wtfisrealityanymore

[wtfisrealityanymore]

Its crazy to think about how in love I was with my ex. It was real, I’ll never doubt that, but thats the part that terrifies me. I loved him SO much. I was so freaking positive he was the one. I would’ve done anything for him, literally anything if it put a smile on that boys face. And now here I am, in a relationship with another man, feeling those exact feelings towards him now. Its just so... scary. Not because I’m afraid I wont love him anymore, but because what if he suddenly decides he doesn’t love me anymore? I dont even know what I’d do with myself. I always thought, “how could anyone just up and leave someone they love? If you could do that, you never loved that person at all to begin with.” Yet, I did that. I know I loved my ex. I know it wasn’t “lust” or “teenage fever.” I would’ve married him and lived happily ever after if the last month of our relationship was erased from my memory. He was my best friend in the whole wide world... But love alone just wasn’t enough to save us at the end of the day. I needed more from him. 

I know my boyfriend loves me. I know he means it when he tells me. But if I was capable of breaking it off with someone I was SO sure about and so in love with, who’s to say it couldn’t happen to me? 

I dont know. I overthink every scenario. I’m so afraid of karma. I’m so afraid I dont deserve him. I have all these plans mapped out in my head of our future together, and if it were to ever end for us I dont think I’d be able to recover from this. I’ve been in love before, but I have never felt it like this. So unquestionably infatuated. I have zero doubts that I want to be with him forever. I have zero doubts that he is everything I was missing. If he leaves me I’m afraid I’ll feel empty. You cant give a person everything they’ve ever yearned for and then take it away. I didn’t even know men like him existed. I thought I had it so good before, but I really had no idea. 

I feel pathetic for allowing someone to take complete control over my emotions like this, but its hard not to trust him. He’s given me everything I’ve ever asked for; honesty, patience, assurance, loyalty. I really dont believe he’d ever betray or hurt me, so in the instance that he ever does.. it will absolutely devastate me. 

I’m so stupid for even getting worked up over these made-up scenarios in my head. I’m just not used to having such a consistent good thing. Its like I’m waiting for someone to burst my bubble, and the longer it takes, the more invested in him I am.. and the more anxious I become. 

When did I become so damaged?

[wtfisrealityanymore]

School is hitting me harder than ever before and its difficult not to feel like I’m spiraling out of control. I graduate FSU in a few months and that terrifies me. I don’t feel ready yet. Everyone thinks I have my life and future all together but in reality I’m just as confused as everyone else. I thought by now I’d be so ready to be done with college and start my life, but it’s all just so scary. I’m not ready to let go of this stage of my life. I love college. I love being both dependent on my parents and independent of my choices. I love that feeling of not being an adult yet, neither a kid, but that beautiful limbo of “in-between.” I have my future mapped out and its getting so close to real life... I’m just so afraid I’ll fail. I’ve worked so hard for this position in my life and the possibility of not accomplishing any of the goals I’ve set for myself eats me alive. I’m so afraid of failure.

[wtfisrealityanymore]

I love my boyfriend with everything in me. He doesn’t make me feel alone or anything, but still. I just wish I had a friend besides him. Whenever he’s working or just too busy to be on the phone with me I cant help but feel lonely. I wish I had a group of friends to count on. I wish I could remember the moment I lost all the old friends I used to have, but now that I think of it, I dont think any of them were my friends at all. The minute my ex went out of my life, they went with him. Its kinda sad to think about, but I try not to let it get to me. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been relationship-wise, so in the long run if losing all of them meant finding Christian, it was worth it. Still though, I miss being apart of a massive groupchat with people all just trying to hangout and make plans together. I hate being home because it reminds me of all that has changed. 

[wtfisrealityanymore]

Ugh I always accidentally post in my main account. 

but fuck fuck fuck I hate myself so much I feel so guilty and stupid and just plain retarded for even letting this happen? How did I sign a fucking lease and not know it??? I never gave them any money or co-signor/guarantor or anything and they are literally fucking me so bad. I am so stupid. 

