wrote-it-down-before-i-forget

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

I want to experience life by living it - not by replaying it on a screen

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

📍 Pin

{??? 2021 I think}

Where are you from?

“-There, but i grew up here-”

What is it like There?

I recite trivia gathered over the years.

So you like it better back Home?

Home? Is that what There is called?

Different, out of place,

A jigsaw piece a millimetre too long.

Foreigner in my land.

Stranger in my home.

Too western for the east.

Too eastern for the west.

“I do not belong”. You do

not understand, you cannot.

I smile anyway.

It is all I can do.

Because I have nowhere else to go.

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

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[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

Things that reverberated with my soul

“Lonely isn’t being alone. It’s the feeling that nobody cares.”

“It didn’t kill me, but something inside me died that day.”

“Compliment people. If you think a good thing about someone, there’s no harm in saying it aloud.”

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

Review

{17 Feb 2022}

Is that it?

Yes. How was it? What did you manage to accomplish?

Nothing really…

…Nothing? That’s absurd!

*clearly embarrassed* Well I-

You managed to LIVE for __ years!

And you’re telling me you’ve done ‘nothing’ ??

*flushed with shame*

…

Did you experience a sunset and sunrise at least?

…yes

Good. Enjoyed some of the food?

..uhm, yes?

Marvellous! So you have accomplished things.

Well, not really…

Those are just things that naturally happen. I didn’t really do much of anything-

Did you write? Or build something? Cook or bake? Paint, draw, colour?

I-uh yeh-yes..?

Then you’ve created! You’ve brought things into existence. The very essence of human experience!

Oh, and how wonderful each of your creations have been. How beautiful and perfect - especially the ones that came out imperfect.

Have you sang or danced? Shared stories with friends? Laughed at a silly joke? Cried when you were hurting?

Of course-

Astounding!

But those are things everyone does. It’s not special.

I didn’t do anything.

I- don’t understand…

You experienced. You’ve expressed emotions. You even built and invented!

*visible frustration*

That’s just life stuff! A literal 2 year old can do all of that!

I had __ years and I wasted all of it!

I’ve done nothing important, no one cares about my death. It’s like- like my existence didn’t even matter…

…

How odd. You value your life through others’ opinions and accomplishes?

Well- yes? What else-

You lived. For __ years. There were never any objectives or end-goals apart from the ones you chose to pursue.

You lived.

Watched the sky and dreamed.

Experienced love and heartbreak; two sides of the same coin.

Laughed, smiled, danced, cried, grieved, comforted, loved.

No one else could’ve done it like you.

You did it all. And it’s enough.

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

Pain of a witness

{4 Jan 2022}

Pain. The only guarantee in life is pain.

All pain is equal, despite the different types of suffering experienced.

Pain from illness,

Pain from helplessness.

Pain from isolation,

And from segregation.

It is a primal experience. And our reaction to it determines who we choose to be.

Victims of helplessness can choose to be insecure and utilise malice to capture power.

Or they could build upon their experience, and help others through their pain.

There is no right or wrong path. But there is certainly a choice made along the way.

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

Boredom

{4 Jan 2022}

I’m perpetually bored. There are things I do of course, but they are distractions - my attempts to distract and fill the time like a child waiting for their bones to grow. Why do we do the things we do? Because when we don’t do anything, we get bored.

Think of when the world had to self-isolate. We were stuck indoors for months on end, with only the internet for entertainment. But there is limited media for quality entertainment and consumption. What happens when you burn through all the content you like? You’re back to square 1, you are bored.

.

.

Then comes frustration. An inferno that punishes you for having dared be with nothing to do. Attempts to dissuade the flame only feeds it; growing hotter and more violent every second. Its rampage is truly a marvel to behold, hence why you must ensure no one is with you when the fire ignites. Frustration will burn through all rational thought, so you must first protect those you care for before the hot coals erupt into flames.

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

When I Go

{21 Aug 2021}

Do not allow grief to extinguish your fire. Grieve my absence; it is necessary for you to accept what has happened. Take your time - go at your own pace.

Then Live.

The world will not slow down for you. It carries on. So live on - one day at a time. And when my absence is apparent, celebrate me.

