well, teach me and I’ll be able to tell you”. 

I was so stoked when I had my first lab session. It wasn’t anything big, just drilling a perspex block. But when I got my hands on that handpiece, I thought, “Oh God...I am a hazard to humanity”. I never knew a tiny piece of metal could look so intimidating. Even so, I always get excited holding any handpiece because it means I get to DRILLLL. Don’t worry people, nowadays it’s all about conservative dentistry. That said, drilling is super fun. With the right posture. Otherwise it’s a literal pain in the neck (and the back and the booty).

I love labs, no joke (I also actually enjoy doing amalgam restorations despite constantly whining about it). Of course, labs are so different from clinics. Clinical sessions are when reality hits the hardest, because this time, you get to really see how well you apply your knowledge, how professional you are, how you treat real living breathing human patients (have I also mentioned, they feel pain...because they are humans...), how you interact with staff members and colleagues. It’s as close as you can get to simulating what it would be like to work as a full-fledged dentist. It shows you the difference between a dentist and a person who just follows instructions. It showed ME that I have a long way to go.

I want to be a dentist who is professional, calm and collected. I’m already seeing these traits in my batchmates, and I’m honestly disappointed that I haven’t reached that level yet. There’s so much I need to read up on, observe, learn, and understand. Sometimes it feels like I’m getting nowhere. I’m looking at this ever-growing list of reading material and recommended textbooks, and I’m wondering if I’m falling behind because I lack passion. Possibly. But since I’ve developed a kind of...fondness towards dentistry in a surprisingly short amount of time, it’s not unreasonable to think this is something that could continue to grow over time. 

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With that said medical sciences will always feel like a pain in the butt i’m sorry. isn’t the world glad i decided not to be a doctor

but future patients don’t worry, i will study hard now so you’ll be in safe hands

so come to mama please don’t run away

thank you in advance

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R.I.P Chester Bennington

I’m still in shock about what happened. Your voice and your music made tough times a little bit more bearable. Thank you Chester. You will be missed.

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For the month of July, Day6 released their new monthly mv track “Hi Hello.”                       Lyric english translation below.

Keep reading

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Friday Falalalas #1

I’m trying to improve my syntax so I now declare every (occasional) Friday a ‘Friday Falalala”. What is a falalala, you might wonder. Nothing. It means nothing. And that’s exactly what this post is gonna be. Please fall-a-la-la away if it’s not your cup of tea.

(just kidding, love you)

FIRST FALALA: 8am lectures

In the past, I always enjoyed waking up early. My “golden time” had always been 4 a.m. because that’s the time when everyone is asleep so I get to do anything I want ;) like...sit in bed contemplating my life decisions (one of them being me waking up at ungodly hours of the day for the sole purpose of doing nothing). 

But OooOh how things have CHANGED my friend.

Around 6 months ago, when I was a youngster, people would say “Ugh 8am classes”, and I would just pretend to agree with them (because social conformity), but I finally get it guys. 

8 a.m. is the time when everything in your body just feels tight. Neck, back, eyes (especially the eyes :( ). It’s also the time when you don’t really feel like eating a lot, so you can’t depend on food to make you happy. The sun is up, which isn’t so bad, but since you’re still half-asleep, it’s like a flashlight constantly being pointed at you.

So 8am lectures. You’re not that bad, but the effort it takes for me to get to you makes me sad. Go back to your room.

Oh gosh, somewhere in the world, someone is enduring harsh living conditions just to get basic education and here I am complaining about..this.

Second falala: gratitude 

I’m feeling a bit guilty from complaining, so I feel the need to write a bit more seriously. (I now understand why all of my blogs are filled with so much emo content...)

Honestly, I am in no position to complain. I can’t even begin to imagine how much effort my parents had to put into raising me. To complain about anything feels like I’m completely disregarding all of the efforts made to ensure that I could be here, writing this post in a comfortable environment, with more than enough food to eat, and enough resources to do SOMETHING. It also feels like I’d be taking this life for granted, knowing full-well that there are millions of people who would have lived my life better than I have if they could. 

One thing that disappoints me about myself is that I take important things for granted, but get caught up in petty things that don’t matter (ironically what I’m doing right now). These stupid things only serve to feed my “I’m a little girl so I’m allowed to know nothing” mentality, which is wrong. You can never fully depend on anything as temporary and fleeting as age is. We’re all getting older by the second, and unless we take the responsibility to invest in what we truly find valuable, we’ll get stuck in the past. That’s where all the “back then” statements come from. “Back then, I used to be the top of my class”, “back then, I used to give away half my earnings to charity”, “back then, I used to love waking up early”, “back then, my family and I used to get along”. If you find yourself using “back then’s”, chances are, it’s because you lost something you used to cherish. Time went on without you and now the only thing linking you to the things you hold dear are memories. But even memories don’t last forever.

Be grateful, but not complacent. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt this year, it is that being uncomfortable is a good thing (um, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t true in all situations. eg. if someone with a knife is running towards you and you get uncomfortable, it isn’t a good thing. Run.) (then again, you’d only run BECAUSE you feel uncomfortable so I guess it is a good thing afterall?) People are able to grow when uncomfortable circumstances become comfortable. So acknowledge what you have, be thankful for it, and use it to grow as a person.

Lol, went from 0 to 100 real quick.

Abrupt end. Bye!

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Truce

Staring me down with contempt

Her ever-growing saffron smirk

Acted as a reminder 

That she will always find me

Even when I don’t want to be found.

The air of arrogance that surrounded her

Thick as a factory cloud

Manifested itself as an invitation,

A justification for her misdeeds

Giving way to a mutual agreement

Whereby she reserved the right to continue her assaults

And I, the right to point the finger.

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Inspired my love-hate relationship with the sun and other bright objects alike.