wu-tvng - Tumblr blog

[wu-tvng]

the self the ego and thoughts r super interesting. it’s like a trifecta that shapes our persona and inner world. nothing is separated, and each entity influences and leans on the other. imbalances might come from one junction superseding another causing an imbalance of the mind, body, and spirit. to be human might mean to master one’s control over these metaphysical entities; to nurture an inner world that is serene and balance of these elements. every action has a reaction and the simultaneous reaction from each component should cancel each other out to create an equilibrium that brings peace of mind. maybe for me, peace means balance. to be balance might depend on one’s ability to apply pressure and draw back when needed. (i’m working on it)

lolz

[wu-tvng]

BOUT TO LOOSE MY FUCKEN MIND IN THIS HO

[wu-tvng]

i’m inspire by my classmates and friends that i have met in college om how they reflect, identify, and process their emotions. one example i saw was through writing. and i’m here today to try to imitate their format of introspective analysis regarding specific emotions.

i have a lot of emotions that is like a web that i’m not sure how to untangle or even find the beginning to. but i want to try because i think it will help me connect deeper with my self and be more authentic and real with how i self care and relate to others. on dealing with emotions let’s talk about that.

i have a tendency to ignore or cut off anything that isn’t serving me without an explanation to the party and after, ignore this elephant myself. i want to be able to set a goal and get a job that’s my thing. i want to make money, learn skills, do different hobbies, make friends ,

[wu-tvng]

i just want to have interest, and friends, and express myself freely and explore my interest and self freely but i dont know why i always feel that i need to shape myself to beocming someone that good colleges will accept and that is someone with empathy and multi dimesnion and smart and who wants to change the world. but what if i just dgaf and im 2D npc and im lazy and incompetent who just lets time pass her by? who would wnat that/ i dont even want that. but this negative mind space always happen when im at home. so when my friend told me his dad passed away yesterday, i felt really sad for my relationship with my dad. but i have so much anger and hate toward his coldness and anger issus and the way he treated my mom and me that i hate him. i hate him for being incompetent and runing our family with his cheating ass and lies. i hate him for never apolgizing and explainnig himself i hate him for being ugly and dirty and disgusting and i hate him for being broke i hate him most of all for not teaching me with kindness and patience but with criticism harshness and cussing. i hate him for not showing me what a good father is for not having a good relationship with me. i hate him for not being a good father.

[wu-tvng]

ahh ive been keeping several tumblr since high school not particularly see sawing between them but scrapping it completly to rebrand my persona bc my past account somehow deviated drastically from the picture perfect , clean aesthetic i wanted to be so badly but always end up shitposting and going on 3 post tangent about nothing

like there is always a certain aesthetic or vibe or cleanness i want to give off and i never give that. but i feel like people never tell u that theres a evolution to arriving in your dream aesethic, the trials and errors, but i feel like some people just are photogenic and are just themselves maybe thats my problem, i havnt figured out myself enoguh to hold a specific vibe hence i sit here as a 24 year old and not 17 year old still contemplatng about the same thing i did before. im scared that in a blink of an eye ill type this and say im 42.

i think living with my parents always bring this out of me. i never know how to leave here. i always regret how, maybe, i could have prepared better to not live with my parents by getting ready for the work force but instead i was focuse on escaping reality and gettig chained in a relationship i wasnt really feeling.

life is layered and complex. they always talk about the weavers of fate and i wonder if their pattern and lines are clean precies and defined or if its jumbled confusing and messy bc that is how my life feels. im not able to untangle each strand of this weave that just becomes intrcatly more complex as the days pass. but i want to addrese each line , untangle it so i can find my core again.

but i also need to be okay with not untangling and understanding everything right now and still moving forward.