Remember me in joy and laughter. Remember me in sadness and sorrow. Remember me in pain and confusion. In doing so, I am still with you.

Would I have even lived if I did not have anyone to remember me?

Your pain is a sign that you don’t regret choosing to live alongside me. You suffer now because we were able to experience such great joy. Would you have recognised the severity of your pain if you did not have a much greater joy to compare it to?

I won’t apologise for the hurt you’re feeling. Because I do not regret a single second that I was privileged enough to live alongside you.

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

Recipe of You

{13 July 2021}

You are not your own person. You are the culmination of the ideas and experiences you’ve had. A book, tv show, movie or story may be the birthplace of your defining characteristics. A habit may be stolen from your parent or sibling.

How many of your thoughts can you call your own? Did you settle with the same perspective on life as your parent(s)/carer ? Or did you challenge yourself to explore the rest of the world?

It’s not just you on this planet. Every face you see has an impact on your experience of life, and vice versa. Do you recognise the life that you can’t see?

That bus driver you interacted with for only 30 seconds may be providing for a family in another country, or they may be a retired assassin trying to re-integrate into ‘normal’ life. That dozing teenager next to you might have had a busy day developing technology that will revolutionise society, or they could have barely survived an overdose merely a day prior.

Appearances aren’t deceiving - it’s your way of thinking that can blind you to the truth. For example, when you become aware of something, you suddenly notice it everywhere you go. It didn’t hide itself from you, you just didn’t have the knowledge needed to recognise and understand it. It was always there.

Learning something - anything - lets you in on little secrets scattered throughout the world. The more you learn, the more you can recognise and appreciate the little miracles you see. And your brain hordes these little secrets, because you never know when they could be useful again.

After a few years, your collection of secrets is big enough that you can start mixing and matching them. You begin to actively think and form your own opinions on subjects because that one secret gives (only) you a novel perspective.

You didn’t create all of the ideas on your own. You borrowed little parts of your past experiences to form a unique answer. This is the process that makes you, you. The only you that could ever possibly exist. And I thank you for this, because your ideas and interactions will live on in the recipe of many others.

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

An Epiphany at Night

{23 June 2021}

For quite a while, I wanted to die.

I wasn’t abused or bullied, but I suppose I’ve always had a strange relationship with death.

I was in Yr 5 (9ish yrs old) when I had a meltdown during break in primary school. You see, my primary school was across the road from the local cemetery. And everyday I would have a clear view of the gates and the trees that casted shadows over the forgotten graves.

I can’t remember what brought on the thought, but I recall crying uncontrollably when I realised I would be alone and helpless when my parents died. I’m certain my teacher was baffled by the sudden onslaught of tears. I mean - I would be too if a normally happy child suddenly couldn’t stop crying.

I think this was the beginning of my complicated relationship with life and death. All throughout high school and college I was certain there wasn’t any meaning to it all. That I am a product of the actions of 2 people and that my time and energy is spent chasing an idea that doesn’t exist. A li(f)e that we tell ourselves because we are too scared to face the reality that this is all there is to existence. No big meaning. No purpose. Just awareness of our fleeting existence on a moving rock.

Then came tonight. On 23 June (around 11pm) I started to understand. We are witnesses to little perfect moments as we live. They aren’t very significant in our story, but they show the fleeting beauty that is only possible because we are alive.

I also realised I had been very selfish. I am religious, and I respect the opinions of those who think differently from me. But I witnessed my own little miracle. Have seen many miracles in fact, but like I said - I’ve been selfish. You see - my NY resolution & wish was this : I want to find my passion(s) and start building towards my dream when I figured out what it was.

I most definitely did NOT actively work towards this, but tonight I came to a realisation. I actually HAVE worked on my resolutions - BOTH of them. Like the FK! My progress was minuscule, I barely noticed what I was actually doing. I didn’t MEAN for it to happen, but it all sorted itself out in the end.

I did it. And all throughout the process, I doubted my God. I was filled with (poorly) hidden resentment and bitterness. Becoming skeptical at all the promises. Distrusting everything I was told. I wasn’t a very good Christian. But God loved me all the same. He gave me what I asked for even though I gave him nothing in return. In fact, I’m pretty sure I tried to drag some of my friends down with me. Yet - my God loved me as hard as he did in the beginning, maybe even more.

