wvenfrrther

[wvenfrrther]

It will be so, so fucking easy to get queer men to fuck you, dude. No matter how you look, no matter how you identify, men in general are a population that it is very easy to get the sexual and romantic attention of in plentiful quantities. The reason for this isn’t that dick is abundant and low value, as many a liberal feminist sex writer has put it, but because men have societal power that makes them more confident expressing their desire.

Unlike women, who typically fear that their sexual desires either do not matter to other people or are in some way wrong and “creepy” (and are rarely afforded the freedom to practice expressing what they want), men are societally expected to initiate with potential partners and pursue them, and that makes them refreshingly easy to negotiate a hookup or date with. In my experience, this is just as true of queer men as it is of straight ones; in fact, because the power differential between two men an isn’t so stark, it tends to be even easier for them to negotiate sex with one another than it would be for a straight man and a woman.

Until now you have been dating in the lesbian world, where both parties frequently harbor a lot of shame over their feelings and have been conditioned to not voice their attraction — so you’re gonna be shocked at just how simple securing a date (or a bang) with a guy really is. You will be drowning in options from the moment that you set up a Grindr/Scruff/Tinder/Feeld/Sniffies/Recon/etc profile, and fielding all those requests for your attention will be a great opportunity to develop self-advocacy skills for you.

Dysphoria will tell you that if your body betrays even one hint of stereotypical femininity, queer men won’t want to have anything to do with you — but your dysphoria is a liar. As a lesbian, you have probably witnessed the huge diversity of women’s sexual and romantic tastes. Give your queer brothers a little credit, too: what any random gay/bi/pan man finds appealing will differ vastly from what turns on the dude right next to him, and how each of them defines maleness and male-male attraction is incredibly idiosyncratic.

I have already written a highly detailed guide to cruising and exploring the apps, so I will not rehash everything here, but for the newly-transitioning person in particular I have some tips:

Be specific about what you want. Do you enjoy bottoming/topping/versing? Are you curious to try any kinks? Are you a dinner-and-drinks-for-a-first-date type of person, or do you want to throw your clothes off and leap onto the bed right now? If you haven’t been a queer man for long, you probably aren’t used to just spelling out what you are looking for. Just name some specific activities you would like to give a try. It’s okay if you are curious but uncertain. Just spell that out. Keeping your negotiations behaviorally focused works a whole lot better than trying to vaguely describe yourself or what you’re seeking long-term.

Be direct. There is really no degree of bluntness that is “too much” on queer male apps, or in the bars. You can tell someone immediately that you think they’re hot, you like their smile, you want to get coffee with them, you want their number, you’re fantasizing about eating their asshole, or that you’re newly divorced and just want to cuddle and see where things go. Every guy is looking for something a little different, and most of them won’t be shy about saying what that is. You can do the same.

Reject people. A lot. Because queer men are not too hesitant to shoot their shot, you will be inundated with more messages and approaches than you could ever possibly field. Do not make the rookie mistake of thinking you have to entertain any attention that is polite or validating. You can turn someone down for any reason, including temporarily while you figure out how you feel. Just say “no thank you,” or “not tonight,” and move on without apology. It shows the other guy respect and saves you both some time.

Accept rejection with grace. I have said this before and I will say it again: being rejected does not mean that you have failed or done anything wrong. A rejection is a successful consent negotiation. That’s something to be proud of. You expressed an interest, the other person was not available for it; now you know. It is always better to have tried to make a connection happen than not, especially when you’re from a group that has been trained never to speak up, only to respond.

Learn the etiquette & social tools of the space. I discuss this more and provide examples in my cruising guide. In a cruisy bar or sauna, it can be expected that an interested man might put his hand on you. Be prepared to handle this, and know you can rebuff him by taking his hand off your body or just walking away. On the cruising apps, a lack of reply is not “rude” nor is it “ghosting,”; it just means the other person is busy or not interested right now, and you’re free to hit them up again pretty much as often as you like to see if anything clicks. A block just means you’re incompatible, and the other person doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time with you appearing on their feed. Do some research, observe others, and understand that these social rules are just tools you can use, like mechanics in a video game, to get what you need.

I wrote all about using gay male cruising apps as a trans guy, negotiating sex in your new identity, and avoiding the not-fun kinds of chasers. You can read the full piece for free here.