Sooooooo I filled out an application to live at this one community a few weeks ago, and after weeks of not being in contact with them I ended up finding a nicer and cheaper place to live at and signed with them instead. Tell me how today after WEEKS of no contact, that first community calls me telling me I actually signed a lease with them when I filled out the application and now I’m legally binded to rent which is NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH, ON TOP of my new lease that I JUST signed for which is $700 a month…..    all of which is due within the week….. 

I actually cannot pay that. I cant afford any of it. My parents are in disbelief. My grandfather just lost his life savings due to a scam he was lured into and we now have to take full care of him, on top of my grandmother who we support fully, on top of my younger brother’s aftercare, on top of mine and my sisters college education. Literally today we canceled our Netflix and direct tv and bought a cheaper package for our phone family data plan because we are so low on money and in debt, and of course… this happens to us. They are so disappointed in me. My mom was sobbing. Our best option is to not pay it and let it just ruin my credit. Ill be going bankrupt before my life even starts…. 

I’ve been crying for 9 hours straight. my eyes are swollen af and every time I think about it my heart drops to my stomach. I just really have no idea what Im going to do but if this doesn’t get settled I think I might’ve just ruined my life. 

[wtfisrealityanymore]

Long distance is worth it when you answer the phone to this handsome face

[wtfisrealityanymore]

Mmmm I miss you

[wtfisrealityanymore]

Every time I think about my boyfriend I get this overwhelming sense of tranquility. All I have to do is speak to him or think of his face and I suddenly feel so, calm??? He brings me an insane amount of peace. A type of peace where I am just completely and totally engaged with life. I feel relaxed. Composed. Safe. I don’t feel out of my mind with him. He protects me from the stress of the world. The burden of my anxiety. He just makes feel so goddamn resilient. Like I could do literally anything in the world with him by my side. I feel so happy to be simply existing at the same time as him. To have a man this incredible totally in love with me. It just gives me so much confidence??? He is so smart, and sexy, and cool, and gentle. And he LOVES me?! Like, really really loves me. I don’t know how I’m even worthy?? I am so emotionally and mentally and physically attracted to this boy it’s hard not to smile while even writing this right now. I can’t really grasp it, how well everything just sort of fell into place. He’s everything I could’ve ever asked for in a man and more. I have so much confidence that we were just made for each other. He understands me in a way I’ve never been understood. He brings so much ease into my life. I learn so much from him daily. He is just so different from anyone I’ve ever dealt with ever. I feel like a woman next to him. I’m so proud to be holding his hand in public. I am so proud of him for being such an amazing human in general. He makes me feel so beautiful. He tells me every second of the day how adored I am. Every weekend I spend with him I fall more and more in love. Every time that we separate he cries kissing me goodbye. I am so treasured and appreciated. I trust him with everything in me. I didn’t even think it was possible for me to trust someone this much?? I know he will never do anything to jeopardize what we have created. I know he is genuine and honest with me. He tells me his dreams and fears and secrets and I just feel so close to him. I feel like I’ve known him forever. He compliments me in ways I didn’t even know I could be complimented. I’ve never been so swept off my feet. I’ve never felt so respected. It doesn’t even stop there. I adore his family. They are wonderful. He only comes from good. There is no bad in his heart. Things could not be any more perfect between us two. I don’t know how I got so lucky honestly. If every single mistake and heartache and burden that I have gone through in the past is what essentially led me to this moment here with him, then it was well worth it. I am so grateful to be the girl that holds his heart. I will cherish it until the very end.

[wtfisrealityanymore]

My sister is getting married next year and she’s made me the Maid of Honor and I picked out her wedding ceremony and reception venue already and I’m in the middle of planning her bridal shower and I already got a head start on the toast I’ll be giving at the rehearsal dinner and idk I’m just really excited this is all so surreal. its almost 4am and I cant stop with the wedding stuff. You’d think this is my wedding

[wtfisrealityanymore]

Recap.

Fast forward

Its a surreal feeling reading some of the old things I used to write. Things are so different. I am so different. Its almost like I dont recognize myself from before. I feel sorry for that 16-18 year old girl venting on this site. If only she knew the things I know now. If she could only see how freaking real karma is--and know that one day it will be working in her favor, so sit patient. 