It is a miracle to me. I’m on my way to achieving what I asked for; but I started without ever consciously trying to do anything.

I also felt guilt for my selfishness and the unjustified bitterness I showed to my God. But I am not ashamed of it. I learned that the things I doubted from Him were actually being given to me all along. I was merely too blinded by my own selfishness to see it.

I doubted Him, very close to hated Him, but He was unfazed. He loved me all the same. He waited for me to piece it all together myself. Patience and faith.

I understand now what men mean when they feel undeserving of love shown to them. You feel guilt and self-hate because you aren’t the person the other perceives you to be. You are flawed and bitter and broken. But they love you all the same. You start to want to cause them hurt because “can’t they see that I’m not perfect or nice. I’m broken and I’m not good enough for them.” You try to push them away, yet they are still there. They refuse to move and refuse to love you any less.

Eventually you tire yourself out. And you reflect. You realise how shitty of a person you are and you find that you want to change that. You start by approaching them. To thank them for everything. Because you robbed yourself of everything. And they held onto it all for you - waiting patiently until you decided to accept it all again. You stole their time and energy when you decided to barricade yourself in your thoughts. You hated them for loving something so undeserving. Yet they believed in you more than you could ever believe in yourself.

You owe them everything, and it’s now your turn to step up and give them everything they rightly deserve.

Words cannot describe what I felt and learned on 23 June 2021, but that’s okay. I plan to show it instead.

[wrote-it-down-before-i-forget]

A conversation

{ May 5 2021 }

The sun is setting slightly to the right and my sky is filled with pink, blue and silver. I am stood on a mountain overlooking a great open space, but I am not at the top. I am resting (I think) from my climb, on a ledge that’s comfortably big enough. I am alone, but I don’t think I am lonely.

I look out to the safari and all I see are a few trees. The mountain blocks most of my view to the right and behind me. I am in a corner I suppose, and I feel safe. I know that nothing can reach me. I am free to enjoy this view, and my thoughts stay uninterrupted.

The stars keep me company as the sun disappears over the horizon. They let me peek at what is happening in their corners of this universe. In return, I stay silent and open my mind to them. I can no longer understand my thoughts - they aren’t just mine anymore. And then, they tell me a story.

The body was made with dirt, but the soul and mind came from the stars. Everything has been given a part of the universe (some more than others), and the universe demands to be united. It is, however, not so cruel as to strip you of your share. The universe allows you to be alive, to breathe, to eat, to experience. And in return, your actions and thoughts add to all that has and will be.

Human life, the stars tell me, is very short. Many have spent their time surviving; ignoring the reminders to slow down and enjoy the experience. But - a few have learned to connect with their piece of the universe. Their life becomes something a little more than their own. For you see, the universe gets a little too excited at the connection and tends to overshare its own experiences. Human minds (of course) can’t always comprehend these new ‘thoughts’, but the sense of being something more is always understood.

I ask the stars ‘Why does the universe give a part of itself if it demands to be united?’

The stars are silent. I have no doubt that they know the answers, but it is difficult for them to explain in a way that a human can comprehend. I lie down and I wait.

The universe is more than just itself - the stars begin - it cannot be compared to the timeline of life and death that you know in your world. We are witnesses to many of the universe’s creations, and many more of its destructions. We are also born from the universe, but as human know - even we stars do not last forever. In a way, the universe is united. The pieces of the universe within humans rarely connects with each other because humans don’t unify with the piece within themselves. We stars are the observers of all human actions, it is through us that the pieces within humans are connected. The universe may not be able to unify via human to human, but it is content with unity through collective observations.

You are made of us, but you are not a star. You can create and build. You can tell great stories and breathe an idea into reality. It is very difficult to understand existence; even harder to try to understand the reasoning. But you are not obligated to understand. You may try of course, but we have many suggestions of other ways you can spend your time.

The stars fade into quiet. I close my eyes as I breathe deeply. My mind is buzzing with too many thoughts; I can’t understand any of them, and I have no plan to try.