writingcasualties-blog

[writingcasualties-blog]

Walk home

I see dead Monarch butterflies in the street beside an ocean of grass

The wires above hum, but to me they scream

And the weeds grow and flourish in the spring until they cannot anymore

The faraway hills are so close to me, covered in green and orange

Where Flowers feel smothered, crushed, and suffocated

Damaged lizards bathe on the sundrenched sidewalk and scurry as I get close.

I walk through a forest of healthy adolescent trees within an industrial city and today is a beautiful day.

[writingcasualties-blog]

Yesterday

Waking up to yelling is a bit annoying. When there is continued yelling after you've done nothing wrong That's something that I hate, its one of the only things that i can't stand. My father drive me to school. During the end of the first break at school, I went into my second period class and hung out with C. She's one of the only things that I look forward to in school. Later on in the day, it was 5th period and I was dozing off and in that middle place between sleep and consciousness was where I stayed. In times like that When my mind is free to imagine anything it wants. I live in that state of consciousness often, because its always been good to me and helped me out with life and or creativity. This specific time I started to think about a girl that I love with my whole heart and soul, even though she has ripped my heart out of my chest chewed it up spit it into one of her hoes mouths and then they shit it out and shoved it back into my chest cavity, I still would do anything and everything to make her mine. The horrible things she has done to me are outweighed by the love and comfortability that I have. One day I will explain the our history. Anyways, I was thinking about how She's in love with a rich 21 year old man from Santa Monica, how am I supposed to compete with this man that brings joy and pleasure to her life. He bought her a beach house. He bought her designer shoes. He gets her all the concert tickets that she wants. He recently moved to Dallas Texas and she wants to move out there with him. She is 16, honestly I feel like giving up on her but the feelings I have for her are so strong, i've been chasing this girl for years. She told me I was hot the other day. Sadly it doesn't matter because she has mr perfect over there. She has an entire life already waiting for her. So what i'm trying to say is that I was thinking about how this Adonis man with a lot of money is in love with the girl I love. And the fact that she's better off with him is what makes this so crushing. I've realized a long time ago that her and I love each other but she seems to love every other guy more, even when they don't know her. After I stopped being sad and depressing I thought about the time in the movie theatre when I held her and everything felt okay in the world. Or when she took me to the back of the school and kissed me with our bodies against each others I could feel her heartbeat increasing and thought about how special I was for experiencing love at a young age. This girl is my weakness. It hurts to say that I love her and it hurts to say that she's better off with him. She seems so unattainable but I know that she is missing out on the sheer affection I have for her.

[writingcasualties-blog]

The past two days part 2

When I woke up, I made my own breakfast which was 4 egg whites cooked with spinach and garlic and a half of a sweet potato. I got to school on time, got faded in the bathroom before class and chilled all first period which is P.E. and they never actually go outside until 3rd period so just listened to music the whole time. I walked into Mrs. V's classroom with C(the girl with a bf) then E and Z gave me a look like “haha I see you” type of look and I just smiled. Whenever I'm around her I feel like there's  sexual tension, or some type of like kissing or hugging tension, but that could just be me and my retardation getting ahead of myself, while she's just being nice and friendly. E drove me home after school with Z in the car, she seemed upset, sad, mad, or some combination of the 3. As I was getting out of the car E said “bye homie” and she just held out her hand as a goodbye but I touched her hand and said “see you guys later” and then i grabbed her by the top of the head softly and she smiled,(it's an inside joke that we have) I hope that I made her day or at least made a turning point for the rest of her and E's day to be good. I like to think that I'm a positive influence and figure in people's lives, but a man can only dream. I went inside and ate all the sun dried tomatoes, got ready for the gym, then passed out watching t.v. until my sister came home and took me to the gym. I'm not there to look at girls, i'm there to reach my goal and have the body I want, but god damn some of them are fire. I would never make a move or even let them know that I seen them, but it's kinda hard not to see when they are basically squatting in your face so not my fault. I try my best to avoid as much as possible. Then I got home, took a shower, ate a healthy dinner and now here I am writing this. It is 11:44pm goodnight

[writingcasualties-blog]

The past two days part 1

The past two days have been a ride. On monday my friend brought a wax pen to school and I was more than happy to partake. Everyday at school I want to be faded, it's just fun. I do all my work at school so I don't have homework. There's a lot of people that would call themselves my friend at school, but only a few are my actual friends, the others are just people I'm cool with. One of my friends C has a boyfriend but she still is mean to me in a flirty way, and when I respond with the same energy she told me she liked that. One day she said “you're so mean” in a pouty voice then said that it's ok and that she kinda likes guys that are dicks. Honestly that's not the kind of label that I would want to be cast onto me. I call her a nerd and a retard and that's pretty much the only “mean” thing that I do to her, otherwise im helping out with her math homework or just looking at her in awe… Enough about that, after school my friend A let me hit his pen again then another one of my friends E drove me and his girlfriend Z to the Mcdonalds around the corner from my house. I'm faded as fuck at this point but whatever I'm chilling and I wanted a Mc chicken but E forgot. They gave me a couple fries and drove me home but my sister's car was in the driveway and she's a snitch and definitely not the homie,(She always fucks with me asking if im high and whats wrong why am I getting high like bitch I like it so what else you want. Then she says how she doesn't care but wants me to tell our mom that I was high, No, that's bullshit and I'm not gonna do that smh, What a dumb idea.)My eyes were very red so I just walked around my block for awhile just enjoying the california spring weather with a nice wind breeze. As I walked, I saw the foxtail plants and grass blowing in the wind like golden waves and thought about how beautiful life can be sometimes. I kept walking for about two hours and finally went into my house. My sister was not there, just her car was. I watched television in hopes to fall asleep and by the time I would wake up my mom would be home and able to take me to the gym, and I did just that. After killing it at the gym I went home and took a long shower then ate my healthy dinner and went to sleep.

[writingcasualties-blog]

Money day 2

Today was okay. I woke up around 9 and realised that I have an ear infection in my left ear. I took a shower, then went to my grandma's house to mow the lawn. It took about 2 hours to finish the yard and I got 20 dollars. I wasn't expecting to get paid but it was ok with me. I've been trying to save money for the gym membership that i so desperately want. Its going to cost about $400 so I have a long road ahead. Fitness means alot to me and is one of the only things keeping me going these days. I want to be able to see myself in the image of my creator. To see my body at peak physical condition. Through determination and dedication I will succeed. I am my own creator.

[writingcasualties-blog]

Strange love day 1

Today the girl of my dreams passed me by. My mom drove me home from my grandmas house and the girl was walking her brown and white dog down the street past the park. She had caramel brown skin with glasses and the red lipstick that I love so much. Her hair was short and curly but had shine. She was like a california sunset reflecting off the ocean. In a far away place, I could see us together enjoying a walk down venice beach with her dog while holding my hand. We had only passed by her for about a second but I can't stop thinking about this woman. Once I got home, I immediately grabbed my skateboard put some cologne on and out the door I went skating as fast as I could to try to catch her and tell her she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Also I really wanted to ask her if she wanted to grab a coffee tomorrow. I skated down the street with urgency and determination to catch her, but she was gone. And I am devastated. Why am I like this? Last night, a dream of a rose floating in black darkness just out of reach, I can touch it with my fingertips. Right as I get close enough to grasp it i feel the thorns dig into flesh in the palm of my hand, then the rose rots in my hands before my eyes and i am left in the darkness with nothing but pitch black swallowing me whole.