I’m thankful for my experiences, although they were tough to overcome. I am stronger now than I ever once was. Everything that once brought me to my knees is now the reason I stand tall. I am in a position in my life that I never saw coming.  Things. get. better. 

As for you, my first love..

Oh how things just turned upside down for us. I still struggle with letting you completely go, but you do not control me like you once did. Thats something I have never been able to say -- and truly mean. You stick around in my mind solely for the beautiful memories we have sewn together in our hearts, and the millions of little things that remind me of you daily, but nothing in me yearns to make any more memories than we already have. I have outgrown you, and thats a tough pill to swallow. Apart of me knows I will always love you, for helping mold me into the woman I am today. You were my first true love and my first real taste of freedom. Before you I did not know how much happiness a life could hold, how much laughter a girl could contain, or how much passion two beings could feel towards one another. I believe we all have pieces of our past loved ones that we carry. I am certain that I have pieces of you etched into my skin. stamped onto my heart. branded into my bones. I will carry pieces of you everywhere I go in this world, whoever I become. I hope you have pieces of me that you carry too. You taught me how to truly give my entire all to another human. To love fiercely. To take risks. To not give a single fuck about what anyone in the world has to say as long as it makes me happy. Us happy. You gave me courage. You helped me feel every single emotion to their extreme. You had my heart and you lit it on fire. Im not sure anything in this world will ever make me feel as free or as wild as I did while loving you. I am grateful for having known a love this consuming, because had I not, I would not be who I am today. Yes, I have outgrown you - but I do love you... just not in the way you want me to love you. Back when our puzzle pieces still fit together, we had something worthwhile. What we made together is something so beyond beautiful it belongs in an art museum. All the lows were well worth the highs you made me feel. And now it seems our pieces have shifted and they cant seem to position themselves together like they once did. I can never forgive myself for hurting you the way I did. When people ask about you my mind blanks. I am so sorry. You have hurt me beyond repair in the past, and even so, you deserved better. 

I wish I could find the words to explain to you how someone could walk away from what we had... I still dont know how I did it. I dont know why I wanted more. I dont know why I’m so difficult to satisfy. You once told me that if you were to offer me the world I would still ask for the stars and the moon too. Maybe you are right. I am selfish. I am stubborn. You gave me your all and it just wasn’t enough. I feel so much pain thinking about how much that devastated you. The agony I put you through is unsettling. I woke up and decided I didn’t want you anymore. I woke up and decided I’m missing something. 13 years of engraving myself into your heart, just to break free right at the end. Right when things should’ve been getting more serious. We were supposed to get engaged after I graduated. We were only a few months away. and yet something in me told me I was making a mistake. Our breakup felt more like a death. The months apart felt like a prolonged funeral, agonizing about the “what if’s” and all the potential just thrown away. 

You took me in as a little girl. You broke my heart over and over again, until there was nothing left of me. And then one day, years later, you picked up all the pieces and one by one put me back together. You turned me into your favorite doll. You lifted me high. You praised and loved me. You promised me you’d never hurt me again, and for the most part, you have kept that promise. For the most part. That doesn’t change that my pieces were still cracked, only being held together by the glue you gave me. I couldn’t trust you. You changed entirely for me, and yet I still resented you for all that I went through in the past. I kept a grudge, on the one man in the world that loved me more than he loved himself. I hated that you had to learn to love me, when loving you took almost no effort from me. I hated that it took you breaking me until I was nothing in order for you to see my worth. You were my best friend. You are my best friend. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. You were my muse. I was your girl. I know your next lover will only see you for who you are, not who you were before. and thats what you deserve. I couldn’t get past your demons, because they have once haunted me. I was the love of your life, but I was also a victim of you. The paradox was too upsetting for me. I had to get out. I knew leaving was the right choice. I knew if I left, and came back, it will be because I will know for sure that you are the one for me. It will be because I’m ready to give you what you need from me. Forgiveness. 

