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I wanna greet myself a happy birthday because I deserve it CHAR

I am grateful for so many things For the 21 years of life I got to spend here on earth, for the things I have now, and for all the people I have now. I want to congratulate myself for reaching 21 :( In an alternate universe, I’d like to tell Angela that there are many people who love her genuinely. I wanna tell her to love herself more before anyone else. Tell her that she’s beautiful everyday, and that she’s worth more than anything in the world. I wanna tell her how life is so precious and that there;s much more to life than university, books, fear, and sorrow. I wanna tell her that soon things will be alright and that soon things will fall right into their places. I wanna tell her that shell make it through. I wanna tell her that she’ll be successful and she’ll eventually achieve all the things she’s dreaming for.  But right now I just wanna be me. I’m just so grateful for the people with me right now. Thank you for living, Angela. You made it. 

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i keep brushing this off of myself but i wanna be honest for once

ive been in a constant fight with a friend, some little while some are honestly big and very deep. There came a time where i just told myself “owkay fuck it playing the i dont know u unless u talk to me first game wont work bcos he’s insensitive n hes not gonna change for good” and decided to just talk to hin like nothing happened and no feelings got offended and just go by the day like it was normal when in reality, the fight was still bothering me.

It was more likely the little fights and the tampo and inis that i havent got to tell him that made its way outta me. The times when i didnt feel like he supported me when that was what i needed and the things i didnt get to hear from him, all the pain i suffered alone because i didnt want to tell him honestly. because im afraid he would make fun of me or would just actually invalidate my feelings. I think it was all of that that took its toll on me.

I honestly considered ending the friendship between us. I wanted to end the pain, and the future pain i might be getting after all these. I want to tell him how upset and sad i was bc all of the things thats happening to me and the things that we fight over. I want to tell him that I save myself from experiencing the sadness i am going through right now, i dont want to experience it again if i still continue this friendship. I want to tell him that i want to end it. I almost did. But i didnt.

Maybe it’s because the momentum was cut off? I wasnt in the height of my emotions anymore thats why i didnt bother sending him the message. But its still in my notes. Tho i cant find the courage to send it anymore. Pero i still want to end it.

Sai, if u ever read this, or if i will ever have the guts to say this to u face to face, maybe in an alternate universe, i just wanna say, lets not be friends anymore.

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ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

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ANONG NANGYARI BAKIT DI NAPOST BLOG KO KAGABI anyway SKL

Sobrang pagod na ko 2019. Mula february tiniis ko lahat nung pain and pagod talaga na naffeel ko. Akala ko magiging okay ako pagkatapos ng isam sem, nung may, akala ko talaga acads lang to kaya ganon yung pagkalungkot ko. Pagdating nung bakasyon, june to july, ang dami pa palang mangyayari sakin. Akala ko madami na akong naiyak for those two months. Kinakabahan na ako pagdating ng last week of july, kasi wala na akong gana sa buhay, tapos graduating pa ako pagpasok ng august. Wala akong will to live talaga. Parati kong iniisip bago matulog, paano ako makakasurvive sa first sem ng fourth year?

Hindi ko din alam kung paano. Pero kinaya ko naman. Kahit halos gabi-gabi akong umiiyak. Buong semester nandito sa loob loob ko yung pagaalinlangan, yung bawat paggising ko sa umaga, iniisip ko kung gusto ko pa bang mabuhay. Kung itutuloy ko pa ba to, kung pipiliin ko bang isurvive yung magiging araw ko. Sobrang hirap bumangon sa mga panahong ayaw ko na. Pero nandito ako, few days left before the start of another year. Buhay pa din.

Akala ko ayos na. Akala ko thesis lang yung iiyakan ko ngayong december. Grabe talaga tong 2019. Last week ng first sem 4th year, may nangyari pa sakin, sa buhay ko outside acads. Sobrang fucked up. Hindi ko na alam saan ireredirect tong nararamdaman kong sakit. Hanggang ngayon, dala dala ko pa yung sakit. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko to iiwan lahat sa 2019. Gustong gusto kong magsimula ng bago sa 2020. Gusto ko makalimot sa lahat ng tao na dahilan ng sakit na pinagdaanan ko araw araw sa taon na ito. Alam ko sobrang selfish pakinggan, pero hindi ko na alam kung ano pang paraan gagawin ko para isalba tong sarili ko. Sobrang hirap. Pero Salamat at kinakaya ko.

