writingengineer

[writingengineer]

I don't even know where to start. I don't even know where to run. I can't find the reason. I can't understand a thing. I am sorry to everyone I have disappointed. I am sorry for being such a failure. I am sorry for dragging you all to this sh*t I am in. I am so sorry. For everything.

[writingengineer]

Heya!

Been a while ey? Anyhow, here I am again, crying, alone. If there is one thing that I confirmed after all this sh*t, it's that I am the one that should be blamed. Not them, but myself. I am stupid. I am selfish. I am insecure. I am worthless. I am nothing. Nobody ever cares for me. Probably if I went missing tomorrow, nobody will ever notice. I am such a loser that deserves all these heartaches.

[writingengineer]

I have been here 3 years ago. And here I am again. Crying for the same reason. The one I love the most just gave up. I can't find any reason to strive. I'm falling apart. 💔

[writingengineer]

It's my 5 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Over the past 5 years, tumblr has been my online diary. Writing my thoughts (especially when I am feeling sad and broken) has helped me a lot. I created this to ease the pain during those times when I feel alone and there is literally no one I can talk to. So, thank you tumblr! 🎉

[writingengineer]

EVERYTHING IS A LIE

I invested in love again. i really thought it was you that I will marry, the man that I will be with for the rest of my life. You made me believe that you'll not hurt me. Those stupid signs made me give my all, again. And now here I am, silently crying in my room. Making the world believe that I am fine, that I am happy. You made me believe in fairy tales again, but you just showed me that you were just a part of my once upon a time, but not my happily ever after. 😭

[writingengineer]

Never Worth The Risk

I thought I found "the one". I thought I had the man God prepared for me. I thought he will end all the pains and prove to me that I am and will always be worth it. Unfortunately, it failed again. And obviously, I am hurt again. Mainly the reason why I am writing again. I invested, again, and got hurt, again. After this, I really don't know if I will ever be ready to give my self to another man, to take the risk, to fall in love. Guess this is my fate, to always be lonely and single and a failure.

[writingengineer]

Confusions

Am I really in love? Or am I just in love with the thought of being in love? I am really confused right now. I have a boyfriend, and I am certain that I want him in my life. I am sure I love him, but is it this love enough? Lately I am having trust issues with my boyfriend and this feels very familiar. I have felt this during those times when my ex-boyfriend and I are on the verge of breaking up. Am I just overthinking again? Or are these my signs that I should give up with him? Why do I always have these kind of problems? Can’t I just be happy? Genuinely happy? Don’t I deserve it? :( 

[writingengineer]

Signs

I have read a book lately, the protagonist wrote down 24 signs that will lead her to the right man, to the one God has prepared for her. She have been hurt with her previous relationships and don’t want to invest in love again, afraid that she might feel the same pain all over again, thus led her to the signs.

I found that lame at the beginning, but I realized that I am at exactly the same situation with her. I have been hurt and is still hurting. And so, I will make my own signs. Signs that will save me from being hurt, again.

Signs:

1. He’s a professional. An engineer perhaps (I am an engineer, too)

2. He knows how to sing and play the guitar (or any instruments)

3. He knows how to drive and owns either a motorbike or a car (don’t judge me, I am not a gold digger, I have my own car)

4. He’ll ask me to dance with him

5. He will give me a sunflower

6. We’ll watch fireworks together at the same time (be it personal or virtual)

7. Doesn’t have a single tattoo and doesn’t smoke (sorry, but not really a fan)

8. He will know me first before asking me on a date

9. He will have the characters I am looking for a man (career driven, family oriented, God centered)

10. He will ask me to go to church with him. :)

[writingengineer]

How to move on?

I have been writing here every time I feel sad and there is nobody I can talk to.

My previous posts were always because of the same man that I have been loving since 2017. And 2 months ago, we broke up. I just can’t continue to fight for a relationship with one sided love. I have a lot of what ifs, questions and doubts in my mind. He has been my comfort, my cheer, my hope, for over 4 years. It’s just very hard to continue living without him. I wanted to move on, but I don’t know how or where should I start. I just did not lost a boyfriend, I lost a best friend, a brother, a mentor. He was everything to me.

I know deep down in my heart, I have been telling myself that one day, he’ll realize that he still loves me and that I am the one that God has prepared for him. I don’t want to forget him nor our memories, but I wanted to overcome this pain so badly. Please help me, HOW TO MOVE ON?

[writingengineer]

At The End

I ran to a random quote tonight. “Do not fall in love to a person who is not yet done loving somebody else because at the end, you might end up hurting”. Does love really have to be like this? Does it have to be this hard? Does it have to be this complicated? Does it have to hurt like this? Do I deserve this?  Do I deserve to be treated like this? Do I have to feel all this pain to be happy? I have a lot of questions that I can’t find the answers. Well I guess, I’m just in love. And being in love means sacrifice.

[writingengineer]

Number 7, tho: Forgive - for your own sake. 

Steps to Letting Go of Painful Memories

Experiences can leave us with some painful memories. They tie us to the past and prevent us moving on. And the only way to freedom is to work on letting go – so these memories don’t haunt us or keep us trapped in pain. Below are some guidelines to help you work on this.

