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[writtenformyselfonly]

I don't want to get blamed for things I thought right. That's why I talk to people, and try to get validation. but once I found out that many people said I was wrong, then I'll apologize and I'll change my behaviour. Somehow being reactive to other's bad behaviour on me makes me feel bad too, that's what I'm talking about and somehow I need some validation as to whether my reaction was right or wrong. Had a guilty feeling, but suffering and being hurt is a crazy feeling too.

Is that wrong doing this? If it's wrong, then what is the right thing to do?

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Yaa Allah..

What should I do in my life? I feel suffer when someone needs my help, but when I help her, she always take advantage of me. While I'm being nice to her, give her space but still remind her politely about her responsibility, but she feel offended when I was being polite, she think I condescend to corner her and when I make a mistake, she being so dramatic, but when I gave her dramatic reaction, she think that I'm a villain for being dramatic.

I feel suffer when I help her and even at the end she always take advantage of me. but when I don't help her, I feel suffer for being overthinking, thinking what kind of chaos that could be happen in a future if I don't help, and possibility that bigger chaos might force me to be more suffer.

What should I do?

Yaa Allah, tapi capek

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Those eyes are finally back

Those passion!! I finally see it again

Bismillah bismillah bismillah!! Hope Allah give all the ease for us. Aamiin Yaa Rabbal Alamin ❤️

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Dear Happy, If only there's anything I could do. The "informasi mendatangi gue" tells me many things about you. I know that currently you even didn't come to your warung, just help your father behind, because you don't like the system. I know that you have full hope in Srengseng, while your best friend probably dissapointing you. In other hand, your sister wanted to help you (also help herself due to her career situation), but so many terms & condition which somehow probably doesn't fit for you. I know you only wanted to do something only because of either two things, first one is because of you really want to do it and it's your passion, second thing is because you wanted to help.

Happy, I know your dream, build your own profitable warung, with your own style. I miss those passionate eyes talking about cogs, warung, food taste, etc. I wish you could help yourself, find a solution on how you can doing it. or probably I wish I could be your safety net, help you in a silent without you knowing it, so you still have your own dignity.

So far, all I can do is sending my prayers. I do believe you can do it! It's just the matter when.

Semoga lelah menjadi Lillah yaaa py. Aamiin Yaa Rabbal Alamin

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Dear Happy,

hope this year and future brings you a lot of prosper, courage, confidence, and love. Aamiin Yaa Rabbal Alamin ❤️

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That's hurt!! Hurt very much. Segitu jijik nyaa yaa. What did I do wrong to him? 😭

Yet, instead of hating him, I hate myself more.

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Bismillah Yaa Allah.. probably, currently I need help on this part more. Allah knows what is best for me, and when it's happen. My heart crashed because I was expecting good things to happen in my love life. Besides that, my other part of life has complicated things too which I don't really want to feel. Turns out, Allah (hopefully) will give me the solution first on my other's problem first. Hopefully, it will be my distraction as well. Aamiin Yaa Rabbal Alamin

Bismillahirahmannirrahim!! I hope this will be my rizky! Aamiin Yaa Rabbal Alamin

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been thinking if I made my parents proud.

have I?

will I?

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I miss the 'I-know-you-can-but-let-me-do-it' attitude from you 🥺

----

and after you did it, you will say "repot!!" angrily

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My wish is today's problem is your common family communication problems. Not because you're intentionally ignored your sister's message, and make myself feels omitted. Aamiin

Dear Happy,

I hope whatever you do, you do good. I hope you will always get berkah from Allah SWT, I hope you and your family always get health and happiness. Aamiin Yaa Rabbal Alamin.

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Alhamdulillah.. I think my life is getting better. All problems is getting solved.

Alhamdulillah!! Thank you Allah, for all blessing You have given to me, to my family, to my friends.

I apologize for all overwhelmed feelings and desperately feel that all of these are too much. Even I know at very end your help will come.

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Astaghfirullahaladzim. Maaf Yaa Allah!

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It's getting more tired, feeding others ego, while feeding their ego is also my ego. It should be a win-win thing, but it's so tiring and overwhelming. Do nothing and stay still makes me feel useless, feeding other's ego makes me happy until I realise that their ego never be fulfilled.

My colleagues, I tried my best at work until the point I don’t want to try more. They underestimate me while the authorities is not on me, therefore I let them see themselves the useless version of me.

Family, though they never insist me to do something, being a first born is a real burden. Feels like anything should be solve, but if no one can, the it has to be me. Aney asked me to be more realistic and facing the dynamic of life, while I always tried to do my best to keep everything on harmony. Now, I let others solve their own things, but stay still and feels like waiting for chaos to happen. Feels more guilty about it, but again. I’m tired.

I’m actually tired meeting with people, I’d rather stay at my room and do nothing. But somehow I think I shouldn’t and I tried to meet my friends instead. And because they are people, they’re human being, there’s always things happened and again I have to face the dynamic of life. It’s tiring.

Happy, feels we’re still clise but somehow we’re still far. Even it’s getting farther, and farther away. I knew he was trying his best to acknowledge my existence not to make me feel invisible. But…. All of these feels like he’s just pretending. Me either, pretend that I didn’t notice, while all these things are really hurt me. It feels like he has a plan to completely leave me. It just take a step by step so I won't notice, but I did. Slightly changes, I noticed. Not sure again what did I do that makes him so hate me, while we can look back to the past that we're so close even I still don't know what kind relationship we had back then.

I know that my existence somehow probably a burden for many people. Somehow my existence and my behaviour only makes things worse.

I want to disappear. Somehow I think that would give more berkah for others. People that doesn’t love me, or doesn’t like my existence but see me bring a benefit won’t feel any loss I think, but somehow they will be more independent.

Me disappearing in their life won’t give any loss.

I know there still several people that loves me genuinely, Aney, Hani, my parents, Popi? Hehehehe I’m not even sure hehe. But they’re busy chasing their own life, why would I bother them.

Yaa Allah, if you give me more life, can I be happier. I’m tired

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In my life, before I die, I wish I can feel loved by a person I love.

in my life, I never feel truly loved. Either they suddenly change and go, or they're stay but only to use me

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How to deal with life and people is all about understanding and being ikhlas

Bismillah yaaa hope in my life I always do my best to understand others and being ikhlas for whatever happen.

Ikhlas ni kudu ditempa siih

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Btw Happy, I miss seeing you play a guitar

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Life goes on even when you are not around, darling

- mttms, 26 March 2024