[wvenfrrther]

I think a lot of IFS is oversimplified to its detriment -- not every alternate self necessarily was created in childhood, lots of problems that inspire the creation of an alter aren't a singular, memorable event, and it's disempowering to convince therapeutic patients that they are nothing but a pile of children in an adult sized trench coat -- but one thing that I really do appreciate about the practice of IFS is giving a troubled part of you a new job to do. Take the bratty me I was just talking about. If she wasn't drawing harsh emotional boundaries and casting out anybody that ever threatened to get close to her or do anything for her, what would she want to do? She'd want to be a jokester. She'd want to be funny and perceptive but in a less combative way. And sometimes i already am that person. But i've been at war with her instead of embracing her potential because I've always seen her as so shitty and cruel. But if she felt safe, and appreciated and was convinced that she didn't need to defend my boundaries, well, she could be a great entertainer. how cute.

[wvenfrrther]

i really do believe that the answer to a lot of people's self hatred is not to try and reassure them that they are wonderful and okay and enough, but instead to remind them theyre a completely unremarkable regular ass person who is not the center of the universe or especially important so why would they expect themselves to be some superhuman savior. like there really is a kernel of out of control self importance at the heart of thinking youre an evil lazy piece of shit. because why would you expect you be anything but just like some guy. if you wouldnt expect the guy who works at the vape shop or your mailman or whatever to be able to do something then why would you expect yourself to? youre just some random ass person. its fine

[wvenfrrther]

Geburtstag haben

Das war schön

Viele leute haben an mich gedacht

Das ist mir das wichtigste, merke ich zunehmend

Bleib bei denen

[wvenfrrther]

hm. ok. sorry jona? diese gefühle und gedanken sind an dich adressiert gewesen

eigentlich denke ich auch immer noch, dass es gut war, das zu sagen :D ha

[wvenfrrther]

also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.

[wvenfrrther]

social anxiety and body dysmorphia are objectively funny ways to refer to the fact that your survival is materially dependent on other people liking you

[wvenfrrther]

[wvenfrrther]

Stop bein sed

And go to bed

[wvenfrrther]

Kms still not an option

[wvenfrrther]

die prognosen werden schlimmer

alles dreht sich weiter

ich bin verwirrt

Leon ist bipolar

Mutima. might die

My mum was married at my age

I keep failing at keeping up wjth my friends and family

My interests distract each other

The blicke der anderen scare me

Ich rede heisse luft

Jeden tag passiert so viel

Doesnt fit my head

[wvenfrrther]

shrug

[wvenfrrther]

jona

[wvenfrrther]

Die jonas jahre sind vorbei, ich werde psychotherapeutin fuer leon

[wvenfrrther]

How do you get communities to want/accept you?

I was very active in my local queer community, just volunteering my time to help people do stuff, making sweets and tidying up after events. I helped out wherever I could, but I also wasn't very well, so I didn't take on as many responsibilities as might have been fair.

Soon it became too painful to see how much they accepted and embraced others but I was always left on the fringes in the cold. I was having really distressing breakdowns hiding in their bathroom. Just being around them hurt. Seeing the love and receiving none of it made me feel like a feral animal.

What did I do wrong/miss/needed to do better??? Please /genuine

I'm so sorry to say this, but when your goal is "making people like you"/accept you, it's very difficult for people to get to know the actual you and for you to form relationships based on mutual respect and compatibility.

You need to reframe your goal entirely. The real question is "how do I find people I respect, who treat me well, and who I want to spend more time around?" Or, within the spaces that you are already visiting and participating in, "Who do I like here? What do I like about them?" and then making a specific effort to get to know them better and invite them to do things with you. Introduce a little friction. Ask them their opinions! Ask them to help you with something! Put some of your real personality, feelings, and preferences out into the world, and something with more depth can begin to form.

[wvenfrrther]

you, my dear, are a fantasy

harmless as such

only dangerous when interfering with reality

i can do what i want with your little unreal ass

[wvenfrrther]

yesss im always saying this like sure i can give you logical advice but at the end of the day you can just do what you want to do until youre sick of it. cant move on cant switch gears til youre sick of it so go ahead and indulge