[wu-tvng]

i clocked out of work early and. i’m going to my first jhene aiko concert. i spent 200. it seems very expensive but i think i’ll deal with that purchase later. i think her music has been very healing to me.

so i purchased last min.

on the way to the concert i see a text from my friend saying his dad passed away. i’ve been knowing that his dad has been in bad health. but i didn’t know the whole extent. this has shook my world a lot. as a child, i took everything in face value. i have been fortunate to not have experience the passing of anybody close to me. but having my friends father leave just makes me realize how fleeting life is and to appreciate those close to u. i’m gonna appreciate every moment with my parents instead of trying to leave. i need to do better i need to grow into a healthy adult that can regulate the emotions of stress, loss, stability and life. i need to talk to my dad and not wait for the last minute when i can’t so i will talk to him when i’m home.

[wu-tvng]

i chose writing and the humanities bc of nights like dis where i fall in love with writing my thoughts on blank canvas to internet strangers. it’s easy bc i use language everyday. i shy away from math bc i don’t speak it.

and maybe that’s the problem. i should speak in numbers. i be looking at numerology and i’m a cashier so maybe numbers do work well for me.

but this is the era where i embrace wat i’m not familiar , reinvent and discover myself. and for me it’s especially math. i like it bc it’s hard bc i don’t understand it.

i never liked it easy. my goal of being human is to explore all my potential and identify.

if i continue writing bc it’s easier i would never make math just as easy and i know it can be for me.

bc. i want to be engineer.

[wu-tvng]

how to stay uplifted during times of stress and sadness?

im currently on lunch break at trader joe’s. i left to eat a semi-expensive meal of $22 ramen that filled me up only half way.

i thought i would be in better spirits but instead i’m just a lil more full which is always good and a lot more dreadful in clocking into work.

i’m taking a meditation session in the bathroom bc being too client-facing is too stimulating for me. i’m learning to do different writing styles. maybe when i leave this door, i’ll wave hi to john again and ask him how his day is going ? just for him to ask me the same thing, but i lie and say that i’m doing great. even though i’m not. even though this isn’t where i want to be in life.

it was funny bc my best friend, alex was telling me how she often sees how i have angels protecting me. but i don’t think anyone is really activity guiding me but throwing me in the pit of life so i can learn the dire skills of surivival.

and so here i am, learning to stay balance and uplifted in trader joes’s (bathroom), replaying mantras in my head and subconsciously learning how to stay grounded in my goals and ambitions swimming through rough currents and perplexing emotions in front of random strangers.

but cheers to a little past one year anniversary of post grad and post first relationship breakup. cheers to being 24 and lost

[wu-tvng]

mmm, i think i see what's wrong with my writing i treat it as a rant rather than a story. that's why its not enticing to read. i get lost in the same train of thought. i need to pivot but still find a way to recap briefly a past topic.

i am scared to move out bc of my tendency to lay in bed for hours to find a semblance of comfort and peace that i cant find within myself, hence the next closest thing is finding peace in the physical space my body occupies and often time it is in bed.

but in the past it was when i share bed with another and i thought i found peace with him, but instead realize it didn't actually heal me but worse my conditions. hence i was force to brutally cut that relationship off cold turkey and reflect within.

just to find a shi load of mental health issues and lack of life skills that i wasn't aware i lack that hard. so that's a hard pill to swallow.

and im now listing out on a to-do list all the things i want to be and everything that i think is wrong with me.

[wu-tvng]

trauma and ptsd.

i don't really like how jarring the font size is for 'title' in the tumblr post so i will put it as a header in the description.

tee-hee:)

this morning or afternoon. i forgot. i mention how i have a lot to say, but seem to have no space or bandwidth to articulate it (it's tiring to introspect and unpack emotional luggage) but i was reading hot literati and i love how captivating short, simple, but intelligent her writing is. i aspire to write as crispy, fun, and me though as her.

i am learning to be gentle with thyself and i am kind of proud with how fast i learn through copying others and extracting only traits i find attractive and enticing into my own character/asrsenal loll. it kind of reminds me of that guy in food wars who copies ppl to the tee and then + his own cherry on top in the finale. kind of making it his, but not really bc 99 vs 1%

my problem is that i lack life experience and i isolate myself too much that im out of touch with reality. hence y im 24 sitting in front of my mac at almost 1am typing this, unemployed, and still acting like i am shi. im extremely delusional for this, but somehow i have a feeling things will sort itself out and ill be ok like i always wanted.