I left. and its been 8 months. I don’t see myself coming back. I have found what I was looking for. But I do forgive you. I know that you wish that you could rewrite the past. I wish I could too. Maybe then, we could’ve lived our happily ever after. The worst part of this all is losing my best friend. But after all this time has passed.. I look at you, and I look at myself, and I know that it was the right decision. I know that when we think of each other, we both remember the good. I know that you know the special place you hold in my heart. I met someone else and I know that it eats you alive, but really, it only goes to show that there is hope for you and I. For the longest time I thought if I wasn’t with you I’d be settling for less. I thought that there is no other person in this world that will love me like you do. I was wrong. I met someone else, and my life has changed. Someone will love you the way you deserve to be loved, and you will be the greatest blessing in their life. I know this, because I was once that girl. We grew together to teach each other lessons for our future relationships. We met, and loved so ferociously, so that when the right person came along we will make sure to not let them slip away. Like you let me slip away. Like I let you slip away. You are my blessing. I will never have anything negative to say about you. 

You taught what love was. You taught me what a relationship was. You taught me about friendship. You taught me about how the boy mind works. How to understand. How to love unconditionally. and so, I love him the way you taught me how. Had I not met you, I would not know any of these things. I would not know how to care for him. How to make him feel special. I would not know how much patience and compromise it takes to make something worth it work. 

I loved you so hard that I didn’t have time to love myself - and the same goes for you. That was essentially our error. We gave and gave and gave blindly to each other. We stopped growing and became stagnant. I was not happy. Not just with you, but with myself. I did not like the girl I was. I wasn’t sure I had much to offer. 

He’s taught me how to be loved, every single day. How to appreciate the beauty of my own soul. I do not want to give him the world, I want to share one with him. And I promise you, when you meet the love of your life - the real love of your life - you will be thankful for all that we know now. I’ve learned that no matter what happens, what ends, or how many times our heart breaks, we can, and always will, be able to love again. Love may leave, and though it might never come back in the same familiar way, it always comes back. I am not bitter about where we stand now, because I know that what we had was real. Not many people in this world get to experience that kind of liberation. 

I love you dearly, from the bottom of my heart. Dont ever forget that,

Your first love

[wtfisrealityanymore]

I wish there was an easy way to explain the situation im in 

[wtfisrealityanymore]

Crying my eyes out watching teen wolf because everything that happens to Stiles actually happens to me daily. I really hope people don’t actually think that that is some made up disorder because it’s fucking real and it’s called derealization disorder. Fuck, this whole show just fucked with my head so badly I’m hyperventilating. My anxiety is up the fucking roof right now

[wtfisrealityanymore]

Why do you feel stuck?

Because I've been with the same guy since I was 8. I'm 18 now. If in ten years I can't rid of him, then I doubt I ever can. It's okay though. He brakes my heart every other day but he finds a way to fix it every time so I'm doing alright. I love him, & it sucks... but he's mine forever so I'll just wait for him to grow up a bit. me moving in 6 months will make or break us honestly.

[wtfisrealityanymore]

Don't feel like you're stuck. You have goals and dreams to achieve.

but I am, sadly. & yeah I'm working on them. I won't be here for long, maybe once I leave this place I'll rid my past finally.

[wtfisrealityanymore]

If you people don’t think I fucking love him??????! …..😳😍

[wtfisrealityanymore]

how are things going at the moment? im hoping you're better and happier.

Things at my house never change.

but at the moment me and my super secret (ex)boyfriend are back at it…. which doesn’t really make me that happy, but i deal with it I guess. He’s a part of me that I can’t get rid of, no matter how hard I try or want to.

But in a way I guess it’s just karma. he’s not a good guy, I’m no angel. we deserve each other. we’re both stuck.

[wtfisrealityanymore]

I kinda hope I die tomorrow. It's not a cry for help, it's not a plead for attention... I genuinely hope I actually die. tomorrow. My parents are douche bags, my friends don't care, my boyfriend isn't actually my boyfriend he just uses me, my brain is fucked up, & my life just needs to end. there's no need for fighting because there's no use. And tomorrow is just the perfect day to die.

[wtfisrealityanymore]

My thoughts 99.9% of the time I'm having a panic attack