1. Before you can let go, you must face whatever happened and accept that it is part of your past experiences. Suppression doesn’t work as a long-term solution. It can only be a band aid that brings temporary relief. Talk to someone you trust, or write about it in your journal. You need to share what happened, in order to move on.

2. Identify the lessons you have learned from what has happened. There’s always a lesson – so look for what you’ve learned. It doesn’t make it better – but it does lessen its power.

3. Write the lesson down on a piece of paper and repeat it to yourself when you’re hit by old, painful memories. For example, if you’ve been scarred by abuse, then you might write something like: “My experience of abuse does not determine who I am. I’m a stronger person now, and that is not my destiny. I’m choosing my own future, and the person I will be.”

4. Repeat this mantra often so it takes root in your mind. Allow it to be stronger than the bad experience. Say it often, till you mean it, then you’ll start to feel you’re freer. Persevere and keep on fighting when those old memories return.

5. Seek to be a person who’s a peace with themselves. When peace is your focus, old thoughts and memories have much less power over how you think and feel. However, seeking after peace must be a conscious, constant choice.

6. When the past tries to intrude, focus firmly on the present. Ground yourself in what’s happening around you in the room, and try to breathe deeply - and deliberately relax. You are here in this moment; you’re not living in the past.

7. Forgive – for your own sake. Try to heal from what happened – then let resentments go. You don’t want them in your life for they’ll just tie you to the past. It’s not an ease process; it takes work and discipline. But it is worth the daily struggle - as one day you’ll be free.

[writingengineer]

HOW?

[writingengineer]

Disappointments

I am just so tired of everything. I wanna quit. I am so tired of you. You always make me feel like I am an option to you and will never be your priority. Why are you always hurting me like this? Do I really deserve this kind of hurt? You always have time for them. Why do you have all the reasons in the world if it’s about me? if it’s for me? You know what? I am so tired of crying. crying every time you make me feel like an option to you. When can you prioritize me? When will you ever realize my worth? I just hope that the time that you will, I am still the same woman who is madly in love with you. Don’t wait for the time that I can see the truth and realize my worth.

I hope someday, I can find the man that God created for me. The man that will make me fall in love with him over and over again. The man that will love me unconditionally. The man that will never fail to make me feel special. If that time comes, you will never have me again.

[writingengineer]

Heart vs. Mind

My heart wants to wait for him and to hold on. But my mind keeps on telling me that that everything’s falling into it’s perfect place. That eventually, this will happen, it just happened a little earlier than i expected.

And now, I am stuck in the middle of following my heart or trusting what my mind keeps on telling me. 

Should it be Heart over Mind? Or Mind over Heart?

[writingengineer]

Me at the Moment

Hiding the pain within from everyone and trying to look happy in front of other people.

[writingengineer]

This marks a goodbye

Moy,

Kaybaw ko di ka maka basa ani kai wa man sad ka ga gamit ug tumblr. ug akong gi tuyo nga bisayaon nako ni pag suwat para di makasabot tanan mka basa ani. Magsuwat ra gihapon ko bisan ug di ka mka basa, sakit naman gud kaayo. sa kadaghan nakog friends ba, ambot ngano wa jud ko ma sturyahan. sakit kaayo jud moy.

Ngano ing ana man ka? Imo ko gi biyaan nga wa man lang mag ingun unasai plano nimo. Di ra ka pa ramdam ug kalit. Ug wa pa ko nanawag, di ko makahibaw sa plano nimo nga mag pabugnaw sah. ka shet baya jud ana nga rason ui. ug ma dayonan kag ka bugnaw nya di na diay ka mubalik sa ako? mag unsa man ko diri? mag hinuwat sa wala? tss. Murag dapat na nako dawaton ang tinuod. Adto man jud gud gihapon ta padung. kaybaw man ta ana. wa lang ko mag tuo na ing ana ka sayo ug sa ing ani na paagi. makatawa nalang ko sa akong self. nangandam man ta ko para ani nga panahona, pero ngano karon nga nahitabo na ni, mura man gihapon kog maboang sa kasakit? wa nako kaybaw jud unsai akong buhaton. di ko ganhan mo uli kai mag maoy ra ko sa kwarto, di sad ko  ganahan mag nilakaw kai tayg maghilak ra kos kalsada. sa tinuod lang, gahuwat pa gihapon ko ug ga ampo pa ko nga unta mobalik na ka, nga mobalik pa ka. pero mahitabo pa ba kaha na nuh? kaybaw man unta ko unsai sakto buhaton, pero di man ko ganhan buhaton ang sakto. ikaw kaha? unsai gi huna2 nimo karong mga panahona?

Wa ko kaybaw ug mobalik pa ba ka. gi cut nako tanang means of communication sa imoha, pero kahibaw ka naa ra ko diri gahuwat nga mobalik ka. kahibaw ka asa ko pangitaon. kahibaw ka naa ra ko diri. pero ug di najud ka mobalik, okay ra. nag masteral naman ko anang moving on, kaya ra kaayo ni nako.

‘til we meet again.

-meng

[writingengineer]

CONFUSED

Am I really in love? Or am I just in love by the thought of being in love?

#confussions #love # problems