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I had a fight with a friend. We did not talk for almost two weeks---wait. I did not talk to him for almost two weeks. They know me, and I know myself as well; I do not like to talk when I’m mad. So he gave me space because he knows I’m still clouded with my own emotions and he wouldn’t be able to talk with me to resolve our fight. What did he do to make me so mad? Or hurt?

It was a friday afternoon, we were having a group meeting for our report. I was trying to polish and perfect my part because it was the most difficult part of the report wherein profs would usually bombard the reporter lots and lots of questions. We were somehow running out of time and this friend of mine was rushing us to finish my part. When I told him that I still have few things left to polish, he told us (me and my groupmate who was actually helping me with my part) that we shouldve been done with our reports by now since the case was given to us way ahead of time. I dont want to put here how he said those words but it really was painful. His words reminded me of how bobo I can get when it comes to acads. How slow I get when it comes to school works. 

I guess I was hurt because out of all the reasons why, I have never expected those words to come out of his own mouth is on the top of the list. In that moment, I remembered the night when I called him just to cry like a baby and tell him that I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy, that I don’t know my worth anymore, that I don’t wanna live, and I just want to quit from everything because I keep on failing. I failed my subjects, my exams, I failed the people around me, and I failed myself. For a second, I thought, will I regret opening up to him? Sharing too much of myself to him? Was it all worth it? Among everyone else in our group of friends, he was the only one I cried to because I am losing myself. And it hurt me to hear those words coming from him, coming from someone I have shared my thoughts with. My uncertainties, my doubts, and all the gloomy thoughts running inside my head. For a second, I questioned his worth. 

I don’t think I could ever explain all my pain to anyone. I don’t think they understand me very well because I am the only one who could understand what I’m going through. That is what I have learned after all these heartaches. No one will actually know and understand your pain. Even your bestest of friends. 

Last night, we had a party. I got drunk and it was the perfect moment for him to try and talk to me. He explained his side. I don’t actually remember what he said, or how he explained why he said those words. I don’t remember, i was drunk. But all I know is he kept saying sorry. I have not. I was not able to do so because I was really drunk I was just thinking of myself. I did not say sorry even when I know I should have. Another friend explained to me why I am at fault too. And I understood. Gave me another reason as to why I need to apologize. 

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you CANNOT give another human being the responsibility of your happiness.

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Kahapon nung magtturn left na si mama sa kanto nung pauwi kami, sabi niya bigla "si Kyle oh" then I turned to look tas oo si Kyle nga kahit nakatalikod alam ko siya yun tas ayun inaasar na ako ni ate like sinasabi niya "ano, SAKET?!?!" Tas tatawa kami hahahahah. Lakas mangasar kahit si mama natatawa. Ewan ko di naman ako nagkkwento kay mama syempre abt kay kyle pero I guess nakaramdam na din siya. Tas sabi ni ate "si Kyle talaga yung totga mo noh" tas ewan di ko alam sinagot ko nanahimik lang ako cos ayoko magcomment pero like ayoko din manahimik kasi mahahalata nila na affected ako tho???? Tas tinignan ko si mama nakasmile siya sabi pa niya "wala eh, yan yung mga bagay na... hindi talaga pumwede eh" EWAN KO NAGULAT AKO SA NANAY Q GUMAGANON AMP. pero if I know thankful siya di nagkaron ng something samin ni kyle kasi ayaw niya ko magkajowa HAHAHAH

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I keep telling myself not to go back to the same person I loved four years ago but I still find myself crying with the thoughts of him and then recently I just realized that I wasn't actually crying for him I was crying for myself and for the emotions that I had to keep inside. I'm crying for the days that I do not feel the love and the care I used to get from him four years ago. I missed having those feelings again. I wanna feel those things again but I'm not praying to have the same person give me the love and care I want today.