but the quote of being able to enjoy the moment and finding content and happiness in the daily or mundane keeps cycling back to me in this era. i think the universe is trying to tell me some.

i think i am content. and i am grateful. and i am ok, but not happy. i am v happy that i am ok bc for a long time this year i was not ok. i was actually extremely depressed and bed-ridden for months with occasional hangouts with eric that has secretly save me and directed me for the better. bc human interaction is important no matter how easy it is to be a hermit in the digital age and lock oneself in their corner of the internet (me, currently doing that rn (im a hypocrispy) :())

i no im a different person than before, maybe more lost, maybe more unhinged, def more fat. but i really dont know how much i have changed. howev, this year since i move back home has metamorphiszed me, and im not sure if its for the better bc i was undergoing one of the few intense depressive periods in life. i honestly cant say that it was my most depressing but all the hard ones always happen at home lol. its like a recurring epilepsy i have here. i have many intense depressive episodes that it seems that each new adversity i go thru that triggers this turbulence is easier than the past one. lol its actually crazy and it might explain why im ok even though i think most ppl might be wrecked by the frequent turmoil i have to navigate thou it often times is self-imposed i guess. but also this one was def a butterfly effect influence by years of adversion in treating mental health and not learning to deal with stress and responsiblities and pressure well. but i guess thats y im 24 and alive dealing, feeling, and not quitting:)

[wu-tvng]

on the note of dealing with sibling and negative feedback. i have great response in critiquing others but not necessarily as receptive in receiving the same ones back. i think i need to reevaluate my critical lens bc it might reflects the inadequacy i see in myself that i love to point out in others. hypocrisyyy, sadly should not be my middle name but is becoming my first.

how does one say mean things and then take it back? u can't. it's just out in the world, liminal space, terminally and the repurcussions or reactions might just eat at your consciousness but inadvertently diminish at a proportional pace until other things in life takes center stage and then your swept up by new events and situation that aids in feeding your soul or continue to chip away at it with accidental vices and shame inflicted on thyself, but that's life...

[wu-tvng]

i want to be a girl who:

wakes up at 7am

runs 3 miles everyday

eat breakfast before 9 am

eat lunch at 11-12pm

eat dinner before 7pm

sleep around 10-11pm

women in STEM: computer engineer, eece, software

masters in engineering at top university (Boston)

live in NYC for a bit

be able to be self-sufficient and live on my own

ambitious

great time management

hard working, great work ethic

take care of my mom and dad

regulate and have good mental health

learn how to regulate stress well

work well under pressure

very organize, detail oriented

nice style

healthy and fit

no balding

dress well and develop own style

speak well: eloquent, captivating

write well

well-read

compassionate and kind

beauty and brains

model for top agency/ brands

travel internationally

acrobats/flexible like handstands and backflips

make a lot of money, be financially independent

have a lot of friends

meet my soulmate/loml!!!

have my career figured out

multiple streams of income

amazing core and health to do pole dancing for fun

hip hop dance

meme page has 10k + followers

micro influencer / anonymous

have great mental health

have my own place

travel internationally

have estate in sf and in china

be rich af!!$$$$ and financally stable

rich in love, health, wealth, self <3

[wu-tvng]

after graduating, i realized many things and learn that i lack a lot of essential skills like:

time management

routine

waking up before 9am

sleeping before 12am

eating meals at regular intervals

work ethic

having career goals

not binge eating for dopamine release

realization of severe depression

lack of control in commanding my focus

being sloppy and half-assing everything that i do

being lazy and relaxing all the time

all talk, no action

take showers

can't focus to do work

balding

no self-awareness and extreme delusion in thinking i am either v self-aware or am better than everyone complex

laziness that i will eradicate

oversleeping

weight-gain

no discipline

want to be treated like royalty but is actually a peasant

obsessive behavior in stalking ppl i admire

self-isolate too much

don't put self out there

scared to work because of bruuse on fragile ego

won't study hard bc think too highly of self

severe depression

would stay in bed for months and not hang out with anyone

have no goals

think self is too incompetent for any better paying jobs

need to focus on myself, career, and wealth first.