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So yesterday was my first day at the pedia ward tapos tinour muna kami ng ci ko para mafamiliarize kami sa ward then pumunta kami sa chronic ward na may patients na pang matagalan yung sakit like leukemia, and such then yung isang patient na girl may sakt siya called talicimia??? Not sure of the spelling and the term as well but it has smth to do w her rbc like mabilis life span ng rbc niys so mabilis siya kulangin sa dugo. She's 13yo btw and then we learned na since she's 3 mos old pasyente na sya say ospital na yun at dun na siya nagdalaga jusko kilalang kilala na siya ng mga staff sa pedia ward cos pabalik balik siya kasi kailangan ng blood everytime kukulangin siya and this disease has no cure. She has an older sister who died already bc of the same disease. Sobrang gusto ko umiyak habang kausap namin siya huhu naawa ako talaga tas sabi ng Prof ko paglabas namin ng ward malabo daw na umabot ng adult life si sam :((( cos yung ate niya namatay bata pa din :((

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Just wanna say na I hate my college sobrang conservative sobrang sexist!!! As in!!!! Tangina there's so many things were not allowed to do cos were a girl and it's as if we can't say anything abt our profs kasi babawian nila kami sa grades isa pa pala sobrang close minded nila parang di sila marunong tumanggap ng constructive criticism ......... lol they're all about the grades....the achievements...the title......na kesyo center of excellence daw kami wahu mga mamser pakicheck mental health students niyo po kasi marami sa block ko di na pumapasok kasi sobrang lungkot na nga and depressed sasabayan pa ng mga prof na di ko alam pinapalalA yung anxiety naming lahat :----(

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Hi guys grab Ang lungkot hahaha funny ko potah pumupunta Lang ako sa Tumblr para maglabas ng sama NG loob or ng sakit well mostly sakit. Unlike before araw araw ako andito para lang magkwento ng nangyari sa day ko huhu. lord ang lungkot lungkot talaga. Haha tbh school lang lagi reason bat ang sad sad ko..... Ang lungkot and sakit parang feel ko I'm not good enough for my dreams I just wanna be a good I just wanna be a good doctor ang daming challenges ang aga pa ang layo pa ng lalakbayin ko pero eto ang dami ko na nararamdaman na sakit. What more pag nag level up na ko. nakakapagod and nakakadrain emotionally. Ang hirappp

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hi ang hirap. first time ko mafeel etong hirap with matching lungkot, takot at pagod for this second sem. Siguro pagod at takot nararamdaman ko every before duty cos super terror yung clinical instructor ko sa ward. Pero kinakaya ko like always ako nagppray alam ko di ako papabayaan ni lord every duty day ko sa health center. Alam kong masusurvive ko yung day ng duty kasi kumakapit ako kay lord. May anxiety attacks din ako nung duty days ko with that terror ci. Pero iba yung ngayon. Masaya pa din naman ako kasi pasado ko ob at pedia exams ko pero bagsak ako pharma. Malungkot syempre kasi feel ko mapapasa ko yun kung may calcu akong dala nung exam day pero ayun tinatanggap ko na as of the moment na bagsak ako. May part na medyo relieved ako kasi i know matataas quizzes ko sa parma so pwedeng pang hakot. Haha mahina lang talaga ako sa math lalo na dosage calculations mehn hirap.

Mas nalulungkot ako for my blockmates na bumagsak sa ob and pharma. Knowing na nagaral naman sila. Lord im still thankful kasi okay grades ko sa ob and pedia pero lungkot kasi natatakot ako baka may bumagsak sa block namin. Lol ang cheesy pero sana wala talagang bumagsak samin. Sana makapasa kaming lahat for this sem. Sana walang maging irreg. :( i wanna cry wt riva kasi im followng her rant acct tapos she said na shes been crying while talking to her mom overseas shes saying sorry kaso bagsak siya putangina ang hirap lang ayoko na nakakakita ng ganun. Super awa ako sa kanya cos shes playing the role of her mom sa kanila cos she has 4 younger siblings pa tas siya panganay dama ko yung pagod niya sa tweets niya taena gusto ko siya icomfort. Pati lahat ng bumagsak sa exams na alam kong nagaral naman. Hay lord ang lungkot pero thank you pa din ;(

Feel ko medj ang oa ko for feeling this way cos exams lang naman to pero like iba kasi sa course ko putanginah iba yung patakaran ng college namin theyre after the quality of students talaga kaya ang taas ng standards and hindi natatakot magbagsak ng students kaya ayoko lang na may maging irreg sa block ko tas di kami sabay sabay ggraduate ayoko na ;(

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just wanna tell myself na tangina malungkot ka na naman :-)

Wala ka talagang kwenta. Wala kang use. Wala kang natutulong. Wala kang alam. Wala kang kwenta. Wala kang kwenta. Wala kang kwenta.

Hindi ka talaga magiging good enough sa kahit anong bagay. Wala kang ginagawang tama. Hindi ka marunong sa lahat. Bakit ka pa ba nabubuhay. Ano pa bang purpose mo. Ano bang use mo ha. Anong karapatan mong mabuhay ????

Mamatay ka na.

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Well the truth is I am still sad. Thought I was okay but hey it's 4 days before Christmas and I suddenly felt lonely again!!! I guess 'this' hits u out of nowhere. Di mo alam kung kelan aatake or dadating. Magugulat ka na lang dadating yung point na malungkot ka na naman and ull find urself crying at night after ilang days na puro ka lang tawa.

I was lying down just a few minutes earlier reading a novel until I came across a line that shows appreciation and thats when it hit me again...

I have never found them. Ive never found my place. I've never found my person. Ive never found my home.

I remembered I told my friend that we will never be able to meet a person who has all the things we want/like. We will never be able to meet someone who likes all the same things that we do. We will never find someone who will do the same things that we do. BUT we will only find someone who's willing to do all these things wt us. Even if he/she doesn't like it. We will only be able to find the person who's going to be around all the time. But they wouldnt like all the same things that we do.

It fcking breaks me to realize all these things. Ive been longing for my person. It's not necessary for this person to be my partner. He may be a best friend. A cousin. An uncle. But ive never found mine.

Been feeling a lot lately. All I can think abt is what if this person exists. What if it's around me. What if it sticks with me? I guess everything will be bearable. But right now, it still hurts.

College is toxic for our mental health. I've been giving all my best for my couese but seems like its never enough. Felt all kinds of sadness and disappointment in myself pero wala pa din akong napapala. Mahirap pa din. Masakit pa din.

Everything that I've went through this year made me think that I don't deserve to be happy. That all the shit I did will never be enough. I can't make my parents proud. All those shit made me feel like a loser. And I still wonder how I managed to smile and laugh whenever I'm in school or at home. I guess we all have to thank lord for giving us faces. It covers our real feelings.

One last thing

2017, you fucking broke me.

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I need!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon me a song to listen to

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UGH OKay im seruoisly convinced that life is such a bitch to me. If life was a person it'd be that bitch who just hates me for no reason even when i dont do anything fuck i feel like life doesnt really want me to be happy putangina ano pa ba kailangan kong gawin para masuklian lahat ng efforts ko i just wanna give up. literally ive been saying this a lot of times already but shit idc anymore i just want to give up on everything i dont know how to survive anymore phtanginaiwannaendthis

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grabe everyday na lang i always come home sad and depressed na parang anytime mag bbreakdown na ko. Super pressured ako and naooverwhlem sa dami ng pinapagawa ng profs. Araw araw may quiz wala na kong time for myself. Wala na din akong time for my pets like naiiyak ako pag asa duty ako gusto ko yakapin lahat ng pets ko and makipagkwentuhan sa family ko pero kinakain ng school works yung oras ko. Grabe ang hirap talaga kapag yung gusto mong gawin laging merong pressure na nadudulot sayo eventually mahhate mo na siya. Amf talaga lahat ng tawa and ingay ng mga tao na aririnig ko sa labas ng bahay, yung sigawan ng mga nanonood ng basketball sa labas, sobra akong naiinggit like bakit kayo ganyan wala ba kayong ginagawa bakit ganto bakit parang sobrang wala na akong time para sa ibang bagay gusto ko lang huminga jusko sobrang pagod na ko gusto ko na ng bakasyon. Potah pre-med pa lang to pano pa pagmag med ako gagoh magmemed pa ba ko yun yung tanong???