[wu-tvng]

i don't write because i have so much to say that one topic can lead to endless others and it just becomes a void. and because i can't articulate every thing i want to say due to time and energy i cut it off at the .1% mark which just frustrates me even more than i am stress.

so yea.

but with many things i learn this year and life in general, i just need to shift my pov. change langes. and regroup.

so a new strategy that i will try is to talk about things focued on one topic. which sounds easy but might not me bc theres interconnections thru out everything. but i will try bc that will give me structure and organization that i need. bc recently i have the revelation that my life has no structure, organization, goals, or routine hence why it might explain y im so mentally fucked up. or its that i live with my parents. idk who i am or was before, only now. so this is the only version of myself i can move forward with.

i want to be smart. and hot. and educated. and rich. and self-sufficient. and mainly happy and proud of myself.

and that comes with a lot of work (which im not afraid of anymore), because i found that i only find fulfillment in things i work hard for. it dosnt taste as sweet if its given and not reaped. call me a reaper.

im going to be okay with my work not sounding eloquent. because im learning to write better. im writing more. and im finding my own style of writing. and im proud of that. but i also know i can learn through others so i might pick up some things here and there that i will try out but that's how you learn and grow! one of my goal in writing is to find my style of writing that is captivating, fun, and quirky to read.

[wu-tvng]

this is part 2 from my previous post about the lack of elegancy in my writing. i always wrote for academic purposes as that's all i know how to do in my last 23-4 years of age. i recently turned 24 and u would think i have a lot of life experience on how to be a woman, friends, music, just life in general, for my age. but i don't. and it actually makes me very sad confused and angry about this because i want to feel like im proud of myself and the life that i lead at this age or just in any moment. but instead i am shell-shocked at how i jumped from 18 to 24. i do not know wat has traversed in the 7 year gap leading to my turning point to my mid-twenties. if anything i have posted my 2021 graduating 1 year later to 2022 in which i have graduated when i was 22 (yay!), and then i turned 23 in october after graduation in which a month back i had broken up with a boy i dated for 3 years (still trying to reason with myself why it was not a waste of time and was actually beneficial to me (but im still tryna find the reason atm)l0l)... anyways so i recently turned 24 last month, and during that whole year i have just been extremely depressed and disoriented, trying to adjust to living back home with my parents. i have now a year later ,Just, made peace that im living here and out of college and alla that. but i just realize the reason why post grad was especially hard for me because i didn't really think about a life after college. i grew up with the sole purpose of going to college and not any other ideas planted in my head that durng college i really didn't plan for anything as i was extremly out of touch with reality as i still think i am since i comfotabley live with my parents and have everything paid for which is absurdly weird becasue as a 24 year old i should be paying my own expenses and contributing to this household. but i think it does allude to how my upbringing was a lil abnormal at best and perverted at worst for me to be ths out of touch with my career trajectory and how to live 101 or how to be human 201. i have a lot on my pot as u can see.

its hard to redirect one's life and attain focus when u grew up and has isolated urself only with lost and mentally neurotic ppl who has taught u how to survive like them.

[wu-tvng]

i want to get better at writing. but, i feel like i see so many good writers that i get overwhelmed. i also have high insecurity about myself. i feel like anything i do isn't good or i get really cringed out on what im doing or saying if i look back in a few months.

i think when i unpack this, the only time i dont get cringe at myself is when im not trying to fit into any mold or shape of another person i see on the internet that i do admire deeply. but when i try to emulate that i get cringed out because i know deep down thats not me, maybe i should just write sloppy and be sloppy ? even though im trying to be an organize, clean aesthetic girly in all aspects of my life. i cant help that im a trainwreck -ariana grande but i just want to, at least, express this wreckedness in an elegant way to juxtapose my current situationshi(t) eye roll.

[wu-tvng]